How Soon Should You Have Sex in a New Relationship?

When should she say yes? How long should he wait?
When should she say yes? How long should he wait? | Source

First date? Third Date? When is Sex Okay?

You're excited. It's just your first date, but he seems so... perfect! You want to jump his bones right here, right now, but you know better. Or do you? How quickly should you have sex with someone you've recently met?

I promise not to keep you hanging. The short answer is - go for it whenever you both want to.

Keep reading to learn why it's ok to give in to your primal urges (yes, even on a first date!) and a warning about when not to.

What's Your Opinion?

When should a new couple start being sexual together?

  • Anytime they want to.
  • Not until at least a few dates.
  • Only after a month or two, when they've gotten to know each other much better.
  • Not until they know they'll be getting married.
  • No opinion / Don't know
See results without voting

Men & Women Have Different Concerns about When to Become Intimate

There's plenty of advice out there about when it's the "right" time to introduce sexual relations, but much of it is contradictory.

One piece of so-called common wisdom for men is the three date rule: If she doesn't sleep with a guy by the third date, she's not interested enough. They can also be told to deny their own urges so they don't risk losing out on a terrific girl by being too pushy.

Meanwhile, women are taught to "play hard to get." In my opinion, a woman shouldn't play at being hard to get - she should be hard to get for the wrong men, and fully receptive to the right guy. During the sexual revolution (think 1970s) it was a standard belief that after having sex with a man, he would no longer respect her. My, how times change, but old traditions die hard.

C'mon, Nobody'll Know Who Gave These Responses

What's the earliest you had sex with a new partner?

  • Before we had a date. We just hooked up.
  • On the first date.
  • On the second or third date.
  • We'd been dating a month or more.
  • We'd been dating at least three months.
  • We were married or engaged.
  • Other.
See results without voting

Sex and Attraction

You've heard of that thing called chemistry, right? When it's there, you feel lust and desire even if there's no other connection with this person you've just met. You have no idea yet if you're compatible. You just can't get those eyes, that smile, out of your mind. Butterflies are swarming in your belly, and your knees... well, what knees? They've turned to mush!

About thirty years ago, I read about a study that revealed men fall in love after just one date, as opposed to women's reports that it took 3-6 dates before women reported feeling love. While I can't recall the details of that study, similar results have been found more recently in studies conducted in the U.K. and by Match.com (reported by MarieClaire.) The online dating site's study even showed that 35% of purely random hookups turn into long-term relationships!

Well, no wonder! Men, especially younger ones, have a strong sex drive that peaks while they're in their 20s. (Women don't reach their peak sexual years until much later.) When a woman is receptive to his sexual advances, it tells him he's desirable and masculine.

Women, on the other hand, have frequently discovered a man's interest can vanish after they've had sex with him. Another piece of "common" wisdom says that it's because men have just one thing on their minds - sex - and aren't really interested in commitment. This false anecdote ignores the obvious: if a man disappears after sex, it's usually because he didn't think she was great in bed.

The way to someone's heart is to be interested in them and attracted to them. If my guy makes me feel beautiful, I'll like him more than someone whose eyes are darting around the room at other women. If a woman says YES! to sex, she's showing the kind of interest that makes him feel like a man's man - a feeling that's as intoxicating to him as roses and champagne are to her.

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But Are You Ready for Sex?

Whether or not you hold out on your urges is completely up to you, of course.

There are some good reasons to hold back. As I discuss in other articles, there are Five Pillars of Compatibility. Sexual compatibility is important, but so are the others. It's easy to get caught up in the throes of passion and ignore red flags that warn us of incompatibility - a mistake that sometimes isn't discovered until after a couple has married, had children, and found themselves in marital hell and facing a costly divorce. If a person doesn't know how to evaluate long-term compatibility because they're young, inexperienced, or have had bad experiences, they can benefit from holding off on sexual relations, even if it does mean showing less interest to the target of their affections.

