Why isn't my wife sexually active?

What to do?

You’ve discovered after many years of having good to great sex suddenly your wife is turning away from you and you want to know why. Only you and your wife can truly know the answer to that question, but in order to answer this, I will give you some questions to help you discover why the ‘magic’ or ‘spark’ has faded.

With women studies have shown that sex is 90% mental and 10% physical. This means we have to actually like the person we want to have sex with. And the physical side comes in very low compared to everything else. So quit worrying that you don’t have that 8 pack abs you always wanted. It didn’t bother her before, its not going to bother her now. Keep in mind this is about her, not you.

That maturity level of men and women differ greatly. Most women (not all of course) mature fully and continue to do so throughout her life. Most men (not all of course) do not mature beyond the age of 12. Think of your 12 year old self and ask yourself, what are MY differences? Do I still want toys, only bigger and more expensive ones? Am I my only concern? Yes, I have been responsible and have raised or am still raising children and holding down a job, but am I still a bit selfish? Can you see the similarities between your 12 year old self and current?

This Hub was designed from a poll of women, not just one, of the various things that are on our minds when it comes to sex.  This is what we think, these are our thoughts.  If it helps for a man to understand what I am doing here, think of it as I am allowing you behind 'enemy lines' to see our defenses.  This is not something such as 'Man Bashing', we really want you to undertand how we think and feel.

Secrets - From the mind of a woman

The biggest thing that you should start with is asking yourself, is she angry? Did you do something real or imagined that could be making her upset with you? I’m not suggest it’s something as simple as forgetting to take out the trash, unless of course for the last 20 years she has had to remind you daily to do so. I am talking something bigger. Have you cheated on her? If you think she does not know about that infidelity, are you sure? Has she suspected you’ve cheated on her? The unknown can wreak havoc on the mind of a woman.

Granted there are some women out there who like ‘angry sex’ but the majority of women who have been in a relationship for years find that wearisome. We get tired of you doing something that makes us mad, then having sex to ‘get over it’.

Have your ideas about sex changed? Are there things you want to do that might repulse her? Do you have a secret stash of nudie magazines or movies that you think you have hidden well? If this is the case, then she may feel you are keeping something from her.

Or possibly, have your ideas about sex NOT changed? Are you doing the same mundane things that you have always done? Is it always the same position? Do you always initiate it the same way? Are you adventurous in bed? Has the adventure gotten lost over the years? 

Do you have sex on your mind all the time? The consensus is that the thought of sex passes across a man’s mind every 7 to 14 seconds. If this is the case, are you making sexual innuendos? Do you make comments about sex all the time? Do you stroke the front of your pants and ask, “You want a little of this?” Are you groping inappropriately? Do you grab her boobs or butt in public? When in the beginnings of a relationship this may have seemed fun, but after a while this does get old.

Can you cuddle without ‘humping’ her leg?  Are you capable of just laying there for hours on end without the end result being sex?  And if you can, are you disappointed because there was no sex?  Does she know this? 

Do you have children? Is the burden of raising them left on her shoulders? Do you disagree on discipline or punishment? Are your views of housekeeping the same? Do you complain the house is a mess then sit in front of the TV? Complain that there is no clean clothes, yet fail to wash and dry a load of laundry? Does she have a job outside the home? The day to day things that happen in the life of a woman can put a serious drag on her sexual side.

Has she changed physically?  Is her butt bigger?  Her boobs hang lower?  Does she have wrinkles?  How about those stretch marks?  When you were younger, did this bother you?  Did you comment negatively on someone else?  Do you continue to do so?  Have you changed in your views?  If yes, does she know this?  Do you complain about her physical attributes?  No woman wants to be told her butt is too big, then be told to bend over so you can have your way with her.  She has to feel good about herself if you want her to share herself with you.

Is it possible she is having an affair? If so, she has possibly fallen in love with her lover. You will have to do some serious back peddling to get her to fall in love with you again, if that is your wish, or if it is even possible at all.

What YOU can do

If you are no longer having sex or having limited sex with your partner, it doesn’t mean this is the end. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship. Sit down and talk to her. Take it completely away from the bedroom while doing this. Go to a park, drive, get away from the house if at all possible. And more than anything LISTEN to her. Listen to what she is not saying as well, her body language will speak volumes. Do not assume that this talk will result in having sex.

Remember she has probably spent years listening to you and giving you what you want, now it’s time for you to reciprocate. If she tells you she wants romance, find a way to give it to her. If she tells you she wants you to kiss her like you mean it, do so. If she tells you she wants more playfulness in bed, that is easy to do. Women are like the ever changing tide, what pleased us years ago, is probably not going to please us now.

Think back to the days when you first fell in love, getting back to that point is not going to be easy, but think of the fun you can have while doing so!

Authors Note

Please keep in mind that I am not a professional counselor, these are my thoughts and ideas that I have garnered from speaking with others regarding this subject.  Reading an article is no substitute for seeking professional help. 

More by this Author

Comments 150 comments

JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania

Very well said!!! Also when raising small children and chasing them around from 8 in the morning to 10 at night women are just exhausted. Sometimes it not just the fact of being uninterested, it is the fact of being too tired to be interested.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you, yet again Jill!! You got that right!! This hub was inspired by a question on the 'answers' part. I wrote a brief answer and felt the need to write a more in depth Hub. There are so many variables when dealing with women... I thought I could impart a few secrets about us!! At least give the fella's a heads up.

