She Wants To Get Married But Her Boyfriend Doesn't!

"veronica,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years, but we were friends for a couple years before that. When I met him, he was married, but after walking in on his wife cheating on him, he moved out. We started dating and now we live together. He has made many comments about our future together. We just bought a boat and put both names on the title. he has no problems or hesitations with us purchasing things together, joint accounts and plans for the future but he still says he doesn't want to get married. He knows I do but I have always said, "someday in the future. I am not in any rush". Which is true but I am not sure he will ever want to. I keep telling myself that it is pain from his marriage that makes him not want to get married and maybe he will come around.

confused"

Your partner has no reason to take your desires seriously.

I say over and over in all my HUBS, honesty and communication are really the keys necessary to having successful relationships. It’s not just your words that need to be honest. Your deeds need to be honest, too. It sounds like you're going out of your way to be careful of his choices, and not make him feel pressured, by saying things like "in the future," and that you're "not in a rush."

So, not only are you holding back verbally in your communication, you’re also playing a role that isn’t honest.

You are reinforcing for him that he can have what he wants. You're showing him with your actions that he can have you without marrying you, and that you'll be committed to him. You’re proving that you will live with him, and be with him, and even share expenses and commitments with him. You are proving to him he can have the life he wants and he doesn’t have to marry you to have any of those things.


The relationship you have now

You two are happy together and have a wonderful relationship. You may be having a very fulfilling life. But there is a world of difference between living together, and in living together as a step toward marriage. It sounds like you’re living together. Period. You haven’t done or said anything that says this is a step for you, and you continue to reinforce that, proving to him that he doesn’t have to listen or change or take your very slight mentions of marriage seriously at all.
There is a chance that he really isn't going to get married again. There's no right or wrong on that. It just is what it is. He may know from his experiences that he’s done with that arrangement. There is also a chance he’s still burned, and will change. But the way things are, you aren’t making him think, or giving him a chance to change or compromise.

Sometimes you want two different things you can’t have. Maybe he doesn’t intend to marry, no matter how clear you are. And maybe you want to get married more than you want to be with him. He has as much right not to want to marry, as you have to want to marry. But before you make any decisions, you really need to live your life more honestly and true to your wants and desires.


Before it comes down to your having to make that decision, I think you should be more clear and honest with him about your feelings. Give him a chance to really see the true you- the one that wants marriage. The one that plans for the future she really desires. The one that communicates clearly. You don’t have to give ultimatums or be a nag, you can be powerful and focused in a healthy way.

For one thing, stop using words like "someday" and give him a time frame. Your “someday” is fine when you’re first getting together, and when you’re young. But when you’re serious and in a mature relationship, your someday is just wishy-washy. Tell him you want to be married in x amount of years or by age x.

Of course there is room for compromise. But in order to compromise, you have to have something to compromise. “Someday” isn’t something.

Giving your goals a framework of reasons will help solidify the image for him. Tell him why you want to be married and why the relationship you have now isn't enough for you. Tell him about the wedding you’d like to have, and the break on your taxes that will come with marriage. List the things that will change once you’re married, like signing his name (if you’re doing that) and feeling that you’ll be committed forever. The practical, the impractical, the romantic, and the whimsical reasons all count and will all help him understand where you’re actually coming from.

Listen to his responses and address his concerns. Talk about this. Make it real. Tell him about the better insurance plan that will be available to you, tell him about the engagement ring you’d really like. Tell him about the honeymoon you’d like. Give him some time to get used to the idea since you haven’t been showing this part of you so far. If he doesn’t want to talk about it, make appointments to talk about it. Say, you can pick this up after the game, or Thursday over dinner. That will give him time to think. Be light and cheery about this. It shouldn’t be a horrible conversation. It should be fun, and happy. You should be smiling when you bring up marriage with the person you want to marry.


Start and Stop

Once he is actually aware of your seriousness and of what you actually want, you will be able to gage things better.

Actions can speak louder than words, and in this case that’s very true. START acting like someone who wants and plans to be married one day. STOP living like anything he wants is fine.

He may be giving you reasons why he doesn’t want to marry, he may be resistant to talk, he may be shut down about the subject. These are major indicators for you as to what your future holds. But there is still the entire step of showing him he can’t have both. He can’t have his unwillingness to marry, AND have you, at the same time. Just like you have to make a decision which you want more – him or marriage – he has a decision to make too.

