Why isn't my wife sexually active?
What to do?
You’ve discovered after many years of having good to great sex suddenly your wife is turning away from you and you want to know why. Only you and your wife can truly know the answer to that question, but in order to answer this, I will give you some questions to help you discover why the ‘magic’ or ‘spark’ has faded.
With women studies have shown that sex is 90% mental and 10% physical. This means we have to actually like the person we want to have sex with. And the physical side comes in very low compared to everything else. So quit worrying that you don’t have that 8 pack abs you always wanted. It didn’t bother her before, its not going to bother her now. Keep in mind this is about her, not you.
That maturity level of men and women differ greatly. Most women (not all of course) mature fully and continue to do so throughout her life. Most men (not all of course) do not mature beyond the age of 12. Think of your 12 year old self and ask yourself, what are MY differences? Do I still want toys, only bigger and more expensive ones? Am I my only concern? Yes, I have been responsible and have raised or am still raising children and holding down a job, but am I still a bit selfish? Can you see the similarities between your 12 year old self and current?
This Hub was designed from a poll of women, not just one, of the various things that are on our minds when it comes to sex. This is what we think, these are our thoughts. If it helps for a man to understand what I am doing here, think of it as I am allowing you behind 'enemy lines' to see our defenses. This is not something such as 'Man Bashing', we really want you to undertand how we think and feel.
Secrets - From the mind of a woman
The biggest thing that you should start with is asking yourself, is she angry? Did you do something real or imagined that could be making her upset with you? I’m not suggest it’s something as simple as forgetting to take out the trash, unless of course for the last 20 years she has had to remind you daily to do so. I am talking something bigger. Have you cheated on her? If you think she does not know about that infidelity, are you sure? Has she suspected you’ve cheated on her? The unknown can wreak havoc on the mind of a woman.
Granted there are some women out there who like ‘angry sex’ but the majority of women who have been in a relationship for years find that wearisome. We get tired of you doing something that makes us mad, then having sex to ‘get over it’.
Have your ideas about sex changed? Are there things you want to do that might repulse her? Do you have a secret stash of nudie magazines or movies that you think you have hidden well? If this is the case, then she may feel you are keeping something from her.
Or possibly, have your ideas about sex NOT changed? Are you doing the same mundane things that you have always done? Is it always the same position? Do you always initiate it the same way? Are you adventurous in bed? Has the adventure gotten lost over the years?
Do you have sex on your mind all the time? The consensus is that the thought of sex passes across a man’s mind every 7 to 14 seconds. If this is the case, are you making sexual innuendos? Do you make comments about sex all the time? Do you stroke the front of your pants and ask, “You want a little of this?” Are you groping inappropriately? Do you grab her boobs or butt in public? When in the beginnings of a relationship this may have seemed fun, but after a while this does get old.
Can you cuddle without ‘humping’ her leg? Are you capable of just laying there for hours on end without the end result being sex? And if you can, are you disappointed because there was no sex? Does she know this?
Do you have children? Is the burden of raising them left on her shoulders? Do you disagree on discipline or punishment? Are your views of housekeeping the same? Do you complain the house is a mess then sit in front of the TV? Complain that there is no clean clothes, yet fail to wash and dry a load of laundry? Does she have a job outside the home? The day to day things that happen in the life of a woman can put a serious drag on her sexual side.
Has she changed physically? Is her butt bigger? Her boobs hang lower? Does she have wrinkles? How about those stretch marks? When you were younger, did this bother you? Did you comment negatively on someone else? Do you continue to do so? Have you changed in your views? If yes, does she know this? Do you complain about her physical attributes? No woman wants to be told her butt is too big, then be told to bend over so you can have your way with her. She has to feel good about herself if you want her to share herself with you.
Is it possible she is having an affair? If so, she has possibly fallen in love with her lover. You will have to do some serious back peddling to get her to fall in love with you again, if that is your wish, or if it is even possible at all.
What YOU can do
If you are no longer having sex or having limited sex with your partner, it doesn’t mean this is the end. It could be the beginning of a wonderful relationship. Sit down and talk to her. Take it completely away from the bedroom while doing this. Go to a park, drive, get away from the house if at all possible. And more than anything LISTEN to her. Listen to what she is not saying as well, her body language will speak volumes. Do not assume that this talk will result in having sex.
Remember she has probably spent years listening to you and giving you what you want, now it’s time for you to reciprocate. If she tells you she wants romance, find a way to give it to her. If she tells you she wants you to kiss her like you mean it, do so. If she tells you she wants more playfulness in bed, that is easy to do. Women are like the ever changing tide, what pleased us years ago, is probably not going to please us now.
Think back to the days when you first fell in love, getting back to that point is not going to be easy, but think of the fun you can have while doing so!
Please keep in mind that I am not a professional counselor, these are my thoughts and ideas that I have garnered from speaking with others regarding this subject. Reading an article is no substitute for seeking professional help.
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