Do You Have the Right to Snoop In Your Boyfriend's or Girlfriend's Cell Phone?

How Many Dates Equal An Unspoken Commitment?

Recently I talked with a woman of 38 years who was very upset because she discovered her boyfriend was receiving texts from another women on his cell phone. He left his cell phone behind when he went into another room and she snooped.

This woman had been seeing this man for a long time and was very upset, hurt and angry that he was ‘cheating’ on her. She could think of nothing except how to find out the identity of who the woman was who was sending her boyfriend texts, and of then getting even with her.

Not long after I talked with this woman, a different woman in her mid to late 40s came to my attention. She had gone out on 3 or 4 dates with the same man in a two to three week time span, and decided he must be serious about her (translation – interested in marriage) to invite her out so many times. She told the man she thought it was time they had a talk.

Both of these women have one thing in common even though their situations are different. Neither of them had received a commitment from the men involved. Both had made assumptions about their relationships that were not factual. Both were old enough to know better than to jump to conclusions such as they did.

Are You Setting Yourself Up For Disappointment and Hurt?

It is always unwise to assume anything about anything, but to imagine that a man wants and intends marriage because he has been ‘seeing’ you for several weeks or months, or even years, is especially unwise. To imagine a man wants or intends marriage because he has invited you out several times in a short period of time is also often wishful thinking.

Unless a man actually tells you he is serious about your relationship and hopes it will culminate in marriage, a wise woman will continue to date other men and to go on about her life as though she is going to be single for the foreseeable future – and in fact that is the case. If a man has not told you he is serious about your relationship and its future, you are only entertaining your own desires if you imagine something that in fact does not exist.

Getting upset because a man is dating, texting, or spending time with other women when he has not made a commitment to you is a waste of time. Limiting yourself to being faithful to a man when you have no stated commitment from him is foolish.

If you want a serious relationship and you do not have it with the man you have been seeing for a long time, then you too should be spending time with other men, or at least pursuing other interests. Do not manufacture a situation that does not exist. Do not assume you will one day be married to your longtime friend, or that he is not seeing other women if he has not made a clear commitment to you.

Do not manufacture in your own mind a serious relationship or imminent marriage to a man simply because he has invited you out several times. He may simply enjoy your company and nothing more. A lot of men find ‘the talk’ scary, and there is no quicker way to run a man off than to tell him it is time for a talk when you have only just begun to date and to get to know each other.

Give Time A Chance

As a proponent of letting time take its course, and allowing events to unfold in their own good time, I have always liked to play it loose. If a serious relationship is in the cards, time will bring it about. Time allows you to get to know each other and make sure you really are compatible, and that you share the same values and goals.

Nothing seems so desperate as someone trying to pressure another person into making a commitment they may not be ready to make. Until a clear commitment is made and agreed to by both parties, one should go on about their life as if they were exactly who they are – single, unattached, and free to do as they wish.

Do Not Blame Other People For Your Own Foolishness In Imagining Things That Do Not Exist

Do not waste time trying to think up ways to get even with another woman, or another man, when no commitment has been made. You have no right to do that, and it is always lacking class even when you do have a commitment. The person you need to be dealing with is not the other woman, or the other man, as I point out in my hub titled, “Why Are You Blaming The Other Woman?”

Much unhappiness and heartbreak can be avoided by simply not making assumptions about your relationship in the first place. When he tells you he is not serious about your relationship, believe him. If he tells you he is not ready to settle down, believe him. Do not imagine you will change him with time and effort. You will only frustrate yourself and find yourself crying and putting on weight while you eat gallons of ice cream to comfort yourself when he tells you he is going to be married – to somebody else.

Be Realistic

No matter how much you may want something, do not 'want' it into existence in your own mind. What exists in your own mind often does not exist anywhere else. You are setting yourself up for disappointment and hurt if you imagine a relationship into being that in fact does not exist. Be practical and realistic for your own sake.

Enjoy your time together if that is tenable, and keep looking toward your own future without him in it until he has made a clear and definite commitment. Do not push him to make a commitment, especially if you have only been dating for only a few months.

Continue to live your life apart from him so that if he decides not to be a part of your life at some point, you will not be left with a huge block of emptiness to try to fill.

Be realistic ladies. It is always better to receive a pleasant surprise than a devastating disappointment. Do not set yourselves up for the latter.

Share Your Opinion

Have you ever snooped in someone's cell phone?

  • If I have to 'check up' on someone I'm thinking of making a major, permanent part of my life, and I already can't trust them, what does that say about our relationship?
  • I just like to know what the people around me are doing. Don't leave your phone accessible if you don't want people to snoop.
  • I snoop in phones, letters, computers, anywhere I can. The secrets people hide can be pretty interesting.
  • Never! I would never do such a thing. It's just wrong.
  • Absolutely! If I am going to have a serious relationship with this person I have the right to know everything about them.
See results without voting

© 2012 C E Clark

More by this Author


Comments 33 comments

Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 months ago from North Texas Author

Shyron, thank you for sharing your thoughts on this issue. Hope all is well at your house. Take care . . .


