I'm So Glad That "I" Am Not A Trophy Husband

Princess Kate Middleton, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Catherine Zeta-Jones. What do these three lovely creations of womanhood all have in common?

Easy answer. They are all considered to be "Trophy Wives." And why shouldn't they? These three women, and thousands like them, are always gorgeous, witty, sensuous, and quick with witty remarks every time you see them on the arms of their husbands, who are considered by "my" standards, "blessed."

But did you also know that today's society has a group of gorgeous men who are thought of as "Trophy Husbands," based on their super-good looks, easy-athleticism, and charming remarks they let slide from their tongues all around the clock.

All "I" can say is that "I Am So Glad That I Am Not A Trophy Husband . . ."

What a guy. Every woman's dream. A trophy husband.

he is always on her arm and at her beck and call 24/7.
he is always on her arm and at her beck and call 24/7. | Source

BECAUSE . . .

THE LIFE OF A TROPHY HUSBAND . . .

is nothing short of mental, physical and emotional torture. Surprised at my comment? I don't see why, because behind-the-scenes, it's a different story than being in front of the camera's all day long. That is a gospel fact, guys.

I'M GLAD THAT I AM NOT A TROPHY HUSBAND BECAUSE . . .

  1. Trophy Husbands have to be "dressed to the nine's" all of the time, in and out of the public eye and even in private because you never know when a group of the wife's super-jealous girlfriends may drop by for some "girl talk" and possibly see the trophy husband tipping through the apartment just after a shower. Now as far as "I" am concerned, let my wife's non-caring girlfriends come over all they want, because I don't shower that much.
  2. Trophy Husbands have to be eloquent speakers. And I mean spot-on perfect. No verbal blunders at all, or the doting wife will be a laughing stock in front of all her friends who come to her yearly-charity event that helps to "Save The North Dakota Wild Otter," and a trophy husband doesn't want that long ride home in the Jaguar with a boiling-mad wife. Me? I like to be "me," even with the way I pronounce words. I do not want some English expert and speech coach living with me, telling me what words I need to "work on" in order to make a good impression. Take me or leave me. Got it?
  3. Trophy Husbands are expected to have perfect white teeth, straight and able to smile a "million-dollar smile" for GQ Magazine or Good Housekeeping. "I" simply do not want the pressure of seeing a dentist each week for dental tune-up's.
  4. Trophy Husbands have to dress in the most-expensive clothes on the market. Tuxedos, designer shoes, pants and underwear from Italy. It all goes with being a trophy husband. Now where I draw the line is that "I" wear what "I" want to wear because what "I" wear is always clean, decent and covers my nakedness. "I" do not own or wear expensive clothing because simply put, "I" don't want or need to. Simple as that.
  5. Trophy Husbands are always having to get along well with different types of people. True trophy husband's can do this event without trouble, but "I" am not that way. "I" have this direct-problem with snob's, smug people, and people who think they are God's gift to the world and when "I" see these groups coming at me, "I" suddenly bail to escape the temptation of saying what "I" am really thinking such as . . ."get lost!"
  6. Trophy Husbands travel the year around from France to Canada and back to New York. All because their clingy-wives just have to be seen with them on their arms. Not me. When my wife, Pam, and I go out, it is because "we" both want to, and not because she just has to be seen with me. I love this arrangement.
  7. Trophy Husbands are always eating various types of food, both domestic and foreign. NOTE: I do not have a conflict with foreign food. I do have a conflict with putting something in my mouth that still has eyes staring at me. Give me a steak, a cheeseburger, a platter of hotwings, a pot of coffee or pitcher of iced tea and I am a happy man. Not a pressured trophy husband.
  8. Trophy Husbands are experts at kissing butt. "I" am not. Even when it comes to my wife, if she says something that I don't agree with, I humbly disagree with her. I just cannot make myself be someone who says "yes," to everything someone says no matter if they are right or wrong. I like being my own man.
  9. Trophy Husbands do not bring attention to themselves, but to their wives. Now this one, I agree with, but not as a trophy husband, but as my wife's friend and companion. I'd rather give or direct any and all attention to her instead of me because she deserves it.
  10. Trophy Husbands lives are lives of "silent suffering." Just ask Brad Pitt and other trophy husbands and see if they will be honest with you. These guys are like us regular guys. They use the john just like we do, and if they had a choice, they would be on their couches dressed in their briefs, munching fried shrimp, sipping their favorite beverage, and enjoying a college or NFL game. "I" can do this anytime I want. Day or night. And on weekends if I choose. And Brad and the others can only look at us "average Joe's" and sigh.