Dave Put profile image

Dave Put 6 years ago

After reading this i feel like 12 again! Thanks for that! On a more serious note, there are some really key points in this hub that will definitely be of use. Great hub Susie!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Oh thank you Dave!! 12 huh? LOL I guess I wanted to hit hard right from the get go. My Aunt used to tell me "Boys never grow up, there toys only get bigger" as we were watching her my Uncle move dirt with his back-hoe.

Thanks for reading, truly it was your answer that got me to thinking on the subject and you sounded so forlorn I felt you should be in on some of the secrets of women.

Glad you enjoyed it and I hope you can put some of it to use. Good Luck!!

Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 6 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

There could also be physical reasons for her not wanting to engage too, like menopause, and some of its side effects.

Brother Dave.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

This is true, personally I am beginning to feel the effects of menopause at this time. BUT... I think if all the above were dealt with... menopause would not be an issue.

Dave Mathews profile image

Dave Mathews 6 years ago from NORTH YORK,ONTARIO,CANADA

Sweetsusieg: Menopause can be a big issue. My wife is effected with such painful tenderness in her breasts and lower area, accompanied by dryness and an inability to properly lubricate, that not only can I not toutch her,for fear of pain, but making love is impossible. It maybe only effects 1 in 10,000 women this way but it is a medical fact. I have done without for the past seven years, not for lack of trying anything and everything, but because of the pain she suffers.

Brother Dave.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

I am sorry to hear of you and your wife's suffering. I am sure she has been to see her Dr. because of this. Has she tried hormone therapy? I know there are some holistic medicines out there as well. I may have to do some research on this!

I did not mean to make light of the situation. I was referring to the anger that happens to some women when menopause hits. I know I am suffering anger issues that never were a problem before.

I hope that you and your wife can find some balance to your problems.

Sterling Carter profile image

Sterling Carter 6 years ago from Indian Mound, Tennessee

This explains a lot.

I am not immature. I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Now I have to get my wife to read this. Then maybe she will stop telling me to GROW UP!!! LOL

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, well this was a culmination of thoughts from myself and my women friends. Sadly, the men who need it most will probably not read it. If you've taken the time to read it you obviously have a great love for your wife and do as much as you can to please her.

I just re-read your comment - Are you saying that you enjoy being 12? LMAO.... too funny..

I suppose with all the available electronics we have today, we women should go out and buy a 'beepie' reminder for the various things we want our man to do, so we don't get angry when he says "I forgot"... hehehe

Sterling Carter profile image

Sterling Carter 6 years ago from Indian Mound, Tennessee

LOL Well I may be saying that I enjoy being 12. But at the very least I when I get into trouble I can always have this fall back position. Of course that could mean getting my butt whupped too.

I guess you could get a spray bottle and every time we fella get out of line y'all ladies can squirt us on the snout. It is a great way to train dogs anyway.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Well now Sterling you done opened up a whole can of worms on that one!! LMAO -givin' some good ideas here...

First I get to get out my paddle, cause a 12 year old boy ALWAYS is in need of a butt whippin'... AND

I'm gonna put vinegar in that spray bottle... yep, I bet it'll work too!! LOLOL

prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 6 years ago from malang-indonesia

Another great hub from you. Very useful for us. I'll bookmark this hub. I haven't married yet. But I'll share this hub to my future with. I'll show to her next time. Thank you very much for share about this.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

prasetio30 - Basically you just need to keep the lines of communication open. After being married for a while, people tend to fall into a pattern of day to day living and forget to talk and listen to what their loved ones are saying.

You are most welcome.

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 6 years ago

Sweetsusieg, You make some valid points. I would also add it's possible she may be going through menopause. A lot of women who go through "the change of life" lose their sex drive and in some instances experience discomfort when they do have sex.

Another possibilty is she may be having an affair or (considering one). Women cheat too! It's not nearly written about as much as the men. A lot of women who do cheat have a difficult time sleeping with their husbands while having an affair. This is closely related to your statement:

"With women studies have shown that sex is 90% mental and 10% physical. This means we have to (actually like the person we want to have sex with") If she's just not that into her husband it's not going to happen. She has moved on "emotionally".

"Bait & Switch" is another possibility.

I'm sure you've heard the old joke, "How do you paralyze a woman from the waist down? Marry her!" A lot of men will tell you while they were dating their wives "She did everything" and after there was an emotional commitment she slowly stopped doing things.

A woman recently posted a comment on another hub stating "Marriage is easier than dating because you don't have to worry about how (you act) nor do you have to concern yourself with (impressing) someone." hmmmm

I find it very interesting that people place more value on making a "new person" happy than a person who has committed to them. They take them for granted believeing they aren't going anywhere.

Lastly the "anger" issue or what I'd call punish/reward game some women play with regard to sex. Some women have been taught to use sex as a way to control a relationship. The mature thing to do is if you're upset with someone then communicate and get it out in the open.

Withholding sex makes it very easy for a lot of men and women to justify cheating. A marriage without sex is the same as being roommates with the same last name.

It's never smart to play games with intimacy.

Having a monogamus relationship means a man and woman have agreed to only have sex with one another. This assumes both people will be there for each other's needs.

If one person no longer wants to have sex with the other then maybe they are better off getting divorced and being friends.

"It's easier to maintain a fire than it is to reignite a spark!"

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

As one who is going through Menopause you certainly have a point. It is possible.

Since I have never even entertained the thought of an affair I really can't comment.

This Hub was more about couples who have had good to great sex in the past and now are experiencing set-backs.

