Interracial Relationships-Do's and Don'ts

Loving someone outside your ethnicity is great if done for the right reasons. My ancestors are made up of English, Cherokee, Choctaw, Scottish and French so if not for these unions I would not be here.

I look white. When I was single I mostly dated Native American, Asian and Mexican guys. Because of my skin color I got some looks and learned to deal with it in a mature way.

I’ve read many comments in forums by people who date outside their race and have noticed some things that bother me. I thought I would list a few important things that need to be considered before taking the leap into a different culture.


Do-

1) First and foremost make sure you love the entire race and not just one gender.

If you are a white man and you love Asian women but say derogatory things about Asian men you are racist; I don’t care what you think.

If you marry an Asian woman and have children, there is a good chance you will have a son and he is going to have mom’s genes as well as yours which means he just might look more Asian than Caucasian. I have seen a few white men with this attitude and it bothers me greatly.

Making an exception for your child is not enough. He will sense your racism and it will give him a complex. I know, I’ve seen it happen first hand and it makes my blood boil. They are beautiful children and deserve to be loved for who they are, not who you wish they were.


2) Learn as much as you can about their culture.

Don’t assume they will take on your beliefs and forget their own. Marriage is a union of two people and even when they are the same race there are compromises and changes to make on both sides. I could tell you a story about a white girlfriend of mine who married a Jordanian man but that would take too long. Short story; it didn’t work out.


3) Think of the two of you as equals.

No race is dominant so get those thoughts out of your head. Love them on the same playing field or it won’t work.


4) If you are out on a date and someone gives you a dirty look: smile.

Don’t let them drag you down to their level. Do not get into a confrontation; just walk away. You love your significant other no matter what and if you care for them you will stand strong and not care what other people think. Having an argument in public over it won't change their mind so just let it go.


5) Be open-minded about their culture.

I’ve heard the dog eating comment until I am sick of it. Look far enough back in history and you will find we all had roasted canine somewhere back in time. When a village is hungry enough anything looks like dinner. No, I'm not condoning eating dogs but I'm also not going to make a big deal out of other people who do.


Don’t-

1) Don’t make a big deal out of the fact you are with someone of a different ethnicity in public.

It is juvenile and only makes you look silly. In most cases no one cares if you are a black guy who is dating a white woman. (Just an example. I’ve seen this happen with many combinations so don’t get defensive.)

When this happens they think people are giving them negative looks due to the fact they aren’t from the same culture. No. They are staring because you are acting foolish. Stop it.


2) Don’t use pet names like “squaw” or other racial slurs.

I don’t care how cute you try to make it sound it is still racist. Your lover deserves more respect than that so knock it off.


3) Don’t refuse to try food from their country.

You don’t know you won’t like it until you at least try it. Looks can be deceiving. Some of the most god awful looking food tastes pretty good when you give it a whirl.


4) Don’t use words like fetish.

You can’t have a fetish for a race of people. The word fetish refers to inanimate objects like shoes or panties. What you have is a preference.


5) Don’t go for men or women of a different race because you were treated badly by the opposite sex of your own culture once or even a few times.

All people are different no matter what cookie cutter they were molded from. If you are having problems with the opposite sex you might take a look in the mirror. Chances are it's not their fault but something you need to work on in your own persona.


6) Don’t go for a person thinking all women of that race are going to be the same

Asian women are not all submissive, French women aren’t all oversexed, Mexican women can’t all cook, white women aren’t all gold diggers and black women aren’t all aggressive. I won’t go into the male stereotypes I’m sure you’ve heard them and they aren’t all correct either so get those stupid ideas out of your head.


7) Don’t say derogatory things about Asian men if you are an Asian woman marrying a white guy.

Chances are you will have a son who looks like your father who just happens to be, guess what, an Asian man. This just makes you look bad, not to mention giving your future son a complex.


8) Don’t think a person is racist if they don’t find people of your race sexually attractive.

I don’t find blond haired blue-eyed men attractive. That doesn’t make me racist to Swedish people; they just don’t ring my bell. That’s not racism; it’s a preference. Huge difference.


9) Don't get bent out of shape if you see a mixed couple out in public.

