How to Coexist with Someone You Don't Like

Acting out your dislike could aggravate you.
Acting out your dislike could aggravate you. | Source

Maybe you’re not even sure why, but you feel slightly queasy when you see that person, hear his name, or (God forbid) watch him walk into the room.

Maybe, you just don’t like the style she wears, the way she walks and talks or the attention she gets.

Whatever it is, your smile disappears, your joy diminishes at the thought of that person. However, circumstances dictate that you encounter that person more often than you would like. Before your next unsettling episode, try this. It works.

An Exercise in Taking Control

In a quiet moment, visualize you and that person seated in arm chairs facing each other. Accept that the reason for your dislike, resentment, jealousy or any other negative attitude is purely speculative. Make the effort to discard your opinions. Then consider these three facts:

  • (1) There is something about that person you do not understand.
  • (2) Somebody dislikes you (same way you dislike that person) for the same reason: he or she or she does not understand something about you. Consequently you share something in common with that person sitting across from you; you are equals.
  • (3) Since lack of understanding is a sign of your human limitation, you are allowing your weakness or limitation to rob you of your oomph (energy and love of life). You want to change that.

By now, you’re ready to forgive yourself for sabotaging your own happiness. The next step is to transform the person, for your own sake, from the threatening figure of oomph destroyer to the friendly face of oomph builder.

Your aim is not to become bosom friends, though that is possible, but to take back the power you have previously given that person to bring negativity into your space. In the process you may learn more and understand enough about the person to actually like something about him or her.

You have the control as you lean (in your imagination) toward the person facing you. Ask the following questions.

More understanding, more liking.
More understanding, more liking. | Source

(1) How Can I Empower You?

Actually, you're asking, "How can I empower you to empower me?" Everyone including your former oomph destroyer has qualities, talents or skills worthy of admiration. If you haven’t noticed any before, clear away your prejudice and stare at the replays of your previous encounters until at least one virtue appears.

Based on the strengths you notice, rehearse one or two compliments that you intend to speak to the person, even if it means stepping out of your comfort zone. It doesn’t cost you anything, and it is worth the effort to help you change your attitude toward him or her.

Affirmation, encouragement, approval or any other form of verbal support, gives the receiver a reason to put forth his best behavior. You will begin to look for and notice other positive traits as you begin to feed the person’s sense of worth. Your response to the person’s presence will change for the better, and attitude change is contagious.

(2) What Can I Learn from You?

Recognizing that someone has the ability to share with you helps you accept that person. Your self-imposed discomfort or dislike may be obstructing your view of noble actions you can imitate.

There once was a single mother who worked for low wages and who had more children than she could seemingly manage. Her living was substandard and her well-to-do executive neighbor ignored (disliked) her —until the day the unassuming woman taught her a valuable lesson in parenting. The poor woman watched as one of her neighbor’s two children playing in the backyard shouted to the mother that she would like to have a soda pop. Knowing that the other child would soon ask, the mother came to the door with two soda pops.

Summoning her bravery, the onlooker addressed the mother of two, and asked, “What happens when you only have one bottle of pop? Give the pop to the child who asked, and give her an opportunity to share.” The generous mother was surprised and impressed. She had never thought like that, but it made sense.

The person you dislike for one reason or another, may have the answer to your question or the suggestion that might make your project a success. Treat him or her like someone who has as much value as you have. Your self-worth is reflected in the worth you place on others.

(3) How Can I Serve You?

Nothing inspires care for others like willing service; not necessarily scheduled hours of duty, but small acts of kindness.

Offer to lend a book or movie, share a recipe, bring a gift of fruit or flowers from your garden, or simply ask what assistance would be appreciated. When you show that you care, the other person often responds in expressions of gratitude, and similar kind gestures.

Service calls for humility, the antidote to arrogance which develops when someone justifies a reason for dislike or disrespect. People think about you long after you serve them, and the good thoughts they think, surface in their actions toward you.

Serve the other person and feel the joy boomerang before you even receive thanks. It will ensure a smile of satisfaction with every memory.

© 2013 Dora Isaac Weithers

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Comments 25 comments

ChitrangadaSharan profile image

ChitrangadaSharan 4 years ago from New Delhi, India

Nice and interesting hub.

Most of us face this problem sometime in life, that is having to coexist with someone we may not like. Your say on the matter is practical and useful.

With an open mind, we must try to look at the positives of a person. At the same time we must not forget that even we may have some negatives within ourselves.

