How to survive a nagging woman

It’s true that a nagging wife is worse than a dripping tap, and that it’s far better to live on the corner of a house than under the same roof as a nagging woman, but how exactly do you survive the day to day onslaught of nagging that can come from the fairer sex?

I offer here two possible solutions.

1) The grunt technique

This involves the not too hard to understand game of ‘who will give in first’?Many naggers simply want to get something off their chest.Hairy chests can be dealt with by surgery, or else certain creams available from Dr Empsops chemical emporium, but the squabbling doobries that inhabit the chest of a nagging wife is not so easily treated.It must, in short, be either exercised or exorcised.Since exorcism is often not a culturally acceptable thing involving toads and the possibility of dancing naked in moonlit groves, exercising is the kinder.

Simply an exercised nag is a tired out nag.But like all exercising the equipment must be up to the task and be able to withstand repeated use without wearing out or snapping.Enter the grunt technique.

Whilst a qualified weight lifter should grunt for a single lift, the grunt of a nagging specialist should be varied.Start with ‘huh-huh’ and follow with ‘hmmm.’You’ll get the idea.Soon the nag will be worn out and you will once more have your happy wife.Be aware however of the ‘are you actually listening to me, or are you just grunting’?If you are unable to capture a small amount of the conversation to feed back, then you are likely to be sleeping on the couch.

Thankfully the solution is simple.Listen for the first 30 seconds so that you know the bare essentials, the basics of the nag.Little more interesting will be said for the next few minutes, but it’s advisable to listen out for certain cue words which relate to the original complaint.Usually these cue words are summaries of the preceding section of argument, and those sections are, on the whole, simply narrative to illustrate the point.Line these cue statements up in your mind and then when challenged you will be able to demonstrate your attentiveness simply by recollection of the summary points.

2) Cheese

Now this is a surprisingly rarely used tactic.Many men have used the ‘not listening’ approach and have feigned the onset of deafness, often citing the excessive listening to rock music in their younger years.Spouses etc. are fully aware of this and realise that it is but a ruse. In fact I have heard of those men who have been caught out.They stay up late at night watching war films, or si-fi with loud explosions with the volume turned down low.Asked if they can hear it perfectly well they explain that they can and they are being thoughtful by not having it up too much.Obviously their hearing is ok.

Equally others have fallen for the trap of when the good lady suggests, very quietly and from the other end of the room, an ‘early night’.Men will leap to their feet, yawn, stretch and heartily agree.Nothing wrong with their hearing there, then.

I am sorry, but women have far too much in their arsenal for we feeble minded men to be able to counter such an attack.So we must take the long term view until true age related deafness occurs.Cheese.

Cheese inserted daily into the ears – I suggest fresh cheese since older cheese tends to dry and is both less effective, and attract strange looks from passing rats and mice – acts as a most remarkable plug, blocking out most noises.Also it is almost invisible.Of course, for a true effect growing your hair out long first is advisable since it needs to cover the ears in case they are inspected for such as ear-hair or small spiders.

Oh, and stay away from dogs who like to lick ears as you will soon be found out.Talking of which, should the cheese fall out, claim it is a miracle and you should have gotten your ears syringed long before.

(this extract was taken from ‘Dr Finnigen’s Fair Dinkem Tips for Surviving Modern Life’ published in 1928, London: which might explain why some of this sounds a little odd to the modern ear. I am not too sure however why it is that the Doctor knows about television and science fiction, which leads me to conclude that the source may be bogus. Please be aware that no responsibility will be held for damages or broken relationships as a result of following any of these obviously foolish suggestions.)

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