If Your Relationship is a Secret From His Family Will He Ever Marry You?

Dear Veronica,

Your page is great. So glad that I found it.

Here's my situation. I've been in a long distance relationship with my bf for 4 years. I'm 32, and he's 28. Though we don't see each other very often, we love each other very much. Now I want to get married, but he says he doesn't want to right now. When I asked when he might think about marriage, he said after 35, which means I have to wait 7 years, by then I'll be almost 40...

He's a workaholic, working at least 12 hours a day, sometimes even 20 hours. His family run a very big business, and he wants to make it bigger and better. I totally understand that right now his first priority is work and he's too young to think of marriage. But 7 years wait sounds impossible to me. I may not be able to get pregnant by then. But I don't want to break up, neither does he. We did once before, but we were so heartbroken that the next day we back together. So this time he came up with open relationship. Actually he brought that up before. But he called me 3am that day sobbing that he didn't want me to date other guys. So we forgot about the whole thing.

There's one more thing I should mention that we keep our relationship a secret from his family all these years because his mother disapproves of me and my bf wants to protect me. So we are like modern Romeo and Juliet. What should Juliet do now?

cheese cake

Dear cheese cake,

Sit down dear, this is a three martini answer.

He’s not going to marry you.

7 years is one of those projections that isn’t really coming from a logical place. He’s saying he doesn’t want to get married in his foreseeable future.

His actions speak loudly. He wants what he has right now without changing it. He doesn’t want to marry you. Of course he doesn’t want you dating other people, and he doesn’t want to break up. He has it all right now. He has you on his terms.

The busy with work thing is such a lame excuse I don’t even want to address it. Sure he’s busy, sure he’s working. But if you were the one, if he wanted to marry, guess what. He’d make the time. Work would somehow “work-out.” You would be engaged, not writing to me.

You know the big problem here is that you’re a secret from his family. This is a foreshadow of things to come.

When he doesn’t want to deal with something… he doesn’t.

I’m not sure which thing it is right now that he doesn’t want to deal with: standing up to his mother, or just admitting to you that you’re not important enough for him to take a stand over.  And frankly, I’m not sure which is worse. 

Cheese, maybe think about it in a different perspective. It’s nice that you had this experience. That you felt love, and had great sex, and maybe made a friend, or whatever it is you’re getting out of this. But this is not your forever partner. Not all relationships are the forever one.

There’s nothing wrong with having an experience and falling in love. The problems come when we try to make those experiences into something they are not.

With actions and words, he’s saying he has absolutely no plans to marry you.

Maybe you have a career too, maybe you’re busy and independent and this long distance secret relationship situation was conducive to your life.  But if you’re in a place now where you’re thinking about marriage and kids, you have to see that this isn’t the right relationship for you anymore.

It’s not Romeo and Juliet. They were kids in love trying to spend the rest of eternity together no matter what the price. Romeo isn’t doing anything to try to spend his life with you. You’re romanticizing something that’s not at all romantic.

And why do you do that? Why does anybody do that? Hope. Fear of being alone. Loneliness. Wanting to be committed, even when the commitment is wrong. Lots of reasons. But none of them are good enough to sustain. 

Love is a really intoxicating thing. It makes us loopy. It makes us see only what we want to, and create excuses for the rest. It  makes us drunk, and then we cling to that feeling and fight for it when all of reality is saying, “Ummm… HELLO.”

It’s nice that you loved him. And I don’t even doubt he loves you too. But he doesn’t want to marry you. And all the excuses and romanticism in the world isn’t going to change that.

It is what it is, cheese. If you want more than what you have at this moment, if you want the marriage and the kids and the forever, you need to move on, because you aren’t going to get it where you are. 

Fleet Foxes

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14 comments

G-Ma Johnson profile image

G-Ma Johnson 6 years ago from NW in the land of the Free

I agree...Life goes on Cheese and there are many wonderful people out there...Believe me you will 'SHINE' for the right one...:O) Hugs G-Ma


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

G-Ma! You should have seen how I just lit up when I saw I got a comment from you!! Thank you!

How are you doing?

xoxo


Iðunn 6 years ago

excellent call on that, but your responses always are. I read you and upthumb more often than I drop comments but I'm trying to remember to take the time now generally, so you'll know I've been through.

also, just wanted to wave at you *waves* Hi. :D


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Wow, two of my favorite Hubbers in a row! Hi and ((hugs)) and waves back :) And thank you so much, that means a lot to me. xo


Iðunn 6 years ago

V, I'm going to come back through soon and actually leave comments on some of them I've already read (and I linked to one of your Hubs in one of my recent ones, too - let me know if you prefer I remove).