Robert Sacchi profile image

Robert Sacchi 4 months ago

You're welcome. I voted. May this increase your hits on this article.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 months ago from North Texas Author

Robert Sacchi, thank you for commenting! The poll capsule wasn't available when I first wrote this article, but I have taken your advice and added a poll just now. Be sure to vote!


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 4 months ago

I don't believe in snooping, I don't snoop in hubby's cell phone or his wallet.

I do hope all is well with you.

Blessings and hugs dear friend


Robert Sacchi profile image

Robert Sacchi 4 months ago

Interesting Hub. It is easy to assume more, or less, in a relationship than what is actually there. Did you consider adding a poll for your snooping question?


Au fait profile image

Au fait 15 months ago from North Texas Author

Paula (fpherj48), agree with you entirely! Thank you for taking time to read and comment.


fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 15 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Snooping is a "creepy" habit, no matter what you're sneaking around to discover. Violations of privacy are serious offenses, even in our own homes. How about a little respect for one another? BTW, a sense of trust can go a long way too.

If I felt I had to snoop into a phone, or car, or wallet or drawers for some sort of damning evidence against someone in my life, it's time to seriously re-evaluate the relationship.

The only exception I can possibly think of would be if a person suspected possible harm to another or worse, the suspicion of criminal activity. Then check what you must and take action. Time to jump ship too!

Typically superb work, Au fait.........Peace, Paula


Au fait profile image

Au fait 15 months ago from North Texas Author

Moonlake, thank you for taking time to share your wisdom! I agree that if 2 people start out distrusting each other, what future does their relationship really have? I was taught from the time that I was a little bitty girl that some things are private and just as no one better be getting into my mother's purse (or mine), neither do we get into their purse or wallet -- or cell phone. There were no cell phones back then, but if there had been, snooping in it would have been off limits. Thank you again. So good to hear from you!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 15 months ago from North Texas Author

Peggy W, thank you for sharing your thoughts and this article! Agree with what you say. If a person doesn't have trust even while dating or engaged, why would marriage increase their trust? Everyone needs some space and often you get from people what you expect.


moonlake profile image

moonlake 15 months ago from America

52 years of marriage I never snooped into my husband's wallet or phone. He didn't have email. He also never snooped into my stuff. We trusted each other. I think that was part of why our marriage lasted so long.

If girlfriend or boyfriend start out snooping it's never going to work. Shared your hub.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 15 months ago from Houston, Texas

Trust once shattered is a hard thing to rebuild. Even today after approaching almost 45 years of marriage, I would never think to go and read my husband's emails or look at his cell phone messages not that either of us has anything to hide...or if asked...would not share readily. Some things are just understood and are a matter of old fashioned courtesy. Sharing this once again.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 21 months ago from North Texas Author

Tillsontitan, thank you for reading and commenting on this article and for the votes! I appreciate your common sense. You are so right that when trust is lacking very often the relationship goes south.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 21 months ago from North Texas Author

PegCole17, thank you for reading and commenting on this article, so good to see you again! Agree with what you say. I think jumping to conclusions can end a relationship before it gets a good start.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 21 months ago from North Texas Author

Peachpurple, thank you for reading and commenting on this article. I hesitate to get into marital issues, but I will say that I believe Tillsontitan said it well when she said, "Trust is just as important as love. If either is missing the relationship is doomed."

I've noticed some men, usually older ones, but not necessarily older ones, imagine that a wife is property or livestock. My second husband got into my purse one day when we were arguing and that was a no-no. Growing up, I was taught that no one gets into a woman's purse or a man's wallet without their knowledge AND their permission.

That was non-negotiable all my life in all my relationships. If I wanted to know something I would ask and expect the truth. If I discovered at some point I had not received the truth, I never believed a word from that mouth again. Relationships don't usually do well without trust, and if one has been lied to, trust goes out the window.

How can you love someone you don't respect? If one is snooping into their spouse's wallet, purse, cell phone, or other, is that being respectful? If you believe that person is disloyal, unfaithful, or otherwise hiding important things from you, why would you want to be married to such a person?

A lot of men believe it is their prerogative to have relationships with other women even while they are married, but they won't tolerate it if their wives do the same, or so they say. They are all the more adamant if they are paying all the bills, which is one of the reasons feminists recommend you have a career -- so you won't be beholden to someone who treats you disrespectfully and badly. When you are totally dependent you are stuck.

Feminists discourage women from becoming overly dependent on a man or any one other person, because then s/he has all the power. If you don't want to find yourself in the street you will put up with whatever he dishes out. Don't let yourself get into this kind of situation to begin with.

Your husband sounds like the controlling sort and they often end up being physically abusive. I recommend that if you don't already have a source of income that is entirely your own that you get one.

If you don't need to keep messages on your phone once read, delete them immediately. It's the principle of the thing, Be prepared for a reaction from your husband if you do this, because he knows you receive messages having made it his business to regulate them, and if suddenly there aren't any . . .

