I Have No Friends

No friends

"I have no friends." That's the lament I've heard over the years, from various associates. When I was a young girl, I had friends, who said I was their only friend, or some who would say they had no friends. Through the years, I've experienced the same thing over and over again. For some, friendship is a precious, elusive commodity, that no matter how hard they try, they can never acquire it, and if acquired, it's not sustainable. You see, friendship is not automatic, it must be cultivated and nurtured. So when that statement is made, it could mean, time and effort hasn't been extended sufficiently enough to accomplish their goal.

Have you ever said, "I have no friends," or felt that way? If so, have you ever analyzed why that could be the case? Does it seem, no matter how hard you try you cannot maintain a quality relationship with anyone for any length of time? Have you said "I've tried, but, I can't make friends, no matter what I do?" Have you ever given thought, maybe it could begin and end with you?

Making friends

Let's examine why it might be that we don't have friends. When some say they don't have friends, they may not mean it in the truest sense of the word, they have associates, but no one they can share their inner most feelings with. No one they can call on in a moment of need, either emotionally or otherwise. So, if you mean, no real friends, that can be remedied. It's been said, to have a friend, you must be a friend. My take on that is, you will first have to act like a friend, meaning do the things for others that you want done for you. For instance, if you want a shoulder to cry on, you must provide one, if you want a listening ear, you must have one, if you need a helping hand, extend one. In other words, apply the Golden Rule, do to others as you want them to do to you.


Some Suggestions

A few suggestions. Laugh when someone laughs, practically speaking, if your desired friend has no sense of humor whatsoever, but they think they do, what's the harm in laughing when they tell, what they think is a funny story. Try to find humor in the things they find humor in, cultivate a liking for the things they find funny. It's not hard, just put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you told your funniest joke or story, that always made you crack up, and no one laughed. See, that wasn't hard, was it. What if your "friend" came to you needing a shoulder to cry on, and you only cry when you're sad. Well, pretend that it is you this time, pretend, what your "friend" is saying is actually happening to you. Are you feeling it now? If so go on shed a few tears. Now, your friend comes to you in dire need, but you've made it a practice to never loan money to anyone, for any reason. Well, don't loan them anything, just give it to them, (providing of course you can afford it). Remember, this is a person you feel is worthy of your calling them a friend, they've proven themselves, and, they are deserving of any one's friendship. Ta, dah, you've got a friend, and you know why, because you've acted like a friend.

Maintaining friendship

Now that you've acquired that new friend, how do you sustain the friendship? Remember what you did to acquire the friend, then pile it on, go overboard. I was told by a wise older woman when I was young, "Fake it til you make it," meaning act like you like the things they like, feel the way they feel. In time it will be real, think about it as practice. Let's say you're proficient in a particular area, were you born that way, or did you acquire the skill through diligent study and, or, practice? See, you can apply that to your efforts in maintaining the precious new friendship you've acquired. One real important element in keeping this friendship is never, never, betray a confidence. You see, once the trust is broken, there is no going back. Think about it, maybe you've had someone come to you and say, "they told me not to tell anyone, but I'm only telling you, and when you tell somebody else, tell them not to tell anybody else." I'm adding a little levity here, but you can see where I'm going with this, be a confidant, if you want one.

Another all important element is, don't wear your feelings on your sleeves, or be too thin skinned. Some of us have a tendency to speak before we think, not meaning any harm, so don't take everything they say to heart, try to understand why, what was said, was said. In some cases, just let it go, and if you can't do that, sit down and have a heart to heart, get it all out in the open. You'll probably find that they didn't mean it the way it came out, or maybe they had their facts wrong, in other words, give them a break, after all you would want one too.

The importance of listening can't be over emphasized, listening with, not just your ears, but with your heart, not planning on your next statement. Don't wait with bated breath for your turn to tell your story, it's all about them at this point. Don't have one better, no matter how anxious you are to tell a similar story, one that can top theirs, one day you'll have a chance to tell your story, then you'll want them to give you their undivided attention. Listen carefully, it might be all they want, not advice. So, don't give advice if it's not solicited. You see, your friend just might need a listening ear at this time, and think, they picked you to. Wow! You got a friend, now be one.