Not about the 'bait and switch' forms of marriage. Though I have heard of those,

Anger is not used as a form of punishment by refusing sex.

Let me justify my argument: You are angry at your dog for crapping on the carpet- Are you going to get all lovey dovey with him or be angry for a while?

Anger is tied directly to emotion - and for women sex is 90% emotional. So if she is angry she doesn't feel like having sex. It's not about 'If you be good all week I'll give a romp on Saturday'.

As far as the communication or lack there of, that is what got them in trouble to being with.

Thanks for reading and commenting!!

Rich 6 years ago


its as if you knew what i am going thru.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Rich - You are welcome. I hope it helps even if just a little bit.

JakeMcMurphy profile image

JakeMcMurphy 6 years ago from Chicago

There could be many issues at play in this situation. Communication is the best solution. If you can talk about the issue at hand openly then it can be resolved much more effectively.

dawnM profile image

dawnM 6 years ago from THOUSAND OAKS

great article sweetsusieg, as you know my favorite topic to write about as well! you hit the nail on the head women are about the mind, that is why if a husband can give his wife some good mind sex through out the day she will be wanting him, and isnt that a husbands dream...lol

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you Dawn, I'll take that as a great compliment considering your articles! I try to explain to my husband I'd be more apt to feel more loving, if he would just be considerate of my feelings throughout the day.

Thanks for reading can commenting!

izettl profile image

izettl 6 years ago from The Great Northwest

Awesome article. I want to put a link to it on one of my hubs I recently wrote. I got really good comments, but some ridiculing me for making it seem the guy should do all the work and the woman knows best. "A Man's Guide to Sex After Marriage" is the name. I have gone through this in my marriage and mostly because of having a baby without extra help.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you for your comments. Link away! I will have to read your hub!

DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 6 years ago

I enjoyed your hub emmensely.I laughed,and learned a lot.So many things you say are true.I guess I am reading this article as like preventive medicine.I have only been married 9 years and it seems like yesterday we tied the knott.I have experienced nothing but wonderful love.I did realize I was like a 12 year old kid with his hand in the candy jar.After one piece I always wanted more.I felt like I couldn't get her off my mind.So I had to tell myself I am married forever what's the rush.That slowed me down a little and made love even greater.Thank you for such a useful hub.I hope I never have to use it.But I do understand if my wife is upset or stressed about bills,work or something she is not in the mood.Where I can totally keep it separate and one thing has nothing to do with the other.There I go again thinking like a 12 year old.Thank you for finding me.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Dream on - You are welcome. What I see from your comments is someone who is trying NOT to think like a 12 year old. To keep the excitement like a 'kid whose hand is in the candy jar' is truly needed, that is keeping the love alive! Your wife is a lucky woman indeed, to find a spouse is who is finding ways to prevent such an event from happening. If only we were all so lucky!

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Artoflegendindia 6 years ago

Excellent hub. I really appreciate your hub.Husband wife relations like a glass.I know that what do women wants? They wants happy,love, romance and his husband can complete her expectation and wish.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

No that is not entirely true, we don't wish for our husbands to fulfill all our expectations and wishes. We want to join together as a team, a partnership not all one sided. We want our husbands to communicate with us.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

klarawieck 6 years ago

Nicely put into words. :) I am going to force my husband to read it now. LOL

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

As I told another Hubber in part 2... make LOTS of copies and place them strategically around where he might 'accidentally' find them! LOL Good Luck!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

strikehappy2003 profile image

strikehappy2003 6 years ago

I think that sex is more than 90% phsyical, because a person has to be attracted to you to become sexually interated with you. I took a phsychology course that explained a lot of things about why sometimes do not have interest in sex. Some of the answers can be medicine that they are taking, or even some midlife crisis they might be going through. Being extremely busy is the number one reason why women do not have sex, because they are so tired by the end of the day.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

There are many reasons as stated above, as to why women become sexually withdrawn. First let reiterate that I am a woman speaking to men about the minds of women. I feel that my Hub was clear enough and I stand by my convictions.

Thank you for reading and commenting.

dracaslair 6 years ago

medical issues has stoped me from having sex at times. my ex hubby couldn't understand it at all it made me like him less.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

I'm sorry to hear that, if he had been understanding he may have tried working with you. I see you put that he is an 'Ex' hubby. Obviously something went wrong somewhere! I hope you have gotten better!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

DREAM ON profile image

DREAM ON 6 years ago

I once dated a woman who wanted nothing to do with sex.I talked about every reason why and tried to find answers.With her only response I don't feel the need.I have so many other things I rather do.Well that relationship ended after a long, long friendship.Every other aspect of the relationship was fine.She loved me but no sex.Have you ever heard of people who just don't want to make love at all in their lives?I moved on and later she married and good luck to him.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Yes, there are some women/men who seem to be fulfilled with life in general, with no need for sex. I believe they are called Asexual, and they do exist.

Thanks for reading and commenting! (again)

cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 6 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Maybe your wife is sexually active with someone else! lol

ecoggins profile image

ecoggins 6 years ago from Corona, California

Okay. I admit. You have me pretty much dead to rites. 12 years old is probably pretty close to the truth of it. And, pretty much a relationship ignoramus, too. Still, I've been showing a few signs of maturity lately, like I haven't bought MaddenNFL 2011 yet.lol. All joking aside this is a very insightful hub.

gucci 2011 6 years ago

Although I do agree with your post, I have my own reservations.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

ecoggins - You haven't gotten MaddenNFL 2011 yet??!! What's wrong? You're gonna do just fine! Thanks for reading and commenting!

