I'm An Old Lady Magnet!: My Funny Adventures With Elderly Women

“Do you like mayonnaise?” That’s what the old lady asked me, behind a crooked smile. I said, “Hunh?!”


I went to the store for string beans and now an old lady is grinning at me in aisle 5 about mayonnaise! I said to the old lady, “I hope you’re talk’n bout’ Hellman’s or sumth’n; that better not be a pick-up line lady!” She laughed, and told me that she had an extra coupon, and I was welcome to it. She went on to tell me about the history of mayonnaise, the difference between the brands, and the richness and quality of mayonnaise.

I am now a mayonnaise aficionado, and I got a jar of Dukes for $2.00 off! I went to the store for string beans, and now I have a jar of mayonnaise, and can't even make a sandwich! Thanks old lady, but next time, please start off by saying “Hi”!


“Ooooh chile’, I loves travel’n!” The old lady said with a burst of excitement. She was telling me about her vacation to Europe. She retired from teaching many years ago, and travels the world. I admired that she is an old lady that doesn't sit still. “…and when Walter made love to me on tha’…” I screamed, “Lawdy, NOOOOOOOO!!” She asked what was wrong. I said, “I don’t want to hear about old people lov’n!” She laughed and said, “You’re going to get old one day!” I told her, “I know I will, but that AIN’T today!"

"Thanks a lot lady, for etching into my memory, you rub'n gums with your old man, cause’ ya’ll have to take your teeth out first!" I thought her arthritis might kick up a notch from laughing so hard!


“Your hair looks nice.” The old lady said to me while in line at the neighborhood grocery store. “Why thank you!” I said. She said, “I sho’ wish I could get my hair like that.” I tell her that it’s really easy, and she shouldn’t have much trouble finding someone to do her hair…BUT not me!” She laughs, and asks, “Why?” I tell her, “Cause’ if you’re walk’n round’ think’n you’re cute, you won’t blame me, when you find out that you ain’t!” She laughed so hard, that I thought her dentures might need a little extra poli-grip! That was the beginning of a long conversation that touched on everything from…well, hair, to jewelry, to art AND MORE!

I finally bid her farewell, but noticed that she was having difficulty with her bags. She actually bought more than she could carry to her apartment across the street. I offered to take her home, and told her, “For all I know you could be Grandma Dynamite! Lady you betta’ not try nuth’n crazy!” She laughed, and promised that she wouldn’t. After I dropped her off she gave me a hug!


“Julia?” The crackly old lady voice asked at the other end of the phone line. “No, this isn’t Julia, I’m sorry, but you have the wrong number.” Well, four calls and one phone message later, I’m still tell’n the old lady that it’s the wrong number. One day I decided to call her. When she answered, I explained that I’m the person she’s been calling, looking for Julia. I ask if she’s found her. She tells me that she hasn’t, and says “I don’t unnerstan’, this is the numba’ that they gave me.” “THEY…they who?!” I nervously asked.

I couldn’t understand who she said THEY were, because her voice was frail.She said she had a cold. I don't know, but I'm beginning to think somebody done put my phone number on the bulletin board at the senior center!


Sometimes I wonder if my Grandmother has something to do with my funny adventures with elderly women. She has made certain that some old lady, somewhere, has a photo of me and my phone number and she distributes it to ALL the old lady’s of the world, AND when they see me they pounce into action! Well, maybe not the world, but it's a lot of em...or so it seems! They know that I’ll listen to their tales, their woes, and speak with them honestly, and wittingly. They call me, because I wait patiently til’ they finish cough’n. I am their salvation, their hero...okay that's a stretch...I know!

These shared stories are only an inkling of what I encounter and why I think I'm an old lady magnet. I’m unsure about my theory, for I can’t prove how this happens or why. However, I can say…Thank You Grandma…if it is you…I love you and the other old ladies too...I mean Silver Foxes!!!

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Comments 20 comments

J.S.Matthew profile image

J.S.Matthew 5 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

This is a great read! I enjoyed it thoroughly and still have a smile on my face as I type this comment with my 2 pointer fingers and I think I just heard the spell-check sigh. I am so glad that I came across this Hub in the HubFeed! Voting Up and Sharing, and now following you! Thanks for making me laugh. (Here's to those Silver Foxes! I might even tellmymuva about this one!)


