In Theaters Soon . . .The "Off Limits Girls"

OKAY, I CONFESS

I was never a ladies man, playboy or sex god. Although those titles were very appealing, but not very attainable to me when I was a younger man. Ahhh, the Roger Moore's, Sean Connery's and Hugh Hefner's who made our world so exciting, but actually gave guys like me a complex when it came to scoring with hot chicks anytime, anywhere, or any place.

But in all honesty, I cannot blame Moore, Connery or Hefner entirely for "my" low self-confidence in the "getting girls department," for I have, on this hub, some images of the type of girls and women who to this day, I simply cannot talk to even though I have plenty of say. These girls and women you see on this piece are who I love to call, The "Off Limits Girls." Don't make a mistake in judgement. I didn't say these were The "Outer Limits Girls" who appeared in that early classic sci-fi television show that we all loved.

FLIRTY MAJORETTES SUCH AS THESE GIRLS

NEVER GAVE ME THE TIME OF DAY. OH, THEY WOULD ASK ME FOR THE TIME, BUT WHEN I WANTED TO TALK TO THEM IT WAS ALWAYS TIME FOR THEM TO LEAVE.
NEVER GAVE ME THE TIME OF DAY. OH, THEY WOULD ASK ME FOR THE TIME, BUT WHEN I WANTED TO TALK TO THEM IT WAS ALWAYS TIME FOR THEM TO LEAVE.

MAJORETTES

ranked high on the list of "Off Limits Girls," for me and guys like me when we were in high school from 1967 through 1972. And friends, the majorettes in "my" day were not dressed like the girls in the above photo. The majorettes in my high school didn't wear long, thick skirts that concealed their shapely legs. No, sir. They had near-scantily designed uniforms that looked as if they came from spray cans. We guys loved it. Couldn't get enough seeing that tan skin that the majorettes loved to show at every pep rally and football game. And as for keeping us guys from roaming away from the game to get into mischief, our majorettes' routines were so methodical and precise, we guys were captivated.

And wouldn't you know it. The next Monday when I would see one or two of them walking down the hall, I would first clear my throat, wet my lips, and foolishly walk up to them and say, "hi, girls. Great show, Friday night!" Then came the giggling. Sometimes getting laughed at too. " . . .and who are you?" they would ask very coy. "Ken Avery. You know, I talked to you for an hour after the game," I would desperately-reply. "Sor-eeee, we don't know you," they would say. And then "I" would let "the" "bomb of remarks" drop, "So I guess it won't do me any good to ask you out for a date, huh?" Talk about laughing to loud that the hallways trembled. The majorettes in my day were heartless, insensitive, and self-centered. That's why they are on my list of "Off Limits Girls."


LADY LAWYERS

were always popping up in my teenage fantasies. I had this reoccurring dream where I had been nabbed by the cops because some good citizen reported me for stealing a fire hydrant. My lawyer, a court-appointed public defender named, "Julie Starr," who kept a dark secret of taking her young clients to her apartment and "teaching them a lesson" about law and order that would last for hours. And in my neck of the woods in Hamilton, Alabama, we had a few lady lawyers who looked great. I tried to be friendly with the single lady attorneys, but they would look at me with a dumbfounded look and just keep walking. "Off Limits Girls," for sure.

FEMALE STRIPPERS

were definitely "Off Limits Girls," for my hometown had no strip joints, bars, or houses of ill repute. My town was "dry," as no booze was sold, except for the bootleg kind. And since I was way too young to get into a strip club in nearby Birmingham, Alabama, I could only dream while reading my secret stash of Playboy magazines that an older buddy would let me borrow. But man how I would have loved to dated a stripper. What a convenience. When we we danced, she could do all of the work.

LIVING LEGEND, LENA HORNE

was, in all reality, an "Off Limits Girl," because, help me to face it. Horne was a silken-voiced angel sent from heaven above for us to enjoy for just a passing season. Why would she waste her time with the likes of me, a rural kid born in the sticks and raised in cornbread? She wouldn't. And didn't. She surrounded herself with successful men and women and never was seen in public or private with guys like myself. But that didn't keep me from wanting to take her out for a long drive in some secluded romantic country setting.

BEAUTIFUL FEMALE WRESTLERS

someone had told me, were the "ideal" ladies out of the ring. And whomever told me that, I think it was an older guy who rode the school bus with me, gave me so much to dream about and hope for. Why not date a hot female wrestler? They are human. And are not going to kill me for just asking, so in my senior year and having already registered for the Draft, (hope we forget), I bought a wrestling magazine and picked out the best-looking female wrestler and wrote her a six-page letter written in long-hand asking her for a number where I could reach her and if we could get together. I knew after seven letters, the female wrestler I had chosen was an "Off Limits Girl," and I had even enclosed a good photo of myself to seal the deal. Well at least my local post office loved me.

ATTRACTIVE LADY COPS

were definitely "Off Limits Girls," in my hometown in 1972. Back in this time, we had no such thing as Equal Employment Opportunity or Affirmative Action to hire people of all sexes, races, creeds and backgrounds. But I had watched a war movie with Robert Mitchum and it featured a female MP who looked fantastic in her uniform. I put my dream of dating a female cop on hold until our Federal Government finally came to its senses and made it possible for women to be cops. By the time it was law, I was already married. Thanks, Fed's.

