Is He a Player or Did You Scare Him Off? - Dating Advice

I received the following email asking for relationship advice. Kristen's letter is long, but worth it. Very interesting, and very much a lesson for all of us.

Dear Veronica,

Let me say I stumbled upon your blog/hub while Googling "Why men lie" and "Why he hasn't called."


I need your advice. This is a long story.
 
After our first date he texted and called me on a normal basis, even somewhat persistent, showing me affection and attention. Then one day he just stopped!

So I texted him that we should just break it off since he didn't seem interested. He responded, and I sent a bitter "Have a good life" response.

I then emailed him and apologized for being so rude because I am not a negative person and nothing comes off more insecure than rudeness or sour grapes. He responded that he liked me. I was elated.

He said that I didn't seem that interested and he wanted someone to hang out with more than casually because I addressed we could hang out again in "a week or so." Also he was put off that I didn't fall all over myself to assist in a minor surgery he was having, instead I offered to come up for one day, excuse me but after one date and communication I think that's normal. Sooooo, there is a red flag maybe.

Anyway we start seeing each other more after addressing these things and we always have a great time together laughing and enjoying life, and I am so happy because I have only felt this way once before, and this time the connection is stronger. 

All is well until I tell him about a guy that was hitting on me. He is upset, and doesn't beat around the bush about that. I apologize because I realize I was wrong in that situation and jokingly tell him to be my boyfriend then, since he says he has no right to be that upset but he is. We laugh about it and say we are boyfriend and girlfriend. We spend his birthday night together doing nothing really and having fun, he gets many texts and calls that night so I know he could have been going out with his friends or even other girls if he wanted to, but he wanted to spend the time with me. That night a friend calls him and he tells him about me, the new girl he’s dating and mentions my name and that he can't wait for me to meet him etc. In August which is 8 months away. So I am thinking yay! he is at least thinking of keeping me around :)

We briefly touch on kids and he says he wants them soon since he is older, we also briefly talk about past relationships but I try not to make the conversation to heavy.

Anyway on his phone I see that he has many texts from girls the night of his bday and I can see some of their convos stored. One says "I really like you too" blah blah blah. Anyway probably like 15 girls texted him that night, but whatever our relationship was still new and he is a "catch" so I didn't trip. Although, he had sent me similar texts so I was worried.

A couple days later we are having lunch after his surgery and a girl drops off soup on his door step "pathetic" so I realize more and more this man has women chasing after him and he likes the attention......

He shows me pics of his ex’s on his phone even though I tell him its okay I don't really want to see them, my friends say he probably did it so that I would know he had options? Who knows anyway, he texts me that he would like it if I went out with him Sunday and I write back can't and I'm bummed about it because I already had family plans of which he knew. but maybe forgot. I send dirty texts after that and another sweeter one he doesn't respond.

Then at 9ish that night I get a missed call and voicemail from him and I'm so happy! Until I listen to the voicemail in which I hear a woman's voice and he asks if she is playing with his phone and is agitated you can tell. That is the message I get, not the best! So I don't calll him or text him, he calls me 2 days later and leaves the sweetest message "miss your voice" yaddada.........

We talk about why I'm upset and he says his older next door neighbor was over, the one he used to hook up with, is equally wealthy, older, semi attractive, and bought him a very nice birthday gift. Yuck puke me!

Well I really like him so I dismiss this behavior seeing as how he is apologetic and says nothing happened between them, that is maybe why she got upset and purposefully called me to make me mad because he had told her about me, and of course she had seen me over often, although I had not met her. I have no option but to leave now, or trust what he says and continue our relationship. So I choose trust.

So, we move forward and he comes down to see me and help me move a little bit of stuff into my new place. He tells me he wants to give me money for a haircut ($80) that I mentioned I wanted, and I refuse because I tell him it will make me feel like a hooker. What kind of woman would I be if I was like yeah okay give me the money?

