How to be friends with an ex: Being friends with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend

How to be friends with an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend? Being friends with your ex on a platonic level is not impossible but it is a very rare thing to happen. It is not wrong to stay friends with an ex but emotions, memories of the past, feelings of heartbreak, physical attraction and many other elements make friendship with an ex a very volatile relationship.


Think hard and be sure about your intentions to become friends with your ex. It can be a very messy and complicated relationship.
Think hard and be sure about your intentions to become friends with your ex. It can be a very messy and complicated relationship. | Source

1) Decide whether you really want to take this complicated step

It is rare that an ex-girlfriend and an ex-boyfriend can remain friends after a breakup. Such a friendship requires a strong control of emotions. You must be a hundred percent sure that you want to initiate this complicated friendship before you even think of the things you need to do.


Think about the pros, cons, advantages and disadvantages of being friends with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Weigh those advantages against the possible fallout of such an effort. If you can't see the obvious benefits of having your ex back in your life as a friend, it may just not be worth the effort.


2) Don't try to be friends with your ex immediately after a breakup

Don't be under the impression that you can become friends with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend immediately after your breakup. Your ex may still hold a grudge against you if you have broken up with him or her.


The first month after breakup is generally the worst. The second month is when you will slowly start to recuperate from your breakup and the third or the fourth month is when you will start moving on with your life normally.


This generalization is only if everything works out smoothly. Things may be worse if you broke up with your ex because he or she cheated on you, or vice versa. Ideally you may want to wait at least four to five months before you even think of talking to your ex.


3) Be sure that you have completely moved on from your previous relationship

There are no gauges to find out if you have moved on from your breakup but an easy way to be in acceptance of your breakup is to ask yourself some of these grounded questions.


Do you still feel that your relationship should be given a second chance? Would you feel jealous if your ex found a new boyfriend or girlfriend? Do you still think about your ex in a romantic way? Would you say yes, if your ex asked you out again? Are you still mad about the way your ex broke up with you? Would you consider having a one night stand with your ex?


Sit down in your room and ask yourself these questions. The slightest doubt or feeling that you still find it hard to forgive your ex and forget the bitterness should be an alarming signal for you.


Get in touch with your ex on Facebook, Twitter, email or by other virtual ways to see if he or she is  ready to meet you in person.
Get in touch with your ex on Facebook, Twitter, email or by other virtual ways to see if he or she is ready to meet you in person.

4) Get in touch on social media, email or text messages before meeting in person

There are bound to be awkward silences and weird moments when you meet your ex for the first time after breakup. Although it is unavoidable, you can reduce this awkwardness by connect with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, email or text messaging.


Just say Hi on Facebook, tag your ex in a tweet, start following one of your ex's boards on Pinterest or send a random text message. You will be able to get past the first barrier of awkwardness as you initiate some sort of ground for a further conversation.


5) Meet at a neutral venue at a public place

After being sure of your platonic intentions to be friends with your ex and after judging your ex's behavior on social media, the time will come to meet him or her. Select a neutral venue at a public place.


The meeting place should preferably not a venue that you both used to frequent as a couple. Don't ever meet your ex at his or her apartment, your house or any other place where you both have complete privacy.


You can opt to meet at a random suburb at a mall neither of you have visited before. Being at a new place will ensure that you don't have a baggage of shared romantic memories associated with that venue.


6) Involve your best friend or hang out in a group

Involving a friend is a good way of keeping a check on yourself while you try to initiate a friendship between you and your ex. Ask a friend to tag along with you when you meet your ex. The best thing to do is to hang out in a group so that all your friends can keep you company.


The presence of your friends will reduce the awkwardness between you and your ex when you meet. Your friends will also be able to hold you back if they think that either you or your ex are getting carried away with emotions.


Flirting at any level should be avoided if you want to be friends with your ex.
Flirting at any level should be avoided if you want to be friends with your ex.

7) Don't flirt or tolerate any flirting

Flirting will ruin all your chances of being friends with your ex. Flirting behavior can be very dangerous because it can either give a false hope of reconciliation or create unnecessary sparks of attraction.


There is no such thing as healthy flirting in a friendship with ex because you both are walking on thin ice. Such a situation will do much more than ruin your chances of being friends with your ex. It will bring back all the horrors of your breakup as soon as one of you realizes that it is not a place you want to be.


8) Never talk about the good times that you shared with your ex

Talking about the good times you shared with your ex in your relationship will instantly spark a flow of emotions. It can make you weak and vulnerable to think that you made a mistake of breaking up with him or her.


Avoid talking about the fun dates, romantic moments, any trips you made together, intimate moments, crazy adventures or any other situation in which you and your ex were happy in each others' company. You will not be able to maintain a platonic friendship with your ex if either of you keeps bringing up the happy times you had in your relationship.


9) Avoid sharing intimate secrets about each other with your ex

You should ideally never share your secrets with your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. Sharing secrets involves developing a high level of trust again. This can lead to many unwanted situations including one where you may run to your ex when you are sad, depressed and emotionally fragile.


The slightest of hints or desires of physical attraction should be an instant warning for you stop yourself from attempting to be friends with your ex.
The slightest of hints or desires of physical attraction should be an instant warning for you stop yourself from attempting to be friends with your ex.

10) Give up being friends with your ex if you notice hints of physical attraction

Give up on the entire idea of being friends with you ex if there are any hints of physical attraction because once it starts, it will be very hard to control.


If you have had sex with your ex when you were dating each other, even the slightest form of attraction can lead to holding of hands, cozy hug or a kiss that will lead straight into the bedroom.


You are likely to find nothing more than regret if you go along this road. The best way to deal with such a situation is to give up on friendship with your ex on a permanent basis.


11) Don't have too many expectations from your friendship with your ex

Never expect that you and your ex can go back to being the same type of friends you were before you started dating each other because it is a sure way to disappoint yourself. Accept that things have changed and that your friendship will never be the same again.


Don't expect your ex to be entirely truthful to you, confide everything in you, be someone who you can call at midnight or support you like a real friend. Most ex-lovers can never get back to being friends and consider yourself lucky if you have struck a platonic note with your ex.


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Comments 3 comments

Alphadogg16 profile image

Alphadogg16 3 years ago from Texas

Nice hub, but in my experiences it hasn't been worth the trouble to stay/be friends. Too many complications. Everyone's situation is different, but in my opinion, unless there are children involved, you stepped away/they are your ex for a reason, leave it at that.


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

It is difficult to be friends with any Ex boyfriends, girlfriends always conflict or the sign of making the same mistakes twice. The points on How to be friends with an ex: Being friends with your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend, is helpful to those who find it easy to be friends


soconfident profile image

soconfident 3 years ago

I agree that it will be a difficult step. I'm still having trouble being friends with my ex. I know it would be even harder if your ex already went out and found a boyfriend or girlfriend.

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