I'm So Glad That "I" Am Not A Trophy Husband
Princess Kate Middleton, Kathy Lee Gifford, and Catherine Zeta-Jones. What do these three lovely creations of womanhood all have in common?
Easy answer. They are all considered to be "Trophy Wives." And why shouldn't they? These three women, and thousands like them, are always gorgeous, witty, sensuous, and quick with witty remarks every time you see them on the arms of their husbands, who are considered by "my" standards, "blessed."
But did you also know that today's society has a group of gorgeous men who are thought of as "Trophy Husbands," based on their super-good looks, easy-athleticism, and charming remarks they let slide from their tongues all around the clock.
All "I" can say is that "I Am So Glad That I Am Not A Trophy Husband . . ."
What a guy. Every woman's dream. A trophy husband.
BECAUSE . . .
THE LIFE OF A TROPHY HUSBAND . . .
is nothing short of mental, physical and emotional torture. Surprised at my comment? I don't see why, because behind-the-scenes, it's a different story than being in front of the camera's all day long. That is a gospel fact, guys.
I'M GLAD THAT I AM NOT A TROPHY HUSBAND BECAUSE . . .
- Trophy Husbands have to be "dressed to the nine's" all of the time, in and out of the public eye and even in private because you never know when a group of the wife's super-jealous girlfriends may drop by for some "girl talk" and possibly see the trophy husband tipping through the apartment just after a shower. Now as far as "I" am concerned, let my wife's non-caring girlfriends come over all they want, because I don't shower that much.
- Trophy Husbands have to be eloquent speakers. And I mean spot-on perfect. No verbal blunders at all, or the doting wife will be a laughing stock in front of all her friends who come to her yearly-charity event that helps to "Save The North Dakota Wild Otter," and a trophy husband doesn't want that long ride home in the Jaguar with a boiling-mad wife. Me? I like to be "me," even with the way I pronounce words. I do not want some English expert and speech coach living with me, telling me what words I need to "work on" in order to make a good impression. Take me or leave me. Got it?
- Trophy Husbands are expected to have perfect white teeth, straight and able to smile a "million-dollar smile" for GQ Magazine or Good Housekeeping. "I" simply do not want the pressure of seeing a dentist each week for dental tune-up's.
- Trophy Husbands have to dress in the most-expensive clothes on the market. Tuxedos, designer shoes, pants and underwear from Italy. It all goes with being a trophy husband. Now where I draw the line is that "I" wear what "I" want to wear because what "I" wear is always clean, decent and covers my nakedness. "I" do not own or wear expensive clothing because simply put, "I" don't want or need to. Simple as that.
- Trophy Husbands are always having to get along well with different types of people. True trophy husband's can do this event without trouble, but "I" am not that way. "I" have this direct-problem with snob's, smug people, and people who think they are God's gift to the world and when "I" see these groups coming at me, "I" suddenly bail to escape the temptation of saying what "I" am really thinking such as . . ."get lost!"
- Trophy Husbands travel the year around from France to Canada and back to New York. All because their clingy-wives just have to be seen with them on their arms. Not me. When my wife, Pam, and I go out, it is because "we" both want to, and not because she just has to be seen with me. I love this arrangement.
- Trophy Husbands are always eating various types of food, both domestic and foreign. NOTE: I do not have a conflict with foreign food. I do have a conflict with putting something in my mouth that still has eyes staring at me. Give me a steak, a cheeseburger, a platter of hotwings, a pot of coffee or pitcher of iced tea and I am a happy man. Not a pressured trophy husband.
- Trophy Husbands are experts at kissing butt. "I" am not. Even when it comes to my wife, if she says something that I don't agree with, I humbly disagree with her. I just cannot make myself be someone who says "yes," to everything someone says no matter if they are right or wrong. I like being my own man.
- Trophy Husbands do not bring attention to themselves, but to their wives. Now this one, I agree with, but not as a trophy husband, but as my wife's friend and companion. I'd rather give or direct any and all attention to her instead of me because she deserves it.
- Trophy Husbands lives are lives of "silent suffering." Just ask Brad Pitt and other trophy husbands and see if they will be honest with you. These guys are like us regular guys. They use the john just like we do, and if they had a choice, they would be on their couches dressed in their briefs, munching fried shrimp, sipping their favorite beverage, and enjoying a college or NFL game. "I" can do this anytime I want. Day or night. And on weekends if I choose. And Brad and the others can only look at us "average Joe's" and sigh.
MEMORABLE TROPHY HUSBANDS . . .
- Sting (the singer, not wrestler).
- Kenny Loggins.
- Brad Pitt.
- Ben Affleck.
- David Caruso
- Prince William.
- Prince Harry (someday).
- James Brolin.
- Bruce Willis.
- Mel Gibson (once upon a time.)
- Tom Brady.
While I am at this point of the story, just let me say on behalf of myself and all the "non-trophy husbands of America," . . .
Merry Christmas to all on the list above, their families, and friends. And a peaceful, prosperous New Year.
Now if you will excuse me, I need to get out of these spandex sports briefs, pass, not take a shower, head to the refrigerator for some delicious left-over turkey, and some late-night Sports Center.
A trophy husband with his family.
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