Sex promotes bonding, which is desirable in a budding relationship. Both men and women experience this, but sometimes women mistake those feelings as love when it's simply a physical, brain-chemistry-induced reaction to a good sexual experience. Women and men who don't know the difference between passionate behaviors and committed ones may feel let down if they have sex and later discover it wasn't a measure of their partner's commitment.

Another good reason to hold off a bit is when you need to inform a potential partner that you have a sexually transmitted disease (STD) or if you don't have protection against STDs. Today, about half of all people will acquire an STD during their lifetimes. Of those, about 90% won't have symptoms or know they have an STD. This means that it's easy to get infected with an STD, and a potential partner is more likely to accept your bad news than would have been true years ago, but it's still important to protect yourself - both physically and emotionally. Practice safer sex and if you know you have an ailment, hold off altogether until you feel certain that you won't face rejection and a negative response.

Spiritual beliefs are the final good reason to hold off on having sex. Some religions promote waiting until marriage, and a person who believes this shouldn't violate their own ethics.

In your opinion, what's the real reason he fades after she has sex with him?

  • That's really all he wanted.
  • The sex wasn't good enough to keep him interested.
  • He wants to spread his seed far and wide.
  • He is married or in a relationship with someone else.
  • Other / I don't know.
See results without voting

Dispelling Myths About Having Sex Too Quickly

A person who knows they won't fall head over heels just because they got laid, who doesn't have an STD or religious reasons to avoid intercourse, and who practices safe sex can give themselves permission to have sex whenever they (and their partner) want to. The myths they've heard over the years don't have nearly as much substance as it may seem.

Myth: He won't respect me if I have sex too early.

Reality: As long as you're not promiscuous, he'll think you're hot for him, and that's plenty respectable in his opinion.

Myth: She'll think I just want to use her.

Reality: All women know men want sex from anywhere they can get it, including from women they're really into. You may have to show her that you really are into her, though. Plan dates, be thoughtful, and listen well and you'll do fine. (And you'll score!)



Myth: It'll make me look like I can't control myself!

Reality: You have permission to enjoy sex just because it's something enjoyable that you want to do. You don't worry that you'll look like you can't control yourself because you selfishly took a nap after work, do you? Indulging yourself doesn't mean you lack control. It means you know what you enjoy, and aren't afraid to show it sometimes.

Ready? Set? Get Ya Some Action!

What this entire article is really saying is that it's okay to be genuine about who you are and what you want. You risk someone judging you badly whether you give in or hold out, so go with your own values. You'll meet the right person who clicks with the "you" that you are whether you have sex on the first date, the third, or not until three months have passed. The right guy or girl for you is going to be the one who understands you, which means that you won't have to apologize or feel bad for making decisions that you felt were right for you at the time.


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Comments 52 comments

Anamika S profile image

Anamika S 4 years ago from Mumbai - Maharashtra, India

I think it should happen when both are emotionally ready for it. It should be consensual and both the parties should be ready to take responsibility for their actions.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

That responsibility part is important, isn't it? Thank you for commenting!


wetbaknproud profile image

wetbaknproud 4 years ago from new jersey

love is eternal while it lasts.this is one of the most accurate articles talking about a subject many times people discuss it as it should be and not as reality has it be. sex is an important part of a relationship between two persons, it can end up in a lifelong affair or a memory we cherish but in the end it will most likely be in the column of what made our hearts warm and not our blood boil.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

It saddens me how we shame ourselves over something that is a pretty natural act, but then I'm equally saddened by the harm that someone can suffer when they're not able to handle it. Hopefully, talking about it will help people have those warm-hearted memories rather than blood-boiling ones! Thanks WB&P


Lisa 4 years ago

This article is really refreshing. I agree that it is sad how we shame ourselves over a natural and spontaneous act. Unfortunately it is society that has made women feel shame. This is one of the few positive articles I have found on this subject and it is a great shame there aren't more like it. It saddens me that there is still so much slut shaming and double standards prevalent even in 2012. I have had sex on a first date and do not consider myself promiscuous. I have also been judged for it. I am a spontaneous and passionate person and the attraction and chemistry I felt was very strong. It is very rare for me to meet someone I share intense chemistry with. It saddens me that women are still very much judged harshly for having sex early when in fact they may just be comfortable enough with their sexuality to be their true selves and also feel strong chemistry and attraction towards the person involved. It is not a sign they are promiscuous and sleep with every man they go on a date with as some men automatically perceive.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

Thank you, Lisa. It's good to know that some women can be comfortable and say so even after they've faced that kind of judgment.

