How Do You Let Go of Heartache and Move Forward in Your Relationship

On my Hub: When Your Girl Wants to Get Married and You Don’t, in comments, B-Girl asked me an excellent question. How do you let go of the pain and move on. When you’ve been through heartache with someone, how do you forgive, or forget? Or do you ever really let it go?

In B-Girl’s case, her boyfriend said some things prior to their moving in together. He said, “I'm not ready, and I don't know when I will be,” “Maybe if I was away from you for a bit I would realize I wanted to live together,” and “I'm a free spirit, I don't want to have to tell you when I'll be home all the time.”

She writes me that they have been living together now for some time, and things are going great. But she still has these words echoing around in her head. She fears that this will happen again. How does she move past that feeling?

There are many kinds of hurts in relationships: Words said in fear or rage, hidden money or squandered funds, infidelity, choosing the mother-in-law over the wife, snooping, a bad reaction when you bumped into his ex, finding his hidden porn stash… The list goes on and on.

Whatever transpired, it’s something that happened in the past. You’ve worked it through and moved on. But have you really? What do you do when the issue seems to be over, time has passed, but you still can’t let go of that dark feeling?

Two Extremes

I’m going to start with two examples, each at the extreme. These will be our range of reference points.

Pretend you’ve known your partner all your life. When someone is 8 months old they eat and spit up. They don’t have the sense or ability to turn away from the person near them. If you’re in the line of fire of an 8 month old, you’re getting spit-up upon. As time goes on and they grow, their digestive track changes and hopefully by the time they are 30 years old, they do not spit up anymore. And, on the occasion that they do have a gastric movement, they will excuse themselves and tend to it privately.

Imagine looking at your partner and thinking to yourself, I can’t get passed that time 30 years ago when you spit up on me. Yes, you’ve grown and changed, but I just can’t let it go. What if it happens again?

Now, for the other extreme, imagine a partner that has hit you.

He claims he has changed and it will never happen again. But you think to yourself, what if it happens again? What kind of a chance am I really taking here?

I think everyone reading this would agree that in the first example, you need to learn to let go and move on. And in the second example, you SHOULD be worried, and hanging on to those feelings.

Is it at it’s base, your problem for not letting go? Or is there a real reason why you can’t? Does some part of you, on another level, know this is not OK, this is not over. This is going to happen again. And again.

Do people really change?

The core of a person doesn‘t change. People mature, they grow up. They understand and learn things that they had not previously been able to. Even conceptually, like with matters of money or privacy, people can learn a bigger picture and a better way to deal with things.

But the heart of a person, I believe, doesn’t change that dramatically. You can teach someone almost any outward thing. But you can’t teach a “bad person” to be good.

One thing you can look at is repeat offenses. If the thing you can’t let go of happened more than once, or still happens occasionally even though he’s making an effort, that’s a definite flag for you. If the problem was that he drinks too much, has he continued to drink too much, or has he made the effort to attend AA meetings?

Another thing you can look at is restitution. How has your partner made the effort to fix the damage? Is he acknowledging your hurt by correcting the situation? If the problem was that whenever you fight with your mother in law, he takes her side, then the obvious fix would be to see him take yours. Or to hear him tell his mother that this has to stop, she needs to respect you more, or she is going to see him less.

Another thing you want to consider is why the error came to light in the first place. Was this a secret you happened to bust him on? This may indicate that he wasn’t actually ready to change this, or even share this. This might be something that is going to take more work.

To heal, let go and really move forward, you have to consider where on the line the offense falls. Is it really something you just need to learn to move past, like baby spit-up. Or, is it something you’re hanging on to because somewhere in your soul you know this isn’t over, and this is going to be even worse in the future.

Is it something you believe he can learn, or you can understand, in a different way. Is it something that reflects a major difference in your values, and a place where your partnership has a definite problem.

Even if it’s something you agree is a mistake that you’ve both learned from and are moving past, the best thing to do is not do it alone. Tell your partner you are having problems letting go of it, and you need to talk. Sometimes just being heard and acknowledged is all we need to sigh and really release something.

Back to B-Girl

The biggest problem in B-Girl’s case is her partner’s refusal to discuss something that is so painful and important to her. She writes me that he gets upset if she brings up the past.