After you’ve been honest in word, you need to follow through and be honest in deed. If you don’t follow through, you will never get what you want. I promise.

Tell him you respect his decisions and opinions. Tell him you love him and the relationship you’ve shared. But be clear with him that you will not be there after x amount of time. And stop playing house. Stop proving with your actions that he can have you forever without marrying you. Start making clearer financial separations. At this point, he really has no reason to believe what you’re saying. Make him believe. Follow through and be empowered.

When you're buying a boat or a house, you should be saying things that are reflective of what you really want. You should be saying, "Since I want to get married in x amount of years, I'm not going to take on a mortgage with anyone other than my husband." Stop digging yourself in so deep that you can’t get what you want.


What if he says no?

Be true to your word and your self. SHOW him. To be taken seriously, show him. It’s going to take some work to undo all the doing you’ve done. But if he says no, you have no choice. Tell him to take your name off the boat, or tell him you’re taking his off. Begin your plans to move out.

It is vital that you do not do these things in a bitchy way. Why in the world would a man hesitant and resistant to marry you suddenly decide to marry you, if you’re a bitch? If being with you has become a painful experience, I guarantee you he is not going to rethink his stand on marriage. But if being with you is easy and fun and happy, he’s not going to want to lose that.

Sadly, still, even if you do everything right, he still may decide he’d rather be alone than marry again. But at least you’re maintaining your self-respect and dignity on the way to getting what you want, whatever you decide that is.

Good luck to you.


This article was

written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it somewhere else, it has been stolen.

All text is original content by Veronica.

All photos are used with permission.

All videos are courtesy of Youtube.

Got a question? Email me through my profile. Thanks!

More by this Author


35 comments

G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 7 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

Well sweetie I am the one who didn't want to get Married again... and he said it was fine...though he did ask me several times, which all were at bad times...we did all the things you have talked about, but let me tell you this...protect yourself against what could ever happen...I am now in a big mess...33 yrs. we lived together, my soul mate...I put him on the house, a boat, a second mortgage,we even had a will drawn up..he left me for a younger woman, but here where I live half of everything belongs to him...No bars tied....

So just make sure you are not left tangled up in this mess, and believe me you just NEVER KNOW BABY....:O) Hugs G-Ma


Tatjana-Mihaela profile image

Tatjana-Mihaela 7 years ago from Zadar, CROATIA

Great answer as always, Veronica.

In the relationship anything can happen, even your client can change her mind one day, and decide to be with somebody else...

Thumbs up.


Dr Nancy Kenyon profile image

Dr Nancy Kenyon 7 years ago from Orlando, FL

Thanks! I'm glad you're promoting authenticity. Enjoyed the photos.


Macy 7 years ago

I'm abit confused with some of the things you said here because they seem to contradict each other. At one point you said "You don’t have to give ultimatums or be a nag, you can be powerful and focused in a healthy way." and then a few paragraphs later you said "But be clear with him that you will not be there after x amount of time.". So how are you going to say "I want to get married by 2 years and if you don't i am leaving" in a healthy way. To me that sounds like an ultimatum.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author


Veronica profile image

Veronica 7 years ago from NY Author

Macy

I responded to you in your very own HUB-

http://hubpages.com/relationships/The-Difference-B...

Thanks for commenting, and inspiring it.


SweetiePie profile image

SweetiePie 7 years ago from Southern California, USA

I enjoyed this hub and your advice is good. Personally if you have to ask the boyfriend to marry you it is not worth it, but that is just me. When I was younger I tried to talk my boyfriend into getting married, but obiviously that did not work very well.

If he wants to marry you he will be showing it, and you would not have to be hinting or even bringing it up. If you are the type of person that wants to get married and he does not believe in marriage, maybe he is not the guy for you.


C.V.Rajan profile image

C.V.Rajan 6 years ago from Kerala, India

That was a good read. Very mature and balanced.

CVR


Vini 6 years ago

Have been in a relationship for d past 3 years, love my guy a lot but he is not willing to marry :) wich hurts.. Anyways, now i m out of his life. I wish he will realize dat he can't live without me ;') nd wish him to come back.. And He Will!

