I Wish I Had A "Clip-On" Life

Hello. This is a

pictorial hub with captions to make my point about how to solve the ageless-dilemma of people disliking their looks, shapes, weight, or lifestyle. Now unless you are as rich as Bill Gates, smart as Stephen Hawking or gorgeous as Jessica Alba, then this piece applies to you. Admit it, men and women. The mirror is your worst enemy. It is mine. I hate myself and how I look. No offense to my Maker. It's just after years and years of hoping, praying and believing that one day "I" would be like the caterpillar and change into a beautiful butterfly, well, sadly I didn't. And too, I am weary to my soul of how I look, walk, talk and act in public. If I were grading myself on a scale of 1 to 10, I'd come in easy as a 1.

But help has arrived

in the form of an old television ad shown not too many years ago called, "Lee Clip-On" Nails. The ad was simple. And the product sold like cheap Buick's. A busy lady, maybe a powerful CEO gets a call from her lover or husband at her office. She smiles as he asks her to meet him at their favorite dining spot. As she hangs up her phone . . .oops! Rats! She has broken a precious nail. There goes the dinner. Not so fast, Ms. Independent Lady. Introducing Lee Clip-on Nails. The voice-over makes the sales pitch and her dinner is saved. That same formula, "Clip-On" can also be adapted to real-life. Everyday people like you and I can have the same lifestyle and pleasures as known celebrities such as George Clooney, Stephen Spielberg and Jay Leno.

If, we have courage enough

to mortgage our homes, clean-out our savings accounts, sell our stocks and invest in a medical research company that can give us a series of true "Clip-On" changes that if used in a nick of time, can change our entire lives. Even if for one evening. I am all in on this one. Read on.

THE VALUABLE "CLIP-ON" FACE FEATURE would be priceless for men or women. Say that you get a call from an "old flame," whom you haven't seen in years. He or she wants to take you out on the town like you did in the old days when you both were younger. But uh, oh! Those unwanted bags under your eyes, wrinkles in your forehead and those awful brown spots on your face spell "embarrassment" when your date arrives. Not when you have the revolutionary "Clip-On Face," that fits neatly in your closet. Just fit those soft unseen hooks behind your head into your scalp and presto! You are ready for a night of dining, dancing and romancing. This one feature alone would drive the major cosmetics manufacturers nuts.

THE PRICELESS "CLIP-ON" IRONCLAD ALIBI would enable you to get free from any arrest for most-any charge levied by the police. Since you are a law-abiding citizen, and in today's society where people are jailed by mistake, this item would pay for itself with a few uses. If you are arrested, be cool. Do not make any sudden moves. Ask the nice police officers to allow you use the restroom. They will do that. They are not ogres. When inside the restroom, find an empty stall and fling on your "Clip-On Ironclad Alibi," and bingo! You are released pronto. With a warm apology from the cops. Wouldn't you love the freedom of being able to live your life without fear of ever being sent to prison? Think about it.

THE EASY-TO-USE "CLIP-ON" HAPPINESS FACE would help even the most bashful "wallflower," become "Mr. or Mrs. Personality," at any party. Say that you get hauled into a party with old college buddies. Well, that might have been fine a few years ago, but now, you are a responsible citizen, husband/wife, father or mother and a public figure with a clean record. But you do not want to hurt your old frat or sorority friends, so by using the new "Clip-On Happiness Face," that is painless to use, you can fool even the hardest of partiers only with a look. Could you benefit from this product? Sure. You can go from average, dull and stuffy to an "all night party monster," with just one snap.

THE PRICELESS "CLIP-ON" KNOWLEDGE INSERT would be so helpful for today's high-achieving college students. (This product is not recommended for high school students or lower grades due to the risk of it being mishandled.) But in the ever-present event that you are facing a tough college final in Accelerated Bio-Chemistry, and haven't studied enough, now you begin to panic. What will I do? What will my parents think? And what will "Joseph," my straight "A" boyfriend with a Type A personality think of me? I cannot afford to fail. Why worry? You just relax and take a smooth nap in the privacy of your bedroom. Insert the soft tip of your "Clip-On Knowledge" pad and bam! That final will not have a chance. When you wake up you will be walking, talking, eating and breathing a grade of "Excellent," so why stress? Use the "Clip-On Knowledge" pad when it is produced and you will pass those awful college finals with flying colors. And you can delete the knowledge downloads when you graduate.

THE AMAZING "CLIP-ON" SEXY FACE is a life-saver for the cosmetically-challenged. If you are not a "10," not many guys will think you are hot as a wood stove. But just attack that sure-fire "Clip-On Sexy Face" that will sell for almost peanuts, and you will be "the belle of any ball." This feature comes with adjustable eyelashes that can "bat" your way into any young man's heart. And as a bonus, your lips can be adjusted from full to pouty in just one click that your new guy friend will never hear. The "Clip-On Sexy Face," is not a toy. It is a medically-engineered product that will enable the "socially-backward" girls in our society to taste "the good life" with a hot guy and several nights of passionate romance. Don't worry. You can swim with the "Clip-On Sexy Face," because it is made from the same materials used to build the Space Shuttle. Don't worry. The "Clip-On Sexy Face" will be in stores just as soon as some wealthy investors step-up with their checkbooks to get this product off the ground.