MEMORABLE TROPHY HUSBANDS . . .

  1. Sting (the singer, not wrestler).
  2. Kenny Loggins.
  3. Brad Pitt.
  4. Ben Affleck.
  5. David Caruso
  6. Prince William.
  7. Prince Harry (someday).
  8. James Brolin.
  9. Bruce Willis.
  10. Mel Gibson (once upon a time.)
  11. Tom Brady.

While I am at this point of the story, just let me say on behalf of myself and all the "non-trophy husbands of America," . . .


Merry Christmas to all on the list above, their families, and friends. And a peaceful, prosperous New Year.


Now if you will excuse me, I need to get out of these spandex sports briefs, pass, not take a shower, head to the refrigerator for some delicious left-over turkey, and some late-night Sports Center.


Ahhhhhhh.

A trophy husband with his family.

what a lovely sight to see.
what a lovely sight to see. | Source

More by this Author


Comments 52 comments

writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Let me just say that I love every hub you have produced (that I have seen) so far. I really do and my favorite being the one on Merrie Melodies. This hub was a really good one to read. Speaking for turkey, I've got some grocery shopping to do...once Snowstorm Draco passes that is.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

I just saw my comment, and I meant to say 'Speaking of' and not 'Speaking for'...LOL! I got lexed with my letters.


bac2basics profile image

bac2basics 3 years ago from Spain

Hi Kenneth. I never even thought of trophy husbands before reading this, but you are right. I could never ever be considered for or fulfil the role of a trophy wife, and thank goodness for that, likewise my dear departed husband was anything but a trophy husband and thank the lord for that too. Who would want to be married to a puppet ? Happy Christmas kenneth to you and yours.


picklesandrufus profile image

picklesandrufus 3 years ago from Virginia Beach, Va

Well, trophy husbands seem rather dull to me....too perfect, just like trophy wives. Fun hub, as always, Kenneth. Happy holidays!


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 3 years ago from the South

It's hard for anyone to be perfect all the time. AND, the trophy husband gets old too and then he is replaced with a newer one! Funny hub!


Niteriter profile image

Niteriter 3 years ago from Canada

It was almost as much fun wondering what set you off on this topic as it was reading the Hub! It might be fun to be a trophy husband for a day or two but I'm with you on the general idea. Very entertaining.


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Interesting and so true, I totally agree with you thanks for sharing this Hub


Gypsy Rose Lee profile image

Gypsy Rose Lee 3 years ago from Riga, Latvia

Interesting and fascinating hub on trophy husbands. You are sure lucky in this case that your not one of them. Never really thought about it.


billd01603 profile image

billd01603 3 years ago from Worcester

Kenneth: Good Hub, I agree with you 100%. I never thought of myself as a "Trophy husband". But I wouldn't mind being one of the guys you mentioned. They are married to real beauties


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, again, writinglover,

LOL, "for" "of," I understood. Turkeys and I are good friends. I am about to reveal a time-treasured secret right here on HubPages right now: DID YOU KNOW THAT I HANG OUT WITH TURKEYS A LOT? YES. THEY, UNKNOWN TO "INTELLIGENT" MANKIND, POSSESS A GREAT I.Q. AND KNOW THINGS WE MORTALS DO NOT THINK ABOUT.

Such as this hub. A good turkey pal, "Timmy," and I were having coffee last week, well I was, he was munching on fresh shelled corn, and he just said, "Ken, are you a trophy husband or not?"

I laughed. Then left "Timmy" to finish his corn.

The loud yelling I heard when I was walking away didnt phase my thoughts of being a "trophy husband" that much, so I put his idea into print.

Thanks, writinglover, for both and all of your much-appreciated remarks.

Now to "gobble"-up some pre-Christmas goodies. None of which have any fresh shelled corn.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, bac2basics,

I have to agree with you. In my case, no pressure; no cameras going off; no stress of saying something completely dumb to the press and so on.

I live a mostly-obscure life such as the "hermit" of old. And I love it.