The above actions could escalate what sounds to me like what is already a bad situation, so think about your marriage and what you want because doing either or both of my recommendations could mean having to seek shelter on your own.

Wishing you the best . . .


Au fait profile image

Au fait 21 months ago from North Texas Author

Paul Kuehn, thank you for reading and commenting on this article and for sharing a little of what society is like in Thailand. There are lots of possessive women -- and men -- here in this country. Once people are married it's one thing, though even then it can go too far and cause marital problems, but when there is no commitment I think it is going a little too far to imagine one has any right to know, much less control, what another person is doing.

Thank you for the shares with followers and on FB too!


tillsontitan profile image

tillsontitan 21 months ago from New York

How true, the main point here should hit home for everyone, "be realistic". I think that's the problem. Reading things into a relationship that aren't there is certainly no help to anyone.

Trust is just as important as love. If either is missing the relationship is doomed.

Voted up, useful, awesome, and interesting.


PegCole17 profile image

PegCole17 21 months ago from Dallas, Texas

Good advice for both parties in a casual relationship. These are important concepts to consider when dating. It does seem as if "the talk" can serve to scare off the potentially stronger relationship. Sometimes, if they see you as someone who is still dating other people, it makes the competition to gain your full attention stronger. When a person creates a monogamous situation out of one that is not mutual, then, as you've said, there are unrealistic expectations.


peachpurple profile image

peachpurple 21 months ago from Home Sweet Home

I felt unfair when my hubby read all my cellphone messages while i am not allowed to read his, he said he psid for my phone and the monthly bills. True. I didn't pay anything. Does he has the right?


Paul Kuehn profile image

Paul Kuehn 21 months ago from Udorn City, Thailand

Au fait, I enjoyed reading this hub and found it both interesting and useful. No, it is not right for two unmarried people to be snooping on each others cell phone just as it would be wrong to open and read their letters. In Thailand, I have found that a lot of Thai lady women are very possessive when it comes to men. If a man has sex with a woman, the woman expects a commitment from the man. Voted up and sharing with Hubpages followers and on Facebook.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you Deborah-Diane for reading, commenting, sharing your thoughts and this article also.

Agree with you, but here I am talking about people who aren't even 'partners,' but just friends who date sometimes. One of them wants or imagines there's more to their relationship than there is and gets possessive and nosy.

Everyone needs some privacy and if a person doesn't trust their significant other or spouse, then what does that say about the relationship?


Deborah-Diane profile image

Deborah-Diane 3 years ago from Orange County, California

When people snoop on their partners, they are just setting themselves up for resentment and misunderstandings. If their partner doesn't make them feel secure, no amount of snooping will change that. If their partner makes them feel secure, they won't worry about other friends their partner may have. This is well worth passing on to my followers.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 3 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you Peggy W for reading and commenting on this hub, and for voting on it and especially for sharing it. Appreciate you sharing your thoughts on this subject also.


Peggy W profile image

Peggy W 3 years ago from Houston, Texas

When I was dating there were no cell phones. I'm dating myself...I know! Ha! I agree that one should never snoop into another person's business. Dating for a long time ensures that one truly gets to know that person better through all types of circumstances which certainly bodes better for making a lifetime commitment. The latter should never be rushed. Up, useful and sharing. This is good advice.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

I don't believe the fact that a man has asked a woman out on a date, or two, or even three, gives her the right to stick her nose in his cell phone, his mail, his wallet, or anything else. I do not believe a few dates gives anyone interrogation rights. In fact, without a commitment, I think a woman keeps her nose out of his business just like she should expect him to keep his nose out of hers.

It's not an issue of secrecy, it's a matter of it being no one else's business.

Thank you for commenting, Shyron. Glad things are going so well for you!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you for your comment Nicole S.


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 4 years ago

If the text does not mean more than friendship, it would not be kept secret.

I think about this some more.


Nicole S profile image

Nicole S 4 years ago from Minnesota

Nice hub here!


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Never had much luck with either. Take care, Bob.


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Thank you for your comments and compliments Shryon!


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico

Haha...A spoon full of sugar may help the medicine go down, but not a bowl of salt!

G'night from auld England

Rx


Au fait profile image

Au fait 4 years ago from North Texas Author

Bob, you are so right, and my point was of course, getting jealous and huffy when one doesn't have a commitment in the first place is like complaining because the soup is too salty when there isn't any soup!

Thank you Bob!


Shyron E Shenko profile image

Shyron E Shenko 4 years ago

Your hubs are, insightful, as always, and I look forward to reading more from you.


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico

Well, this is a hub for the distaff set, really. But the same can apply for blokes too. One thing I have found, is that suspicions and jealousy are the most destructive force in a relationship, on both sides. Well, I'm wise now 'cause I've paid my dues.

You should NEVER pry into someones personal records and business. Reading their emails or texts or snooping in general. An embryo love can be stifled before it has lived by these controlling techniques.

So, girls, let's hear from thou.

Bob

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