How To Handle A Womanizer

Bad artwork by Tom.
Bad artwork by Tom.

You know the guy. The charm is always on, the look is always well lubricated and ready to shmooze, the woman-radar always turned up to ten. You can see him, his head turning to check out the new female coming into range, his nostrils flaring for her scent, his ears pricked to track her footsteps. There he is, coming on to your friend, your sister, your daughter. Assuming you don't live in a part of the world where you could shoot him, stone him, or have him beheaded, what do you do?

Here are some ideas.

  • Enlist some of your male friends who are unknown to the womanizer's prey to pose as the womanizer's gang. Have them say their loud hellos and ask him to make sure he brings the pretty young thing over later - so they can all have a go.
  • Get one or more of your very pregnant friends to loudly confront and accuse him of being the father.
  • Have a very attractive female friend lure the womanizer away from his prey, into a place where her husband (who is a Police Officer, Army Ranger, Marine, martial arts instructor, whatever) can observe him go just a little too far.
  • Bribe several little kids to run up to him, jump up on his lap, and yell, "Daddy, daddy! Why did you run away?"
  • Offer to buy him a drink. Whatever he asks for, give him one part gin, one part scotch, one part rum, and three parts vodka. Spike it with lemon juice and ground habereno pepper. Stay out of spewing range.
  • Put crazy glue in his hair gel.
  • When he goes to the bathroom, screw the door shut in 95 places with a cordless screw gun. Tell the victim you saw him leave and get her the hell out of there.
  • Tell him in front of his prey that an attorney has hired you to get a DNA sample for a paternity suit recently filed against him.
  • When away from the victim, explain that his target is underage and the cops are watching. Use this only if the ruse is plausible or the womanizer really, really dumb.
  • Intimate to the womanizer during a private moment that his potential prey is the daughter of a mob boss.
  • Tell the womanizer that your friend, Paula, used to be Paul, although it may not work because some guys don't care, or worse, are intrigued. Better yet, tell him her real name is Paul, and he's just dressed up for a little fun - but he likes to give much better than he likes to get.
  • In the womanizer's presence, ask his prey, pointedly, "So, are you over that little rash yet?" or even better, "Crabs all gone now?"
  • Casually thrust a sprig of poison ivy down his pants. Wear Latex gloves - for two reasons.

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Comments 70 comments

AEvans profile image

AEvans 7 years ago from SomeWhere Out There

Latex gloves lololol !!! I love the habanero trick too!!! These are unique and funny a must share with my single girlfriends...:D


jjrubio 7 years ago

this was absolutely the most hillarious hub ever! And honestly I have tried one of those to get someone to leave my sister alone so I loved it even more!!! You are too clever for your own good Tom.....FANTASTIC!!!


JanieWrites profile image

JanieWrites 7 years ago from Arizona

ha ha! these should put that creep to rest!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

There were any number of times I was a shoulder to cry on for a womanizer victim. Oily bastards. If some of my suggestions are put into practice it will be no more than some of them deserve!


Feline Prophet profile image

Feline Prophet 7 years ago from India

Hehehe...Tom you do enjoy making these lists, don't you! One really has to wonder if they're a figment of your imagination or if you talk from personal experience! :P


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Wishful thinking on my part, Feline. That's all. Just wishful thinking.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder

Good advice, and fun read.  I like the first suggestion.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Too many times it's like watching a movie and shouting at the screen, "No! Don't do it!" It would be nice if you could scare off the predator or scare some sense into the prey.


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder

Exactly what I was thinking.


Frieda Babbley profile image

Frieda Babbley 7 years ago from Saint Louis, MO

roflmao! Yet again! Agh!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Tom, you are a gentleman and a scholar. Women everywhere would pay handsomely to have you work some of your tricks for them! These are downright diabolical. And no doubt effective!!!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Someone will definitely have to try these and report back.


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

You mean they are not all field tested in the laboratory of life?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Not LL listed, nope.


