How To Read Her Facial Expressions

Women's magazines love to write articles where they explain what different body language means in a dating context. I am now going to reveal to men the secrets of women's facial expressions, as illustrated by text emoticons. (And one picture of salon denizen, Tabitha Coffey.)

:) Smiling is a good sign, and indicates some interest. It may also indicate that something pleasant is occurring inside the smiler's mind, or that the smiler simply likes to smile at people, as a blank look often offends.Be aware however, an unsolicited smile from an unknown woman could be the precursor to you A) accepting Jesus into your heart, B) buying discount car insurance or C) waking up in a bath of ice missing a kidney.

:| A total lack of facial expression may mean several things. Either she is bored, paralyzed, or dead. Females very rarely have no facial expression whatsoever because most of us like to be polite. Even if you come wandering out of a dark alley with an axe dripping blood, there is a 50% chance the first female you meet will smile at you.

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OR

ಠ_ಠ

Confusion and disapproval may ensue if you behave outside the bounds of the other person's construct of decent social interaction. The best part of this is that there is no way to know where those lines are until you cross them. As a general rule, commenting on the attractiveness of a woman's mother, asking her if she is bloated because of PMS, and asking 'do you really want that,' when she orders desert are all good ways ways to invoke the look of disapproval.

:D A wide grin may indicate pleasure in your company, elevated levels of intoxication, or great amusement. Continue to do whatever you were doing, unless your pants just came off, in which case you may want to put them back on.

>:| Be careful with this one, some women are unable to frown due to the botulism paralyzing their foreheads. Most often however, a frown indicates some level of displeasure. When you see the frown, first ascertain that you are not standing on her toes, and that she did not just find a mouse wearing panties in her soup. If you're in the clear there, other reasons for the frown could be the fact you're eating with your mouth open, you can't take your eyes off the cleavage at the next table over, or you keep calling her by the wrong name. If your date is a woman of high standards, or happens to be Tabitha Coffey, the frown may simply be a stock standard facial expression.

;) Winking is always a good sign, and could mean that the person talking to you needs you to play the straight man in an elaborate ruse they have concocted, or it can also mean that they are attracted to you. Wait and see whether or not you are drawn into a poker game with Russian spies to determine what the wink meant.

O_0 According to Marie Claire, if a man or woman looks away when they are talking to someone, then there is no chemistry or attraction. Other possibilities include that the person you have just met doesn't want to appear to be in a staring contest with you. If someone makes direct eye contact for an extended period of time, it can be construed as creepy, or, in some cases as an invitation to the aforementioned staring contest.

So remember, when taking to a woman, never blink if you do not wish to suffer ignominious defeat in a competition you didn't even know you were in. PRO TIP: If your new acquaintance is a vicious dog, staring may lead to mauling.