I know.. :)


 6 years ago

This is a very good hub. Great effort to analyze the problem and giving solution.

I am new in hubpages. I have published a few hubs. Can you comment on the quality of the content of my following hub? It would be nice if I get some suggestion!

http://hubpages.com/relationships/Why-should-someb...


Stephii 6 years ago

My boyfriend of 1 1/2 years says he doesn't want to get engaged which really hurts because he has been engaged before, he says he got engaged before because his head was all over the place and other things where involved!! But I still don't understand why he doesn't want to get engaged to me, I don't want to get married yet, I want a long engagement :) help!!!


Elly 6 years ago

My bf of 1 and a half year said does not want to get married too, and we just talked about this for 20 minutes then he has disappeared for 2 weeks saying that he needs time to think, to know what he feels and thinks.I have read this hub and really want to talk to him to make things clear but I don't know his disappearance is the sign of breaking up or not? really confused now!


amy 6 years ago

Im in a similar situation!!! I ve lived with my bf for 1 year then I left because he didn't want to get married , those guys have a milion excuse for not wanting to marry you but they still want to have sex easy right? So maybe we could say ok we don't need to marry but also don't have sex before marrige lets see what they say.


V.J. 6 years ago

My boyfriend wants me to be his girlfriend forever..what ever forever means.

My boyfriend and I have been together almost 2 years. We have a good relationship. We used to talk about getting married and where we would have it and how he would give me a big wedding because I didn't have one the 1st time.

Now,he says No he doesn't want to be married but if he did he would want a pre-nup. I said, fine ok i would sign it but from the day we got married the things or whatever we aquire together would be ours. I think it's only fair if I am putting money into a house and making it a home. I should be able to call it mine as well.

Now he says, no he doesn't want a pre nup he just doesn't want to be married at all. He wants me to save all of my money from working live with him forever and make sure I have my own retirement. The plan to save money and my retirement is fine but I am so hurt over all of this. It's like a stab to the heart,Like the feeling like someone just died. The things I do and have done and all the future plans,the way we are when we are together, it's just all bull.... I am a very independent woman. I have always been so, even when I was married the first time. I have been divorced 7 years and have dated and been alone and gone through a lot in life. The empty feeling that I get when I think of leaving him because of this is so over whelming. I know to be true to myself that this is what I must do. I'm not going to wait around until he decides my fate. John Lennon said it best Life happens when your busy making other plans and I don't want to waste mine waiting. I know he loves me.I think he loves his money more and for him to think this way about our lives & planning to be living together forever seperatly hurts me Jeeze,I'm the girl that gave my X husband everything. The house,the dog,and my x husband even took my sister after the fact. I don't understand how people can let money and material things run their life. Isn't it supposed to be the other way around? I am a good looking girl. I know it's not the end of my life but it sure does feel like it. So sad.


dragonlady1967 profile image

dragonlady1967 6 years ago

Like this hub.... reminds me of my bf


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks dragonlady1967, sorry you had to relate to it though. :(


google 6 years ago

similar picture to everyone else it seems.... but my boyfriend and I were (are?) HAPPY together. We've been together over 3 years, lived together for 2, have fun together, have only fought once or twice, get along with each other's families, have always talked about how we wanted children someday and big families of our own. We share everything with each other, have a great time when we're together, we love each other without question. And then just in the past few months he has been stressing endlessly about how he feels like he should get married but isn't excited about it. We talked about it occasionally before this, I'm in no rush being ridiculously busy with work and the rest of my life, but always expected we were heading that way that it was at some point in the future. Now he says because he feels so obligated to do it (I promise I don't push!), he feels miserable about our relationship. is he just being a crazy, non-commital man? are we not in love enough? that's the thing that gets me though, because I know our relationship is built on huge amounts of trust, respect, and love. I am so hurt by the whole situation... I feel like he blew it up into something more than it was, and then has now damaged our relationship- either he convinces himself to marry me, which sounds awful, or we're done, and that just makes me very sad. what are guys "suppose" to feel going into an engagement when it doesn't change much (already live together, love each other, share things)? does his lack of excitement mean we're just not strong enough for the long term? is he scared of such a big commitment? sigh... went from so happy to so sad so quickly :(


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

google,

What are your ages?

