Do You Have the Right to Snoop In Your Boyfriend's or Girlfriend's Cell Phone?
How Many Dates Equal An Unspoken Commitment?
Recently I talked with a woman of 38 years who was very upset because she discovered her boyfriend was receiving texts from another women on his cell phone. He left his cell phone behind when he went into another room and she snooped.
This woman had been seeing this man for a long time and was very upset, hurt and angry that he was ‘cheating’ on her. She could think of nothing except how to find out the identity of who the woman was who was sending her boyfriend texts, and of then getting even with her.
Not long after I talked with this woman, a different woman in her mid to late 40s came to my attention. She had gone out on 3 or 4 dates with the same man in a two to three week time span, and decided he must be serious about her (translation – interested in marriage) to invite her out so many times. She told the man she thought it was time they had a talk.
Both of these women have one thing in common even though their situations are different. Neither of them had received a commitment from the men involved. Both had made assumptions about their relationships that were not factual. Both were old enough to know better than to jump to conclusions such as they did.
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Are You Setting Yourself Up For Disappointment and Hurt?
It is always unwise to assume anything about anything, but to imagine that a man wants and intends marriage because he has been ‘seeing’ you for several weeks or months, or even years, is especially unwise. To imagine a man wants or intends marriage because he has invited you out several times in a short period of time is also often wishful thinking.
Unless a man actually tells you he is serious about your relationship and hopes it will culminate in marriage, a wise woman will continue to date other men and to go on about her life as though she is going to be single for the foreseeable future – and in fact that is the case. If a man has not told you he is serious about your relationship and its future, you are only entertaining your own desires if you imagine something that in fact does not exist.
Getting upset because a man is dating, texting, or spending time with other women when he has not made a commitment to you is a waste of time. Limiting yourself to being faithful to a man when you have no stated commitment from him is foolish.
If you want a serious relationship and you do not have it with the man you have been seeing for a long time, then you too should be spending time with other men, or at least pursuing other interests. Do not manufacture a situation that does not exist. Do not assume you will one day be married to your longtime friend, or that he is not seeing other women if he has not made a clear commitment to you.
Do not manufacture in your own mind a serious relationship or imminent marriage to a man simply because he has invited you out several times. He may simply enjoy your company and nothing more. A lot of men find ‘the talk’ scary, and there is no quicker way to run a man off than to tell him it is time for a talk when you have only just begun to date and to get to know each other.
Give Time A Chance
As a proponent of letting time take its course, and allowing events to unfold in their own good time, I have always liked to play it loose. If a serious relationship is in the cards, time will bring it about. Time allows you to get to know each other and make sure you really are compatible, and that you share the same values and goals.
Nothing seems so desperate as someone trying to pressure another person into making a commitment they may not be ready to make. Until a clear commitment is made and agreed to by both parties, one should go on about their life as if they were exactly who they are – single, unattached, and free to do as they wish.
Do Not Blame Other People For Your Own Foolishness In Imagining Things That Do Not Exist
Do not waste time trying to think up ways to get even with another woman, or another man, when no commitment has been made. You have no right to do that, and it is always lacking class even when you do have a commitment. The person you need to be dealing with is not the other woman, or the other man, as I point out in my hub titled, “Why Are You Blaming The Other Woman?”
Much unhappiness and heartbreak can be avoided by simply not making assumptions about your relationship in the first place. When he tells you he is not serious about your relationship, believe him. If he tells you he is not ready to settle down, believe him. Do not imagine you will change him with time and effort. You will only frustrate yourself and find yourself crying and putting on weight while you eat gallons of ice cream to comfort yourself when he tells you he is going to be married – to somebody else.
No matter how much you may want something, do not 'want' it into existence in your own mind. What exists in your own mind often does not exist anywhere else. You are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt if you imagine a relationship into being that in fact does not exist. Be practical and realistic for your own sake.
Enjoy your time together if that is tenable, and keep looking toward your own future without him in it until he has made a clear and definite commitment. Do not push him to make a commitment, especially if you have only been dating for only a few months.
Continue to live your life apart from him so that if he decides not to be a part of your life at some point, you will not be left with a huge block of emptiness to try to fill.
Be realistic ladies. It is always better to receive a pleasant surprise than a devastating disappointment. Do not set yourselves up for the latter.
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© 2012 C E Clark
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