How To Tell If Your Girlfriend Is On Her Period (Without Asking)

This is a great request, I'm going to have so much fun answering it, mostly because I happen to be in possession of a hilarious boyfriend who makes this time of the month a great deal of fun for us both.

To begin with, I would advocate just asking. If you're in a committed relationship with each other, you're both going to be exposed to far grosser and more embarrassing things in your time than a woman's menstrual cycle. If you met in a bar and vomited over one another, then you already have been.

In my relationship it is typical for the conversation to go something like this:

“Has the holocaust started?”

“Shut up and get me candy.”

or I might make an announcement something like:

“Congratulations, no unplanned pregnancies this month!”

We speak in code words, like spies, except not. Over time, if you and your girlfriend make it past the first few months, you will develop your own code. Until that time, you can track the following signs.

Is she on her period?

Has the previous week been full of random mood swings? Did she get angry at you because you cleared your throat at the wrong time? Did she cry over something sentimental, like a Walmart flyer?

Does she snap at you not to touch her when you grab her behind?

Has she been stockpiling menstrual supplies like a squirrel about to go into hibernation?

Is she living on painkillers for no apparent reason?

Does she seem a little puffier than usual?

If none of these signs work, you could try the scientific method of tracking her cycle. It's simple, all you need is a calendar.

There will inevitably be a drought of intimacy when she is on her period, so on the first day that you are intimate again (this is a bit of a hit and miss method, but if you insist on not asking her straight out, then you're going to have to deal with it,) mark that day. Count 28 days forward. This is the most likely day for the onset of her next menstrual cycle. Now not all women have 28 day cycles, some women have longer ones, some shorter. You're going to have to work that out.

Menstrual cycles can also vary according to stress, illness, travel and other factors. The best you're probably ever going to do without asking is be able to determine a 'red zone' in which a period is more likely to be occurring than other times.

Just ask. It's easier for everyone.