I just addressed a comment on another hub of mine -

http://hubpages.com/relationships/When_Your_Girl_W...

to Edith. If you have a moment, would you read it and let me know if it applies to you? Right now I think it's the 6th or 7th comment up from the bottom. Edith posted a comment asking about why her BF has changed his mind about things, I answered her and explained why, and we posted to each other again. Then Lindsay posts, and it goes on.


kat 6 years ago

hi,

I just had chat with my boyfriend about marrige. We are togheter 3years and I said on a begining I would want to get married. Every time I ask him he get really horrible,dosent wont to talk to me. I feel pushed out with no good reasons,we are both in late 20s.


blue_domes 6 years ago

Hi Veronica,

I am 28, he is 50 but age does not stop our insane love and beautiful harmony.I have a 3 years old girl which is staying with my parents when i come to be with him. We live in different countries.He wants me and our world but he doesn't give signs that ha wants to create a bond with my girl.He even told me that marriege is not for him. I asked him how he wants for us to live our love since we cannot even live together?And he said to not rush him and just live "now", to be happy now for what we have and to not ruin our happy days together with such thoughts because everything it will be fine.But he doesn't say anything more specific which is f****ing my nerves. I must raise my child.I hate to be far from her weeks,i hate to live in two worlds and i cannot be a forever traveller.Just to be with the man i love.I feel i am trapped.What to expect from him as a mother of a child? He is the perfect man,he spoils me,respects me,adors me,cares for me,he is just perfect.But the future is blurred.I made peace with the fact that he doesn't want to marry. But not even live together?? I mean...we live the two of us now but what about my child? ..even he is a perfect man...is he good for my child?


Compromise 5 years ago

Hi. I met my boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 18. We are now 23 and 26 and have been together for 7 and a half years. He's always been a bit of a typical boy in wanting to wait probably as long as possible before getting married. We have lived together for about four years and have a really great relationship. I can occasionally talk to him about marriage but he prefers to not talk about it. He wants to get married when he's 30, in four years. Problem is I'm ready now and it's all I can think about especially as a few of his female cousins who are my age are getting married this year and the next. I would really like to get married on our ten year anniversary, which is only a year off his preferred time. But I don't even trust that it's really going go happen in four years. Four years is ages to wait when you've been together this long. Why can't he compromise just a little? I also think that he should probably love me so much that he should just want to marry me and declare to the world that I'm his. I've cried in front of him on this topic and he has always reassured me but actions speak louder than words don't they?


mohamed  5 years ago

hi to evry one

when ur bf not marry u he not love u only he want sex with u only coz he don't need one day have kids and mooor mony and and and many thing he not love u and if u ask ur bf and he say no belive me he not love u

when man love women he ask her for marry him to women ask men


CCDL77 5 years ago

hi google 5 weeks ago...

I'm in the same exact boat almost... i feel your pain.


CCDL77 5 years ago

Hello all,

I'm sooo happy i found this website. A lot of your stories sound very close to home. Thanks for sharing.

Here's my story and I hope I can get some honest feedback because I honestly do not know what to do. I'm just a mess emotionally.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years. We live together now and have been for the past 1.5 years. He's 46 now and I'm 33. He's been married and divorced once and has an 11 year old daughter. We all get along well. We always had a wonderful relationship - honest and caring, loving. He is a wonderful provider and is very secure financially and emotionally. We've always talked about getting married and having another child. When I met him he said he wanted one more. Last year, when we went to Italy, he gave me this "promise" ring on my birthday and said that he's saving up for the real thing. Everything was going great - we lived together, had good jobs, travelled together... Well... 6 months after I got my promise ring, i started feeling neglected. He'd come home and just turn on the TV, watch sports, and not talk. He's never been good at communicating as I'm sorry to say most men aren't (sorry guys!) but I thought that i could get over that. I tried telling him that i'm not happy but he just said it was "my" issue and he's fine. We don't need therapy. He said i was the one who was too emotional. (typical) After a few months of this silence and emotional neglect, I started seeking that emotional connection somewhere else. It just so happened I had a friend who was in her 20's and loved going out. So one night, I went out with her and got really drunk. I was supposed to meet my boyfriend at his holiday party but instead i stood him up. Didn't do it to hurt him. I guess deep inside i didn't really want to go. My friend was begging me to stay. So i did. I was supposed to meet a partner at his firm...I never showed up :( I came home at 6 in the morning. He was very mad at me and didn't talk to me for 3 days. (he usually runs away from problems - if he doesn't talk about them they don't exist which i hate because i'm a communicator)... So after 3 days and the persistence of his daughter who really loves me, he forgave me. I told him how i felt and what was wrong. He promised he'd stay open to me. Well, that lasted only a few weeks cause then a month later, i did it again. Only this time, I lied to him and told him i was working late when in truth, i went out with this girl again... It was fun - being at the club with people, i liked the attention... got drunk again. Got home at 5am again. He couldn't forgive me this time. This time he thought ok, this girl is cheating on me. So we broke up. I left my stuff at our apartment, but I moved back with my mom. For 3 months, we were on and off...I was a mess - i begged. Finally, as i was ready to move on, he took me back. Said he couldn't picture his life without me. But the damage has been done.

