How to Stop Fighting with Your Husband: Tips for Learning How to Get Along with Your Spouse

Arguing doesn't mean you don't care for your spouse or significant other, it just means that you need to work toward a solution.
Arguing doesn't mean you don't care for your spouse or significant other, it just means that you need to work toward a solution. | Source
Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In
Fight Less, Love More: 5-Minute Conversations to Change Your Relationship without Blowing Up or Giving In

Is your marriage worth five minutes? These simple conversations can help you both get back on track in a concise, constructive way before problems get worse.

 

When you know there could be fewer fights

There's a very sad fact about the human race -- we fight. We're hostile, we like to have our way. No matter how nice a person is, deep down he or she always wants to see things go their way. The inevitable result? Fights. Arguments, quarrels, quibbles, and everyone has those nasty little quirks that never fail to irritate when patience has already worn thin. There's no way to completely eliminate disagreements -- that's just a cold, hard fact. However, there are ways to help reduce those damaging fights and hopefully have fewer disagreements over the same subjects.

I can only speak from my own experience. In that experience, the thing I've always had the most trouble with is letting things go -- which always seems to be the easiest for him. He lets it go almost as soon as it comes up, and certainly long before I feel it's been resolved. Obviously, the easiest thing is just to let it drop, but that may not always feel possible. Everyone is entitled to share their feelings and to know that they are valid; the trick is turning the negative issues into a chance for constructive communication.

Communication. You've probably heard everyone say it. It's been repeated to death, but is important enough to be mentioned yet again -- communication is key. If an issue bothers you and you don't feel your significant other has given it due consideration, let him know. It won't do any good to let it fester. It will only bother you worse with time.

Understand that he may not respond the way you'd like, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care. Also accept that your feelings are the result of your reaction to your surroundings, and are not his fault. That doesn't necessarily mean that nothing needs to change, but it does mean that you can't abdicate your responsibility for your own feelings by blaming them on him.

The difference between addressing problems and complaining. There can sometimes be a thin line between addressing issues with him and simply complaining at him. It's important to keep this difference in mind.

First, decide whether an issue is actually something he can solve. In general, men think they have to fix every problem they're presented with. Offering up a problem that he can't do something about is just bound to get a negative reaction from him, and certainly won't solve anything. Alternatively, if there is something he can do about it that doesn't occur to him, don't be afraid to give him suggestions.

If you have a grievance that you have already decided he can do something about, pick a time when he has plenty of time to discuss it. Tell him clearly and concisely what your problem is. Discuss said problem to any extent you need to. At that point, either agree to go over it further later or make sure you're both satisfied with the solution.

Complaining, on the other hand, consists more of grumbling with no real goal. If you catch yourself interrupting his normal activities to point out shortcomings, throwing out remarks about his conduct or quirks that bother you (even offhanded ones that you don't think will be offensive), or other such behaviors, then you're complaining. Quirks are just that -- habits of personality that may simply not be fixable, and may require that you develop your own coping skills so those quirks don't continue to bother you. Also bear in mind that you have your own quirks that probably annoy him too, and you have no more right to change him than he does to try to change you.

Dealing with "The Corrector"

Harmony at home is worth all the work it takes
Harmony at home is worth all the work it takes

Try not to contradict on silly things. It may be difficult to appreciate just how damaging contradiction can be. For instance, he tells you you're beautiful, and you turn right around and tell him he's wrong. Take the compliment and move on. If he states a problem, don't simply say it's not an issue -- you would feel hurt and ignored if you did the same thing, so think how he must feel. Before you contradict what he says, take a moment to think about it and decide if it's even important to say anything at all. If it's not, move on. If it is, then take a moment to form a thoughtful answer that expresses why your opinion differs.

Know when to draw the line. Boundaries are another absolutely essential part of a healthy relationship. While it's essential to do your best to get along with your husband or significant other, there is a point where he's just getting too controlling or childish. It's important to decide where your personal line is. You can't make him happy if you're not happy, and neither of you are doormats. Stick to that boundary, but do your best to still attend to the issues he sees as important or essential.

Be receptive if he has a problem. If you want him to talk to you when he has a problem, you have to do your best not to react emotionally when he does try to communicate. Attempt to keep a level head and have a constructive discussion about what's bothering him, even if it's intensely personal to you. If you want him to listen to you whenever you have a problem, you have to be willing to extend the same courtesy to him. Relationships are two-way, and must always be give-and-take. When it turns to take-and-take, you end up with an strife-filled relationship that's not fulfilling for either of you.

