How Do I Get a Girlfriend and Lose My Virginity?

Kate Upton will not sleep with you. Stay in your own league. (CC-BY 3.0)
Kate Upton will not sleep with you. Stay in your own league. (CC-BY 3.0) | Source

Losing Your Virginity Requires a Plan

If you're reading this article for advice on how to get a girlfriend because you're one of those guys who's 30-years-old and never been kissed, you're not alone. It's much more common than you think that men are reaching ages of 30 having never had sex. And there are plenty of guys out there who are even older than that who've never had a girlfriend and never been kissed and never had sex. Virgins are everywhere and there's no reason to be ashamed. Virginity is one of society's greatest problems.

The question is whether you're one of those virgins who wants to do something about it. If you're not, that's okay. Some people are happier when they're alone. Some people just do better when they're not around other people. You don't have to be ashamed of that fact and, I would encourage you to own your solitude. Tell people that you made the choice (assuming you have) and that you like it that way.

However, if you've read this article this far, I assume you're a guy who would like a girlfriend and would like to have sex and is tired of being alone and would like some guidance on what to do. I am here to give you that guidance. I will give you the steps you need to take to get a girlfriend and the steps you need to take to lose your virginity (though I won't go into specific details of what to do, just how to make it a possibility).

As long as you are willing to change what you are doing, to change your habits, and possibly to change some things about yourself and your behavior, you can do this. Let's face facts, whatever you've been doing hasn't worked, right? Can you admit that much? If you can admit that what you've been doing hasn't worked and you're willing to try some new stuff, you can get a girlfriend.

Are you with me? I'm dead serious here. I want you to have a girlfriend and I want to help. Please trust me that I know more about this than you can imagine.

You Must Change

The immediate response to the charge that "you must change" is usually "but I want somebody to love me for me" or "why should I change?" or some such thing.

I'm not suggesting you change who you are, unless you molest animals or are a serial killer, but whatever you've been doing hasn't exactly been working so far, so you have to admit to yourself that it's time to change something.

You don't have to change who you are, but you do have to be willing to change behaviors. At the very least, you have to be willing to try something different. Change, at its core, is frightening. Unfortunately, I can't help you if your plan is to just keep doing what you've been doing. People who fail at something and insist on doing things the same way even though they've failed doing that way are doomed. There's no magic pill for a lot of things and finding a girlfriend and losing your virginity is going to require effort and that effort is likely to feel uncomfortable to you.

This change may require you to simply change your mindset or it may require going to therapy. Do whatever you have to do.

Fear of Rejection

One of the consistent characteristics of men who are older and who haven't had sex or a girlfriend in their entire lives is that they're deathly afraid of rejection - so much so that it terrifies them to the point of inaction. They're frozen. They can't go out. They can't meet anyone.

The first thing you're going to have to do in order to get a girlfriend is face your fear of rejection. So go on, go get rejected. Believe it or not, it's not really that bad. In fact, what's frequently worse when you get dating is when you have to reject somebody else because you know the pain associated with it.

The bottom line is that in order to get a girlfriend, you're going to have to meet girls and when you start meeting girls, you're going to be rejected. If you can't handle that, you're just not going to get very far. I have a friend who's a smart guy and good-looking and he got rejected by something like twenty-five women before he met his wife.

The easiest way to get used to rejection is to start slowly and do something that doesn't carry the kind of personal, face-to-face risk you probably fear. So try this:

  1. Join an online dating site
  2. Post a good profile (read up on that if you don't know how)
  3. Email some women who are clearly out of your league (be nice, courteous, and serious)

It's pretty certain that when you email women who are out of your league, they're going to reject you. Some won't respond to you (because they get tons of emails). Some will just say not interested. It's all a form of rejection. It's impersonal and it sucks, but you know what? It won't kill you. After you get used to it, you can move on to getting rejected by women who you think are in your league and then try some who you think would pay to go out with you and they'll probably reject you too.

High Standards

Another thing that characterizes men who haven't had a girlfriend is that they maintain high, unrealistic standards. So, it's time to lower your standards! Okay, you don't really have to lower your standards, you just have to take some interest in meeting people and trying to find the beauty in different kinds of women.