So here's my dilemma. Because of those nights and the betrayal even though i'm telling you - i'd never cheat...it was just pure stupidity...i was rebelling! because of that, he now has changed his mind about marriage and kids. He doesn't want them. It's not even a matter of trust he says, because it's been 8 months since then and he says he loves me and trusts me...but just that he was sooo hurt that he decided he doesn't want marriage and kids. Period. I AM JUST DEVASTATED. He's my best friend and love of my life... and it took me losing him to realize i can't live without him. I know i messed up BIG TIME...but I also know that people make mistakes... I made a huge mistake. I don't know what to do... Do i stay and HOPE he changes his mind? Do i leave and just move on? Thing is, how can anyone make me choose between the man i love and the baby i want to have someday? I told him i'm not in a rush, i told him i love him very much...i've stopped talking to that girl, i don't drink or go out, i've been nothing but the perfect girlfriend, and STILL it seems like it's not enough. I just don't know what else to do. I'm sooo sad. He said he's happy to just live together forever - not married. But that's not ok for me. I can't forgive myself for what happened in the past... if it wasn't for that, we'd be married by now. I'm soo torn. His daughter loves me and considers me her stepmom... I know she's a big part in this but i can't ask her to put pressure on her dad - that's not right. And the truth is, the more pressure i put on him, the worse it gets... he runs away. He comes home late, goes out w friends, etc... and again, i feel ignored and unloved and scared. He said i was the love of his life, his best friend, his sole mate...that he'll be with me forever...but if that's the case, why can't he change his mind?? Does he want me to be unhappy?

The other thing to add to this is that recently, he's been going through a lot of financial issues, and his father passed away. His daughter is a teenager soon and so she's battling with the raging hormones which is also upsetting him. I also shop a lot and he hates it but I've been helping him out as much as i could. I keep thinking that maybe this situation is clouding his judgment? Because one day he says, how can i think about the future and having a kid when i can't even pay my bills? And then next day he's like, i don't want them at all. One day he says, I don't want to have 2 ex-wives..what if 10 years from now you will get "bored" and go out and hurt me again? What then? And the next day he says, we want 2 different things. I don't want to get married. I HATE THE MIXED SIGNALS!! UGH :(

Does someone have any suggestions or have been in similar situations out there? Is this man i love so much a hopeless case with too much baggage who's truly scarred for life or can he turn around? Like i said, i'm 33 and by 35, I'd really like to have a child. Age is also a factor here because he'd be 48 by then. Should i give an ultimatum? Should i wait? Should i move on? I'm sooo confused :( Please help.


silverankh 5 years ago

I cannot believe what I'm reading. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years, and friends for a year before that. We get along great and have the best times together, but there are a few 'red flags'. He "doesn't do sleepovers". He has never stayed over at my house, and I am not invited to stay over at his. If I fall asleep at his house he will wake me up when he's ready to go to bed so I can drive home. It never bothered me too much until now, when I bring up us getting a house together or possibly getting married. He gets VERY defensive, says he never wants to be married, and even gets very cold towards the end of the conversation (which usually turns into an argument) to the point where I'm wondering if this is the same guy I fell in love with. We hardly ever fought before this and I do not question if he loves me or not.. I know he does.. I just feel like there is some deep issue that he refuses to let surface so we can work through it and be together.