I hope women can start to feel okay with just being themselves one day, and that people can stop judging, too. I'm doubtful it will happen in the next few years, but hey, miracles have been known to happen!


Curiad profile image

Curiad 4 years ago from Lake Charles, LA.

This is well written and refreshing. I believe that having sex or making love as you wish to call it is perfectly OK as long as both people feel that it is. You made some very good points here and I enjoyed reading it.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

Thanks very much, Curiad!


Natashalh profile image

Natashalh 4 years ago from Hawaii

I had some roommates recently who insisted that you were obligated to sleep with a guy on the third date. They seemed confused that I'd never heard of this "rule" and were really taken aback with I said I thought that was a stupid standard to live your life by. I think you're right - it's an individual decision. Couples have to decide when they're ready and what they want out of a relationship.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

The "three date rule" is something many men use to measure if a woman is interested enough in them or not. If she doesn't feel ready after three dates (which in today's dollars can mean he's already a few hundred dollars down) then she's not likely to invest in him enough to make it worthwhile to him. I get the reasoning for it, although I can understand where a lot of women might feel offended by such an idea.


dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 4 years ago

Your quote; " if a man disappears after sex, it's usually because he didn't think she was great in bed." is spot on!

For some reason women seem to think they are all equal in bed. If a man does not call them again after sex they assume it's because "He got what he wanted". When in fact it's the complete opposite! Trust and believe if the sex was off the charts the guy would be coming back for seconds and thirds for that alone if nothing else! Most men do not subscribe to the theory that sex will get better "overtime" or it's something we can "work on" together. This is one of many gender differences between men and women. I'm glad to see you pointed out bad or boring sex usually will not lead to a second date with most men.

Awhile back I wrote a hub titled What makes a woman good in bed? I would think (both sexes) would want to (impress) those they are interested in. https://pairedlife.com/physical-intimacy/waysforwo...


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

I'm happy that you included a link to your terrific and relevant article here, DS. Thanks!


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 4 years ago from Northeast United States

jellygator: Sex is always an interesting and never stale subject, even after all these years! :) I don't judge people who have sexual impulses and act on them quickly, however, I am old fashion. I believe if any man has a 3 date rule, is not worthy of my affections or time. I believe in connecting on ALL LEVELS :) which I believe cannot happen on the first date. I believe it takes time to get to know someone and when it does happen, it will be so much better and more intense. Of course I am a woman who wants to be loved and in a serious relationship (I'm married). If someone wants to have a spontaneous hot night on the first date or even after just meeting someone like in a club or bar that is their business, but the consquences could be dire. Thank you for your honesty and a no bars look on sex and the relationship :) Also: a very important note*** Tweens and teens may read this article and I think it is very important to stress that they should wait :) Thank you.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

Teens and tweens absolutely should wait. This article is intended for adults who have the financial ability and job security to face any unanticipated consequences of having sex, and for that matter, I suppose adding that practicing safe sex is also important. Thank you for pointing that out, Carrie.

As you've said, if you're a person who values waiting, the right partner is another person who values waiting, too.


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 4 years ago from Northeast United States

jellygator: Thank you for the consideration :) Have a great day and weekend ! :)


jellygator profile image

jellygator 4 years ago from USA Author

Thanks, Carrie, and you too!


solidblue profile image

solidblue 3 years ago

I think it really is up to both both parties. Personally, I want to know more about who my partner is before that step. For me, sex isn't a casual matter. Sex changes things. I don't care what anyone says.