Gucci 2011 - What are your reservations? This Hub was comprised from a poll of women, not just all of my thoughts.

Thanks for reading and commenting

AJ 6 years ago

This is a very good article. In the beginning it is like you say, then it will fall off and in the end, it will increase. You have to remember that life takes hold of everyones life. Not that we are put on the back burner but, we do have alot of things going on. We also, have to remember that sex is the icing on the cake, not the cake. Try to keep things fresh and different.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Absolutely! Sometimes as you say life gets in the way. Consideration for both parties needs to be in play, He needs to consider her and she needs to consider him. It's a two way street for any relationship to be successful.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

m920621m profile image

m920621m 6 years ago from UK

Absolutely agree with the hub. Although it's a pitty many men don't realise such obvious things...

Mamelody profile image

Mamelody 6 years ago

"With women studies have shown that sex is 90% mental and 10% physical"

Totally agree with you there hun and its a pity a lot of men dont realise that women enjoy mental sex a lot more than physical sex especially when they get older..

I cant stand men who constantly want to hump you or turn everything into a sexual innuendo. Great hub hun. Enjoyed reading it.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

m920621m - Yes, I tried to make it as clear as I could, yet you may see by some comments it is still not clear.

Mamelody - Sex of the mind is GREAT! The anticipation of waiting all day can make it even greater. What some men fail to realize is that when it's all about the 'get on, get in and get off', we feel like they'd be better off with a glory hole, if that's all we're good for.

Thanks for reading and commenting

nikitha p profile image

nikitha p 6 years ago from India

Great hub, I liked it.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

shako 6 years ago

this hub is really great, :)

sid_candid profile image

sid_candid 6 years ago

Excellent hub. Great work done.

GodsAngel1 profile image

GodsAngel1 6 years ago

A woman does need to feel good about herself. If she doesn't feel sexy and desirable, it is hard to get "in the mood". Also, keep in mind that as women age, their hormone levels change, which also affects their sex drive. You say the physical only accounts for 10%, but it is a 10% that the woman herself may not have any contro over or even realize is happening, so it can be a biggie. In this situation, men to to try and be understanding and realize that, as you said, it may not have anything to do with them. It is about her, not him.

Creativologist profile image

Creativologist 6 years ago

The last sentence in the hub said it all - think back to the days when you first fell in love. A lot of the romance is lost or faded as time goes by. Many men lose that romantic spontaneity.

Try getting away to a couples retreat for a weekend and bring back the spark.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you both for reading and commenting. Both of your ideas are worth looking into!

Vigaplus 6 years ago

Great Hub looks like you put a lot of effort in this. I am 32 years old & married for 3 years maybe I am to lazy or I believe the ever changing tide of a womans emotions you refer to is one big headache.

royalblkrose profile image

royalblkrose 6 years ago from florida

great topic, great insight.. one thing or group of things you forgot to mention... housework! If you have kids and are both working... is SHE the one doing all the housework?

Raising a family is a job in and OF itself and to go to a job, then come home and take care of kids and do dishes, and cook, and do MORE dishes, and laundry... and plan for the next day's meals and activities... and he wants to do what?

schoolgirlforreal profile image

schoolgirlforreal 6 years ago from USA

Great hub, excellent tips ,should help many men with an open mind, or desperate, either way useful!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL @ schoolgirlforreal I hope no one is desperate! But thanks for reading!

royalblkrose - I did cover that 7th paragraph 2nd capsule.

Vigaplus - I'm sorry to hear that you're too lazy to make your relationship work, or that we as women are a headache. One of two things could happen, either you will get divorced a lot, or both of you may become unhappy..

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Eva 6 years ago

There are other things that might have caused women's sex drive to suddenly disappear: Stress, menopause, suspicions of infidelity. But if something triggered a lack of trust for any reason three years ago, that might certainly lead to anger and an end of intimacy.

alexgw 6 years ago

Nice hub. When I see the headline I never thought you will write this much deep. Well a lot of points to think and correct. Thanks

ROMANCER OF LIFE profile image

ROMANCER OF LIFE 6 years ago from Honolulu, Hawaii

It's funny you wrote a hub realting to a lot of us today... I have guys that ask me that all the time. I usually tell them that guys aren't the only ones that need something to turn them on, woman usually need to be turned on to and it's usually mentally. Something their not doing to spark a woman's interest. Thanks for sharing such great hub!

tainahiteys 6 years ago

Sexually active" is a confusing term to determine, yes. I have a quick solution; when you are sexually active you are opening up your body to various disease, viruses, and bacteria.


PZigney profile image

PZigney 6 years ago

Hah so that explains it. Very informative hub. Thanks.

hitalot 6 years ago

Thank you but I have strong Catholic beliefs now against sex !

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Does that mean you won't have sex with your wife? I'm not sure I understand your comment.

nikmaya62 profile image

nikmaya62 6 years ago

I thinks sex is the key of relationship quality after married. Good job Sweet, thanks for sharing.

messerc123 profile image

messerc123 6 years ago from El Paso, Texas

Great hub, by the time I get home, help with homework, get a load of laundry on and start dinner, I'm too exhausted to even think about sex, boy am I tired lol

jeanie.stecher profile image

jeanie.stecher 6 years ago from Seattle

I agree with you Susie. I think that sexual relationship with a partner fades as years go by. This is probably so because husband and wives are more focused on their careers or busy attending to their kids. When at home, tired and exhausted. For me, it is best that husbands and wives should have a week off for them to bond again.

rhtrules 6 years ago

Gr8 work Sweetsusieg.one spelling error.plz improve this in ur next hubs.thanks for this hub

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

rhtruels - Thanks for noticing the spelling error, but you didn't tell me what it is, I can't fix it if I don't know.

ankigarg87 6 years ago

Friend very nice hub.Great work done

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you - Glad you enjoyed it!