He has told me his previous girlfriend was manipulative and I can tell when he talks about it that she really messed him up.. but that was 6 or 7 years ago now and those issues should be worked out; especially when I am nothing like her. I also know that with her there were sleepovers, and I think they were either engaged or he was going to propose.

I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to lose him because he really is an amazing person, but I cannot have the rest of my life consist of hanging out a few times a week only to be sent away to my house each night we are together. I don't understand how living together would be seen as a bad thing when you love the other person and you have fun together.

help. =/


snc 5 years ago

i have been throw a lot my parents kicked me out cause i was dating a separated guy but he was a lier sometimes all guys what are one thing and sometimes u cant tell cause they will lie and do absolutely anything to get it and i mean anything buy you a car money jemerly anything the best thing you can do for urself is ask urself what do i really want?And when u respect yourself than they will respect you and the best thing to do is just wait and go out with single guys only and be in a relationship u can tell what he wants and what u want and u can decide to stay and waste ut time or find someone that does what to marry u out i was in failed relationships what i have learned is if someone what's to marry you they will and you don't need to pressure them and it depends on where u meet someone 2


school much? 5 years ago

I'm sorry to be the one who leaves a negative comment, but the woman's comment above me was the most painful thing I have read in a long time. Go to school people and learn to write!


Mz.Meeh 5 years ago

OMG! Im so glad I found this sight. Im so in AWE, with the idea that my boyfriend of 2 years doesn't want to marry me. The idea of being married is doing what's right in Gods eyes to receive many blessings. We have been living together for about 16 months. He has 8 kids and I have 1. 2 of his kids live with us. I have become a full mom. When I leave work, im cooking and cleaning, and taking care of home. We have accomplished a lot in these past 2 years. He's been married before but he's taking too long to marry me. I know my worth, but he makes me confused if he is the one. Every time I ask him why don't we get engaged, he gets so offensive and doesn't want to talk about it. I am so worried that i've fallen in love with someone who possibly doesn't love me enough. I know that it's a feeling that you have when you love someone and you'll just know when you want marriage. But I think he's too comfortable and will not marry me because he knows that I cant see myself without him. Where do I go from here???


Sad1 5 years ago

Okay so my fiancé and i have been together for 3 years and just recently he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. Well i said yes, of course but he wont help me pick a date. I feel like hes sending me mixed signals and i don't know what to do anymore. He told me just today that i have to choose between marrying him and having a child with him. Can someone who really does love you give you that kind of ultimatum?!?! I want to marry him so bad and couldn't picture my life without him but at the same time i also want a child : ( idk what to do it just devastates me so much :,(


mavis 5 years ago

all these jerk who doesn't want to get married should tell their partner right from the start!

i met my bf shortly after breaking up with my ex-bf and i told him the reason for breaking up with my ex was because he doesn't want to commit.

Our relationship was great, we even lived in together for 2 years and now after 4 yrs together he told me he is "NOT READY" to get married. he is in his 40 and i am in my 30. so this idiot been wasting my time and lying to me about wanting to committ. we are in love n everything was great, i feel so sad n rejected when each time our attempt to come out with a resolution turned out futile. friends n family been stressing me out, they should be asking him, why am i the one been bombarded with all these questions, i get really frustrated as i don't know how to answer.

i felt betrayed and fooled. i told him, i need to break up and moved on. which is really the most sad part. because i loved staying with him and sharing everything together and now i have to moved out and start all the dating game ALL OVER AGAIN!!!! its so sad to have my life without him but we fight so much about the marriage it is frustrating. my life is going great in everyway except for this, i tear each time i think about it and it is beginning to affect my work. God bless me.


robeeen profile image

robeeen 5 years ago

I'm in the same boat. 5-1/2 years and he doesn't want to get married. I left him 2 years ago and he bought me a ring so we got back together. It's been two years since and he never mentioned it so I did, and he said he doesn't want to get married. We argued about it, I said, "then why did you buy me a ring?". In a nutshell, recently he said, "ok I will do it if that's what you want". How do I walk down the aisle or plan a wedding with someone that doesn't want it, but will do it? It's so hard because he has a right not to want it, but he's saying he will do it, but I can totally tell he doesn't want to.....


confused in NYC 4 years ago

am in the same boat and don't know what to do!