He comes down and sees me again and we have incredible sex and he is very romantic tells me to look at him, open up to him, etc. We talk about kids again because I ask him if he is really ready for that, seeing as how his life is so great right now. He says yes in the next year he wants kids. W hat about me, I say probably in the next 3 years. He says "you are supposed to say you want them now" Jokingly, and it makes me melt. I ask him if I am someone he could see spending his life with/ wife material and he says why else would I be hanging out with you....... He seems sort of rushed to leave and gets two texts from girls while at my house, with him I don't care because he has options and he is choosing to be with me at that time, honestly didn't even make a big deal about it. We also talk about how he is still dating other people and that I don't like it. He calls me when he gets home to let me know he made it safe and I am drowsy and say goodnight......

AND that is the last I have heard from him :(

Well actually I called him and we had an awkward conversation because I mentioned I wished he would have called me, and he got weird. I left him a message 2 days ago a real sappy one because I thought I have never chased a guy but maybe, possibly, I put off signals that I am not interested in a LTR or something and I want him to know that I am. He hasn't called back and I'm going CRAZY over it!

So please tell me- is this guy a psycho head game player telling me to open up to him and lying to me for the thrill of it, or did I scare him off!

Kristen

Dear Kristen,

I wouldn't categorize him as a game player, I'd call him a manipulator. I think he knows what he might want, and he's good at setting up different scenarios and possibilities to make those things that he wants available to him.

You thwarted his manipulations. Some of them were just plain manipulative to make him feel important and secure, some of them were more sincerely testing the waters for a relationship. For example, in dropping off the initial contact to make you chase after him, he set the tone for the relationship. Even though you didn't roll over it still set the tone. Another example, he showed you he was jealous when you told him you got hit upon, and he made classic moves to get you to show the same, like showing you pics of ex gf's in his phone. Another example is he made the classic genuine boyfriend-girlfriend gesture of trying to take care of you in some small way, by treating you to a haircut. You rejected that, equating it with "hooker" instead of girlfriend. Almost all of the description you gave involves his setting up a scene.

Through your rejections of his manipulations he eliminated you as a possibility.

Personally I don't think you're missing out on anything. His behaviors show that you were a possible deliverer of what he wants. They do not show that you were someone individual and special that he loved, just that you were someone that might have "worked."

He's not looking for a connection. He's looking for someone whom he can manipulate into being/acting/doing exactly what he likes. He's good at it, too. He has many women in line to be tested and manipulated, he has outward things going for him. But he lacks depth and sincerity. He's not going to hold the attention of any real woman for more than a few months. That's one of the reasons he moves on so quickly. It's very passive aggressive.

Not knowing either of your exact ages makes it impossible for me to elaborate further. But I will say this, and it's more based on my instincts than on information: I think you were out of his league.

I think you're probably very pretty, you're obviously secure, smart, independent, fairly young - life in front of you instead of behind you, the world is yours, anything is possible, lots of friends and ideas and dreams.... And I think he was wildly attracted to that, but saw that you are not the type that can be easily manipulated, made to feel insecure, convinced to believe him despite your better judgment, etc. I think he knew better than to continue down his manipulation pathway with you. I think he saw his tests fail, and let go. I think he knew better from the beginning, but having nothing to lose, he started setting up his little obstacle course to see if you'd play along. And you did for a while. And that's ok. But this guy with his databank of women and texts and excuses and tricks, isn't worth your worry.

This hub

was written by Veronica for Hubpages. If you are reading it elsewhere, it has been stolen. All text is original content by Veronica. All photos are used with permission. All videos are courtesy of Youtube.

Do you have a question about dating or relationships? Ask me, I'd like to help.

Tool - Forty 6 & 2

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3 comments

Nemingha profile image

Nemingha 6 years ago

I'd say this was excellent advice!


Stacie Naczelnik profile image

Stacie Naczelnik 6 years ago from Seattle

Great advice, as always Veronica!


Veronica profile image

Veronica 6 years ago from NY Author

Thanks Nemingha & Stacie xo

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