Thanks for sharing this interesting hub.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks to you Chitrangda for your input, including your kind comment. You're right in reminding us that we all have negatives that someone may dislike. Open-mindedness can save us a lot of worries.

denise.w.anderson profile image

denise.w.anderson 4 years ago from Bismarck, North Dakota

This happens more often than we like to think. Even members of our own families have personality characteristics that are hard to live with. The suggestion to picture yourself seated in front of that person is a great way to deal with it before the actual event. The visualization helps you to recognize and understand your own feelings. The three questions, "How can I empower you?" "What can I learn from you?" and "How can I serve you?" are right on target in helping overcome them. They are a great alternative to arguing, fighting, and ostracism.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Denise, thanks for validating my treatment of the issue. You're right about having this problem with family members. It works with them too.

Ebonny profile image

Ebonny 4 years ago from UK

Reading this brings to mind a lunch I attended some years back. When we got to the dinner table to my dismay the seating plan dictated I was seated directly opposite the person I least liked out of the group of 20 or so people. I also felt sure that this person wasn't keen on me either.

Anyway, as there was no getting away from them I decided I would bite the bullet and straightaway made a conscious effort to stike up a conversation with him. I think he was a little taken aback at my friendliness but he responded well and within a few minutes we both relaxed a bit and through the course of the evening became less and less suspicious of one another and ended up having a great rapport and genuinely enjoying one another's company. I could never have imagined this happening but it just goes to show that what you say in your hub is right - if we give people a chance we may well find that they are indeed very likeable. We didn't become the best of friends but when we occasionally bumped into one another from that point onward there was no more avoiding eye contact or awkwardness. Instead, we were very comfortable around each other.

Thanks for this timely reminder to give people the benefit of the doubt and take the initiative to behave positively towards them.

You are right - it really does work. Voted up and more.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Ebonny, thanks for sharing your story and for confirming that the plan works. I really appreciate you.

travel_man1971 profile image

travel_man1971 4 years ago from Bicol, Philippines

We have our own individual differences. Starting from the family, I have my likes and dislikes with my parents, sisters and brothers. Yet, it can be talked upon, so all those misinterpretations are all water under the bridge.

But with the present situation that I am in (as a seafarer), I am always bombarded by the presence of overpowering officers and annoying ratings.

As a cook, I am always in hot water as I often undergo scrutiny with the food I prepare.

It's inevitable. Resiliency is my weapon. And in Filipino term, we call it pakikisama (camaraderie) just to jive and stay longer in my profession.

Thanks again, Ms. D. for this hub.:)

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Travel_man, I miss you. Thanks for sharing from your own experience. "Resiliency is my weapon" sounds like it could be your motto. Glad you found a successful way to deal with dislikes. All the best going forward!

unknown spy profile image

unknown spy 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

happens a lot..everyone experience this kind of feeling once in their life. thanks for the great hub

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks for your comment. Glad to help when we experience "this kind of feeling."

rajan jolly profile image

rajan jolly 4 years ago from From Mumbai, presently in Jalandhar,INDIA.

Most people I believe have faced resentment towards someone at some point in their life. Your tips are very positive in eliminating these negative thoughts, turning it around to benefits relationships and helping one to lead a more positive life experience.

Well done MsDora.

Voted up, interesting and useful.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks for your affirmation, Rajan Jolly. Thanks also for the votes. I appreciate you.

DDE profile image

DDE 4 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Valuable points here and this has happened to me with one specific neighbor, now we are good friends, definitely after spending time I understood and got to know the person more.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Happy for you, DDE, that you found a good friend in your neighbor. Never underestimate the change that can result from understanding someone you think you don't like.

unknown spy profile image

unknown spy 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.


MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Thanks, unknown spy. I appreciate you.

stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia

Great advice as always MsDora!

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Strictly dating, I appreciate your ongoing support. Thanks for your kind comment.

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Beth37 4 years ago

Yes, very good advise! Thank you.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 4 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Beth, thank YOU very much for reading and taking the time to comment. Glad you liked it.

shea duane profile image

shea duane 3 years ago from new jersey

Great advice, but probably the most difficult thing in the world to actually do! It's hard to put my rational mind above my sometimes raging emotions... but worth trying.

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Shea, I appreciate your honesty. You make me smile, too, 'cause I know what you mean. Glad you'll try.

ziyena profile image

ziyena 3 years ago from Southern Colorado

Wow thank you thank you thank you! I've been having this difficulty with my significant other's relative ... she's always seems to be jumping to conclusions, or judging or placing some sort of blame on me when she doesn't even know me. I tire of the drama, and just recently her verbal abuse. How many times do you give a person a chance? Great Hub, voting UP UP UP

MsDora profile image

MsDora 3 years ago from The Caribbean Author

Ziyena, hope you find a suggestion that works. Life is so much easier when you respond appropriately to provocation.

ziyena profile image

ziyena 3 years ago from Southern Colorado

Don't I know it! I wish there was a way, Iv'e tried being nice, everything ... I guess it's just that person's problem, but I will still take your HUB to heart!!! Thank you again ... much wisdom

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