Constanta 6 years ago

Nice hub and great work!

Thank you!

Best regards!

SirHeinsohn 6 years ago

Interesting that in answer to the subject "Why women lose interest in sex, most of the comments place the blame on the man. ten years ago, my wife told me that sex no longer intested her. hours of talks and counselling later, (she refused to see an obgyn,)she severely restricted access to the playpen. BUT, she just gave me herpes. hmm. what part of this is my fault?

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Her giving you herpes certainly isn't your fault.

This was directed in reasons why some women seem disinterested in sex after a period of time. The last part does suggest that maybe the woman was having an affair. Is this the case?

Maybe she had herpes and sex was painful, but was afraid to go see the obgyn. Try taking her out someplace neutral and talking with her.

This was not an accusatory article, it was directed to ask questions of yourself and your partner.

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

modern furniture 6 years ago

If your wife isn't sexually active it could be because she's married to you. Great hub! Nice work!

throw pillows 6 years ago

A lot of the romance is lost or faded as time goes by, it's true. Many men and women lose their romantic spontaneity. it seems to dull with age or something. That's why I think you should get into a good sexy fight and throw some pillows at each other until you re-ignite that romantic lust... I mean it should work.

Rowlycool profile image

Rowlycool 6 years ago from Lagos,Nigeria

Nice one from you,i've learned alot from it and i will definitely pass it to someone else.

robert 6 years ago

well to me after reading this,it looks like little ms.Sweetusieg is suffering from know it all diesase.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

No Robert, I do not 'know it all' I am a female and I have female friends. This is complied from what I have gleaned from us all.

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Tom_Radford profile image

Tom_Radford 6 years ago from London

Some good points in here and some unusual ones. 12? You have some research to back this up? My understanding was that it was more like 18-21.

triosol profile image

triosol 6 years ago

Very Informative hubs. Like ur Hub very much.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

@ Tom_Radford - to answer your question I learned it in Psychology.

triosol - Thank you

Thanks you both for reading and commenting

Detective 6 years ago

Make sure your wife didn't have any affair. if it does, then you have to find out why it's happening, why she choose to do so. After you learn everything about your mistake then find a new girlfriend. Make sure you don't do the mistake twice. O.o... happy boy and happy girl. Both happy now.

chubatemjen 6 years ago

very informative...understand each other and having the time for each other pays !

hjayat profile image

hjayat 6 years ago from Mexico


I believe we all marriage couples need to explore new things. Husband .. Does your wife has male friends over the messengers or social networks. Does he makes you feel bad.

I let my wife to have friends and boyfriends on messengers. This has help us to revive the sparks and we enjoy having sex again.

Cyber sex has not to be bad.

talk with your wife, ask her about her fantasies, try to make them come true. Let you wife feel like a teenager again.

Wel, I got to go but this is my email if you or anybody want to keep talking about this great theme.


Best Regards


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 6 years ago from North Carolina

Hmmm, I think you should do one on why a guy stops having sex with his partner to follow this one.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

If I did, you probably wouldn't like the answer... Yes, there are reason's they don't... And it isn't pretty.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting.

Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 6 years ago from North Carolina

OK, I'll take the bait--affair? cheating? I just bought a book on the subject and frankly, that is the OBVIOUS assumption, however, according to the two doctors who wrote the book, NOT the usual reason.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Cheating - but not in the 'normal' fashion... shall we say his preferences may have changed. Not a guaranteed thing, but it does happen. And happens entirely more often than women want to believe.

JohnBarret profile image

JohnBarret 6 years ago

Absolutely right, u r absolutely right.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Glad you agree John! LOL

doinwithout 6 years ago

I'm trying to figure out what she could be angry about. I often think this is it. And she stubbornly will not talk about the lack of sexual intimacy between us. She turns her back on it--literally. I've tried to initiate converstations to open up the topic and atmosphere by getting her to agree to use a book to focus our discussion--but she won't pull the book out from the bottom drawer. So. Now what?

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

It sounds like it is the appropriate time to seek counseling for the two of you. Don't wait for her to make the appointment, you do it. Then let her know that it is imperative that the two of you go together. Your counselor may wish to see the two of you separately as well as together, to be able to get to the bottom of the problem/s.

If she is unwilling to work on this then you will have to make a decision, and ask yourself "How important is Sex" in your marriage. I wish you the best!

jehara profile image

jehara 6 years ago

A wife who does not achieve orgasm would knowingly or unknowingly begin to loose interest in marital sex; this continued loss of interest would ultimately but gradually lead to this dreaded state of inadequate intimacy. Therefore,the single most effective way of remedying lack of intimacy in a marital union is by working towards adequate sexual satisfaction for both parties during each sexually encounter. In most cases, the responsibility of realizing this would often lie on the husband, he has to fine tune his sexual act so as to ensure that his wife achieves orgasms each and every time they are engaged in the sexual act or better still, each and every time that he intends to ejaculate.

It is important to note that every sexually active woman is capable of not just one but multiple supremely explosive orgasms when ever she is sexually stimulated, therefore, there should be no reason why your wife's case should be different. There are a few other steps which would help you to work on your wife but just know that it can and will happen if you would just take a little time out and understand how the female orgasm works.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Yes, you bring up some very valid points. Thanks you for stopping by and commenting.