Right there, that dynamic – is a big bad flag in their relationship. She doesn’t want to bring up a topic that is very upsetting to her, that needs addressing, because it will upset him. What kind of a relationship is that? What foreshadow is that to the many years ahead? How can she be with a partner that she doesn’t want to “upset”, that she has to keep her darkest fears and problems from? What kind of a relationship are they building?

My advice to B-Girl is my advice to almost anyone for almost any relationship question. You don’t have shit if you can’t communicate. Whether it’s because you’re overly trepidatious for no real reason, or because he has been firm about refusing to discuss things regardless of your feelings, or whether it is some odd combination of the two, you have to get passed it, and talk.

And if you really can’t discuss this, then think twice about this relationship. If you can’t discuss your feelings, how can you even think about being with this partner? What happens down the road when something else upsets you? Life is full of conflict and complexities. Human error will occur. He will fuck up. You will fuck up. It’s part of life.

If you can’t have a conversation about something he did wrong, or something you can’t let go of, then you can’t really think you can move forward.

My advice to B-Girl is that she needs to figure out where on the scale – from baby spit-up to being physically beaten – this falls. It’s not nothing, like a baby’s puek. And it’s not a deal breaker, like infidelity or being hit. My gut feeling is, it’s closer to the nothing side of the scale. If things are going as well as B-Girl tells us they are now, then those things he said are akin to any immature person fighting tooth and nail not to mature. And guys are better at that than girls are. My gut feeling is, he’s embarrassed by his drama and reluctance and over reaction. I also have a hunch that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about it now.

But he made his bed and now he has to lie on it. He said those things, now he has to deal with the fall out. And the very real very serious fall out is that he hurt someone that loves him very much. He doesn’t get to decide that she has to deal with that pain in silence. Quite the opposite actually. It is his obligation to hear her out and deal with this.

Your Problem

If you were having any doubts as to how you were going to work past this, your partner’s ability and willingness to help you do so can be the deciding factor.

If it’s a past event that you really do need to let go of and move past, talk about it. Talk about the thing itself, the changes you’ve both incurred because of it. Talk about how different things are now. Talk about your relationship, reaffirm your life-process of being a teammate and having these talks openly.

The thing you hold onto in the dark, is probably what it is because it lives in darkness. Give it some light with communication, and the chance to disappear.

POLL

Do you feel you can you talk to your partner about anything?

  • Yes
  • No
  • Almost anything, but not every single thing.
See results without voting

If you like this HUB please click the “Thumbs-Up” below just before the comments.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are used courtesy of Youtube.

Comments 29 comments

Stacie Naczelnik profile image

Stacie Naczelnik 8 years ago from Seattle

Great advice Veronica! Early on in our relationship, my husband and I had some problems that related to issues with his ex-girlfriend. We hashed it out (a few major hashouts). He agreed to be open and honest with me about any future communications he has with the ex. He has followed through with this agreement, but I continued to bring up the original problem and throw it in his face. I finally had to have a conversation with myself to figure out what the problem was, and it turned out to be my own insecurity. I made the decision to trust him and our relationship, and not to bring it up in anger ever again. And I haven't. He continues to be open with me, and I am much happier. It wasn't easy to let it go, but it was necessary.

However, if I were to find out that the original problem was repeated, it would be a whole new issue and a whole different ballgame.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

I love it when you comment, Stacie, because you always bring such value to the topic in your comments. Thank you.

Thanks for sharing that. It touches upon several of the aspects I was trying to cover, from the repeat offense feelings, to the why you fester. The communication is important. You don't have to be right or wrong, you just need to be able to talk, even if it's to say - I don't know why I'm upset about this, or, I don't want to carry this around, help me let it go.


qlcoach profile image

qlcoach 8 years ago from Cave Junction, Oregon

Great hub here on the power of communication and hope! But it is hard to make rational decisions when a person is hurting. I have learned over the years to help people use skills to identify, release, and replace toxic emotions. Feel free to see how I continue to try to assist others in new ways. Sincerely: Gary Eby, author and therapist.


