How She Lived Was On Her Lips

A SINCERE APOLOGY

to everyone, man and woman alike, who has read this hub. Why am I offering this apology? Well, the simple reason is this. I know that by reading such a sad, heart-wrenching episode taken from the dark days of my single life that you might have shed a few tears, and for that, I am sincerely apologetic.

I just cannot help how lonely I was in my single days or how unsuccessful I was in getting dates with girls as easily as my buddies, the jock's, class president's, and sons of merchants who were in my class.

THANK YOU.

There she stood. Like an angel from the upper-realm of Heaven. She was hardly moving allowing herself to be savored by the men who frequented this restaurant where she said we would meet.


She was enjoying the moment. As if she were the master-painter and the atmosphere was the canvas. I could barely detect that she was breathing as her stationary-pose took the image of a fine piece of sculpture that if I were asked, would name her, “She: The Masterpiece.”


The moment had finally arrived. I had spent the last $500.00 on my American Express Card for this night of untold pleasure, ecstasy and things of taboo that would rock the nastiest pulp-fiction writer’s very soul.


The white dress she was wearing had to be of a designer somewhere in France for how the fabric complimented each delicate curve of her Godly-chiseled body.


Her tanned legs so long and smooth were only made the more-seductive by her snow-white six-inch heels.


My breath was labored. My heart beat a tune out against my ribcage. I couldn’t move a muscle. My entire being was paralyzed by this female creation that was going to be with me for the next twelve hours.


Then with one magical glance, “I” caught her attention. She managed a slight, alluring smile on her full, red lips. Her eyes met mine across the smoky restaurant and said to me, “hurry up. Let’s get out of this dump and head for your bedroom.”


“She” didn’t walk across the room. She was gliding along the fine, marble floor. Her hips in perfect rhythm seemingly akin to waves of daffodils being caressed by the early summer wind in a undiscovered meadow.


I checked my pulse without her seeing me. This girl was all-woman from head to toe and needed a “real” man for the night.


We spoke few words, exchanged few smiles during our dinner. There was a reason. I was mesmerized at how she “finished-off” her Ceasar Salad; ten-ounce t-bone, green beans, garlic bread and a piece of cake, so there was no way that I could get a word in edge-wise at the top of her head bobbing up and down a she gnawed her food and chewed it like a southern sawmill.


Even the three bottles of vintage champagne didn’t free her of her female inhibitions. I wasn’t worried. I knew a girl who was playing “hard to get” when I seen one.


An hour or so passed. “She” placed a cigarette in her red, pouty lips as a sign for me to give her a light. Although I had quit smoking two weeks back, somehow I found a half-empty Marriott matchbook in my right suit pocket.


“She” had no more than took the first drag of her Virginia Slims cigarette then crushing out its fire said, “babe, “my” fire needs putting out. Can we go?”


I almost stumbled all over myself as I lunged to pull her chair out for her. She smiled a hot, sexy smile and as she rose from the chair, gave me another delightful-glance of her perfect, tanned legs in those snow-white heels.


What a game of pre-planned seduction, but when you are both a man and a loser all rolled into one body like me, you cannot take chances. You don’t wait for romance to find you, you pay for it.


So what if tomorrow morning she would think my name was “Marvin?” She and I would never lock-eyes again.


During the short cab ride, I couldn’t help but to “drink-in” how she sat, her legs crossed, perfect posture and allowing me to enjoy the expensive body wash she was wearing, and all for my benefit.


The walk upstairs in her apartment building was short. But again, being the gentleman, I allowed her to walk up the stairs first and talk about having a near-heart attack. Her hips in perfect sync underneath her slightly-tight white dress did make my chest heavy, but who cares? When you are about to make love to a goddess, little things don’t matter.


When she entered her luxurious apartment and flipped the lights on, my eyes almost burst from their sockets. I stood still as she walked slowly toward the bar across the room.


“whiskey straight, right?” she cooed.


