Things to Learn From Your Breakup
To see how most people understand and carry out their romantic love relationships, all you have to do is spend some time looking at people’s postings on any of the social networking sites. In many cases, the relationship trials and tribulations of the teenage set show up quite similarly in the twenty-somethings, thirty-somethings, and even forty-somethings and older. That’s not too surprising, since most of us continue to reenact the same relationship errors over and over again.
Why is this so? Well, for one, most of us have had no formal training on just how romantic love relationships should go about developing and being maintained. We learn by watching those around us (parents, older siblings, friends) or by watching the movies and television. The media is a terrible teacher about relationships, and for many, family is not much better. The divorce rate is testimony to that. Even in more stable and functional families, it can be seen how the relationships are based in and acted out upon some wide spread myths and misunderstandings of how relationship works. Most neglect to consider learning about how the real mechanics of relationship work.
Many people begin and end countless romantic relationships insisting on using relationship strategies that do not work, with the mistaken notion that the central problem is that they have not met the ‘right’ romantic partner. They become frustrated in that they seem to attract, over and over, the same ‘type’ of romantic partner, and begin to wonder if they are some kind of ‘magnet’ for that type of person. It may take up to a dozen or more painful, failed relationships before the person determines that the issue may not be the other person, but themselves.
And so the effort becomes a wrestling match between the strong desire for intimacy and avoidance of being hurt again in relationship. The wounded searcher begins to believe that they are somehow fundamentally broken and are incapable of carrying out a long term romantic love relationship. They remain isolated, frustrated, lonely, and living with an in credibly low self esteem. While they are right about the central issue being themselves, the other conclusions (being fundamentally so flawed that they will never be able to be in a solid and good relationship) is self defeating.
The same principals apply to those who are in long term relationships and find that their arguments and difficulties seems to never be solved. Indeed, many people have the same issues and problem topics come up over and over again in their marriage for decades. They may try a myriad of different approaches and efforts to resolve the issue, but to no avail. After years of trying, or an episode that breaks the camel’s back, they separate and divorce, often to continue to carry out the very same pattern of relating post-divorce.
The first step to ending the hurting cycle is to surrender and admit that you need to do some serious research on how to carry out a healthy relationship. Willingness to let go of the compulsive urge to repeat strategies that have proven to be useless and the never ending search for easy-fix recipes from day time talk shows or popular magazine articles must be done in order to move forward.
Relief from the cyclical misery of either broken relationships or repetitive arguments and estrangement in long term relationships hinges on the willingness of each individual to learn and grow independently from their partner. This growth also centers on oneself, and not on your partner or ‘the relationship’. Such growth requires a deep and abiding motivation in order for the individual to find greater happiness and contentedness within themselves and within relationship. Alongside the motivation, concerted effort and real, hard work is required.
More by this Author
Adjustment disorder is common in children of divorce. Parents can learn approaches and self monitoring to help their child ease the adjustment of going through a divorce.
Learning about boundaries and disciplining yourself to use them with a narcissist is essential in managing them.
Hidden and unaddressed parental Narcissistic Personality Disorder in custody courts hurts children and dupes judges.