G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 8 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Sometimes it just doesn't work...sometimes they find a way to delay it...forget it..and then so do you...sometimes I felt like I was making too big a deal over something so small..but I am the kind that needs to express my every feelings...so now I have an EX..to a younger woman...G-Ma :o0 hugs


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

qlcoash, you're in Grants Pass? Is that where that humungous caveman is?

Gma, thanks as always for visiting me. There's nothing wrong with needing to express things, but it does need to be tempered with not making a big deal over it. My guess is, you only felt you had to make a big deal, because you weren't being heard. See, it all comes down to being able to communicate, doesn't it. ((hugs))


Stacie Naczelnik profile image

Stacie Naczelnik 8 years ago from Seattle

And, just to further the conversation on G-ma's comment: The communication wasn't working, which is why the relationship stopped working. Veronica pointed out that you weren't being heard--that doesn't mean it is your fault. You cannot make someone participate in a healthy relationship if they don't want to; and, in this case, he didn't want to. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong, it just means that the two people in the relationship weren't balancing the communication and work that goes into a healthy connection.


Patty Inglish, MS profile image

Patty Inglish, MS 8 years ago from North America

"You cannot make someone participate in a healthy relationship if they don't want to" - I second that fact, Stacie.  So many people try to force the other into it anyway...


quiet.chaos profile image

quiet.chaos 8 years ago from Torrid Simplicity

Excellent advice. It's not always easy. But sometimes you have to work through the pain. Never the same, though.

Great hub, as always.


B Girl 8 years ago

Thanks for this, Veronica. It was good to read and has helped. Many things flew through my mind as I was reading it.

The two extremes you speak of, are something we've discussed ourselves. What happened is not like cheating or abuse, but it hurt. It wasn't a deal breaker in the end, but it nearly was. We got to a point where I couldn't go on, so we had a break. He had a think. I think he got scared and woke up to what he was doing, and so we proceeded. The situation WAS corrected.

Now I hold onto the hurt for fear that it will happen again. It's not that he refuses point blank to talk about it, but we have talked about it several times, and I cannot keep bringing it up and throwing in his face, time after time. He gets annoyed when I do that because it is in the past, we sorted things out and we moved on. But I still hold onto the hurt. Like the first commenter, Stacie, said, when she kept bringing up her hurt in anger, it's not good for the relationship to keep throwing it back at someone when they have matured past it. I just hope he has matured past it truly and it will not come up again.

I think you're right, yes he should deal with the fallout and it's not up to him that I suffer in silence, but he can be difficult to talk to about things of that nature, he can be defensive but if I brought it up now, and I'm sure I will some time, when the time is right, he wouldn't point blank refuse to talk. That would be immature and damaging. I do have to be careful HOW I bring it up, as he would feel persecuted and that he's paying time and time again for his mistake if I brought it up in anger. It would need to be at a time when he's receptive and talked about in a calm way. He would talk to me if I did that. So maybe I should have clarified what i meant when i said he gets upset.

We have talked before. It's my resentment, fear and insecurity stopping me from letting go of this. I don't want to keep throwing it in his face, partly because (if I'm honest) I don't want to appear vulnerable, and partly because I feel it's not fair to keep reminding him of his mistake, now that things are better. That may not be the 'right' way- in an ideal world I wouldn't be afraid to be vulnerable and he wouldn't get defensive but that's our reality.

If I talked about that dark place whenever i felt like that, he would turn into my counsellor to some degree, and make him feel punished time and time again for his mistake, and push him away. I think even my friends would get annoyed if I brought it up all the time!

I think I have to make the decision to trust him, as Stacie has said. That is the only way we can move forward, but if it did happen again, and my fears were realised then I think the would be the end. We talked a LOT at the time it was happening and he knows what it did to me. So to do it again would be too painful, knowing that he understands what happened last time. Maybe the pain will always be there a little, even if I let go, I know if I am reminded of that time it will hurt.


B Girl 8 years ago

Thanks you for 'getting' this though Veronica, other internet advice pages just don't have the same insight.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

B Girl,

I'm so glad you read the HUB. You're very welcome. I try to "get it" whenever I can ;) And the Hubbers that commented are always a big help too.