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

So it was YOU, Tom Rubonoff, who orchestrated my demise.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

So sorry. A little hydrocortizone should clear that right up.


marcofratelli profile image

marcofratelli 7 years ago from Australia

Ahahahhqhah, nice work!


sharrie69 profile image

sharrie69 7 years ago from Trinidad (an island in the Caribbean)

I have the instant cure for that sort of behaviour...I tell him I won't get mad, I'll get even..it's a lot more fun! Works like a charm


KCC Big Country profile image

KCC Big Country 7 years ago from Central Texas

Thanks for answering my hub request Tom! You did an excellent job! From the looks of things, you've created a hit everyone loves!


k@ri profile image

k@ri 7 years ago from Sunny Southern California

LOL! These sound like more fun that the shooting or stoning!


Paper Moon profile image

Paper Moon 7 years ago from In the clouds

"super glue his dork to the floor" (he said with a maniacal gleam in his eyes)


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thanks, Marco!

My pleasure, KCC.

I had hoped to introduce relatively non-violent solutions, K@ri!

That would be a lasting lesson I'm sure, Paper Moon, although if it actually reached the floor, you might be doing the young lady a disservice.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Mmm Tom, where can I get my latex hands on some poison ivy?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

It likes to grow on the edge of the wood out a little ways into the meadow. It likes at least partial shade, grows generally low to the ground and shiny leaves arranged in threes.

for more info:

http://www.sfrc.ufl.edu/4h/Poison_ivy/poisoivy.htm


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Mind you, with our air pollution levels here, any plant is toxic


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Oh, so sorry. Perhaps one can hope the womanizer breathes enough of the air to become impotent.


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

All good advice Tom. I liked the violent solutions far too much!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

We dads always do, don't we /:0)


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Are you a womanizer, Tom?


Amanda Severn profile image

Amanda Severn 7 years ago from UK

Hey Tom, you missed out putting bromide in his tea! These are all very funny, and quite tempting too. One guy who dated a friend of mine was so pleased with his prowess in the bedroom department that he had a sign on the door saying 'form queue this side'. We were enormously relieved when she finally caught on to exactly what kind of a hound she'd been seeing.


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

LOL. I like the Bribe the kids to yell Daddy. hahaha. Toms an expert, I wonder what made him write this hub. hehehe (evil laugh)


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Me a womanizer. No, I am the ineffectual 'gallant knight' type. Once I was with some people on the beach and this girl was dancing and her boob was falling out. So I told her. My buddies were all so mad at me. :0(

Bromide! That's the word I was looking for. I should have asked you, Amanda, you diabolical person you.

I plead innocense, Sheena. I am like a man who has seen too many train wrecks.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

How can a gallant knight be ineffectual?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Sword too short, of course.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Oh Tom, don't sell yourself short. With that eyebrow you can slay dragons!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I have no complaints. I have three kids. It did its job.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

ROFL


marisuewrites profile image

marisuewrites 7 years ago from USA

That'll teach him!!! Wish I had read this years ago....very creative ideas. LOL

Scissors, anyone? I'm really not violent, though. Honest. My husband was a cop for over 30 years...women love a uniform, and I learned to forget about it, as long as he didn't look back. hahaha


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Cindy: "Everyone laughs at my mighty sword. Why does everyone laugh at my mighty sword?" - Randy Newman

I nominate Marisue for sainthood! (If a Jew can actually do that?)


sheenarobins profile image

sheenarobins 7 years ago from Cebu, Philippines

BTW, I love your bad artwork. Promise. Very original hub, you even manage to create your own artwork as a candy to your hub.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I have fun, Sheena, thank you very much.


Pest profile image

Pest 7 years ago from A Couch, Lake Odessa, MI

Artwork?

Tom, you have quickly become one of my favortist hubbers. Can you handle the pressure of such fortune and fame?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Exactly.

Pest, you are one of the most popular and most imitated hubbers I know. I am unworthy, but thank you for your generousnesserity.