“uhh, yeah, whiskey straight,” I replied still amazed at the condition of her apartment.


I didn’t let on that I noticed her apartment made a pig’s sty look like Buckingham Palace. Making a complaint at this strategic point might not be too prudent on my part.


We sat. We sipped our whiskey straight’s. And she did the one thing that women do that drive me crazy. She gently and slowly kicked-off her snow-white high heels and folded her shapely thighs and feet underneath her taut butt. And then stared at me like an anaconda who had cornered its prey.


“why don’t you, babe, stay here and relax and I will, if you don’t mind, get out of this hot dress,” she softly giggled allowing her tanned thighs to brush against my leg as she arose from the couch. My chest hurt. Really bad at this point. I thought about “making a run for it,” but my bud’s at the office would call me a gay for such a stupid move, so I sat still.


While “she” was out of the room, I made a mental inventory of just how sloppy her apartment really was. And when I say “sloppy,” I am being compassionate.


There were underwear everywhere--on the backs of chairs, the couch, on the ceiling fans. A collection of both men’s and women’s underwear--briefs, thongs, bra’s, panties, tee-shirts all laying as if when thrown, they stayed in that one place.


Her kitchen was deplorable. Un-eaten cans of vienna sausage, pork and beans and a few slices of molded pizza set atop the trash pile on her vintage dining table.


Along with the uneaten “food,” were several ashtrays that were spilling-over with Pall Mall, Winton and Virginia Slims cigarette butts. Throw in a half-smoked cigar or two, and you had a horrible-looking (and smelling) kitchen.


I gagged at that moment for I have a nervous stomach. I have been in outhouses, or “privies,” in better shape than this apartment that “she” called home.


I barely heard her say, “ba-be, why don’t you take your shoes and clothes off so when I get out there, we can relax together?”


I cannot remember the answer I gave, but no sooner than I had removed my pants, “she” waltzed back into the living room wearing only a thin negligee, black lace panties and black high heels.


“you like?” she whispered as she gulped-down the last of her whiskey then reached the glass to me for another drink.


“you bet, I do,” I said springing to my feet to head to the bar to prepare us two more drinks.


When I returned to the very-ragged couch, springs showing, holes from cigarette burns, I couldn’t help but notice that “she” wasn’t cuddled-up on the couch, but was sitting with her legs apart, just like a man who is deeply-involved with Monday Night Football.


She all but grabbed her drink from my hand and finished it off with one attempt. Then sat up and belched like a hard-working construction worker and said, “what?” You got a problem, ba-be?”


“Uhh, not really,” I think I said.


“hey, take a load off and let’s unwind,” she advised as she lifted her right leg and broke wind like male athletes do in their locker room for laughs.


“hey, I know,” she barked. “go into my kitchen and get that half-bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken in the refrigerator. I could really go for a drumstick for all of this socializing has made me hungry. Again.” she said fighting-off another manly-belch.


Then she caught me gazing at her in disbelief.


“something the matter?” she snapped. “did you expect a dainty girlie girl for $500?” she added slapping my gnonads with her hand and laughing.


“you got to take the slop with the banquet, honey,” she said with a wink.


“is there more hair under my arms? Doggone it! I thought I shaved them last week,” she complained.


“ready for rocking-good night, buddy?” she said slapping her hips as she arose from the ratty, out-dated and worn-out couch.


“uhh, just a moment. I think I left my ‘you know what,’ in the car. I will be right back,” I said as I leaped toward the front door.


“suit yourself. I go without a rubber or with one,” I overheard her say, then belch again, as I flew down the three flights of stairs and hopefully never to see “her” again.


But all in all, and it all nasty, the “one” things that I did learn was . . .”How She Lived Was On Her Lips.”

See by this list if you don’t agree. And ladies, you are invited to read along with your husbands and boyfriends and inject your opinions as to if “I” am right or wrong.

