How to say NO to SEX
Saying no when you are already in an intimate relationship
There's something about sex that makes it a very sensitive issue. Let's face it, for some reason or other, there are times, very occasional, when we are not in the mood for some death defying act of intimacy. It doesn't matter how handsome or beautiful our partner, or how turned on they might be - there are just those moments when we do not feel the same way. Albeit from a long hard day at work, or because we have other things on our mind, the fact remains, sometimes we are just not up for it. How to say no at those times is actually more difficult than it seems, because sex is just so personal and people tend to take rejection so personally. I can remember once, when my husband was very keen and saying no was probably not an option at that time, I started to sing "Not in the mood, da da da dada, not in the mood, da da da dada!" Luckily, he saw the funny side and started to laugh, his pointed keeness disappeared, and all ended well. That time.
However, it might not always end well. There's something about getting an erection that seems to get a man's testosterone pumping, and they are not always ameniable to "no" at such a time. Some get angry, some get the sulks, so most women give in and give them what they want, even if they are so not in the mood that they are drier than the Sahara Desert in the middle of a heat wave in summer down in their nether regions. The man doesn't worry, he just wants to get his rocks off. Don't let him tell you it's all about love. Because it's not. Sex is an animal thing, it's nothing to do with love. Love is bringing you breakfast in bed and supporting you when you're stressed. Sex is all about getting your end away. It's just a game of 'hide the salami' and you can say "no." But you need to try and say "no" in a way that'll make him smile. (By the way, I'm not really intending to be sexually discriminatory here. It's just that a man doesn't have to verbally say "no." All he has to do is keep his little dried floral arrangement hanging as one flaccid soft on, and the woman will soon get the message that he's not in the mood. Yeah, who said life was fair.)
So, instead of the overused, "Not tonight dear, I have a headache," try one of the following:
- Fart loudly as they cuddle up to you.
- Jump out of bed, race to the bathroom and pretend to get sick.
- Start gagging when they try and kiss you.
- Pretend to go down to give a blow job, and then start coughing and spluttering all over their privates.
- Ask if they have some sandpaper as you have a vaginal itch that simple scratching cannot alleviate.
- Pretend that they have such bad body odour that you're almost passing out from the smell.
- Start snoring loudly the minute your head hits the pillow.
- Pick up a magazine and start flipping through the pages and feign disinterest in any attempt they might try to get intimate.
- Accidentally pour a glass of cold water on their rod of iron.
- Pour some water on the bed and say, "Oops, I just wet the bed."
- Fake an orgasm before they even get started.
- Ask, "Is it in yet?"
- Start nagging about something they haven't done that they were supposed to have done.
- Stare up at the ceiling and whistle tunelessly.
- If all else fails, lie back and think of England.
Saying NO when you're on a date
Of course, this all depends on whether you'd like to see the person again or not, as to how you should deter amorous advances of the intimate kind. If you really do like the person, but it's more that you're not ready for sex or want to hold out until you get married, or prefer to know the person longer than five minutes before you get down and dirty, then sometimes honesty is the best policy. Explain your reasons for not wanting to play 'hide the salami' on the first date. You usually have a 50% chance of seeing the guy again. Unfortunately, there are so many others who put out, and if all the guy is looking for is a good time, they'll keep looking until they get it. Maybe you don't want to hurt their feelings and say "no", or maybe you said "no" and they thought you were just being funny and really meant "yes." What can you do to avoid committing the dastardly deed? What can you do to avoid sex?
So instead of the overused, "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me," you can try the following:
- When they drop their boxers, point and laugh hysterically.
- When they reveal their little member, ask, "Is that all there is?"
- Say, "Omigod, I have throw-up in my mouth!"
- "I'm just waiting for the results of my AIDS check. Can't believe my ex just found out he has AIDS."
- "Do you also have Herpes?"
- "I always wanted to have a baby!"
- "I'm mentally a fifteen year old so if you have sex with me it'll be a felony."
- "I'm not drunk enough to find you a turn on."
- "Sorry, not that desperate."
- "I've always preferred older experienced men, like your father."
- "Is that your cologne I'm allergic to, or is it just you that's making me sneeze?"
- "You'll never earn enough money to pay for what I've got here."
- "Is Herpes catchy?"
- "Will sex cure a chronic vaginal itch?"
- "Sorry, no time for fun tonight, I have to bleach my pubic hair."
- "Can my mother watch to see if I'm doing it right?"
- "My Dad is so protective. He smashed up my ex-boyfriend's car."
- Give him a giant condom and laugh hysterically when it's too big for his little member.
- And if all else fails, "I am having such a heavy period this month, sex with me will be like a bloodbath in the worst horror movie ever."
Read about Fenella's hilarious adventures
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