HOT CHEERLEADERS LIKE THIS ONE

WOULD PARADE UP AND DOWN THE HALLS OF MY HIGH SCHOOL WINKING AT THE ELITE GUYS. BUT WHEN I MADE A PLAY FOR THEM, IT WAS A HUMILIATING EVENT.
WOULD PARADE UP AND DOWN THE HALLS OF MY HIGH SCHOOL WINKING AT THE ELITE GUYS. BUT WHEN I MADE A PLAY FOR THEM, IT WAS A HUMILIATING EVENT.

YES, THE ALL-AMERICAN CHEERLEADER

or a "thorn in my side," in my high school days. Just like their sisters, the elite-feeling majorettes, "our" cheerleaders were pretty much plastic, without feeling and no chance of guys such as myself ever taking them on a date. Even if it were a fine, uptown, classy joint that cost $20-bucks a plate. No, sir. The cheerleaders in my day were just like wolves. They ran in packs. Hung-out together. Laughed together. Partied together. I secretly wondered if they sometimes lived together. Only talented "jocks" stood a chance in dating these "female vipers." And we "no life" guys figured it out. A cheerleader in her senior year, in my day, wanted to latch onto a scholarship-type of athlete who would attend college. Then make it big in college athletics, namely football, then score a multi-million-dollar contract with the NFL making her living made once and for all. And guys like me, well, what could I offer a cheerleader except my undying love, devotion, support and undivided attention? These cheerleaders never wanted me. Or my buddies. Welcome, ladies, to The "Off Limits Girls" list.

"Thank you . . .

for reading this hub that really took it out of me to publish. I am now depressed all over again. What tortured memories I have of the girls that were "Off Limits" to me.

Just wait until my next hub is published . . ."Friendly Gals With Shady Backgrounds," and then you will really feel my pain.

Sincerely,

Kenneth

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Comments 12 comments

Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

Love your lady lawyer fantasy. ROFL

Voted up up and away!

Take care :)


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

"I bought a wrestling magazine and picked out the best-looking female wrestler and wrote her a six-page letter written in long-hand asking her for a number where I could reach her and if we could get together" Ken, this is a novel in itself! I would love to read that letter in a hub.


DFiduccia profile image

DFiduccia 4 years ago from Las Vegas

Kenneth,

You have a gift of taking the most mundane topics and writing a hub that is interesting and enjoyable. Your style and delivery reminds me of the late Andy Rooney—voted up.

DF


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Susan,

Ahhh, the lady lawyer, rather the naughty lady lawyer. What 18-year old male hasnt had that dream? Its fun to look back, but with me, its always a painful reminder that God didnt give me a lot of "girl-getting" skills. I had to just rely on what I had: Imagination and a gift of gab. Man, how I wish that female wrestler had gotten back with me.

Kenneth

PS: thanks kindly for your votes and comments.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Shea . . .guess what, my darling friend? YOU Have given me another Hub idea. I think I will do it. Publish what I wrote to, get this, "The Blond Bomber," from Houston, Texas. A marvelous-looking female blond wrestler who had this certain gleem in her eye as she posed for the camera . . .just before she used a pile driver to put her sometimes male opponent out like a light.

Thanks, shea!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

DFiduccia . . .I sincerely thank you for your very kind comments and remarks. I am truly humbled. Andy Rooney? Wow, you need a payday for that one. Wish I had Rooney's wealth and I would definitely send you a big check.

Seriously.

Thanks again!

Kenneth


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 4 years ago from New York

Every time I read one of your hubs I think "this is his best" but no, I'm wrong, you always come out with a better one. Your narrative style and humorous situations are just what everyone can relate to. As I read the smile gets bigger on my face and I'm nodding my head knowing what you're talking about.

God Bless.

Voted up, funny and awesome. Thanks for SHARING.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

You are the Seinfeld of Hubpages...taking everyday situations and making them funny and endearing! Another great hub, my friend!


writer20 profile image

writer20 4 years ago from Southern Nevada

Sounds like you came from a small town like me in England where the only excitment was when a Chinesse restaurant opened, then we would surmise which animals they had caputered to cook.

Voted up funny and interesting.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thanks, tillsontitan! You have really made me feel good this morning. I appreciate YOUR comments so much. I really mean that too. Comments such as yours makes me strive to do even better work and remember, its just to make good friends like YOU smile and have an easier day.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Catgypsy . . ."That Seinfield comment is the first ever time I've received a comment like that and I am very humbled and honored. Thank you, dearest catgypsy, for your support and kindness." "I sincerely hope that you, Foxy and Heidi, and their friends, have an easy Monday!

Your Friend for Life,

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Writer20 . . .you are so right. Hamilton, Alabama is the "Mayberry, (from Andy Griffith Show) of northwest Alabama." "We do have more restaurants than we do factories. Our size is small, but we eat great. Come over and visit anytime."

Your friend,

Kenneth

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