AutumnLockwood profile image

AutumnLockwood 6 years ago from Northern California

This is really scary. I can't imagine myself losing sexual interest with my husband. LOL

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, Well this question was asked by someone on the 'answer' part of HubPages. Being a woman and having women friends, this subject has from time to time come up. So I felt with a certain degree of accuracy I could answer this question.

Clare 5 years ago

I think it is always important that you always make sure that you observe the action of your wife about this. Try to do some exciting things that can spicy up your activity as wife and husband. If someone is reading my comment, i suggest you ask yourself about the questions of Sweetsusieg. I am sure you will fine the answer.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks for stopping by Clare! I tried putting in all the questions that would make me not want to have sex and these are what I came up with (along with talking to my female friends and their concerns)

KLeichester 5 years ago

Nice post. Good to read.

ThussaysNanaMarie profile image

ThussaysNanaMarie 5 years ago from In my oyster

Well done! Very interesting

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

KLeichester - Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it.

ThussaysNanaMarie - Thank you!

Thank you both for stopping by and commenting.

Enough! 5 years ago

Is there a man who can accept marriage (his wife) without sex (it stops and never starts again)? Wondering if he exists. Wish mine would stop offering to leave and find another mate cause i wont comply :(

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

I'm sorry you're going thru your troubles. Have you sought counseling together? Sometimes an outsider might be able to help you see the problem and give pointers to help fix it. If your marriage is something you want to work on then maybe counseling is something the two of you should seek.


sea4 5 years ago

Dashingscorpio has it right, and I beleive its more of a people thing than a woman is smart and a man is 12 years old. Not every person man or woman has Emotional intelligence. There are lot of woman who cannot relate or act in a childish manner as well. In every book I have read on this subject it will tell you that this problem can go both ways.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL I'm afraid you may have misunderstood...I never said that women were smart and men were 12. I said that Emotionally men do not mature beyond the age of 12 (most of them). I never said it was all men, nor did I say that all women are mature. It's a majority of both. Yes, it can go both ways.

Personally I have met some women who are extremely immature and some men who are very mature. It is the majority that I am referring to in this Hub, rather than the minority.

Thank you for stopping by and commenting!

Debvill12 profile image

Debvill12 5 years ago from Iowa

Hello Sweets; I gave you an Awesome vote, on your hub because I was very impressed with so many opened ideas, and opinions. Thanks for sharing it. Deb

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it!

Marie-Renee profile image

Marie-Renee 5 years ago

Just read our hub and it is very informative. Do want to share something that a friend of mine experienced.

She suffered a trauma while giving birth and almost died and since then making love was a bit painful for her, according to her it was remembering all the pain she experienced that was making her tensed when she and her hubby were making love. The doctor explained to both of them that it was but natural and it could take some time. Her hubby couldn't understand and felt she didn't lover him anymore. They separated but after several years she did get over the fear but too late.

Had her hubby been patient enough to understand her fears then it could have turned out better for them. Your right when you say it is important to have open communication the same way that maturity plays a crucial role in relationship. I mean one can open up but then would the other understand?

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

That is very sad. Yes, pain can play a large part of a woman who doesn't want to have sex. Not that she doesn't want to, but that it's painful for her to do so. It's difficult for a man to understand that sort of pain.

Thanks for stopping by!

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Great Hub Sweetsusieg, I love the line "are you making sexual innuendos? Do you make comments about sex all the time?". Afraid I have been trying to point this out to the Hubby for the last 2 years or so. It is so NOT a turn on!

Can't remember now, but did you read my Hub on "how often do you and your partner have sex.....honestly?". There are some polls on it that have some very interesting results if you fancy a read.... or just a vote.

tysanders profile image

tysanders 5 years ago from Atlanta, Ga

Your article is very insightful. I am a woman and I'm not as interested in the sexual side of my relationship as I was in the beginning. Your article made me realize some things about myself. Very good!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

@ Misty - I'll have to check out your Hub... My husband has learned the innuendos do nothing for me.. well sometimes I laugh, but it certainly doesn't make me feel sexy.. LOL

@ tysanders - I hope the realizations were helpful!!

Thank you both for stopping by!

mistyhorizon2003 profile image

mistyhorizon2003 5 years ago from Guernsey (Channel Islands)

Yep, I laugh too, but it certainly isn't seductive, and only makes any resulting sex an exercise to humour him!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

We now have taken to quoting movies when he does something ummm, dumb.. he then says "Do I make you horny, baby" ( Austin Powers) It must be that 'look' on my face that causes him to say that. The other night he was rip-roaring to go, I was exhausted (babies, cleaning, laundry etc..) he says "I can see that your not in the mood" I laughed and replied... "Well after all, it isn't Saturday night"...

BigSerious profile image

BigSerious 5 years ago from Harrisburg, PA

I think the comments are just as informative as the hub! thank you. all of you! :)

Maria 5 years ago

Thank you this is a great hub I enjoyed

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Big Serious - The comments are great aren't they! I do enjoy them.

Maria - Glad you enjoyed it!

Thank you both for stopping by!

RSBrauer profile image

RSBrauer 5 years ago

I would say that more important than anything a woman needs to feel safe, relaxed, and trusting before she will truly open up sexually. Men on the other hand get excited by a few scantly clad images!

muvhen profile image

muvhen 5 years ago from northants

yes the comments are awesome, you need your wife to engage in some extra foreplay and dressing up always help

lmfryett profile image

lmfryett 5 years ago from Montana

I am glad to know that my husband isn't the only one out there that acts 12!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

LOL, Now that brought on a good laugh!!

