Getting sentimental...

Many thoughts are rushing on me' head as i sit right now trying to figure out the lingering sadness that envelopes me...my whole being. A lot of people loves me. I know that for a fact. I have lived my life feeling imperfect, unlucky...unfortunately till today. This on my head brings a wry smile across my face, saying to myself "hey you...what seems to be the problem?".

Well...i don't know...that's what i can simply utter in silence while my seemingly tired and stiff fingers continued to type each letter of these words i say.

I feel lonely. I am not sure why...or what really makes me unhappy.

Looking back at myself i know i'm still in control of my thoughts. I am not sure if i'm losing control of my emotions though. I don't want to cry anymore for i had shed a river of tears for all the years of my imperfect life.

I'm somehow blessed i know. I was gifted with two wonderful daughters...one of whom is already a graduate of fine arts and at a young age of 21 has to join me in the ranks of what Philippines is well known for...OFW's. Overseas Foreign Workers that's what we are greatly known for all over the world. My youngest is 18 turning 19 this year and would be in her 3rd year college level taking up Public Health at the University of the Philippines. They have been my source of inspiration, the only reason why i continue to Strive and to Live. I have a loving family...a supportive mom and an only brother who cares. I have great good friends, guys and girls, near and far who fills up my day and bring out a smile in me anyhow. I know that on this premise, i have no reason to fret, cry and complain.

But when i think about the life...and what i had missed through all these years, i couldn't stop the tears welling up in my eyes. I am 44 and soon will be 45. Everyone says, i'm at the prime of my life, but i don't see it that way and instead i'm somewhat experiencing what others call as mid-life crisis perhaps. I can always give a hearty laugh, throw away funny lines and jokes that make people laugh, but deep within me...i feel empty.

Beyonce was right when she made this song..."if i were a boy, i think i would understand , how it feels to love a girl and i swear i'll be a better man..." singing this song at the back of my head, i agree...i would have been happier and complete, had i been a boy. But i'm not.

Can't help but remember that traditionally, filipino women during the olden days are considered as "light of the home." It is the role of mothers to bring warmth and joy to the family. It is the mother's duty to keep the house clean and in order, cook the food and make sure that her husband and children eats the right and nutritious kind of meals every day. It is those times when mothers stay home and take care of the kids while the father or husband has gone out for work.

Alas! but that was long ago....it's now a different era, a hard-to-face reality that shows working women and mothers are doomed. Gone were the days when women enjoys the role of being full-fledged mothers or wives enjoy time with their children while fathers and husbands are out doing the role of being responsible men.

I am just tired i guess...but tomorrow is another day.

I will still be the same serious funny woman i was and will be...a proud mother of two, emptiness may dampen my spirit at times...nevertheless, I WILL CARRY ON.


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Comments 14 comments

angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

Hi Natasha, glad somehow my own life's uncertainties and downsides exudes that kind of feelin' holding on to hope and faith to the one & only God who lifts us all up when times are hard. thanks so much for ur warm comments and appreciation. enj0y a blessed Holy Week ahead.


Natashalh profile image

Natashalh 4 years ago from Hawaii

Wow. Beautiful but sad, haunting but somehow hopeful, at least there at the end. Thanks for sharing this with the world.

Voted up and beautiful.


angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

Namaste Ray :) thanks a lot for ur heart-touching comment. made me re-read my lines and doubt if i had been thankful amidst my sentiments... *lol. thank God i was and will always be. yes, indeed life's journey is full of ups & downs and i'm glad ur one of the not so many who had more upsides than the downsides of life. glad to have shared a mirror of my soul that may bring positive inspirations to anyone.


ray kola 4 years ago

it is a very thought provoking read for me. makes me glance back at my whole life of 40 plus years and realise for every downs that i have there were always more ups that makes me smile.i guess thats part of life's journey. thank you for letting me read this. it has enlighten me on what i should appreciate in life.


angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

thanks ronald for taking time to read on my hub...ala lng, gnito tlga pg wlang mgawa. we tend to think too much & get emotional, but get stronger from those struggles and pains. God is good i know, with Him i've learned to be one great survivor. Hope u all are too.^^


Ronald S. Del Rosario 4 years ago

Hi I'am not much of a person in words it's juz that i'm so curious eversince i've started observing u without knowing that i'm getting keen and feeling something different about me. Well all i can say is ur a better person and a great Mom indeed not like other's , juz move forwrd with ur life and in the end there will b light shining up ur life God bless u alwys


angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

awww...*huGs* @ernie, wish to reach that simple dream of mine to be happy in its full sense of the word. thanks for friends like u and ruthie who has understands, accepts and treat me more like a sister than a friend despite of the distance. oh yes, and before i forget, thanks too for the "hikikomori" word i first heard from u *wink


ernie 4 years ago

When you reach the place of your dreams, you will thank your failures and tears, for they too kept you going...


angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

hey bro...thanks u made it on my link ;) i do know for a fact that God's been always there for me. its just that u can't help feeling lonely sometimes :(


bongflo 4 years ago

there are no empty spaces actually gel... its just a means by God to remind you that He is actually there for you always. nice post ha!


angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

g'morning bill :) thank u...reading on to some of ur hubs and fb links inspired me to write another hub before i ended my day and fell asleep.^^


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

There you go Angela; this might be your best work. True feelings, true emotions...excellent hub!


angela martinez67 profile image

angela martinez67 4 years ago from Manila, Philippines Author

i surely will...thanks 'nak. love u. *huGs*


gel 4 years ago

sometimes, there are things or people we can't keep, either they might hurt us or we might hurt them... We just have to wait... and if God would give you another chance, taste the opportunity and make the most out of it.

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