This hot girl eats like she lives

neat; precise and organized. She never wastes one drop of that Rocky Road she is eating on the cone.
neat; precise and organized. She never wastes one drop of that Rocky Road she is eating on the cone. | Source

1. If a Girl Eats Like a Hog -she probably lives like one too. You already know about this one from the story above.


2. If a Girl Takes Little Bites and Chews Slowly - she is a confident, organized woman and will have a role in leadership soon. And her home is so clean that you could eat lunch off of any floor in her house.


3. If a Girl Takes a Bite, Then Stops to Listen to You Talk - she is not only courteous, but keeps a super-clean home. FACT: if she has people over, she “first” cleans and tidies-up her home before she gets ready herself.


4. If a Girl Eats Like a Jet Engine - gobbling down food like a starved wolf, then she too, has a home that is not well-kept. Her priorities are such as “her” pleasures come first, then if there is time, maybe a little vacuuming and stashing some dirt underneath the nearest area rug, to round-out her day.

This girl does NOT care

how she eats or drinks. Thus, do you really think that she keeps a neat home?
how she eats or drinks. Thus, do you really think that she keeps a neat home? | Source

5. If a Girl Takes Hours to Eat - then imagine how long it will take her to clean her house or apartment. I know that “patience is a virtue,” but please, can’t you for once, speed-up with the dusting. Some of your friends may have allergies.


6. If a Girl Takes Her Time - to show-off how confident she is with her mastery of the fork and spoon, then she is this way in her relationships--never getting in a hurry. Actually in “this” girl’s case, relationships are more important to her than removing her bra’s from the shower rod in the bathroom.


7. If a Girl Nibbles and Picks at Her Food - I find she is very indecisive, hard to come to a decision. It’s as if she is mentally saying to her plate of food, “now whom is first, peas? Carrots? No, the greens. Yes, I will eat my greens first, but hey, the roll might be sensitive, so I will take a bite of him first.” If you are waiting for her to join you in the “next level” of your relationship, hope you brought a book to read or a Kindell Fire.


8. If a Girl Does Not Use a Napkin - during a meal, do you really need me to tell you how her home looks? If “you,” have to constantly remind her, “hunee, there’s a piece of pie crust on the end of your nose,” then do not go home with this girl if you like neat places to live. Her domain will give you fits.

Now "this" girl, go on. Look at her

is easy-going, tolerant and organized. See how she doesn't cram her hot cereal into her hungry mouth? I would wager too that her home is very neat.
is easy-going, tolerant and organized. See how she doesn't cram her hot cereal into her hungry mouth? I would wager too that her home is very neat. | Source

9. If a Girl Eats One Bite of Her Meal - then pushes her plate off to the side, then she only cleans her house “just enough” to get by. I mean that she may take-out the trash and wash the dishes, and stop. As it doesn’t take that much food to satisfy her as it doesn’t take that much housework to make her happy.


10. If a Girl Offers You a Bite - of her meal, then when it comes time to clean her home, “you” will not only be invited, but expected to take part in this mundane-but-important ritual. Be careful or you might become “this” girl’s lover and housekeeper.


11. If a Girl Takes One Bite - then dozes-off into space, then she can’t focus her attention (on you) or her house for any length of time. She lives by the saying, “if my housework gets done, it’s done. If it don’t, it don’t,” so imagine you and her on your honeymoon wedding night. See what I mean?


And guys, be looking for a girl like this . . .


12. If a Girl Chews Her Food While Enjoying One of “My” Hubs - then she's a “keeper.” A “real find.” I whole-heartedly advise you to form a lasting relationship with “this” girl. Girls like her are rare. Not that girls who don’t eat while reading “my” hubs are not good too, but a girl who loves to be with you, enjoy a good meal and read a hub that I have just published, well do what it takes to get and keep her for she is a special girl.


Coming soon . . .the sequel to “this” piece: “You Can Tell a Man’s Story From How He Eats and Drives.”


Be here.