One more thing, don't smother them, don't hold on to them for dear life, you've got them now. Don't be the voice at the other end of every phone call they get. Don't always show up unannounced. Don't expect to be invited to every event in their life, or go everywhere with them. You see, they may have other friends, that they would like to associate with, without you. So Just keep in mind, no one wants a shadow that's not their own.

Conclusion

So now you've acquired your new friend, and you've got the technique down, you can replicate it. Pretty soon you can be the friend to the friendless. So, the statement "I have not friends," won't apply to you.

© 2009 Alfreta Sailor

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Comments 35 comments

\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

Some brilliant advice there, I have never really found it hard to make friends, but where I live now it is much harder work, I think my life is easier now, and when taking on new friends it sometimes gets more complicated. Like you said it is something that does take effort and it really does have to be worth that effort......


ladydijay 7 years ago

Very good reasoning, it's something we all need to work on.


Tamarii2 profile image

Tamarii2 7 years ago from NEW YORK

You are a great writer....Keep up the good work.Enjoying the journey .Peace.Put your comment section last.


\Brenda Scully 7 years ago

back here again, because you are a true friend xxxxxxx


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 7 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks Brenda for your comments, I am also enjoying reading your hubs. Keep 'em comin!


Its Angel profile image

Its Angel 7 years ago from Charleston, SC

Good Hub, You are a good writer!


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 7 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks Angel for the compliment!


SistasExpress profile image

SistasExpress 7 years ago from Chicago

Nice hub...I agree! I love people..so I have many friends. My sibling says people over fifty don't make friends anymore. I argue with her all the time because I make new friends everyday..see here I am talking to you. Wonderful writing..wish that were me...practice..practice...lol


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 7 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks SistasExpress for the comment and compliment, and I agree, no matter what age, we can always make new friends. Thanks for being my friend.


embee77 profile image

embee77 6 years ago

Wow, FF - you've hit another nerve. This is an Old hub for you, but I'm glad it's here for new readers like me. Making true, real, trusted friends of the people around me day to day is a new experience, even at the age of 56. It is unbelievably rewarding. What's different? Well, first, it's about having more time to explore things I like, which leads to positive experiences, which increases confidence, etc. etc. Lots of self-help reading and help from the right therapist are also big factors for me. I'm writing about it in my own new blog. It's surely a challenge to learn friend-making at any age. Your thoughts and advice are great. Thanks.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks embee77, this happens to be one of my favorite hubs. So I thank you for visiting and taking the time to leave a comment. I'll be seeing you soon.


sahil 6 years ago

bahut khub......i like that.....


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks sahil for stopping and reading.


Gabriolus 6 years ago

I can say from Experience I was one of those people who don't have friends and I am extremely suspicious of others and I do not trust 97 percent of people I know or meet, and I don't feel the need to do so. all my life I been used to do bad things by cult members, my own family members and others who I use to hang out with, so I do not feel the need to have a lot of friends nor do I want them, But I do have 2 best friend who I love so much Melissa and my Dog Onyx and that is all I need my point is that it is ok not to have a lot of friends and not to feel bad about it cuz most of the time they bring you trouble as long as you have one real friend to share your most intimate things with that is all you need. nice hub.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California Author

I do agree Gabriolus, one real friend is all we need to share our most intimate things with. Thank you for stopping and reading, and especially taking the time to leave a thoughtful comment. Please stop again soon.


europe24me profile image

europe24me 6 years ago from Pomona

Great topic and so true


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you europe24me, for stopping and reading. Please stop again.


JY3502 profile image

JY3502 6 years ago from Florence, South Carolina

Lady, my hat is off to you. You have a unique style of writing that keeps your readers stuck to the page. I love it!


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 6 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you JY3502, you're too nice. I hope to see you again soon, either here or on your pages.


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 5 years ago from India

Great tips fastfreta - I totally agree - to have a friend, you must first be a friend and I love the way you've spelled out how to be one!


