How to Never Get What You Want When it Comes to Love

(Usual disclaimer: Mostly, this is me "busting my own chops," so to speak, but it's pretty true. Follow my advice and you'll probably get exactly what you don't want and none of what you actually want.)

There's a lot of things you can do to prevent romance from blossoming in your life and blocking out any kind of love that could possibly sneak itself through. Follow these steps and you'll be sure to cut almost every shred of romance from your life and make sure that all your potential relationships will be nipped at the bud, because, after all, you wouldn't want something horrible like happiness to happen to you, right?

Step One: Have an idea in your mind of what you should be attracted to, regardless of what you're actually attracted to.

You should want someone with your same explicit ideals, religion, race, income, whatever. You should want someone submissive, dominant, strong, weak, male, female, whatever, because that is what you have determined consciously to be what you should naturally be attracted to.

Only one problem: It doesn't attract you. You're a girl attracted to short, sensitive guys when all your romance books and all your friends point you otherwise; you're a guy who is attracted to fit, strong women when your ego tells you that you should find smaller, daintier ones that don't make you look like less of a man by comparison; or worse, you're religious and attracted to people of your same sex even though Jesus didn't make you that way.

Yet with all your preconceived notions and ego aside, your body chemistry doesn't lie--you feel nothing for what you think you're supposed to want, and feel strongly for that which you think is inconvenient.

So what do you do? Nod your head and concede that you need to re-evaluate what's important and stop dwelling on superficialities and to explore the root of what makes you actually attracted to people more thoroughly? Hell no! Continue to push your pre-formed ideas on yourself and stick to them, blocking out all real-world romantic opportunities that could possibly bring you joy, long after your little system has proved to just not work for you!

Step Two: Expect your potential partner to be exactly like you, and don't forgive them if they are otherwise.

This business of complements attracting each other is hogwash. You want someone who not only just shares your core beliefs (which is actually reasonable), but someone who is exactly the same as you, inside and outside! They should have the same exact opinion as you about practically everything, and, more importantly, not challenge you at all on anything you believe. After all, human relationships were not meant as vehicles of personal growth, silly; they're supposed to be excuses for you to stagnate and never learn anything new for as long as possible!

Extra bonus points if you can get someone who looks like you, too, who is the opposite-sex (if heterosexual) version of you. They should look like they could be your twin or some other close relation, certainly within the confines of your race. Nothing like both intellectual and (almost) actual incest to seal the deal with it. Of course, don't actually get with a relative--that's just gross--just get with someone who looks like they could be.

By Gryffindor
By Gryffindor

Step Three: Idealistically project qualities and virtues onto the object of your affection that they do not possess and never forgive them when you find they didn't live up to them in reality.

Why love a real person when you can love someone you made up? Why worry about flesh and blood people when you can just love a projection of your own mind? Especially when you can attach this fantasy to a real-world potential love-interest! This hapless person will unfortunately think you're actually interested in them and not in your idealized, non-existent version of them that you hoped existed, but that really doesn't.

After they do something that makes it really obvious and no longer deniable that they're not up to your ridiculous and specific standards (like they commit some kind of grave moral miscalculation, or, if you're particularly superficial, if they drunk dial you one night), get really angry at them! For years! Feel like they betrayed you, when really it was no fault of their own!

Step Four: Learn to hate people for what you think they can't be, and hide from them, then complain about how you have no girlfriend / boyfriend.

After all, if you spend all your time alone in your house, shouldn't you magically have a lover by now? Don't they just pop out of nowhere? Why should you actually have to go somewhere to meet people? What is this weird "dating" and "hanging out" thing of which you speak? You mean you actually have to talk to people, a lot of people, before you actually find what it is that you're attracted to? Well, that's just silly. That's just unfair. Why should you have to do that? Why should what you think you want have to be put up to the test of reality?

Step Five: Okay, find someone you are attracted to, but make sure they are emotionally closed up and impossible to penetrate!

If you can't know what they're thinking, and they won't even let you have a clue, and send crazy, mixed messages, then at least you don't have to deal with the reality of rejection anytime soon because you'll never be completely sure if they like you or not either way!

You can spend months or years playing stupid head games because you know that just sitting down and talking about your feelings with them is just going to get you nowhere because they are so guarded and dishonest with themselves.

This is another great way to block your potential for a romantic relationship: Pursue someone who is incapable of having a romantic relationship with you in the first place!

Step Six: When you actually start meeting people, be too afraid to move forward romantically with the person / people you have found to actually be attractive and emotionally available and good for you.

Why have courage when you can more easily not have any at all? Why not just be confident when you waste your time hitting on other people you don't really like instead and leave it at that? You might actually get what you want if you spend your energy on the person you want to be with! Why spend any effort on getting over the natural nervousness that comes with making moves on someone you like, especially when you're not 100% sure how they'll react?

You might only be 70 or 80% sure that they're attracted to you! C'mon, you need at least a 99.9998% guarantee that you won't face the dreaded: "You're really cool, but I don't know if I'm that interested yet. Let's be friends for awhile longer." That would be horrible! It would basically be the end of the world! What are you thinking going after someone who is actually worth it enough to you that they make you feel vulnerable? Shame on you!

Step Infinity: Spend your evening writing an article on hubpages outlining exactly what you've done wrong so far instead of just talking to the girl outlined in step six, which could actually, God forbid, lead to a healthy romance, especially since she's online right now and you could just stop being a coward afraid of happiness and instant message her asking her if she wants to go out anywhere tonight.

. . .

...Maybe if I admit to myself that these are stupid things to do, I'll stop doing them.

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Comments 4 comments

K9keystrokes profile image

K9keystrokes 6 years ago from Northern, California

...Maybe if I admit to myself that these are stupid things to do, I'll stop doing them...

This is a great hub. I hope you can stop following your past steps and IM the darn girl!

I wish you the best of luck in your quest.


thehands profile image

thehands 6 years ago Author

Haha. Thank you K9, I will do my best!

prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 6 years ago from US

Step number six and infinity for me LOL, Thank you thehands, Maita

gina 6 years ago

hey, im not the girl but would be nice to talk to u as i know a guy thats similar & i dont know how to get close to him!

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