dwesson 3 years ago

I've done it both ways and I don't think it matters either way. I had some od the best sex ever on the first date which led to a whole weekend full of mad passionate sex. It was for that weekend only but we had talked daily over the phone texted and IM for months. That was the 1st time we had ever meet in person. WE had a lot of chemistry and just connected. It was nothing but passion. We actually still talk and are friends he just lives about 2 1/2 hours away is the only reason we didn't make if into something for ourselves. If this is something you do all the time with every guy you meet then I may call a girl easy or a slut. I'm a 44 year old woman we don't have time for games if we want it we get it if we don't feel comfortable with a guy then we don't give it up simple as that.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

I'm in complete agreement, DW.


rainpurplewine profile image

rainpurplewine 3 years ago from ATLANTA,Ga

That was an interesting read. I agree a lot of times people don't act for fear of judgement,but as you stated relationships have come about from one night stands. Nice hub.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

It bothers me to see people who feel terrible for doing something that comes naturally, or to torture a developing relationship over what other people "might" think. What do you think, rainpurplewine?


lilmissmontana profile image

lilmissmontana 3 years ago from Montana

Very interesting article. I used to be the girl that thought sex would make a guy fall in love with me. To my surprise, it never worked that way. With my current (3 year) boyfriend and father of my child, I waited. When I asked him later why he was so interested in me, he told me because I made him wait and it was a sign that I cared about myself and was really interested in forming a relationship first. I know that's not always the case, but in my experience, I'm now glad that I did what I did.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

There are some men who value waiting, and there are some who value feeling wanted more. I think that whatever you want to do, there's someone who is "right" for you.

Congrats on finding your Mr. Right, Lilmissmontana!


alahiker28 profile image

alahiker28 3 years ago from the Deep South

In early history, intercourse had the effect of saying "I Do." The act of sex preceded the engagement ring, in fact. That seems to hint that it's best to wait until you are sure you've find a permanent mate. You're points are good one - we're all grown ups here - but hearts get broken and STD's abound. It's best to be sure you really know someone first. Everyone puts their best foot forward early in a relationship, and some even distort truths to obtain their overall goal. Let the buyer beware!


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Well, I personally believe that plenty of people who waited still get heartbroken and cheated on. Also, people change over time. Our partner and ourselves will have different values and beliefs when we're 40 than we did in our 20s. Finally, as you said, people put their best foot forward early on... and when you consider that it can take YEARS to truly know someone deeply, then it seems pointless to me personally. I've seen people use "taking it slow" as a way to manipulate, and I can't say I think of that as a good thing.

Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with a person who has these values and lives by them. But I believe that if your values aren't to wait, it's ok to be true to the values that you do have. Statistically speaking, neither approach can be proven superior.


rainpurplewine profile image

rainpurplewine 3 years ago from ATLANTA,Ga

I agree that when people use waiting as a way to manipulate the situation it can cause complications. I also feel one person can do the judging when there are two people needed for the act. I do think over the years value systems change and waiting doesn't always guarantee a successful union. I think either way is fine if that is truly how you operate. However, waiting for the sake of caring about what others think makes no sense at all. A person that truly wants you, will want you whether you wait or not.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

" A person that truly wants you, will want you whether you wait or not."

Well said! Wish I had used those words. :)


JRhodesHarvey profile image

JRhodesHarvey 3 years ago

It completely depends on whether you are looking for a serious exclusive relationship - which is different to just a couple of dates with no intentions of exploring emotional intimacy, similar core values, the fundamentals for building the foundations of a long term relationship. If you have sex too soon with someone that you know very little about and just act on sexual impulses then you really cannot complain if after the lust vanishes, you are left with little in the way of emotional connection. Men and women are programmed to connect emotionally differently. Men can and will have sex with most women who agree to it, that does mean he is emotionally connected to her - the sooner she has sex with him - the less time his connection emotionally has time to build with her. Waiting to have sex has nothing to do with manipulation, although of course some people may use it for that. But in normal terms when you want an exclusive, serious relationship it's about emotional maturity and understanding HOT physical passion for someone does NOT equal or mean the person is a good match for you long term. And that is why it's wise to build an emotional connection first, to learn about each other. IF one is just dating, having fun then the question really does not arise, or need to arise, as neither party is seeking anything more than sex anyway. As for " A person that truly wants you, will want you whether you wait or not" Is not quite true, because if you enter into sexual intimacy too soon, you are only making your decision to do so based upon physical desire...and most people who want a serious relationship want someone who takes the time to LEARN about who they are giving themselves to.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Hi JRhodesHarvey!