My male friends tell me that once they put themselves out there and started meeting women, they were shocked by how they fell for all kinds of different women they never thought would be attractive to them.

Desperation

The mix of fear of rejection, unrealistically high standards, and desperation are a personality cocktail that's about as attractive to women as rolling around in cat poop. If you're reading this article, the worst that is going to happen to you by following my instructions is that you're still not going to have a girlfriend and still have your virginity, so don't worry.

If you're going to start meeting women, you're going to need to relax. You don't want to worry about each and every woman not liking you. The best thing you can do for yourself is not care. You can't desperately seek somebody's approval. Enjoy each moment of this journey for what it is and don't expect anything from anybody.

When did you lose your virginity?

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Get Online and Join a Dating Site

It has never been any easier to meet women, either virtually or in person. The internet has made it so. Whether you join match.com or one of the many other online dating sites, they make it possible for you to easily communicate with women and arrange to meet them in person. This is the easiest way I know for shy men and ones with potential social issues, to get the experience they need to get a girlfriend and lose their virginity.

Start Sending Some Messages

The key to getting the experience you need is to email a lot of women so that you can start up conversations with them or just get rejected outright and move on. In order to maximize the number of women willing to talk to you, you need to start out emailing women who you think might find you attractive. In other words, you want to shoot a little low. You want to email women who aren't as attractive as you are on the male-female attractiveness continuum. Look man, you need the experience, so don't go expecting to date Kate Upton right away. Work up to it. You need to learn what works and what doesn't work. You need to fail. You might need to fail a lot.

Remember this with everything you write: women like relaxed men. Just be relaxed. If you don't know how to write in a relaxed style, do some research. There are a million sites and articles detailing how to send emails once you're on a dating site. My best piece of advice though, is to fully read a woman's profile and then casually mention a detail or two from the profile to let her know that you read it. Women get so many emails when they're on a dating site that they immediately write off men who obviously didn't read their profile.

So let's say you've built up a bit of an email rapport with a woman and you want to meet her in person. What do you do? Again, you want to be casual, so when you get to this point, do this in every situation: "I'm really enjoying this conversation. Why don't we meet for a cup of coffee and chat in person?"

Note this for your future success: every "date" you propose for a first meeting will be a cup of coffee and will last no more than 1 hour. Why, you ask? Because coffee is casual (women like that), and screams "I'm not desperate" (unless you act desperate during the coffee). While having this cup of coffee, at no time will you ask for a second date. That will be done via email or phone call later on. You will simply end the date by saying you had a great time and that it was so fun to meet her and get her phone number.

What's Going to Happen After That?

After you've ended the date, you wait somewhere between 24 hours and 3 days to call her or email her back. The reason you wait to call back is that you don't want to seem desperate. Non-desperate men have lives and things to do.

Some of the women will say they're not interested. Some women won't call you back after you leave a message. Some women will stand you up on your second date. Whatever. Get used to it (it happens to both sexes). Make sure your talking to a lot of women and setting up a few coffee dates on a regular basis so that you don't put all your eggs in one basket and aren't waiting for one particular woman to call you. Once you get to the point of consistently getting those second dates, you will be well on your way to getting a girlfriend.

You just have to keep at it from there. Keep learning. Keep trying stuff. Consume all the advice you can get from people who know what they're talking about. Keep doing the stuff that works and discard the stuff that doesn't.

Okay, How Do I Lose My Virginity Though?

Well, if you've followed all the steps, you have a girlfriend now. Or, at least, you have a woman you've seen more than once. This is the first step toward losing your virginity. However, you can't jump right into that necessarily. Once you've taken the next step and seen a woman more than once, you're going to need to ascertain her attraction toward you, which means kissing her, which means reading my article on kissing, located in the link section. You're going to want to kiss her on the second or third date most likely because if you wait any longer than that, any attraction she has for you is going to wane and she's going to wonder whether you are confident at all. By kissing her, you show her you're confident and increase your attractiveness.

Once you're kissing, sex is just a natural progression. While I can't really go into more details, I guarantee you that getting to this point in the dating cycle will open up opportunities for you. You may fail at some, get close with others, but if you keep getting to this point, things will fall into place for you. Once you get here, just keep doing what you're doing and it will happen.