Electra18 4 years ago

Been with my boyfriend 5 years November 1. We went ring shopping 2 yrs ago ... well to shorten the story .. i Never got my ring .. he claims its because of financial troubles which we went through... so I told him get me something cheap.. his response was u deserve better... at this point I feel he just doesn't want to get married to me and that wont change in a year, two , or three. Their will always be an excuse whether money, timing, or weather lol. Bottom line is .. us women tend to waste time on men who are comfortable not giving us what we deserve. Time to move on. When a person really loves you , marriage isn't that big of a deal.


loulou2 profile image

loulou2 4 years ago

Hi, I am not in a current relationship and somewhat outside and watching a situation like that happenned and I don't know what to do with myself.

I have reconnected with a high school friend and we separated because he was never ready to commit since I was too serious for him...he knew I deeply loved him but he pushed me away so much that I went on my life and got married to his surprise. I cut him off and wished him well. he finally met a girl and they moved together...he was a serial player and into many girls but he was honest wth me because he said he would break my heart. I wasn't totally ready for marriage but I probably married to forget him; I truly believed my husband was a catch we were both virgins and he wasn't the typical player so I though I was lucky ;it turned out an abusive relationship as he was into prostitutes secretely and sexually abusive to me...I sought Divorce. Now divorced with a kid, I was shattered kind of but was happy with my freedom. I then finally met with my old friend...he has truly changed and was happy to reconnect with me and said that he wants me to be part of his life as a special friend. he wants to re-learn to know me and my kid; i wasn't too sure how to take all of this as he is still with his girlfriend of almost 4 years; he then told me also that he adores his grilfriend and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. i tried my best to stay away from them, but he wants me to be friends with both of them, him and her...visit them, and be there...now deep down inside me, i feel, he loves me but he says he doesn't which I don't believe.I try so many times to cut off the friendship and he would persuade me not to stay away from him not to stay away from each other again. I love him...those feelings came rushing back and I told him; I was expecting him to ppush me away as before but he says, he understands how I feel there is nothing much we can do about it. he wants me to be his friend. that he has a cincere friendship for me. I just feel for the girl but they seem to be getting on quite well. they are renovating their house, he is trying to be as open as honest as possible. but I am confused. I fell, if I told him my feelings he would not want me around them but it's not the case. he just wants me to control my emotions as he says.He wants to be involved with my kid and he is sincere.

Right now, there seems to be an underlying thing between him and his girlfriend as she wants to get married, but he doesn't. he did not tell me that,I just figured it out...i am not trying to tip in the relationship, all i want is to get away from him...from where I am standing i think he loves her very much...he would have never moved in with her if that wasn't the case, but marriage is not on his mind to say the least.He`talk to her about me and he finally invited me over to their house to meet her...I had not seen him for ten years since we moved away abroad so I was very apprehensive about meeting them...he really wanted me to be around them but when I finally got there, the chemistry between him and me was such that we called the meeting short...she was polite and a nice woman and we exchanged some polite salutations then she left us talking.he was shocked to see me not change at all...I knew I loved him and my feelings were still strong but I decided in my heart, we are friends and he is happy with this great girl, I could only wish him a happy life...this girl seem the most amazing woman...the meeting went well but we were just avoiding each other's eyes. i knew I wanted to go or restraining myself to go for a kiss...( it sounds crazy) this was a bad idea from the beginning still he thought there wasn't any problems since he was clear with me .Well it wasn't; we looked at each other and without a word I knew I had to go...

since I left, he cut out all contact with me. he has been distant and would not even repy to my emails. I know I shouldn't even write but I just wanted to keep the friendship going....I had said to him thanks for introducing me and congratulates them because they are both great couple with excellent communication and that I praise him for being honest. but since then NADA...he has cut me off...not completely he stills gives me some news if I say hi from time to time. but he would not talk to me...I praise him for that...I just hurt badly, he knows it and may be finally realise that it was a bad idea...that's what I wanted to do in the first place . I Having gone through a divorce, I can handle myself quite well now...I don't want other guys I just want him. i decided to cut him off as well...even if he comes because I just know he will...unless he marries her and then I know all will be over. until then, I am just trying to control myself not to go after him...the advice I would ask here is: should I wait for what happens? base on everything I said? thanks.


loulou2 profile image

loulou2 4 years ago

What I mean is should I wait for him? i know it sounds dumb but i can help but ask.

Thanks for the advice

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