I Hate My Boobs - OR - A Strange New Hat

I’ve always had big boobies. I was the first girl in my grade to get them – at the tender age of 10 or 11. The pre-pubescent boys were fascinated with my chest swellings, as were the other girls, for entirely different reasons, of course. I, on the other hand, was not amused. I hated them! I didn’t want them! And I dang sure didn’t want to wear a bra. It was all just “too girly” for a tomboy like me. How was I going to be a cowboy with those things sticking out?

By the time I hit my mid-teens, I was much more appreciative of my “blessings.” I had outgrown my tomboy stage by that time, and I had a keen interest in the opposite sex. I found that my bustline was a definite asset in my quest to attract the attention of potential suitors. So for this short span of just a few years, my boobs and I had an amicable relationship.

I got married the first time when I was just eighteen. At nineteen, I had my first baby. The “twins,” my acquired nickname for the breasts, went crazy. They grew. And grew. By the time the third baby was born, they were huge – 46 GGs. Nope, that’s not a typo. Gs – as in a b c d e f G. I no longer liked “the girls.” They were heavy and cumbersome. They got in the way. I resented having to carry them with me everywhere I went. I have permanent grooves on top of my shoulders from “toting” them around.

When I come in the house from being out somewhere, the first thing I do is report to my bedroom and remove that instrument of torture – the “boulder holder.” If hubby sees me doing it, he’ll joke and say, “Release the twins! Stand back, everybody!”

A few years ago, I began experiencing pain and strange sensations in my left arm, left shoulder, and the left side of my neck. My primary care physician said I had nerve damage either from weightlifting or from carrying around the twins for all these years. I went to a specialist who said it was most likely a direct result of supporting the heavy breasts, and she suggested a breast reduction. Sounded good to me, so I checked into the procedure.

A lady who had recently had a breast reduction gave a talk at work one day, so of course, I attended. Everything was going great until I heard these words:

“Then they cut off the nipples and re-position them. They’re sewn back on in their new places. There is some discomfort involved.”

Discomfort?? Dang, I think I’d rather slide down a razor blade into a bucket of alcohol! That’s a VERY sensitive body part. I couldn’t find the door quick enough. So much for the boob job. Guess I’d just have to learn to love them.

The twins have provided some unique adventures. Once I was shopping for bras with a very close male friend. The sales lady approached me and asked if she could help me:

“Yes, ma’am, I need some new bras.”

She led me to a collection of frilly little lacy numbers with narrow straps.

“No, I’m looking for some real bras,” I told her.

“Honey, these are real bras. They’re available in cup sizes up to double D,” she explained. Her eyes went immediately to my chest, and since I wear minimizer bras to hide their immensity, I guess she was confused.

“No, I mean REAL bras – the ones made by blacksmiths! I'm talking industrial strength here!” My guy friend laughed so hard he got choked on his chewing gum. I had to do the Heimlich maneuver right there in the middle of the store.

Another time, the Elks’ Lodge my husband and I are members of was conducting a meeting about hiring a summer lifeguard for the pool. We weren’t in attendance, but we heard about the discussion. My friend, Jill, was there and told me about it later. A male friend raised his hand.

“We really don’t need a lifeguard. Holle Abee is at the pool every day, and she has built-in flotation devices,” he offered.

Jill said no one laughed or even snickered. Another hand went up.

“Yeah, with those twins of hers, she could save three or four kids, easy. I vote we don’t hire a lifeguard.”

This happened before I got my own pool in my own back yard. After that, the lodge did have to hire a lifeguard!

Another time, some friends, the Joneses, called and invited us over. I told Betty, the wife, that I really didn’t feel like putting on a bra because my shoulder was hurting. She assured me nobody would be there but the four of us, so I could come bra-less. We went, but I carried along my bra in case unexpected visitors showed up. We had a pleasant evening, but by the time we got home, I realized I had left my bra behind. I started giggling.

“What’s funny?” Johnny, my husband, asked.

“It’s silly. I guess I’m just paranoid,” I answered.

“About what?”

“I was just worried about Betty and Mark examining my bra or playing with it or something. I know, it’s crazy.”

Why would they bother your bra? I’m sure they have lots better things to do. They probably won’t even notice your bra!” Johnny assuaged my fears.

The next day, Mark came over to our house, with my bra in a plastic grocery bag.

“You left this at the house last night. You won’t believe what happened. As soon as y’all left, Betty found the bra and put in on her head like a cap. We decided it would be great for this winter! One hat for me and one for Betty!” Mark exclaimed.

Aha! I had been right, after all.

I worry about how the twins will end up. They don’t defy gravity, and they seem to get a little lower every year. They’ll probably eventually be like my friend’s grandmother’s boobies. I’ll explain.

Lou’s granny was bedridden and was semi-comatose. She had to wear adult diapers. The family was taking turns watching Granny, and finally, it was Lou’s first time sitting with her grandmother. She recounted the experience later:

“Granny soiled herself when I was there, so I had to clean her up and change her diaper. The diapers had to be taped on her because she’s lost so much weight. When I was done, I was so proud of myself for doing such a great job all by myself. I stood back to admire my handiwork and realized Granny’s boobs were in her diaper!”

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Comments 33 comments

Helengi profile image

Helengi 7 years ago from London, England

You are one of the few people who can make me laugh out loud. Please keep the stories coming. More! More!

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Aww...thanks, Helen!