If you're still confused, ask me some questions in the comment section and I will absolutely answer and provide you with some guidance.

Good luck!

© 2013 Sychophantastic

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Ask Me Questions and I Will Answer 4 comments

Sychophantastic profile image

Sychophantastic 2 years ago Author

It helps you because you know you're not alone. In fact, you're probably in the same boat as a lot of people. Why not throw a profile up on match.com and see if you can't get some date? You're the man, so you'll have to do the pursuing, but why not try? So you fail? So some of the dates may go poorly. You'll learn. Don't divulge unnecessary information (like you've never been with a woman). Just try to be confident and show passion for the things you enjoy.


GuyOnTheWall 2 years ago

You're quite right of course. In fact I'd go a stage further and say if you're not willing to try or to change, it's not going to be hard - it's going to be impossible!

If there's one thing I've always struggled with, it's motivation.

How the hell one even begins to feel genuine and heartfelt motivation, I will never know.

One thing I'm curious about though; yes, the law of averages alone states that there's women out there just like me. But how does knowing this help me?


Sychophantastic profile image

Sychophantastic 2 years ago Author

Well, in the immortal words of Rob Schneider in virtually every Adam Sandler movie: "YOU CAN DO IT!" No, seriously, you can. Like anything, it just takes some practice. And besides, there are women out there just like you, in the same exact boat. If you're not willing to try or to change, it's going to be hard.


GuyOnTheWall 2 years ago

A really great piece there! No-nonsense, non patronising, straight to the nub advice that WILL work for the vast majority…. if they’re honest with themselves.

I myself are one of the afflicted I’m afraid. 44 years of age and never been anywhere near a female in any way, shape or form (in any informal, intimate way – no chatting, no dating, no kissing, no sex, no nothing). Been utterly terrified since I was knee high to a grasshopper! Thing is I know why too having had therapy for the last 4 years I now understand that is was/is a particularly toxic relationship with my mother that made me virtually Gynophobic.

Not that knowing any of that helps me unfortunately, I just know that that is the reason why I am, like I am.

I’d love to be able to say I’m going to take up your excellent advice and your recommendations, but in all honesty I probably fall into that former category you speak of. Whilst my head agrees 100% with your reasoning, logic and prescriptive advice, my heart (and my lily liver) is too weak to actually enact any of it.

The reality of what’s actually needed, is simply too much, too difficult, too insurmountable and way too traumatic for me to countenance.

Basically, I cannot for the life of me see that the potential benefits of the destination, do not outweigh the pain and perils of the journey. Any ‘victory’ would seem pyrrhic.

My head accepts this however, even if my heart sometimes yearns for love, compassion and companionship.

So it is what is it, and that is that. I’m a wuss. Period.

Anyway, back to the article. As good as it is, I do think it neglects to consider or at least underplays the significance of the social stigma attached to a 30 or 40 something that has never had a relationship. Admittedly, I’m deeply ashamed of my ‘condition’, but possible bias aside however, I am acutely aware of the clues and evidence of the past that women that I know or have known (friends wives, girlfriends etc) view me at best as an odd curiosity or at worst a stand-offish, unfathomable weirdo.

I have read opinions (sometimes on dating site forums) from women that when asked if they would date a 40 something man that had no previous relationship experience, said hell – no way! There’s obviously something seriously wrong with him i.e. is a massive creep or has major issues or something. A definite red flag candidate and one to stay clear of!

So thereby hangs the question of whether a guy should be honest with a woman from the outset or try to bluff his way through? My opinion is that you’re on a loser either way as she’ll suss you out one way or another. Women aren’t stupid.

There’s no getting away from the fact that most people (men and women) see an outwardly normal person of a certain age that they know or believe to have never had a relationship of any description, to be either a curious oddity or an out and out weirdo. I’ve even read examples that this stigma can effect ones career prospects, with superiors passing them over for promotion, because there is no wife to accompany them to informal dinners and such like, or that because of their eternal single status, something just doesn’t ‘sit right’ about the individual.

In many ways the condition is a vicious circle. The fear creates the inaction and the inaction creates the stigma. And when faced with trying to tackle your problem, if one doesn’t get you, the other may well thwart your progress.

C’est la vie.

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