You can have the Brad's, Pierce Bronson's and Clooneys, for my part. I will just continue to be Me and enjoy life.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. Thanks for all of your comments.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Lol!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, picklesandrufus,

Dull may be right concerning trophy husband's. I didnt figure that description into being a husband icon who is seen on the arm of beauties as I mentioned in first of story.

Thanks for this and all of your warm comments.

I pray for you, a Very Merry Christmas and a Peaceful 2013.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ writinglover . . ."Timmy's" widow, "Tina," is not in mourning. In fact, she partied like it was 2099 when "Timmy" lost his head, as it were.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Lol!!!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear catgypsy,

If I were a trophy husband, your comment would have scared me. A younger replacement? Yikes. I am now so proud that I am just an ol' rural boy from Hamilton, Alabama.

And with a thankul heart to say "thanks" to you and all of my cherished followers who make each day a bit brighter.

Merry Christmas, cat.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ writinglover,

yes, "Timbo," is departed. When "Tina" was interviewing suitors, her first question to the would-be "tom's," was, "how much are YOU a pound?"


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Niteriter,

I had to mention those lovely women because THEY are, 1. beautiful and 2. married to trophy husbands. And thanks for the interesting comment. I think from now on, I will do all of my hubs like this.

Merry Christmas, friend.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

ROFL!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, DDE,

Thank you for your lovely comment on this hub. I needed to hear some uplifting words. You are right. I AM thankful that I am NOT a trophy husband, and that guy on Full Metal Jacket, "Gomer Pyle," in first of movie that the sadistic drill sargent yelled at 24/7.

I need to count my blessings.

Oooo-Raaa! (to all of my Marine friends.)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

@ writinglover's "ROFL," comment, first of all, "thanks, dear friend." You are making MY sides hurt when I write these replies. Another pet peeve "Tina" had in her talking to prospective suitors was, "when eating corn, do you "gobble"-up your meal as if you had no proper upbringing?" Yes, "Tina," was very choosy. She was not linking herself up to some "turkey."


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

ROFL! (cue tears of laughter).


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Season's Greetings, Gypsy Rose Lee,

Yes, my friend, life is okay. I don't have to wear expensive clothes 24/7; speak properly--all of my friends are rural; be perfect in everyone's eyes. Just be myself, which is another scary hub in itself.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, @ writinglover, (here is a Kleenex.) There. There. No use in shedding tears. Oh, did I tell you that "Timmy" and "Tina," did have several off-spring? Yes, this is true. But they all were named "Butter Ball." But they were all loved by those near and around the farm.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Billdo1603,

Yes, you are right. It IS nice not being a trophy husband, but I have sources who say that Kathy Lee Gifford is rather picky about Frank leaving his underwear on the bathroom floor. Just saying.

Merry Christmas, my friend.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

*falls back out of chair, laughing*


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, my dear writinglover,

do you have insurance? Oh, "Tina" was not a perfect hen herself. The old saying is true. "Turkeys do not know enough to get in out of the rain," well one day in front of "Timmy's" eyes, so to speak, "Tina," had this "hot" fling with the CEO of Wesson Oil.

When confronted, "Tina" was so "slick" in her alibi, she didnt fry.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

No insurance. LOL! I have to stop before I get hurt from laughing to hard...*stifling a giggle*


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

LOL, thats okay, writinglover.

I am going to be here all week. Be good and I will pull some strings and get you a backstage pass. Hey, I sincerely appreciate not only the comments, but YOUR laughter. That makes ME HAPPY.

God bless you my friend with the richest of blessings.

:)


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Will do! See you later!


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 3 years ago

I believe Pitt is the most pronounced trophy of the husbands mentioned. Angelina far outshines him in public. Interesting hub post and very much a new twist on the trophy wife aspect.


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

I've always liked Tom Cruise. Why isn't he on this list? Everyone has flaws so I'm sure that we can find something wrong with these trophy husbands and wives not necessarily their looks, but in their personality or appearance.


Hope2321 profile image

Hope2321 3 years ago from Australia, Adelaide

Heh i cringe for the poor men in this hub, I mean dude... don't men need to eat? It would be boring to have a nice roast with a Trophy man.