THE VALUABLE "CLIP-ON" SEXY FACE INVENTION will also be available for men. And what homely guy will not have use of the "Clip-On Sexy Face" invention? All guys love attention from the hot ladies. But their "farm boy" looks holds them back. And on this, I speak from experience. Just duck behind any available bush and whoa! There you are . . ."Mr. Love Kitten," the object of lust from all the pretty ladies at this tailgate party at Neyland Stadium in Knoxville, Tennessee, home of the SEC Tennessee Volunteers. And guys, use this product with moderation. We do not want to have your over-loved, worn-out body on our conscience.

THE GREATEST INVENTION SINCE THE LASER, THE "CLIP-ON" BODY BUILDER INSTANT MUSCLES can give any man, weakling or running back, the "super body," that is the envy of his buddies and sought-after by the girls on any beach. Just look. See the body builder in this photo? Ignore the kids who are bored. Focus on the muscles on this guy who could be "Mr. Universe," literally overnight. And without any harmful chemicals or wires that are dangerous to the earth's ozone or atmosphere. This amazing device works on the principle of a herbal body wrap. You ease into your bathroom and in less than five minutes, you will not believe the body you now have. Muscles everywhere. And it was so easy to attack to your sagging body with layers of fat. Hey, no more sweaty work-outs at the gym. No more health drinks. Exercise machinery. Be patient. When a team of wealthy Japanese investors see the monetary potential in this product, they will flock to America to invest in YOUR future. The "Clip-On Instant Body Builder Instant Muscles," hopefully in a store near you. Someday.

" I wish you guys and gals the best when these products are on the market. Fortunately, I never had any use for any of these items. "

Kenneth

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Comments 11 comments

Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 4 years ago from TEXAS

Clever - but hopefully, tongue-in-cheek, Kenneth! Who else would you really want to be? Maybe any of those 'clip-on' changes would confuse your followers and they'd be lost in cyber space looking for our beloved Kenneth Avery!

But it's a fun read and so well illustrated, too! Good hub! Gets votes!

(I opt out of the " . . this piece applies to you men and women. Admit it . . " business.

Nope. I prefer being me - took me long enough to get to the bottom of the task of it!.)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Nellieanna,

you are right. Tongue-in-cheek 100%!!! It would be a fast, easy way to fit into social settings where MYSELF wouldnt be welcomed. Like my favorite reptile, the chameleon, I could be a movie star, newsman, or even a doctor. Whom would I want to be? Well, you said it best. ME. After all, I know ME better than those NEW clip-on folks.

Thanks for bring me back to reality.

LOVE YOU!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ Nellieanna . . .look at my profile photo above. The girl is Alexis, my 11 year old granddaughter, the aspiring writer. She's also my buddy. I may publish my 8 year old grandson, John Gabriel and youngest granddaughter, Annabeth, one day soon. I didnt know if I told you or not who the little girl was.

Kenneth


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth, this is a great hub, very funny and interesting at the same time. I'm glad you told Nellianna about your new profile pic - I noticed the new pic right away and was curious (I've been reading your hubs even though I haven't had time to comment). I really like this pic of you and your granddaughter.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Kenneth...hilarious! You need to work on inventing these! But you don't need them, my dear friend. Also, remember, personality and a good heart go a long way, thank goodness...for all of us! I had an old boyfriend just drop by a few years ago and I couldn't have looked worse. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me on the spot...haha. I really could have used your clip ons that day! Great hub, as usual.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Giselle,

Where on earth have you been??? I have wondered where you got off to since you were seen on Hubs a lot a few months ago. I suppose "some" hubbers have lives aside from HubPages.

Yes, the young girl is Alexis Cameron, my eldest granddaughter, she has an 8 year old brother, John Gabriel and a younger sibling, Annabeth Mckenzie . . .they might appear later.

Giselle, please visit with me more often. Okay???

Your friend,

KENNETH


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, thank you, dearest catgypsy, for your great idea! I could make a fortune in a small time doing beauty pageants. Go backstage and set up my clip-on stands that provide everything from clip-on perfect smiles, skin, and well, other parts that judges like to see. I will not mention "those" here. But this is a great idea. EXAMPLE: Miss Wyoming: Oh, shoot! My legs have vircose veins! I may be disqualified. Me: Not so fast, young beauty pagent contestant. Try my new clip-on perfect legs. They are easy to use and cost very little. Miss Wyoming: Gee thanks, mister! My clip-on legs look just like real legs! I may be a winner after all.

See? Even the radio and tv ad copy is written.

Thanks, catgypsy!

Your frien for life,

Kenneth


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Hahaha...see, you're on your way to a fortune!


Giselle Maine 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth, thanks for your kind words. Yes I have been busy outside of Hubpages with other commitments lately. I am mentally working on a couple of new hubs but it could be awhile before they come out.

Rest assured that most of the time I DO visit your new hubs - I just don't always comment. Thanks again for your encouraging words, and it was nice of you that you missed me.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy: Thanks for your kind words and yes, when I hit my fortune, gonna ship some down your way. Deal? Thanks again for reading my hubs that means a lot to me.

Kenneth

PS: Tell Foxy and Heidi hello from Festus.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Giselle,

Great to hear from you. I have missed you, and do thank you for reading my hubs. I cannot wait 'til you get those hubs in your mind into HubPages. Let me know when they are up and running and I will fly over to see them. Meanwhile, YOU have a happy and safe day, my friend.

Kenneth

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