You're right, you can't keep "bringing it up and throwing it in his face" but you can keep bringing it up and talking about your fears with your best friend for as long as it takes. 

My advice is to tell him this. And instead of your picking the right time, set a date. Tell him gently you aren't getting passed this, and you need him, you need to talk to him about your fears. This isn't about anger and judgment, it's about you and your hurt and your fears and you need to talk it out- then set a time. Tell him lets do this Friday night, I will make your favorite dinner, and get your favorite wine, and thank you for hearing me.

That way he has some time. Not that he should need to prepare to listen, but apparently he does need some time to see this isn't about him, it's about you, and he needs to get into that headspace. 

I disagree with you about talking about your dark place whenever you feel it turning your partner into your counselor. You shouldn't be talking about your dark place because you expect him to fix it like you would a therapist. Maybe that's part of the dynamic here. When you talk about your dark place, it really shouldn't be in a blaming, throwing it in his face, "here! fix this!" kind of way. You should be expressing your deepest thoughts to your closest friend. He may contribute to the conversation about his own dark places, memories of his childhood, something he saw recently that really bothered him.... it should be a "converstion" - a two way dynamic, an expression, an air clearing. It should feel like a sigh. Not like you're hitting him in the head with a baseball bat.

I believe, that gently, you need to make him understand it's not over for you. And he needs to deal with that, if he loves you and wants this relationship to work. He can't fuck up and then decide he's apologized enough and it's over. It's not up to him. In the worst case scenario it won't have been his cheating that ended the relationship, it will be his unwillingness to let you heal as you needed to that was his demise.

You are right - if you want this relationship to work, you do need to make a conscious decision to let this go. It isn't all on him. You own some of this too. You need a good mantra about putting this behind you. Let go.

I still believe in order to do that you have to be able to talk about it when it's affecting you. I also think you should talk to someone else. Maybe a therapist, or a friend. Someone that really makes you feel heard, and you should let it all out so you can really let it go. You've made it tangible - stop holding it. But in any case, this is going to take some work. Feel free to keep posting here. 

Best to you.


B Girl 8 years ago

I know exactly what you mean about having a 'conversation' and not hitting him over the head with a baseball bat. I understand the difference. There were times in the past where I either lashed out, because I was so hurt, or i just started crying over something more minor and then we ended up talking about that. Although those times were very emotional and it was me reacting, not having a calm conversation, I always tried to address it as 'I feel this way...' not 'You've done this to me...' although i think what he heard was me accusing him, and would react defensively. Then we ended up having a heart wrenching discussion which affected me a lot at the time. He wasn't hearing me properly. He had built his wall up and I wasn't getting in. Which also hurt.

But there have been times since when we've been lying in bed talking, and it's come up, and he's just held me, or we've been out having a drink and he's made a comment that tells me he understands underneath his defensiveness, or one time when he was away on a trip and he apologised to me out of the blue for everything he put me through. These times have felt 'like a sigh'. So I know it is possible for him to understand this and listen. It does seem to depend on what headspace he is in though. I don't think he ever will really 'get' how I felt then, but he does try sometimes. Other times (i.e.if it's come up in an argument) he can go back to being defensive. I wish for him to mature and hear me the first time on thse matters, instead of putting the barriers up, this will take time. It may never happen the way I'd like, but hopefully he will grow to be able to listen a little better and not take it as persecution. It's just how I feel. I think he finds it hard to understand that I'm just talking about a feeling, i'm not accusing him. The subtleties of phrasing are paramount in these conversations.

So now the dust has settled on all that, and I'm left with this bad feeling, but things are actually pretty great. We have had the odd bicker about something, but nothing too often or too big. Once or twice he has said something I find a little hurtful and that reminds me of that time, and I react again. Then we go back through my fears and the hurt. This has happened perhaps 3 times since. Afterwards I've asked him once again to think about what he's saying and to not be blunt/ defensive/ factor my feelings into it. Afterwards he will come to me and apologise. He does know. But in the moment we default to our natural responses and it can cause hurt. When we're angry with each other is not the best time to talk about things though I realised, his defenses go up again.