AuntDarlene 5 years ago

It takes one to know one, so they know you are going to be great ol'lady someday,that's why they cotton to you!

Maralexa profile image

Maralexa 5 years ago from Vancouver, Canada and San Jose del Cabo, Mexico

Thanks for a great hub! You really are an old lady magnet. They know if they compliment you, you will end up carrying their groceries home. They DO take advantage of kind souls. But then, maybe that's all the resources they have. This is a great hub to read! Thanks for your kindness to old ladies.

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marellen 5 years ago

You are hilarious...I'm still laughing. You made my Friday evenong. Thanks....

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

@J.S.Matthew thanks!!! How freak'n awesome that you might tell yo' Muva! Please do...but ask her to use discretion, when handing my picture out!

@Aunt Darlene...I love you like only a niece can love an Auntie! They cotton to me alright...AND I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!!!

@Maralexa...my own Grandmother lived to 101, and I absoutely adored being around her and her friends! I think her spirit lives through me for these connections...I wouldn't trade it for anything!

@Maraellen...funny...my mother's name is Mary Ellen! I'm happy that your Friday evening is one step closer to insanity because of me!

KALIFAH 5 years ago

While it has been said many times before, you are the voice in my head. This article is a definite keeper! I think the world is finally ready for YOUR book, Muva!! And yes, I would make sure to get plenty of copies. Love you, Honey. Keep 'em comin'!! ??

bettermarriage profile image

bettermarriage 5 years ago

It's always great to be able to take a breather, and enjoy a good laugh. Thanks for sharing. Looking forward to more!

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

@Kalifah, if I am the voice in your head then you need some doctor'n...and quick! (LOL) Thank you!!

@bettermarriage, it is quite refreshing for me to have the encounters, or adventure as I call them. Meeting these women has certainly been a breathe of fresh air. Thank you!

Jeannieinabottle profile image

Jeannieinabottle 5 years ago from Baltimore, MD

This is a really fun hub. You just never know what the elderly are going to tell you. There is something to be said for saying exactly what you want and getting away with it. It is also nice to get mayo at a discounted price.

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks Jeannieinabottle, These types of encounters almost always happen when I step out of my door and into the world! I find that most people, and especially the elderly appreciate a conversation that's frank and not overly cautious. Believe me, I know when to throw my brakes on...sometimes! I finally did get lunchmeat, rolls and cheese for sandwiches...that Dukes was HIT'N!

justateacher profile image

justateacher 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

I, too, am and old person magnet...just yesterday an old lady came to me to ask me to help her find her car...when we found her car, she said "Now can you help me find my husband?" After a big laugh, we went back into the store and found her husband...

You are a great writer...I look forward to reading more from you!

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Shut The Front Door justateacher!! Now that is classic! I wonder if she thought her husband was behind her all that time...tooo funneee!!

Perhaps we have trusting faces, and perhaps they can sense something more from our faces. Honestly justateacher I worry about them too, and pray that they only interact with people like you and I.

Now...how are we going to divy up all these old ladies?

justateacher profile image

justateacher 5 years ago from Somewhere Over The Rainbow - Near Oz...

I think there are enough around for both of us! And I agree - hopefully they only run into good people!

Leeanne 5 years ago

Sharonn, as I always say, you are a natural comedian. I love your stories - WILL PAY TO HEAR YOU DO STAND UP!

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks Leeanne! I can tell a funny story, or turn a not so funny story INTO a funny story, but I WILL leave the stage to someone so phenomenally talented as you!!

Research Analyst profile image

Research Analyst 5 years ago

You are such a great writer, I hope you publish a book one day maybe on Kindle.

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 5 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks Research Analyst! Your words are extremely kind...truly made my day!

I've been told that many times, and by many different people...perhaps I should take heed.

Mike 5 years ago

Very interesting read. I like the bit about the poly fix.LOL http://www.micoequipment.com/

freelanceauthor profile image

freelanceauthor 4 years ago

Haha, pretty funny, - well written with nice photos. Great hub

imatellmuva profile image

imatellmuva 4 years ago from Somewhere in Baltimore Author

Thanks freelanceauthor! It's the story of my life...me and the old ladies!

Life with these encounters is absolutely awesome!

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