How To Get Over A Crush

Webster defines a crush as being: an intense and usually passing infatuation.

I'd define it as being: a bittersweet period of time during which you're infatuated with someone you're highly unlikely to ever get down with (for whatever reason), eventually culminating in childish mopey-ness, (and, possibly, mild temper tantrums) when the aforementioned realization manifests.

Whichever definition you prefer, I think we can all agree that a crush usually sucks in ways the human heart seems unable to cope with at times. That, or the heart is greatly masochistic. Either way, there comes a time when you *need* to get over your crush and get on with your life. If that time is now, read on as I share my own personal philosophy on crushes and how to get over one.

Step One: Understanding What a Crush ISN'T

Crushes are pretty easy to get over once you realize what they aren't. Seriously. The problem is that most people mistake them for love and other silliness when the initial feelings start. Whether it's your high school teacher, your family doctor, your best friend's dad or that guy who lives next door -- we often confuse that fluttering for pangs of love-at-first-sight. It usually isn't. That's why it's called a crush and not love.

Step Two: Determining Whether or not it's a Crush

  1. Close your eyes and picture yourself sucking face with your crush. Did you just wrinkle your nose? If so, the person you're crushing on is most likely someone you admire a great deal, but not someone you'd want to sleep next to.

  2. If you *can* imagine yourself sucking face, imagine taking them somewhere that you're highly respected (by peers or whatnot). If you wrinkled your nose in embarrassment, this is someone you'd probably want to sleep next to, but not someone you'd want to be in a meaningful relationship with. (Gah, you shallow thing, you!)

  3. Picture yourself saying 'I do'. If you burst into hysterics (be it tears or laughter), this ain't Mr. or Ms. Right, and your crush is probably the result of a wistful libido.

Step Three: Dealing with the Results

If you've decided you're actually in love with the person in question, Congratulations! You don't have a crush, and therefore have nothing to get over. You may, however, have a broken heart, which probably sucks a whole lot worse. Sorry about that...

If you've decided that you *do* have a crush, Congratulations! You are now aware enough to realize that you're either not physically attracted to them after all -- or that you are, but don't give a toss about them otherwise. Use one of these methods to get over it:

  • Picture yourself sucking face with the person in question as often as possible. Consider yourself cured when you've been conditioned to gag upon seeing them.
  • Sleep with them and get the lust bunnies out of your system. You're likely to lose all respect for them (and yourself) immediately thereafter, and will probably now gag upon seeing them regardless.

If That STILL Doesn't Work:

Tell them about it.

Yeah, man, I'm not kidding. Part of what keeps a crush exciting is the unknown. The moment you tell someone you have a crush on them, you make it a reality. Your psyche is forced to change gears and deal with things like an adult, in real time. You can't just tell someone you have a crush on them and then take it back -- not believably, anyway. Once you tell someone, you put them in a position of responding on some level.

Perhaps they'll proclaim everlasting love right then and there. Perhaps they'll stare in horror. Perhaps they'll curl into a ball and sob like an infant. Whatever they do, it will sober you up right quick, and the crush will either need to evolve into something bigger and better... or snuff itself out.

Whichever course it takes, you'll now be over your crush!

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