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 5 years ago from Southern California Author

Shalini I appreciate your encouragement.


charles 5 years ago

thank you so much. i can't thank you enough for taking the time to post this. it has helped me very much in a hard time. I wish that some day you can know the joy I do because someone helped you the way you've helped me.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 5 years ago from Southern California Author

What a wonderful thing to say Charles. I'm so glad that I was able to help you, please pass it on. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me that.


Lucy123 5 years ago

Your article is very useful, thank you for it! I've just read it with a big interest, and problem you described in this article is my problem too...:(


isabella 5 years ago

i am 30 and i have never had any friends


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 5 years ago from Southern California Author

So sorry lucy123, I just saw your comment. I hope you will at least try some of the suggestions here. To be sure a true friend is a precious thing, so making one takes time and care. Keeping one though takes even more care. So please try to apply some of the suggestions. Thank you so much for reading and taking time to leave this heartfelt comment.

Oh, how sorry I am to here that isabella. As I stated to Lucy, putting into practice some of the suggestions listed could possibly remedy your situation. However, if you are shy, this might be a bit of a problem, even then it's not impossible to find a true friend, it just takes a little more effort. I hope after trying some of the suggestions listed, you'll not be able to say, "you have no friends." Thank you for stopping.


bodylevive profile image

bodylevive 4 years ago from Loachapoka, Alabama

I enjoyed your hub. I don't know what it means not to have a friend, I mean true friend. I don't think I'll ever have the pleasure either. When I was in high school I was a little with drawn and kept mostly to myself but I still had friends. voted up -useful


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thank you very much, bodylevive, you were very fortunate, not all can say that. Perhaps through your experience you can reach out and help someone that's not as fortunate as you. Again, thanks for stopping, please come back.


James A Watkins profile image

James A Watkins 4 years ago from Chicago

Thank you for this fine and needful Hub. You give sound advice as to friendship. Well done!

James :-)


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks James, as I've said concerning you before, you're very kind and encouraging. See you soon.


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 4 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Good advice. It's good to have a few close friends, but even those, I've found, can flake out and drift away no matter what you do. Sometimes it's hard to know. I keep very few friends close, but the ones I do I try to also be a good friend to them. Nice hub.


moonlake profile image

moonlake 4 years ago from America

I think it's hard to keep friends. We use to have a houseful of friends and relatives stopping by but as the years went on we lost many of them from divorce. When they divorce who do you stay friends with or they move far away. I like the friend that drops over for coffee. I don't have that now. I can make friends easily but it seems I don’t go to enough places to make them. I don’t want to join groups, or sit in a bar and I don’t have neighbors. So I just have a few friends I talk to and have lunch, a couple I take quilting trips with but that’s about it for me.

I once had a friend that would call crying because she couldn't handle what was going on in her life and was having a nervous break down. I would go over and give a hand with the kids or whatever needed to be done. I later heard she told people I was there to much. Made me feel bad I thought I was being a good friend, she left out the fact that she was calling for help. Because of that I don't put myself out to much because I don't want friends to think I'm being clinky.

Good ideas in your hub for being friends.


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 4 years ago from Southern California Author

Thanks Victoria Lynn and moonlake.

Victoria Lynn, you're so right, it is hard to tell, but, we should never give up.

What a story moonlake, I'm so sorry you had to suffer those indignities. It's a shame that we don't appreciate our true friends when we have them.

Thank you both for reading and taking time to leave those though provoking comments. Please come back,.


franciaonline profile image

franciaonline 2 years ago from Philippines

Hi fastfreta,

I've not been writing for quite a while for a lot of reasons but I'm back.

I like reading this hub of yours about having friends. I agree with everything that you said. We will have friends if we follow the Golden Rule. As you said, be a friend first before you expect to be treated as a friend.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!


fastfreta profile image

fastfreta 2 years ago from Southern California Author

Hi franciaonline, thanks for stopping. I, like you, have not been writing lately, however I do get back here once in awhile. Again thanks, I hope 2014 will be a pleasant change for us all.

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