L.A.Jones 5 years ago

I never seen before post like that, i'm fully agree with you, thanks for nice post

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you! I hope it helps you to understand the mind of the woman!

Sun-Girl profile image

Sun-Girl 5 years ago from Nigeria

A wonderful and a great fascinating article you really have in here which i so much enjoyed and learnt a lot from just like the other articles of yours i have come in contact with. Nice hub, cheers.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thank you! So glad you enjoyed it. What a nice compliment as well.. Blessings to you!

hemorrhoidremedy profile image

hemorrhoidremedy 5 years ago

It`s quite educative to read your articles.More ink to your pen.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks!! So glad you enjoyed!

Ashley Gray profile image

Ashley Gray 5 years ago from Colorado

You could not be more right in this hub! I really enjoyed reading this! All men should read it! :)

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

You'd think since I wrote this my hubby would have taken notes.. Alas, it is not to be... As a man he thinks he knows my mind, all I have to say about that is HAHAHAHAHA... No one knows my mind but me, then that is questionable sometimes!!

Rick 5 years ago


I read your hub and the comments that followed. I share in your opinion and insight as to the things that makes us (men) unable to see past our own mistakes. I love my wife and I went through each of your points. I have managed to grow and learn from listening to her, but I realize after 12 years that there's something else that is not revealed. My wife and I talk, share, work together on the kids, the home, the finances and our goals. We are each other's best friends, we enjoyso much of the same stuff and still allow each other some individual space. She is the mother of our 5 children and she is a hard working stay-at-home mom. She is amazing and wonderful in every way. Yet, she has not sex drive. I have listened and adapted all of the necessary changes so she will feel safe and secure. Comfortable and loved. Not in a sexual way, but in an emotional way. In an intellectual way. I try to make love to her without ever looking to actually have sexual intercouse. I get involved in the things she loves and the talk about what she likes. I don't just hel around the house, I am an active partner in the house duties. I don't watch sports, I don't play golf and I don't have habits that detract me from the joy of being with my wife and kids. We cook together, we fold clothers (sometimes together and sometimes on our own), we both nurture our children and give them lots of love and affection. Yet, she is not affectionate with me.

I have asked her to let me know if she is just not attracted or if it is something physical. She confirms that she is very attracted to me. She thinks about me in a sexual way (no the way I do) when I am not home or at times when it is not feasible. I told her that it would be ok to share with me if she is not attracted to me. I know she is because she does seem to feel confused about why she is not sexually interested.

We talk about this in depth and we are both out of reasons. She truly wants to feel more pleasure but it is not that she can't "feel me" or she is not stimulated. She just does not think of sex as a way to express or show love.

It is bad that I say this, but I am an attractive (military man) who is in good health and believe me that with five kids, I stay in shape even when I don't run 10 miles a week.

We go on weekly dates, we nurture our relationship in every other way. I support her time off every week. In fact, she goes on a weekly trip once a year and I stay at home with the kids. I make sure she does not feel guilty about buying herself new clothes or anything she loves. I compliment her on her body and despite her own self-criticism, I tell her why I think her stretch marks are a part of the beuty she she encompasses. By the way, she is a gorgeous woman wiuth a terrific body, but she focuses on the details and the inperfections. She works out at home (when she cans) and I encourage her. I take time and effort to not just say you look great in that green shirt, but I tell her that the color highlights her beautiful eyes and the way the shirts is tailored around her chest makes her look desirable but classy. I comment on how the size (Small or xsmall) is perfect for her frame because is hugs her figure and it shows the definition on her shoulders. I go in to detail when she gets a hair cut on how it may lay in layers along her porfile and how it thins her face accentuating her facial fatures.

I know she loves me and tells me how wonderful I am but when it comes to be desired by her (sexually) it just does not happen.

I am not without my faults. I don't compare myself to other men or compare her to other women, but when do you stop trying and tell yourself this is not going to work.

As a man, I don't just want to have sex, though it does satisfy the animal in me, I want to feel loved and wanted. I want her to look at me with the same desire I tell myself to have for her. I could simply stop telling myself (mentally) to just settle and let it be, but I know she enjoys feeling wanted and feeling like a pricess. Don't you thin we also feel like feeling like kings? When is it fair to expect that our spouses put the same effort that we put to make sure they feel special. I know most of us don't think this way or apply the principles you mentioned above, but I do. I have done everything and I am all ears to anyone out there who would like to tell me to do more. I will do more a thousand time over. I can assure you I have tried everything.

So, though I am grateful for your insight and for sharing your perspective into women, I find that I have worked and tried everything. I am still willing to continue to try.

How do I get my wife to learn to enjoy sex and let me provide her with more and more pleasure. How do you fight against a mental block like that though she agrees she does not know how to change....

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Rick, You sound like a terrific guy and I am sure your wife wants to feel sexual stimulation towards you but doesn't have the 'drive'. It may be a hormone imbalance that she is suffering from. Having 5 children does take a lot of of a woman's body, this comes from experience of my own body having had 5 children in a 10 year time period.

You might want to have her speak to her Doctor, there may be some sort of hormone therapy that he could suggest.

Whenever normal body functions are not working properly it is my firm belief that the first step is with your family physician.

Thank you so much for taking the time to comment on here and explain your situation fully. I hope for your sale as well as your wife that things are able to work themselves out for you both. It would be sad for a terrific relationship to break up over an issue that might be easily resolved at the Dr's office.