Your suggestion is a good one. I'm sure if i approached it like that he would listen. It does feel a little like treading on eggshells and I do need to phrase things the right way which is tricky, and not ideal. He can feel accused quite easily I think and as soon as that happens it's hard to reverse it. Though he has responded to me in the way you describe (relating stories etc) I know that I would need to set it up at a time when he is receptive, like now. It would be possible for me to set that scenario up. Especially now the defenses are down and things are good.

Talking to friends has helped, and I have seen a therapist in the past. I went to one a few years ago when I had problems with something else, and it opened my eyes to so much about myself. I still go on the odd occasion, it really helps me. I have thought about going again for this matter, though money's a bit tight. When things are a bit easier, I think I will go back. My therapist is someone who really hears me, and relate on a very deep level.

It does really help to have somewhere I can come and just read through responses, and to comment, it helps me get through those difficult moments, so thanks once again.

Take care.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

B-Girl,

I want to say this again - I just get a good feeling about you and your bf. Certain words you choose, certain phrasing... it all kind of adds up to that my impression through you, is that he is a decent guy. Less mature then you are, maybe a little reactive or over-reactive and defensive, but guys can be that way, that's really nothing so unique to him. Over all, he seems to be worth the work you're doing to make this relationship thrive.

I'm glad you have a therapist you like and trust. I am very glad you found my advice and hubapages helpful, and I hope you keep communicating here. But in no way do I think this is a substitute for real counseling.

Here's one thought for ya - you said money's tight so maybe therapy is out of the budget right now. Maybe you should call the therapist you've already established yourself with and let him/her know you feel you need to come back, you have a paticular issue you're working through and you respect the work this person has helped you do in the past, but that money is tight. Hey, things are tough all over. Maybe your therapist would be willing to take you back as an established client at a discounted rate in light of your history. It's worth a shot.


B Girl 8 years ago

Veronica,

I'm glad that that feeling comes through my words. He is a good guy. I can see that clearly, and although he does get to me sometimes, I can see that he doesn't always mean things to sound the way they do. He is getting there, maturing. I hope one day we'll look back at all this and laugh at it. Just last night he said he was glad he made the decision to move in with me. Out of the blue while we we doing the washing up. Then I went upstairs and he'd lit loads of candles in the bedroom. We just chilled and looked at things on the internet and listened to music. He seems content. And that reassures me no end. It's early days but so far it's great.

I think part of me finds it hard to believe as he was so adamant about not moving until he decided. But didn't know when that was. Hopefully those were comments made out of pig headedness and immaturity and we're past that. To let go I need to see him continue the way he is now. If it stays like this, I will be a very happy bunny indeed.

About the therapist- yes that is a good idea. He actually might be open to that, as he doesn't have a set rate. Instead he just asks for whatever you think is appropriate to give. I couldn't go too low, as he's just too good, I'd feel guilty giving him what I felt he didn't deserve, but it might work in the short term if I speak to him about it. The credit crunch is having a knock on effect everywhere!

Thanks again.


quin browne 8 years ago

i went from being sought out and wooed and having someone i told everything to, who responded to me the minute my calls or emails came in to a sudden pretense i don't exist.

hard to go from "you are my home" to "who are you?"

i don' t give easily, and it's just hard to know i am alone now at 'home'.

meh.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Ouch, Quin.

I hear ya.


DarleneMarie profile image

DarleneMarie 8 years ago from USA

Good Hub Veronica. What many do not realize is that relationships are work. They are give and take. I believe in the absence of physical abuse, we should try to work things out with our partners; otherwise, we bring the same baggage to the next relationship. Sometimes it works and sometimes it does not, you have to give your best effort.

I celebrate my 25th Wedding Anniversary with my husband this weekend and must admit the first ten years were tough! I am so glad we were able to work through our differences...I love him more everyday :)


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Happy 25th Anniversary DarleneMarie!

