I'm The Only 1 In Love
I love being an individual, different to the norm. I just didn't think it would screw me over.
Not me, not that girl next door, so laid back she's doing a crab stand, not me that girl who's mellow, funny as hell and knows what she wants and isn't afraid to get it. I could go on and on but I'm not about kissing my own ass in this hub.
Yes I was screwed over and perhaps my personality or individuality was the reason. To be honest I'd never truly know.
I rarely get angry and am more of a 'Yes girl'...was more of a 'Yessy'. I wanted to please those around me as much as I can. I got caught up in despair over my hymen...I still have mine, and all my friends didn't. I was living away from home and the friends I had there. I was surrounded by new friends who studied magazines like they were textbooks and defined themselves by their relationship status or how much sex they were having...regardless of the many notches on their bedposts.
Well not all of them...
Subliminal, Covert Peer Pressure.
I'm not sure if anyone ever recognises that it's happening or that they're doing it, but quite often, statements made, body language or events planned can create pressure into confirming or being more like others.
I'm not a clubber...I go every now and then for the sole purpose of having a good dance sesh and socialise with friends that do go. At university most of my friends there, lived for the club and getting wasted. It often ended with me making sure some got in alive and well.
The unofficial leader of the group, hated that I hated clubbing. We lived together and she wanted me to go out ALL the time. I couldn't afford it and it wasn't my thing. I'm into films, and going out for dinner, going to a classy bar or pub and socialise.
Anyway, she needed 'nights out'. It was her fix. Simply put it was how she got sex. Whenever she/we went out it was her prerogative to get a boy/guy/man back to our flat for some of her goodies...I say that like they're still good.
Before long, I was being looked at as the sad loser, she/they were now forced to put up with, because they created emotional ties with me. They began shutting me out, without shutting me out...if that makes sense. I was alone. That's how I felt. I gave in.
I tried being more the norm. I went out- hated it while I was out. Some nights were good...real good! That depended on who I went out with. When I went out with her and the 'dominant' friends in our group, I was so embarrassed my colour faded, the antics used to get men back was appalling.
I know I'm not giving much details, most of which is for another time. What I'm saying is I allowed those I thought were friends to help me lose me, luckily I was just too much for them and me cam running right back into my arms. I haven't let go since. In fact I'm working on making her even better.
It suddenly hit me! I'm the only one in love with themself. I love me and have made the decision to stop pleasing others and just be happy.
She doesn't get it, the others don't seem to either. They've all got issues of their own...hell we've all got/have issues but I loved me, enough to see me worthy of real love, happiness and respect...whether it came from me or those around me.
I'd never lower myself for a shag not to mention a shag from someone I'd never see again. I wish I realised this sooner, I would have taken better care of myself and stood up for myself, long before I did.
I'd never force others to not be themselves and be someone else. I want my friends to happy with who they are and with life in general. We should aim to affect each other, let alone the world positively.
I suppose it happened when it should have, a moment in time where I was best able to analyse, be around real, supportive friends who facilitated a growth in my own strengths. I'm a better girl/woman/female for it.
We as individuals are often to afraid to think about us or put ourselves first for a change...more often it is a need.
I was the only one in love...with me, I didn't know it fully then, I do now and it's the way I want to be, it's the way we should all be...in love with ourselves...not to the point of narcissism but so we know the times where we have to say know for the benefit of ourselves.
So if you're not there yet, fall in love with you!
January Hub Love #14
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