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Comments 23 comments

shiningirisheyes profile image

shiningirisheyes 4 years ago from Upstate, New York

As I sit here finishing this extremely humorous hub while chewing the last of my afternoon snack (lol), the first thought that comes to mind (after the laughter) is ...you are much too hard on yourself.

That's a very original system you've come up with my friend. I wonder if it works for men as well.

You got me with this. I never saw this ending. I really set myself up for a tear-jerker of a hub and I am happy to say, the only tears that are flowing are tears of laughter.

You know what my Dad would say...."Love will go anywhere it's sent, even to a pig pen." Glad you ran from the pig pen as fast as you could - and I hope you remembered your pants.

Voting up


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

It's so surprising to me, Ken, that anyone would pay $500 to be exposed to germs that would challenge scientific discovery! Obviously, from the number of various underwear still hanging wherever it was tossed, there are many that do. Quite frankly, it's gross. I am so happy to see that you took your pants and ran for the hills. Apparently, since her appearance was impeccable, right down to her pristine white high heels, she knows civility. Yet, she made the choice to follow her superficial heart. The idea of paying for sex always freaked me out, because you are, in theory, hooking up with every person the prostitute has laid with. It is only luck when the "investment" doesn't carry lifelong health reprecussions. You made a wise choice, Ken, and learned a powerful lesson safely. I agree that body language and our habits are very telling for those that pay attention. Thank you for a honest, "food for thought" read.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

I totally agree that people's eating habits can tell you a lot about them. I don't think you can tie the two in with this story though, with the fact that the girl you were with was a prostitute. I mean, did you expect her to be a "lady"? Maybe I missed the point. Anyway, I enjoyed the run down of eating habits and what they tell you about that person.


TexasLadyJuanita profile image

TexasLadyJuanita 4 years ago from Kemah, TX

You forgot some of us. We don't order anything we are not going to eat. Like veggies when there is a steak and baked potato that will be more than filling - no room for desert. We don't like our separate foods touching on the plate. The French Toast with syrup and the eggs are on separate plates!!!! My hubby convinced me early on that if I didn't finish my food - no big deal. That is wonderful. We are a match - he finishes everything I cook! When our maids come to clean our home, they always laugh and say - it barely needs cleaning. I was about to stop reading, and comment that I was too young still to read this hub, when it took it's turn. LOL


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 4 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Absolutely and incredibly amusing and delightful. Enjoyed much. The only way out of that situation was a mad dash down the stairs. I nearly gagged when the she creature suggested you get the bucket of chicken from the fridge. Dirt, smelly kitchen and who knows how long that bucked as lived in the fridge. LOL


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 4 years ago

OMG...i am definitely twisted because my sick little mind went somewhere....completely different!

i was sure - positive - that this 'girl' was about to show you her lovely penis!

I'm sorry, but..

(sigh..i'm just sorry...)

it would have ended the same, yes? - running screaming from the house?

funny stuff!!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

ImKarn23, hahaha...I had the same thought!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, shiningirisheyes,

Your dad is very wise with that saying. And I sincerely thank you MUCH, for your kind words concerning this "controversial" hub that almost killed me (with laughter) to write it. And this was purely fiction. The guy was an imaginary ME and how I would have fared if I had used an American Express and found the "goddess of my bought dreams."

I should have just kissed her on the cheek when we went inside her sty, errr, I mean home, and left in a flash, but you know us guys. We just have to stick around (and in her apartment it was easy with the pancake syrup on the chairs) to see what good MIGHT come of this.

Visit with me soon.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Amy . . .you are 100% right. "I" should have noticed by the underwear first off, but lust blinds the keenest of men at time. If this had been true, this is how I would have handled it--leaving. Thanks for your kind comments.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy,

I concede that not all people can be "pigeon-holed" by the style that they dine, but a few can. I really didn't have any other way to end this fantasy except this one: When I said to her I need to go to my car for "something," that would have been a Hoover vacuum and me dressed in cleaning man coveralls that gave her such a turn-on, she helped me clean her place in less than an hour. Rats.