Blessings on the two of you!

Rick 5 years ago

I have suggested that perhaps we should seek professional help but she argues that this is common in women and most women do not like sex. She is very much against conventional medicine and will not consider anything that is not homeopathic. I have to support her and cannot push her to do anything she is not interested in exploring.

If you know of any good professionals in the DC or Northern Virgina Area, I will gladly give them a call and pursue this option.

I can't imagine us apart after working so hard for 12 years and finding so much happiness and joy in every other aspect of our marriage.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

I can understand the holistic aspect of what your wife wants, and yes it is available. You may have do some internet searches to find a Natural Food store. Most of the proprietors are fairly proficient in the vitamins that are available and what they are used for. Just ask!! They will be sure to help you.

blairtracy profile image

blairtracy 5 years ago from Canada

Great hub. I am sure it will/has been of use to many people.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks! I hope it has been of some help that is for sure!!

ajayshah2005 profile image

ajayshah2005 5 years ago from Mid Asia

Great hub!good tips for men for longer relationship.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 5 years ago from Michigan Author


kevin 4 years ago

what a load of crap this is Ive done everything for her & still nothing,laundry,making dinner ,kids a bath,kids to bed ,bubble baths,notes around the house &car,tryed everything &this just sounds like a man bash blog !!!

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

I'm terribly sorry you feel that way, but no, it is not a man bash blog. It was an honest answer to a question that I was asked. There are many variables in the mind of a woman and I just touched on a few in this. I do not have all of the answers, but as a couple the two of you do. Communication is the key in any relationship, if you don't have that, you will have confusion and bitterness.

Best of luck to you both!!

Les 4 years ago

You have, obviously never been in the situation. She just does not want sex. Dol I look somewhere else and keep the marriage going. It's been 10 years now.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

I think that would be a question better posed to your wife. Give her a choice in the decision. Maybe she can enlighten you as to why she does not want to have sex with you.

Best wishes!

doesn't matter 4 years ago

this is such a sexist article. how do You expect me to want to read the rest after the first couple paragraphs?

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Sexist? Explain where it is sexist? The title "Why isn't my wife sexually active" says what it is about. If you want to read about men - look to the article "Why isn't my man sexually active"... This way there are two sides to the coin.

trusouldj profile image

trusouldj 4 years ago from Indiana

Hmmm ....

TyeshaMatthews profile image

TyeshaMatthews 4 years ago from MOSS POINT, MS

I have a decline in sexual activity because my husband isn't too into new things. I believe that every time man and wife have sex, it should be like opening up presents on Christmas. You never want to receive the same gift twice. He and I have talked about it but he takes it as if I am saying the sex is bad, Its just I know everything he is about to do. I get tired of Trying to be teach him what I need. Help me.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

Sometimes men have a deep pride when it comes to sex. If you say anything other than ohhh and ahhh they think they are being criticized. Have you tried showing him what you want? Silk handkerchiefs come in pretty handy in the bedroom when paired with bedposts. If he is willing, tie him up and do to him what you wish. Be the aggressor, sometimes in the male world the men are so worn out from being the aggressor all day (in their field of work), at the end of the day they want their partner to do that for them.

Best of Luck!!

dagny roth profile image

dagny roth 4 years ago from Neverland

Nice Hub! I agree on so many points. I think also couples forget to "flirt" and "tease" one another. Sex becomes a schedule that gets checked off right alongside groceries and taking out the trash. I think if couples introduce more spontaneity and provide each other with flirtations like they did when they first met, the sex ususally gets better. Women like the game and enjoy being chased and/or chasing. If marriage becomes fun and full of playfulness, sex should be too!

TyeshaMatthews profile image

TyeshaMatthews 4 years ago from MOSS POINT, MS

I am 23 and he is 25. He has been sexually active since he was 14, I was 18. He tells me stories about past sexual experiences and it seems he was having fun then. Some nights I just roll over and cry myself to sleep because he treats sex like a job and not a pleasure. I have cousins that are exotic dancers and they have taught me things. He never pays it attention. We need something to pop like popcorn soon. We even visited the sex shop last weekend and I told him what I wanted. He took it wrong again.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

@ dagny roth - I had to agree with you! Marriage and sex should be fun. Those therapists have something there when they suggest 'date night' for married couples. I think a good successful marriage not only includes communication but a willingness to change to suit each other and also being able to retain one's own self. After all they fell in love with the original 'you'. If you were fun and playful in the beginning and no longer are, then of course there will be problems. If you've lost it, find a way to get it back.

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 4 years ago from Michigan Author

@ TyeshaMatthews - I am so sorry to hear of your woes. Here is a question for you. When he tells you of his sexual exploits does he get aroused and possibly begin to masturbate? If that is the case then he may want or need verbal stimulation. It doesn't necessarily have to be the truth, just a 'sexy story'. Give that a try, maybe just give him a story to see if he gets aroused. Or he may get pleasure from telling you a story. If he does get aroused ask him to tell you a story then take full advantage of his arousal with the new tricks you have learned!!

Best of Luck to you!!

Tiredwoman 2 years ago

What my husband doesn't understand is that women past the age of 45 go through menopause and don't feel sexually active. Sometimes we just want a kiss and cuddle in bed but unfortunately my husband thinks I want something else. If I don't give him what he wants he gets angry and says that I'm sleeping around or I had enough sex before our marriage that I'm tired now. (we've been married for 19 years now by the way).

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