While I respect that what you're saying is true for some people, I'm afraid I can't agree that it's true for all or even most people. Sexuality IS part of building bonds, and even if a person waits to have sex until they think they know someone well enough, they can still find betrayal and disappointment at any point. Plenty of divorces happen after several years together and many had their roots in something other than sexual matters.

Thank you for your comments!


JRhodesHarvey profile image

JRhodesHarvey 3 years ago

Thank you 'jellygator' Nothing is ever true for all people - as I study and research evolutionary and genetic programming of attraction between the sexes, I'm well aware that sex can build bonds, but it does NOT build bonds if entered into too quickly, which has absolutely nothing to do marriages ending after years of living together - that is down to human beings needing evolve and grow, which as we live longer marriage cannot always provide. IF you're saying that SEX whether it be on the first date or 10th makes no difference to building bonds and an emotional connection - then there would never be ONE NIGHT stands as one would have a connection and bond and walk off into the sunset of a new relationship. SEX does NOT produce love or emotional intimacy if entered into too early, and that is in most cases!


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

I imagine that you would agree that a relationship is created from many different things, right? Shared interests, common goals, personal compatibilities, and sexual connection all play a role.

A person can feel bonded with another person if just one of those exists, but it doesn't mean that the COUPLE has the kind of bond that will last. I think of young teens who are just starting to date and how they can go ga-ga over someone who they don't know much about. They may be dreaming of marriage and have never even seen the inside of each other's house, yet will feel crushed when a couple months later, their "beloved" breaks up to date someone else. At least one of them thought they were "meant to be together" but soon their perceptions showed them otherwise.

If this young couple had sex, they are likely to feel more bonded purely because of the oxycontin and neurotransmissions in the brain. They may not have the compatibility, shared goals, and common values that would help them endure. If they don't have sex, they may discover their limits sooner. To this point, I agree with you.

But here is the kicker: Sexuality can promote a bond that PROMOTES a couple to share their goals, values, and compatibilities, too. So that almost makes it seem like a catch-22, but I really don't think there is one.

What it boils down to is whether a person is able to evaluate their partner effectively - regardless of whether they are having sex. Many people have "bad pickers." They're attracted to partners who are incompatible and see it as "excitement" instead, or they "settle down" for a stable person only to realize down the road that they've quashed their own thirst for excitement and are now bored. The problem isn't sex... it's our ability to recognize what makes a good, compatible relationship.

I think some people recognize that they choose better if they get to know someone more slowly, but still make poor choices. There are many people who believe they know what they are doing right up front and are still wrong. It just doesn't matter much in the long run. Either a person will use good judgment or they will use a mistaken set of beliefs that leads them wrong whether they have sex or not.


JRhodesHarvey profile image

JRhodesHarvey 3 years ago

Jellygator, I really appreciate the time you have taken to provide an in-depth reply to my previous comment, however, don't be offended, I have my own consultancy and operate almost 24/7 so this will be my last reply on this subject as I just don't have the time. It's not why I have a hub-page...this is not a hobby or pastime, just an avenue to post some articles.

A relationship is not created by many different things, a relationship can range from a couple of months to a couple of years, but it won't have been formed on or around the elements you suggest in your first paragraph. Most relationships formed are on the physical, which is why MOST dating or new relationships fail around the 3-6 month mark. Now whether the two people had enough 'core element' similarities to build longevity into the scenario is another topic. Forming a relationship and maintaining one takes different elements than starting one.

As for the TEENS you refer to as an example that is ONLY infatuation, oxytocin etc..etc caused by physical attraction, it has nothing to do with a bond or them being a good match, nor necessarily because they are bad pickers of the opposite sex. Very, very few couples go on to make to 60-70 years or even several years, which is why you have so many avenues for people to FIND LOVE because it is rare to get the whole package in the elements required to build longevity. Evaluating a partner before having sex is vital - and this has nothing to do with ten years down the line IF one changes their mind and moves on to someone else that they made a BAD choice ten years earlier.