Thanks for your comment!


epifanny profile image

epifanny 8 years ago from AU

hey great hub Veronica, and great responses. I believe the one thing that we can do that works is not let things fester, and deal with issues as they arise. This is important because if resentment is left to linger it will only resurface at a later time and possibly blow up in your face when its dragged it into an argument weeks or even months later. We must be willing to forgive and let things go. This can be a great healing for the relationship.. I really enjoy all your hubs.. great reading cheers !!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 8 years ago from NY Author

Excellent point, epifanny. This is why I really think you have to communicate, and get things out. Best to talk to your partner. At least be talking to a friend or therapist. Don't fester, that's never the solution.


enlightenedpsych2 profile image

enlightenedpsych2 7 years ago from n.e. portion of U.S. on Planet earth

WOW did this tug at my heartstrings and it is as if i were meant to read this today, now and have the feeling it evoked. When you wrote this, "But he made his bed and now he has to lie on it. He said those things, now he has to deal with the fall out. And the very real very serious fall out is that he hurt someone that loves him very much. He doesn’t get to decide that she has to deal with that pain in silence. Quite the opposite actually. It is his obligation to hear her out and deal with this"--I wish my mate could somehow read this for it actually would ignite the need again, but alas stubbornness and spite is all that is being vented from him and I stand alone . . . but not for long ! Gosh, letting go even after 40 is rough, but thanks for putting this hub out here to ease what hurts.

sharing the light


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

enlightened,

Thanks so much for taking the time to share that comment. It means so much to me that this HUB resonated so strongly with you.

Good luck to you,

Veronica


tonks21 profile image

tonks21 7 years ago from V-Town

This is an excellent hub and one that many people should read. It's sad to see that many people who have problems in their relationships will automatically feel that it is not working and give up on each other. That is why the divorce rate is so high. People give up too easily because they are too prideful or scared to talk things out.

I have a hard time trying to talk about my feeling to my husband. I don't really know if it is because I am scared or not - but over the three years we have been married I have learned that is not the way to go. Now if we have a problem with each other we try to talk about it without arguing. Every now and than I will crawl back into my shell - but he is so understanding and will help me to open up.

We all just need to keep working on the relationship problems that we have. After all nothing is perfect in this world (especially us) and problems just help us to grow stronger together. If these problems do push us a part than it was never meant to be in the first place.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Tonks21,

Thanks so much for the contributing comment. I appreciate your stopping by and I agree with you - Nothing is perfect, relationships are a two way street, that take work.


foxility profile image

foxility 7 years ago

Relationships are a lot of work. I decided a long time ago to let go of any resentments I had with my husband because it seemed I was mad at him all the time. But, when I let go all the anger our relationship changed, and now I'm happy and we haven't fought for a really long time. Sometimes the problem isn't the other person, it's yourself.


jtboswell profile image

jtboswell 7 years ago

Veronica,

I wrote and article about moving on too. You are so right about what you said. sometimes you have to know when to let go and end a realtionship. Relation take work and their not easy. Your dealing with another personailty. My sposue had this ridiculous relationship with his ex. But after some communicating we came to terms with a lot of our issues. Therapy for us was a no brainer. We needed it. I tell all my friends that you gotta do what you can to save your relationship if you really want it. I loved it when you said if you can't discuss your feelings with your parnter why are you with them. That hit the nail on the head for me. Love it. Why would any want to be with someone that can't express themselves to? You were very detailed and oooh so right. You got to know what's best for you bottom line. Keep writing.. I always enjoy your hubs.


newsworthy 7 years ago

I liked your suggestion of taking the thing out of the dark and bringing it to light. Makes sense.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Thanks, newsworthy!


sarah 6 years ago

i does seem like the problems people face are almost the same and very relatable but then again when you deal with them individually they become rather unique.

My husband loves me a lot and i do love him too, he was my first boyfriend 6 yrs ago, dated for less than two months and got married. years later i find out issues about ponography ex girlfriends and hes ability to lie and cover up and having a straight face about it.

i feel ive grown insecure and let down by his findings that i cant let go throwing the past back at his face.

everytime i bring an issue abt his ex he gets very defensive, doesn't wanna talk about it or tells me its not worth talking about it because its in the past. i just wanted to know so that i could move past the issue and not feel threatened by any of it. Hes an incredibly kind and loving husband. He's made a lot of adjustment to our relationship and hes the exact kind of a man i would want to grow old with. my problem is i keep bringing the past everytime we are happy, its almost as if i dont wanna let go and want to see the history repeat itself and see myself cry, i dont understand.

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