Randy Behavior profile image

Randy Behavior 7 years ago from Near the Ocean

Thanks for the helpful advice. I'm gonna go buy some latex gloves.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

I hear they're on sale at Walgreen's!


feeweewv profile image

feeweewv 7 years ago from Between A Dream And Reality

The womanizer... what a pathetic creature... its sad that men feel like they can do anything without consequences... i like the mental retalliation.... like leaving numbers to private detectives laying around... just so they think they are being watched... then sit back and watch them squirm


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Ah, like a psychological thriller! I like that idea very much...


ReuVera profile image

ReuVera 7 years ago from USA

Hahaha, I am going to advise "Daddy, daddy! Why did you run away?" for some bachelor party :D :D :D


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Oh, ReuVera, you are so evil! I LOVE that in a hubber!


LondonGirl profile image

LondonGirl 7 years ago from London

I don't handle 'em, I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole (-:


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

The bargepole is the whole problem I think. ;0)


Ktoo profile image

Ktoo 7 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia, USA

Thanks for the laugh! I needed that!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

That would be my pleasure. Do you have any hydrocortizone?


Teresa McGurk profile image

Teresa McGurk 7 years ago from The Other Bangor

Dang, where were you all those times I was taken in by slime-meisters?


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Sorry if I was late. I'll send you a zip lock back of poison ivy and a pair of latex gloves to keep in your handbag for emergences :0)


Whikat 7 years ago

Tom, these are funny and brilliant. I enjoy your sense of humor and logic.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thanks so much, Whikat! I do try.


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

Yes you are a gentleman, someone said that previously but i don't remember who..... i love it when men try to put themselves in positions of women and understand their feelings..... not easy to do, but you did it here.....


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thank you, Brenda. That is a very big compliment!


Disturbia profile image

Disturbia 7 years ago

OMG this is funny. I love your little tricks. I have a long history with men like this. I'm making notes!


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 7 years ago from United States Author

Thanks so much, Disturbia. I hope my suggestions are helpful!


russiangypsygirl profile image

russiangypsygirl 6 years ago

Love this. Its funny but actually useful. Ugh, and I have just the picture in my head of the guy you are talking about. Love your mind, best hubs I've read thus far! =) Cheers.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States Author

Thank you, Russiangypsygirl!


notcrazyjustright 6 years ago

Ha ha ha!! Womanizing scum deserve all they get and more! Keep up the good work ladies!!


shannon 6 years ago

oh my god tom I freaking love you ! lol right on :)


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 6 years ago from United States Author

Thank you and thank you!


sunchild28 profile image

sunchild28 5 years ago from Nigeria

I have been trying to put a stop to this in my friends life, thanks for the strategies which you have given to me.


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 5 years ago from United States Author

Don't forget the poison ivy!


Chona 15 months ago

Well, I was in 4 years relationship with a womanizer , I found all the lists of women in his phone , for the first time in 4 years I checked his texts messages I saw all kinds of love notes from different women , it happened we were drinking heavily at his house , his phone rang and my lady friend was calling him and I answered "why the hell you are calling my boyfriend at 3 am " I was so livid and screamed at here but she constantly calling him 6 times hopefully he would answer but he was so drunk to even picked his phone , so I scrawled down all the texts , sure did found all the deceitful , betrayal deeds behind my back , I was so rage , I lost control and started punching on bed stearing at me helpless , he was to drunk he could not do nothing . I was under insanity at that moment , I injured my wrist , the next day , we woke up both hurting and I saw bruises all over his face, eyes and chest, he said what happened , I told him , you told me to bit you up coz betraying me , I kindly scared , but so angry at the same time and left the bastard alone and no contact for as long as I can handle .


Tom Rubenoff profile image

Tom Rubenoff 14 months ago from United States Author

Wow, that was a stormy one! It is said that there is a fine line between passion and hatred, but still, even with all this, you seem to care for him. But sometimes you have to draw the line, because you can see how mutually destructive the relationship has become. This is the right thing to do, because together you became out of control. Time to ask now, what was good and what was bad? So next time you can decide both how you expect your lover to act and how you expect yourself to react. I wish you luck in all your loves, present and future.

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