Vanne Way 7 years ago

I too was visited by the boob fairy. I woke up one morning and there were these two large lumps attached to my chest. In my late 40's seeking relief from carrying around 20 pounds of ooh-la-la I too went to a plastic surgeon. I was still buttoning my shirt as I ran out. They cut your nipples off and set them ASIDE while they reduce. And have you seen the staples and stitches! I was also out voted by my son and husband who said it wouldn't be me with out my "trademark" boobs. Minimizers? They packed me in so tight that my cleavage was strangling me, up in my adams apple area that is!

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Hi! Don't ya just love that boob fairie? Thanks for visiting!

cluense profile image

cluense 7 years ago from Cartersville, GA

Girl, you are just too much. I was rolling on the floor as I was reading your Hub. I was a C by 10, D by 13, E by 18, and a H after my two girls. I do not wear anything other then all in ones (custom made of course) or sports bra on a daily basis. I refuse to minimize what the good lord blessed me with. I know it is ruff and very uncomfortable for my 9 1/2 year old who is a size B cup already. However, like I tell her. The good Lord gave us these girls and we just have to love them because he made us this way, and God does not make junk! He makes beauty only! So love those twins even if they fall to your knees one day (I will be laughing when it happens to me!)! heeee Love You!

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Must be something about Georgia girls, huh? Maybe it's the grits! Thanks so much for reading!

Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 7 years ago from London, UK

Hello, habee, this is a great hub. Like everybody else I laughed. With me it was the opposite, my mother always said, "like two peas on a blank of wood". I did improve in the meantime but also my wasteline. Thanks for the hub.

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Just be glad you don't have "twins"!

maven101 profile image

maven101 7 years ago from Northern Arizona

Gurl humor...I love it...and you write it so well..I have much the same prob with pendulous testicles that can be really embarrassing at times...especially in a swim suit, so I wear the baggiest trunks I can find...the older I get, much like your granny's boobs, the more pronounced they become... now there's a whole new cosmetic surgery line to be explored...Larry

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Oh, LArry, that is FUNNY! Maybe we need to invent a bro - a bra for "the boys"! Dang, and I thought big boobs got in the way! I guess riding a bike is totally out of the question, huh?

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ralwus 7 years ago

OMG, I can't believe what Larry said! I wonder did he ever sit on his like I have mine? ouch! Hey habee, this is so funny, but I know who you must feel. Funny because of how you write, and unlike some, I do not think anything over a mouthful is a waste. Keep up the great writing girl.

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, ralwus. I was hoping you'd stop by and read this! My hubby loves big boobies, but he doesn't have to carry them. lol

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ralwus 7 years ago

I bet he does, I know I do. I would not want them on me either. My er, brass thingy's are enough. hehe

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Ahh...a man after me own wee 'eart. (In my pretend Scottish brogue)

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ralwus 7 years ago

g'nite dear habee Oidhche mhath

Vanne Way 7 years ago

They were my panties! Give them back!

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directsaurabh 7 years ago

Really a good humour here. Thanks for sharing your story.

ethel smith profile image

ethel smith 7 years ago from Kingston-Upon-Hull

This such a great funny read which I can really relate to :)

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks for stopping by and leaving comments, friends!

Jean John profile image

Jean John 7 years ago from Cherthala,Trivandrum,Kerala

a good read...lol

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

Thanks, JJ. Glad you enjoyed it. Thanks for visiting!

Jery profile image

Jery 7 years ago from Kennewick WA USA

That was a read that had me laughing out loud...heck all I gotta do is think about it to start laughing again! I know a woman who had the surgery and tells me it was the best thing she had ever done. Might upset the hubby tho. lol

habee profile image

habee 7 years ago from Georgia Author

I'm so glad I gave you some chucks! Hubby doesn't want me to have the surgery, but he's not the one who has to carry them every day.

jas uae profile image

jas uae 6 years ago from u a e dubai and abu dhabi

good look

Rohit kushwaha profile image

Rohit kushwaha 6 years ago from Lakhimpur Kheri (UP)


habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Jas and Rohit, thanks for reading!

obxscribe profile image

obxscribe 6 years ago

Girl you are just too funny. I'm married to my fantasy girl who's "blessed" with a DD rack. I love 'em! She says she wishes she could screw them off at night and then screw them back on in the morning so she could sleep at night, lol.

habee profile image

habee 6 years ago from Georgia Author

Obx, I like the way your wife thinks! lol

dusy7969 profile image

dusy7969 5 years ago from San Diego, California

This hub is very interesting and funny.I really enjoy from this hub.I have much the same prob with pendulous testicles that can be really embarrassing at times.Thanks a lot habee for this wonderful sharing.

habee profile image

habee 5 years ago from Georgia Author

Dusy, thanks for reading!

sadie 5 years ago

I can relate at 12 i had 10 pound boobies it only got worse with the years right now im 20 with 18 pound boobies but im pretty sure mine will get as big as yours

Great read though no plastic surgery

savvydating profile image

savvydating 3 years ago

I just had to stop and read this hub. Lol! This is hilarious. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to have such huge breasts. Lordy, how inconvenient. I laughed at the story of your friends wanting to use your bra as hats. You're a funny lady, habee. Thanks for getting my day off to a laughing start!

anon1 2 years ago

Wow....interesting article. Being a man with gynecomastia tuberous breasts for many years, I now wish I had larger breasts. Using your humor instead of shame or sadness is amazing. You go girl :)

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