Internet Porn

Internet Sucks You In

building your fantasy, destroying your reality- What are the effects on a relationship when too much of our lives are virtual?

"The Kingdom of You"

A short story

In the silence of the morning, staring beyond the space between us, you sip your coffee…light cream with two sugars please…I hear your unspoken words of aloofness. Your teeth bite into the crust of toast and jam, while your brown eyes gaze past me as if watching something outside that transports you to a desirable place. An insignificant smile crosses your lips. I catch the faint movement, and briefly think there is a moment of redemption; perhaps you have remembered something pleasant about us. It disappears as quickly as it came, it was not meant to be shared.

It was another private moment of pleasure kept for yourself, where only you feel the joy. This secret world you are creating is void of my existence, emptied of relationship, expectations, involvement, and touch. It is a fantasy life you are diligently designing and constructing. So many nights I lay in bed wondering whom you are spending time with, where did you go tonight. In the darkness, I hear your fingers caress the keyboard as you spend hour after hour exploring a world of midnight strangers.

Once, in a moment of lonely desperation, I confronted you, looking for a crack where I might step into your kingdom. Your reaction accusing me of invasive paranoia, telling me how silly I am acting. In your ensuing monologue, reciting how devoted you have been; how hard you work; how everything you do is for us. For us? How is this for us?

The creaking grows louder. It is the sound of a heavy door slowly dragging across an uneven floor. The strain of rusty hinges groaning from the neglect of time. Torn by the tension of keeping it open, and desiring relief from the weight, I tremble. As I look into your distant stare, my heart explodes with a longing to be the queen of your world. To share the place beside you, hand in hand, arm in arm, entwined as an unbreakable cord. That was your promise so long ago…now you surround yourself with an unseen wall in a kingdom filled with a life where I am unwelcome and unknown.

If you were caught in bed with a mistress, I could point to her and say, “off with her head”! Or if I found you squandering our fortune on roulette or cards, there would be evidence of your transgression as your chips are stolen one by one. But no, your sins are locked behind password-protected screens of international journeys without passports. There is no proof. Only a growing sense of distance as your travels take you further away into a virtual world of desire and endless exploration.

My heart is tired. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this door of your kingdom from closing in on me. How many more days I can sit hearing the chain of the latch taunting me as it clangs against the beams of distorted motion. How many more nights do I spend enveloped by pillows, rather than your arms? How many more wordless mornings of imaginary pleasantries shared with brief comments on the weather or news or decisions on where to buy wine and cheese?

The creaking is deafening. The weight is overpowering. My limbs ache and my mind is screaming. You will not hear me. You are too preoccupied to notice. You wipe berry jam from your lips as it drips down on your crisp white collar leaving an unnoticed stain. Your lies have invaded truth to such an extent that truth no longer exists. As a puppet speaks the words of its master, your fantasy monologue convinces you to close the door of silly talk and paranoia as “us” dissolves into “you”.

Long live the king. Creak, creak, clang, clang, hush…


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Comments 10 comments

lyricsingray 7 years ago

great hub

your fan,

kimberly


Mrs. Obvious profile image

Mrs. Obvious 6 years ago from Northern California

Been there. This was the demise of my first marriage. I hope for you that this is a story and not your real life. But then, its a little too vivid to not have come from personal experience. Check out my hub on Celebrate Recovery. Fabulous place to heal.


MFB III profile image

MFB III 6 years ago from United States

It's sad when a person trades intimacy in the flesh for the electronic blips of distant seduction. Often whithout their knowledge they are chatting with a 300 pound lonely soul who needs to hear words of affection, while posting photos of models that they claim to be themselves. I don't look at porn, I can't enjoy seeing someone having more fun in a hour or two, then I have had in several weeks...lol - superb hub, perhaps an eye opener for some.~~~MFB III


bayareagreatthing profile image

bayareagreatthing 6 years ago from Bay Area California Author

Mrs. Obvious- I can say that I have not had to experience this kind of betrayal. In the past- it was a different kind that ended my marriage. The emotions are the same. It is the feeling that something is pulling the one you love away from you. Thank you for your comments! I am so sorry for the pain you have endured! God Bless you!!!!


stars439 profile image

stars439 6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

Wonderful Hub.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

Great Blog. As men, we are quite oblvious of how much our wives yearn for our presence and our ears! When they scream at us, because we are not giving them our presence and our ears,we tend to see it as pms or outright insanity!

My first wife, who passed away, used to have the same complaint as your story depicts when I was very involved in ham radio and would stay up late talking, with excitement in myvoice, to people all over the world, whom I didn't even know and most of the time, never talked to again.

Thanks again. Looking forward to reading your other blogs


bayareagreatthing profile image

bayareagreatthing 6 years ago from Bay Area California Author

Thank Vrbmft! I appreciate the comment. I am left with a lingering question- do you ever regret the long hours spent on the radio? I appreciate your honesty!!!


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 6 years ago from Yucaipa, California

I regret being so unawares. I believe in options, so I could have done both, spent time on the radio and with my sweetie pie. I have a hard time with the word "balance" because balance can be so tenuous. So I'm not sure I could have found balance, but perhaps that is the best way to put it. But really, just being more aware--CONSCIOUS-- and appreciative that someone was lying in bed and missing me. So that's what I regret. Her lying in bed and missing me. And me being too caught up in whatever that was to so totally miss it and miss out on top of it all! Ah! We, men, are perhaps Weee brained!!


bayareagreatthing profile image

bayareagreatthing 6 years ago from Bay Area California Author

Thanks vrbmft! We all learn as we go...some lessons are just more difficult than others for both men and women! God Bless you!


Dim Flaxenwick profile image

Dim Flaxenwick 6 years ago from Great Britain

That was a brilliant way of addresing an ever increasing problem in our society. If it helps even one person from straying into that vile world you'll have done a good job. God bless.

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