Interests are transient, so anyone that includes this as a priority for a relationship is not looking at the right elements, unless they want to be joined at the hip. Which may account why people may be changing partners frequently. What makes a couple stand the test of time, is FIRST, they need to be emotionally mature enough to see ripping each others clothes of on date 1, 2, 3 or even 7 or 8 is not part of it. As we both know once one does this, oxytocin is running high, and the rest goes out the window. SECONDLY: If you have sex too soon you run the risk of discovering the man is just there for that. And IF a woman is seriously ready for marriage and a family, she needs to decipher whether the male is on the same romantic path first, along with many other vital key areas..without those core elements they won't stay stable enough to build a nest to bring children into the world. That is what Mother nature intends. THIRDLY: Men, and by that I mean 30 plus - my clients are 35-50 on average. Do NOT want a woman having sex with them, suggesting it, coming across as though they have sex with men after a first meeting, or for a few weeks. The highly successful Alpha Male who has bar and bed hopped until he matured emotionally, the last thing he wants from a future potential wife is someone who willingly would have sex with him before knowing his values, how kind he was, how chivalrous he was, how he treated animals, children, his mother, did he have a close loving bond with her. Was his childhood emotionally stable to how he treats people generally..the list is almost endless. HE wants to know the mother of his children is going to be brought into the world by a woman who is SELECTIVE in her sexual partners, not bed down after a few dates.

The topic of this article I feel is very much akin to YOUNG people under 28 probably. If young people want to have sex every single night with different people, their choice, and to a certain extent new sexual partners is part of the maturing process. But for the seriously minded 35 year old - male or female they have no interest in this, they both want to feel a connection first, providing the first instant chemistry factor exists. SEX does not make people fall in love, it may deepen the feelings once love has started to grow, but sex itself is not the prime reason for falling in love. Having all the key elements in situ and exactly the same relationship goal is vital before love can blossom. Which is exactly WHY it doesn't blossom 99% of the time, as most men and women are at a totally different stage when it comes to looking for commitment, they just choose someone on the basis of attraction. Men are much slower at seeking commitment, and females need to be more prudent so there biological clock doesn't leave them childless.

Lastly, there is nothing more unattractive about a man or woman who has lots of different sexual partners, as goes from one relationship to another in quick succession, as though shaking hands or brushing their teeth.. I won't comment again, but I thank you for allowing my in-put and I wish you well with future articles.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

You're always welcome to place comments that disagree with my hubs, and I even encourage them. But I have to say that I believe you are talking about a small minority of people and generalizing it greatly. I realize you've studied the subject, as have I, and yet we come to widely different conclusions. I'm glad we can agree to disagree.


findtheanswer profile image

findtheanswer 3 years ago

I agree that JRhodesHarvey probably is talking about the minority, which is sad. It's sad that this question is even being asked - it's like people are lost in their values and are lacking guidance. Although casual dating/one night stands are promoted by media these days, people kind of feel there's something not right, hence the internal debate 'do it or not to do it'.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Unfortunately, yes?

The alternate point of view may be that it's unfortunate that people cannot rely on what comes naturally to them?

The only conclusion I can draw for myself is that if it's right for you, it's fine. I have not been a waiter, and I haven't been disappointed because of it, but I've known some people who have regretted. Just goes to show...


Jamme 3 years ago

Very well put together article.. Learned a lot, but for me call me old fashion, the wait is better...For others... I feel if both parties agree then go for it.... You just don't know, you maybe missing out....


Jamme 3 years ago

I like your article...


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Thank you! :)


Jamme 3 years ago

your welcome....


Educateurself 3 years ago

Hi jellygator,

I personally don't like dating, the reason is that I believe in marriage. If you have the desire of sex or to have a friendship with someone you love than you should go for marriage don't take the steps that might be not good for your life. Why do not we get married because everyone is familiar with the benefits of marriage.

