Relationship Advice - He Was an Addict, Will It Cost Him His Family?

Dear Veronica,

My wife and I have been married 8 years together 10. We have had issues on both sides in past and I suffered an addiction for 4 years. Have been clean for 2 and changing into a better man. My wife claims the 4 years addicted hurt her so much in trust and intimacy and that i wasn't there times when she needed me the most. This has caused alot of hurt, resentment and anger. She claims to have forgiven me. But the hurt is still there and says shes unhappy. She says it makes her unhappy to talk about it, but I see small times of connection, but she pushes them back it seems. She does have depression issues that may add problems to it. I was her knight in shining armor from alot of past problems then just shut her out while addicted. Weve tried over past 2 years bu t haven't seemed to really hit the root of the problem. We are on a short time frame as we are separating after Christmas for her to"find herself, and work on herself" as she says I changed her over that time. I so desperately would like to know how to help her resolve these issues over the hurt and mistrust but don't know how. We tried counselors but the never dealt with these issues just our grievances over current results of that problem. Please email me back with help and steps to rebuild this trust and help us move forward before we grow closer apart. I'll answer anything you need to help in this. I so much want to save our family as we have 2 kids and it seems the hurt is making her give up. God bless.

Glen

Dear Glen,

There is an old expression about setting something free. If it comes back to you it is yours If it doesn't, it never was. I realize it's corny, but it's true.

My advice to you is to let her go. Completely. Let her stretch her wings and re-find herself. This will be like a pendulum swing. She is fighting hard to swing way out into the other direction and be away from you and the problems you two have. But you will see the inertia once she's out on her own. She will be able to relax and find her way back. The pendulum will swing back into the other direction, and back, and again, until she finds her median.

The harder you make it for her emotionally, the farther away from you the swing will be.

You have to let her go. Eventually when she does find her middle ground, I don't know if it will be as your friend and mother of your kids, or as your wife again. Time will tell. But I guarantee you the harder you make this for her even just emotionally, the harder she will fight to swing out and away from you.

Congratulations on your sobriety. Please remain that way, she will only find her way back to you if it sticks.

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