Oh, she had them too, but I didn't want to make things worse.

Love ya for all your comments.

Kenneth, Festus and crew.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, TexasLadyJuanita,

you are one blessed girl to have a husband who finishes your meal for you and is okay with your food locations. I am like that except that I am a "compartment eater." I eat one food at the time. Usually, fries first, salad next, then meat or seafood then dessert. The reason I do this is simple. To make my meal last longer.

Thanks for your input. I loved it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, GypsyRoseLee and Thank YOU so much for reading and liking this colorful hub. I say colorful because I leave it to the readers to use their imagination in placing various colors in the story. The only color I used in the beginning was WHITE, as her white heels and dress.

Wonder if I am mentally-warped by doing that? Uh, oh!

Guess I had best get help--first to clean this girl's home and then ask a psychiatrist why WHITE appears in a lot of my hubs.

I need some coffee. See you later.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Both, ImKarn and Catgypsy . . .funny ending, really funny, but not in my hubs. I am not that open-minded . . .but now that I think it over, what would I have said when she said . . ."bay-beee, want to see my . .."Nahhhhhhh. Enough is enough.

Thanks to ImKarn, catgypsy and all of you for making my day.

Love you all.

"Lonesome" Kenneth with maxed-out American Express card.

PS: Next time, I WILL leave home without it.


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

ROFL

I enjoyed a cup of hot chocolate while reading this hub. Do I qualify as a keeper?

I dated a guy who didn't like the fact that I would eat one thing at a time. I didn't realize it until he pointed it out. I didn't see the big deal. I also save my favorite food for last.

Voted up up and away!

Take care :)


Cyndi10 profile image

Cyndi10 4 years ago from Georgia

What a fun read (as I ate my breakfast), and I, too, thought the ending would have yet another twist. Either way, it was great! Your tips after were a load of laughs along with some truths. I think the one about eating and never using a napkin probably speaks volumes and that white dress probably was loaded with grease spots. He just didn't notice. Well done!


shruti sheshadri profile image

shruti sheshadri 4 years ago from Bangalore, India

This is a really interesting read! an unexpected ending that was so erotic in the start :)

highly creative, voted up :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Susan,

"yes." :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Cyndi,

I literally loved YOUR comment about this starting out as eroticism. I loved the grease spots on her white dress and the guy too blind with lust to see them. LOL. Maybe in the future, I will publish another hub about how Girls can know what a man is like just by watching him at his job. Think about it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Shruti,

Thanks so much for the sweet comments and votes. I appreciate them so much. I needed an emotional boost since the gal turned out to be a vulgar beast. And how gullible I was to be lured to her apartment by a tight white dress and white heels.

Am I an idiot or what?

Hey, why not be my follower? That way I could keep up with you and your hubs?

I will be looking for you.


HikeGuy profile image

HikeGuy 4 years ago from Northern California Coast

Kenneth -- Another wild ride -- so vivid, a hard plummet from sexy to sickening - you're amazing. Thanks again for the entertainment. I can never resist seeing what you've been up to.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thanks, HikeGuy. I needed that. And no more going out on paid for dates, especially on American Express. Next time, Visa.


HikeGuy profile image

HikeGuy 4 years ago from Northern California Coast

You're a crack-up! Not sure you can do a charge-back on a prostitute...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

HikeGuy,

Well, it was like this. American Express' rep told me when I asked that very question, "sir, you are asking for a charge-back for an, uhhh, carnal pleasure purchase? Is this right?" "of course," I replied. "Well, ha, ha, we never get those questions, and I am afraid we cannot honor your request, BUT . . .if you give me the name and number of THE DATE you walked out on, I CAN reduce the bill a little," he explained. "sure thing," and that was that. People are people, HikeGuy. Even American Express rep's.

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