It has been found that the relationship of girl with the boy before the marriage later then make a problems for girl. When the girl pregnant who is the father of their son there is no guarantee of good things in future for both the girl and boy.

Its only my opinion maybe someone disagree with it.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

What are the marriage customs in Pakistan, Educaturself?


Herb Hopkins profile image

Herb Hopkins 3 years ago from Clayton Alabama

Having a hard time with this article??? Not saying it's not a great one, but it's a conversation I have been having with my son. His dad and I are always telling him not to "jump in bed" on the first date. I noted reading thru some of the comments that some have said that sex should not be casual and that it changes things. I agree with that statement. It's hard enough on the first few dates to get to know one another, but to add intimacy to the mix just makes it harder..I've been told that I'm "old fashion" and that might be true, but my opinion is "get to know if you even are compatible before you get intimate.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Hi Herb! I think it's vitally important for people to learn the difference between compatibility and sexual frisson. If waiting helps this, then I'm all for it. However, I think that it may be unrealistic to think that people will wait long enough, or use that waiting period for the right reasons. A person who *does* understand the difference can consent to intimate relations without feeling harmed by it. A person who doesn't is going to learn the hard way whether they wait or not. I also taught my kids to wait, and they did... but certainly not "long enough!" Thanks for your comment.


smartprincess profile image

smartprincess 3 years ago from Nairobi, Kenya

love this article.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Thank you, smartprincess!


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 3 years ago from Northeast United States

OH BOY!!! :) Very interesting and opinionated article. It is very hard to resist attraction, but I think that is why most relationships fail is because that is what it was based off of. I strongly feel that if two people are strongly attracted to each other...sex can wait. A relationship should be focused on really getting to know each other...so when it does happen the wait was well worth it and the true feelings will be there. Can't get any hotter than that ! :) Its everybody's personal business and I don't judge people if they express themselves early....its just that it would be good to think about the possible consquences. Thank you for writing an interesting hub that is very engaging by readers and writers alike. Have a wonderful week.


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

Thanks for stopping and offering your contribution, Carrie Lee Night!


thatguy87 3 years ago

Im 27 and a good looking guy but ive never had a hookup or sex before dating someone longer than a month.. I'm very old fashioned I've had countless people wanna hookup with me but I refused because I like the commit meaning, desires and intimacy of a relationship. Yes I have lust just like everyone else but I've got righty rita and left lucy and other sexual pleasures so im not hooking up with god knows who and getting whatever. I don't judge or down people that do hookups but they are not for me.. I need more than that


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

You're not alone in feeling that way, thatguy87! I'm glad to hear you aren't judgmental for people who are "just that way!" Thank you for visiting and commenting.


thatguy87 3 years ago

Thanks Jellygator I appreciate it. Thank you for posting this article because I've recently ment someone I really care about after being single for 4 years after a bad breakup and having my heart ripped out.. I finally put myself out there again to love someone. . We've been on several dates and we are getting to that point

and I was wondering what was appropriate for following through with this? I do have a question for you though.. when im dating someone and they bring up past loves and hookups I do get jealous because Im afraid I wont be that great and they will compare me to them.. like this person she revealed to me she had a hookup and it was the grearest sex they've ever had.. now I'm feeling the pressure and like shit and we haven't even done anything sexual yet.


thatguy87 3 years ago

The chemistry we have is amazing our personalities are so compatible we just complete one another.. I thought I was in love before, but it never felt like this does.. I will admit I have faults and I'm not afraid to admit it.. but all of them she loves.. like a scar I have on my face I hate and try to hide it she stops me.. kisses it and says stop it.. it makes you who you are


jellygator profile image

jellygator 3 years ago from USA Author

I wouldn't worry about that past hookup. It's sort of like she says about your scar being part of who you are.... We are all a whole LOT of things to another person when we get into relationship. People who don't bring enough to the relationship won't be there very long. That hookup guy and her didn't bring enough to each other's lives to be together for long. So as long as your lady is with you, rest assured that it's because you offer her enough of what she's looking for to stick around.

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