Again cringing at women who actually do this, I mean I'd prefer it if a man got along with mostly everyone but if he personally doesn't like someone then fine, I'm happy with his choice, hell he might be right in saying to a obnoxious friend to "get lost!"

Loved this hub, like your sense of humor "Uncle Kenneth" :P

Take care and Merry Christmas!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

January 7

Dear writinglover,

I apologize for being so late in responding. I've been installing a printer on my network and dealing with HubPages back and forth about a payment I am due.

But never worry. I am here, well at least today.

Got to work on a new hub Tuesday, God willing and I hope you like it.

Have a good day, sweet friend.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, teaches12345,

Yes, you are correct. Pitt "is" the most pronounced Trophy Husband in society today. Do you recall when Richard Burton was considered a trophy husband? I do. But Liz Taylor was then, and will always be "THE" Trophy Wife of all Ages.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear lovedoctor,

I could give you numerous excuses as to why Cruise wasnt on this list, but I'd rather just be honest with you . . .I forgot to write him in here. Forgive me. And he should have been near the top of the list.

Help me, oh God, to do better in the future.

And thank you for pointing out this error.

Love ya, Kenneth


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Hi, Kenneth! You have what we we normal people call a life. You get busy and you don't get to certain things right away. That's understandable. I hope you get your payment from HP my friend. I'm working on another hub, too! This one is in which I poke fun of myself. I got a laugh when I first thought about it and I hope YOU enjoy it! Take care!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Hope2321,

Thank you so very much for your comment, input and opinions. I agree on you cringing at some women who choose ONLY a Number One Man when she could have had a better time with, uh, say with someone like, uhh, ME! I am an average guy. Not well-dressed or spoken, but I am totally into clean hygiene and nice clothes when I have to wear them.

I am a rural man, born and bred. Proud of it.

I am happy being me: "Trophy Kenneth," LOL.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest writinglover,

I never thought of it that way. You are right. I have a life, and sometimes I get TOO busy with outside interests and then my Hub Life suffers.

I have been emailing HubPages since the last of November and they keep telling me that I was "shy" of their quota. By my figures, I am not. But guess I will wait unti late January to get paid.

Cannot wait for your new hub.

Love ya, dear friend.


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

Love ya, back!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

:) Wow! I repeat, "Wow!"


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

that was to YOU, writinglover!


writinglover profile image

writinglover 3 years ago from Lost...In Poetry

*grins*


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

:) writinglover . . .you again have made my day! And so thankful too, for today I am fighting congestion in my chest.


Sueswan 3 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

Trophy husbands just end up collecting dust. LOL

Voted up and funny


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Check this out how weird.. I am reading this hub on trophy husbands and watching Everybody Loves Raymond and all of a sudden, I hear character Frank's wife say she is not married to a trophy husband. LOL.. Anyways, sueswan's comment above is too funny! I'm sure that trophy husbands cheat too.


CrisSp profile image

CrisSp 3 years ago from Sky Is The Limit Adventure

Clever, witty! I enjoyed reading this hub and I agree with Sueswan, "trophy husbands just end up collecting dust" just like Ken - the male Barbie doll that is only on display and seldom touch.

I'm happy with my hubby, he's no trophy but can cook well and oh so damn good a handyman! No need to call a plumber! Lol!

Thanks. Voting up, funny and sharing.


mr-veg profile image

mr-veg 3 years ago from Colorado United States

@Kenneth I was filled with the wicked laughter reading the hub, glad to know that even I am not a trophy husband :D


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Sueswan,

I never thought of that--collecting dust. Great comment and I will remember that for future use.

Thanks!

Love ya.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, lovedoctor,

Thanks for your comment and valued-opinion. Some, maybe a majority of trophy husbands do cheat, but I cannot say all cheat. But I wouldn't know since I am "not" a trophy husband.

Have a great day and enjoy yourself and visit with me anytime.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, CrisSp,

Nice to meet you. And thanks for your comment. Trophy husands vary like the pretty stones in "Emerald Desert" in Western Arizona. I applaud you for bragging on your man. Great for you. I hope that you continue to comment and FOLLOW ME on Hubs with this Cordial Invitation.

You are a very candid writer and an honest spirit. I can sense this.

Visit again soon.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

mr-veg,

LOL, I laughed wickedly at your great comment. I too, am NO trophy husband. I am just me. And that's good enough for anyone in my life.

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