It amazes me the people that take offense to this. All white women do not belong to all white men and if she wasn't dating that guy you don't approve of she probably wouldn't be interested in you anyway so what is your problem?


I am neither condoning nor abhorring the practice of race mixing. I think people should be allowed to love whomever they please.

There is nothing wrong with preferring men or women of a different culture so long as you are doing it for the right reasons. You have to live with your decisions the rest of your life so make sure you are making them because you love that person as an individual and for the love of chop suey don’t drag innocent children into it until you get your head on straight.

More by this Author


Comments 61 comments

anglnwu profile image

anglnwu 5 years ago

Mine is an interracial marriage--my husband is Jewish and I'm Chinese (from Singapore). I used to get stares from people but I've grown quite "immune" to it. I love the fact that different ethnicity can exist together in harmony. Thanks.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Oklahoma is a very diverse state and most people here don't think anything about it.

Good for you not letting other people bother you. We should be able to love whomever we choose.


daouady profile image

daouady 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio

I agree with your what you are advising.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks, daouady.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Ethnocentric mind sets are what got this country in trouble in the first place. Thamk you for sharing.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

That is so true. When we all see each other as equals things will be better.


dingdondingdon profile image

dingdondingdon 5 years ago

Good hub, with some very insightful points. The part about trying your partner's culture's food is very important, I feel. Sometimes we don't realize that it's insulting when we won't even try it, but it can be very hurtful.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

As long as it's not looking at me or still wiggling I'll give it a go. :o)


pan1974 profile image

pan1974 5 years ago from Columbus,Ga

Oh my God, I am so glad you did this hub, on this topic, I believe also that when people date outside their race it should be for the right reasons, I have known to many people that have dated outside their race for small minded reasons. As for me, when it comes to love I don't see color.When I was a child my aunt was married to this blue eyed white man, whom was my favorite uncle, and they were truly in love, it was not about color. I wish people would get out of that simple kindergarten way of thinking in color, and think in love. Thanks so so much for sharing this hub.I hope you do more on the topic.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Pan, I've seen so many immature people lately in forums saying stupid things and felt I needed to do a story about it.

If people don't see each other as equals and are looking for a servant they are only asking for trouble.


Docmo profile image

Docmo 5 years ago from UK

Good hub and I am sure many will thank you for writing this. Great insight and tips ... there are still many out there who cant get past the skin color and stereotyping. We live in a global village in modern times. children play together and don't think about ethnicities unless the adults remind them of it. I think we've come a long way.. but yet even longer way to go. thanks for this!


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Docmo, we all could learn from the innocence of children.


kittythedreamer profile image

kittythedreamer 5 years ago from the Ether

love this hub, too! love the honesty, pamela. keep it up! voted up!


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks, kittythedreamer. I just tell it like it is.


Motor Scooter 5 years ago

Pam,

You are entitled to your opinions, but do you have the pedigree to instruct people on what to do or not do with regards to race? Take your own advice and love who you want, but leave others to their own devices...just because things other people do/say things that bother YOU doesn't make them wrong, it could be your own self conscious paranoia at work...


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Ah, Motor Scooter, I must have hit home with my advice. If you find fault in my suggestions which one do you have a problem with?


PaulStaley1 profile image

PaulStaley1 5 years ago from With the wind---(or against it)

Thanks! Nice hub good topic.....


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks for reading, Paul.


WannaB Writer profile image

WannaB Writer 5 years ago from Templeton, CA

Although I did not marry outside my race, I did marry into a different culture, and it was more of an adjustment than I expected. I think what you said about getting to know the loved one's family and culture is very importance, since that one you love is very much a product of his family and culture, and he or she will not be able to be separate from it. That being said, I know several interracial couples who appear to be happily married. I think that actually culture is more important than race. If people are second or third generation Americans who have assimilated into American culture, they may have more in common than people of the same race who have not both assimilated into the American culture. I speak from the perspective of a Caucasian woman who attended an Oriental church for nine years and watched an entire college group date and choose their mates. I also had a Chinese boss who married one of our Caucasian co-workers after breaking an engagement to someone from the old country.

People are people. Get to know them well enough and you stop noticing race. But notice it or not, cultural differences do exist and will sometimes cause problems in relationships. The more people have in common, the less adjustments they will have to make.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

That is true, WannaB. Growing up in a country or region, we pick up characteristics and views.