Remember, no one is perfect. You'll always have fights, and undoubtedly the same issues will come up again and again. The eventual goal is to find a happy medium where the two of you can work out problems as they arise, and hopefully avoid fruitless confrontations about things neither of you can help in the future.

I hope this has been helpful. Before you go, I would really appreciate if you would take a moment and answer a question for me. What is your biggest challenge when it comes to avoiding or decreasing fights in relationships? Please leave a comment below, and thank you very much for helping me continue to produce the content you want to read.

Forget about just not fighting -- here are tips to empower your relationship to make it one you both can't live without

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Comments 12 comments

Defmall 8 years ago

FINALLY! Someone finally willing to say "I have to listen" or "I need to think before I complain"

 Too many 'How to get along' sites and articles are writren from a condenscending 'They need to understand you better' perspective, and takes all of the ownership off of the author. I commend you HEAVILY for sharing something that spends more time addressing the issues and less time trying to get your partner to change.

Don't get me wrong, it takes 2 to argue and we ALL have faults...but I found it refreshing to see you putting yourself out there and showing willingness to help move the problem-solving forwad as an active participant and not a 'teacher'.

 Great Hub!


Gloria Cowdery profile image

Gloria Cowdery 7 years ago from Canada

Great ideas! Awesome that you're addressing this-Bravo!


jessie 6 years ago

I just think relationships are all dume nothing last forever its just a waste of time and heartache god luck to everyone!


wychic profile image

wychic 6 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming Author

I agree, nothing lasts forever...however, plenty of relationships do last a lifetime :).


esllr profile image

esllr 6 years ago

If the two can resolve a disagreement respectfully without placing blame or belittleing it would be great. However for those dealing with a more stubborn type you may have to express how certain action make you feel.

No one can say your wrong about how you feel.

I enjoyed your hub!Thanks!


wychic profile image

wychic 5 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming Author

@esllr -- what I've learned with my infinitely stubborn husband is that even if what we mean is that the action makes us feel a certain way, some slightly more introspective verbiage seems to work better. For instance, "When you say _____, my first reaction is _____...is that how it was intended?" or even "How can we fix that?"

What I've found is that there are a lot of times that I'll be offended by what he says, or it will hurt my feelings, but upon asking for clarification he meant it in a completely different way. Other times, he doesn't even realize that it's something that's important to me and will evoke an emotional reaction.

On the other hand, there's also the perceived absence of self-accountability in "you make me feel" rather than "this is how I feel about that."


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest

I love how you state the difference between talking about problems and complaining- guilty here! I will take this to heart and try to focus on problems that CAN be solved.

When you said your significant other says it bothers him when your correct him, etc, I thought- you're lucky he says that to you in plain English. I'm not sure my husband would even communicate something like that. I think I over communciate and he undercommunicates, but he expects me to read his mind and that part drives me nuts! We definitely have towork on that.

THanks for the tips and info! Voted up.


wychic profile image

wychic 5 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming Author

Thanks! Trust me, it did take him a while to finally say it in plain English -- it didn't take long before I was able to recognize the irritation, but for a while I didn't even know what I was doing wrong. It's amazing what can be done when people actually SAY what the problem is :P. I think learning good communication is really an ongoing process, but probably the most important one in a relationship. It's a ton of work for the people involved, but so worth it. Not complaining is an ongoing struggle for me as well, but now I'm getting a lot better about letting him know, "I'm sorry, I just need to vent," or "This is a problem that I am having, and I think that this will fix it. What do you think, and are you willing to help me?"

I'm glad it was helpful :).


noorin profile image

noorin 5 years ago from Canada

Totally agreed on all the points ... Luved the article ... Perhaps because I tend to think like men sometimes, I can see how complaining, nagging can drive one crazy, whereas in, addressing issues is a lot more productive ... I can listen to my friends vent for hours a day because I know that it ll end once I hang up the phone or walk out the door but I guess having to live with it is another story ...

Indeed no one is perfect , ce'st la vie !!!

Rated it up and will be following u =)


Laurie 5 years ago

Guys r whiny bitches!! They can dish it out but can't take a hit back!!!!! They are pathetic!


wychic profile image

wychic 5 years ago from Sheridan, Wyoming Author

Noorin -- thanks! I agree, no one is perfect and (despite what the romance movies might say) relationships are a lot of ongoing work. It's easy to complain, but much more difficult to actually come up with solutions :).

Laurie -- my guess would be, you're a bit frustrated in your relationships :P. Thankfully, it sounds like we know very different types of men.


Ayo70 2 years ago

Most difficult for me is thinking or at least pausing before I respond emotionally. Very, very challenging for me to do, and I know if I could get better at this, a lot of our arguments would be more constructive, and less volatile...

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