I'm sorry when I'm uncommunicative. I really love your Hubs and I do read you more often than it shows.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Oh thank you. And thank you so much for the linkage. I always appreciate that. I'm looking through your hubs right now. Great to chat with you a bit tonight. xo


Iðunn 6 years ago

Some of the general drop in my commenting had to do with the stalking thingie (I couldn't be sure who wasn't my stalker, since she uses tons of aes and is here multiplee - never doubted you though, btw), and just became a reluctance to be too visible after.

Some of it, I'm browsing and reading but I'm thinking about tons of things, mostly ideas for poems and if I stop in the middle of that then I lose the poem. Des has written some good poetry on that exact subject, actually. And some of it, just lazy or in a hurry, no excuse. I'm much wider reader than I am a commentor lately.

You're welcome on the link, it's the one on munchhausen's and alter egos, I think.


Joanna 6 years ago

This is such a great response! Something you'd expect to hear from a compassionate and wise friend. I had a laugh or two too. Thanks Veronica! It helped me make sense of a mess I got myself into as well :)


CoCoa_81 profile image

CoCoa_81 6 years ago from Shreveport, Louisiana

Wow! I myself have been in a similar situation. The thing is that we all sometimes answer our own questions before asking them, we just need to hear the answer from another to verify our own thoughts. No he won't marry, why should he if he is able to play a game he will continue to do so. Glad to be a fan.


cheese cake 6 years ago

Thanks,Veronica for the quick reply! Your response made me so sad, but I know you are right. I'm just too weak to admit that he won't marry me and too scared to be alone at 32.

My bf's mother is kinda racist. Though we are all Chinese, I'm from main land, and he's Taiwanese. His mother hates all mainland people. Taiwanese tend to look down on mainland people. His mother has only one requirement for his gf: NO mainland chinese. Actually I think it's unreasonable and stupid, but I understand that. His mother's set in her way. There's nothing we do about it. My bf keeps our relationship a secret to avoid all the possible fighting and unhappiness cause he thinks it'll upset me very much if his mother says anything bad about me cause I'm sensitive and have high self-esteem.

He's really busy working. I never doubt that. He calls me everyday at 1 or 2am and falls alseep while talking. He checked his blueberry for emails every hour when we were in Disney World on vacation and went back to hotel and worked till 2am at night... He's always checking and replying emails whenever and whereever. I'm used to that. One time he interviewed two people when driving us to San Diego, and I have to wait in the car for half an hour at San Diego Zoo parking lot for him to finish. Maybe I have to mention that my bf is an ivy league graduate, and his family business is one of the world's biggest in the industry, which takes a lot of hard work to maintain. I'm 100% supportive of him, though sometimes I get sick and tired of him complaining there's too much work and too little sleep.

Sign. Can't believe this is going to end. Or maybe open relationship is a good idea for now. It's not like I already find Mr.right. Until then, we can keep dating, which makes us happy. What do you think,Veronica?


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

cheese cake,

Only you know if you need a clean break or if you can dwindle off and enjoy open dating, friendship, booty calls, whatever there is. There's nothing wrong with any of that. But if it's going to hurt you too much, then do make a fresh start.

My personal feeling is, you need a fresh start. Even in your comment accepting the truth you see, you spent 95% of it making excuses for him and explaining his behavior. Honestly, I don't care what school he graduated from, how big his business is, or what kind of whack job his mother is. If you were the ONE, if he was planning to MARRY you, I guarantee you, he'd be finding more time and not keeping you secret. Bill Gates got married. Donald Trump got married, many times.

All these excuses tell me is that you are having a very hard time seeing clearly through this.

New doors will have a hard time opening until you close old doors.


samboiam profile image

samboiam 6 years ago from Texas

Some very well thought out advice. I enjoy reading your hubs. I do not always comment but I am trying to do better


sheila b. profile image

sheila b. 6 years ago

Past these intrigues myself, I hear about my daughter's friends, and even my daughter's dating life, and I'm amazed at what young women put up with, always ending their hour-long list of complaints with, "But I love him". Once married, a woman might discover she has to put up with stuff from her husband, but why a young women will accept being treated poorly from someone she's dating is beyong me.


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Samboiam - thanks so much! It's always great to hear someone is enjoying my hubs. I appreciate it.

shelia b. - it is mind boggling. Anything a woman is experiencing during the dating/engagement part of the relationship is foreshadow of things to come. And vice versa. If he's inconsiderate of her feelings now, that doesn't change after marriage. Usually, it gets worse because she's proven total entitlement to him: that he can behave that way and she still sticks by him. He has no reason to try to compromise. I have a HUB coming out on this very soon. I hope you'll weigh in. Best to your daughter.

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