SylviaSky profile image

SylviaSky 5 years ago from USA

Excellent sensible article that should be published in a big venue like The New York Times.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks, Sylvia for your vote of confidence.


bugslady8949 profile image

bugslady8949 5 years ago from The Bahamas

At least in the Bahamas we do not have that much stares of people who are dating out of their race, we do not care but bahamaians have racisms on people who are of hatian decent.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Bugslady, I have never been to the Bahamas but would love to go someday.


seanorjohn profile image

seanorjohn 5 years ago

It's heartening to see that there is only one negative comment to this well thought out hub.When I moved to the North of England I was shocked at the level of racial stereotyping I came across.( I moved from the more Cosmopolitan London.)I am glad to say that after living here for 20 years attitudes have changed for the better. Voted up


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks for the kind words, Seanorjohn. It is more acceptable now than it was in years past but still a ways to go.


fashion 5 years ago

Great hub.Helpful to run a good and long lasting marriage

life.Excellent tips to follow.

Great work.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks for reading, fashion.


TheExpertise profile image

TheExpertise 5 years ago

Good Hub

Couldn't have said it better myself

An understanding the womens mind is an art i go a little more in detail feel free to read http://theexpertise.hubpages.com/hub/Top-3-Questio...


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

I wasn't able to pull up your story. Looks like it's been removed.


trusouldj profile image

trusouldj 5 years ago from Indiana

Very nice hub. Here in Indiana, in the last 6 years I've seen more interracial couples that I have in my entire lifetime. And i'm fascinated by it.

Just a few days ago, i saw 3 different couples in the same store in the same aisle. And if I stare a little, its not because I'm disgusted, but because i think it is so cool.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Trusouldj, sometimes people look out of fascination and approval. We shouldn't always assume they are judging us in a negative way.


pelt545 profile image

pelt545 5 years ago from Hampton Roads, VA

Indeed, if people stick to their own race, then many people in this world would not exist anyway. I would not either because I am African American and Native American by my maternal grandmother.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 5 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Pelt545, it's been scientifically proven that mixed people are healthier. People are getting more used to it since a high percentage of Americans are of more than one race.


pheng 4 years ago

I never heard about health of mixed people. very news. and great as the hub it self. thxs for writing it


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Pheng, it waters down the bad genes although depending on your significant other's family history you could add some medical issues your family didn't have before but that happens in all relationships whether you are the same race or not.


Paulie profile image

Paulie 4 years ago

Nice Hub, good advice. I come from a family where if people didn't race mix most of us wouldn't exist!


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Paulie, I'm a mutt and proud of it. I am fortunate to live in Oklahoma where mixing is not only accepted but the norm.


princesswithapen profile image

princesswithapen 4 years ago

Loved reading this hub because it came from your very own personal experience. The fact that readers have poured their hearts out in comments giving insights and sharing experiences shows that your hub touches a tender nerve.

Princesswithapen


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Princess, we should be allowed to love whomever we choose as long as we respect each other and the culture that goes along with that.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

Well said, but I do not refuse all cultural foods because they look nasty; I refuse some because I feel that they are unclean--conch, shark, and alligator, for example.

I, also, do not push for interracial relationships, but I am respectful enough to admit that couples have a right to make their own decisions without my thinking that the decision is mine. I do not try to intimidate any mixed couples, but I have starred too long when they were an unusual pair. When I realize that I am over starring, I check myself and resume starring when they are not looking. I have never been accused of being perfect, but I am truthful about my curiosity.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Levertis, maybe you should work on your peripheral vision so people won't feel uncomfortable.

I've never had shark or alligator, do people eat them?


Paulie profile image

Paulie 4 years ago

Yes, people eat sharkfin soup (I've actually seen it in a can). Supposedly sharkfin has cancer resistance properties (or least years ago it was believed that the dish did). And people eat alligator tails. I heard it taste something like fishy chicken. I'm pretty much game to eat many ethnic dishes, but I've never eaten either of those foods. I don't think there is anything eatable under the sun that is not eaten by someone around the world. Even some dirt is eatable to stave off starvation. Basically, I like what I call "peasant food". The tastiest food is what the poor of any particular country makes. These peoples have learned to make tasty eatable food from whatever ingredients they can find.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Paulie, most comfort foods are from cheap ingredients and quite tasty. I'll have to look into shark since it is good for us.


Levertis Steele profile image

Levertis Steele 4 years ago from Southern Clime

Pamela:

My peripheral vision does not allow enough detail, but I have made a conscious not to offend with prolonged starring.

Yes, some people do eat alligator and shark. My husband has tried them. He will try anything. Once he and some friends invaded a rattlesnake pit and later cooked and served snake steaks among themselves. Yuck!!


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Levertis, as long as you smile and don't frown all will be well.

We have rattlesnake hunts here in Oklahoma. I haven't tried it but it's supposed to taste like chicken.


Kevin 4 years ago

Where is the side picture coming from?


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

That is James Shigeta and the picture is from an old movie. He was considered a hearth throb in the 60's. I'm not certain but I think that photo is from his movie Bridges To The Sun based on a true story of a Japanese man and Caucasian woman married during WWII.


nohaa 4 years ago

oh, im malay-arab married to french-american-egyptian.. we are not having kids yet but sometimes we do think how will they look like if we will have.. and what languages and how to bring them up.. but one thing that i am definitely thankful is that our societal world nowadays have become borderless where people getting married to people across the globe. race, ethnicity and skin colour are being less-concerned. just think and compare our situation with our fore-fathers' time.. should count the blessings!!


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

That's a nice mix of cultures. We have a lot of combined races here in America.


formosangirl profile image

formosangirl 4 years ago from Los Angeles

I recall being in Washington, D.C., and receiving a lot of stares, but now that my then boyfriend/now husband moved with me to Los Angeles, it seems that we are now the norm (Asian women/Causasian men combination). In my office, a good percentage of the workers are in an interracial marriage. I asked my kids if friends ask. In elementary school, nobody cares, but now that my son is in middle school, classmates have started to be curious about his ethnicity. But nowadays, most kids looks "Brazilian," a mix of everything. Interesting, and voted up.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 4 years ago from Oklahoma Author

There are a lot of Asian/Caucasian couples in Los Angeles, I know three Asian men married to white women who live there.


Paul Kuehn profile image

Paul Kuehn 4 years ago from Udorn City, Thailand

Pamela,

This hub is especially interesting to me because my wife is Thai. You have pushed all of the correct buttons, and I'm definitely with you on all of your "do"s and"don'ts". It is especially important to love and value the culture and people of your spouse. Voted up and sharing with followers and on Facebook.


sweetie1 profile image

sweetie1 4 years ago from India

Very useful information hub. A very close friend of mine was deeply in love with a white girl but unfortunately their relationship survived only for 3 years before the girl cheated time and again. Wish he and she had read your hub couple of years ago. voting it up and useful.


Adama Gidado 4 years ago

Hi Pamela,

I really enjoyed your hub and completely agree as well. I like number 4 in the do's section, just smile and move on. Very useful. Thanks.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 3 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks for reading and sharing, Paul.

Sweetie1, inter-racial relationships have extra challenges and aren't easy. Too bad she cheated on him.

Adama, thanks for reading. I feel very strongly about this article.


iiblog profile image

iiblog 3 years ago from Fresno, California

You discussed nice things. It really helpful to recover the lost relationship also.

Thank you.


Denizee 3 years ago

Wonderful insight and informative Hub on interracial dating. Everyone has the same heart and no one should be judged for who they choose to love in life. Why judge a relationship you're not a part of? Thank you for writing this very interesting piece - I enjoyed it very much.


Pamela N Red profile image

Pamela N Red 3 years ago from Oklahoma Author

Thanks for reading, Denizee.


Raine Law Yuen profile image

Raine Law Yuen 2 years ago from Cape Town

many people these days are born and raised within a multicultural society - They share the same values,customs , wave the same flag sing the same anthem - so its offensive to be looked upon as different because of skin tone. maybe this is Gods way of telling us that We need to start valuing people for who they on the inside because in the end that's all that matters.


poetryman6969 profile image

poetryman6969 19 months ago

Some interesting and useful observations. Voted up. Religion will matter more than you think if you are in it for the long haul.

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