Domestic Violence, A Story of Toxic Love

Is this love?

We met in high school at age fifteen. We hit it off and fell in love. Our life together was great. You started to become jealous when I would hang out with my friends. My friends told me you were no good and to get away. I didn't listen to them. Instead I got away from them because I was convinced they were the jealous ones not you. Even your mother told me to run. Her words also meant nothing to me. She just didn't want you involved with me. We graduated high school, moved in with each other, life just couldn't get any better. We had our fights. A lot of harsh and nasty words would be said, but with fights also came making up. You were my everything. All I have is you. I had cut every other person out of my life. It just seemed like everyone was jealous of what we had. Part of me thought they wanted you. All my friends are a distant memory now, but who cares I have the best man in the world.

Years have passed we are now nineteen. I just gave birth to our first daughter. I am so glad we are now a family. Our daughter is growing so fast, but so is your temper. You are now drinking a lot more and your anger is growing. Now I have two babies to care for, you and her. Cleaning up after you all night and caring for her all day. I have no one to help me because they all left me years ago. I feel alone. I know this is just a phase. Will it end soon?

Here we are again, our son is born. Now it is just the four us. Life is a little easier now because we made amends with you mother. I don't feel so alone now. You stopped drinking for me and the kids, everything is wonderful. A couple of nasty verbal fights a month, but I can deal with that. Anything is better than dealing with you drunk. You are not as much of a slob now.

Our children are growing everyday. So is your temper again. You quit your job, but that is OK. Now we have more time together. But with more time together the recipe for disaster grows. We are now fighting everyday. You keep telling me I ruined your life. I am ugly, crazy, and no good. If it wasn't for me you would have your life together. But instead I destroyed your life, I gave birth to two children who also hold you back. You want a different life. My heart is hurting.

Eventually our nasty verbal fights aren't enough for you. You break my arm. I go to the ER and lie. I am relieved that they didn't realize I was lying. When I got home you promised to never lay your hands on me again. I told you how sorry I was for making you so angry. Next time you need a drink I will drop everything I am doing and I will run to get it for you. Times are still tough without you working, I need to find a job. Now the roles are reversed. You are watching the kids, and I am bringing home the money. We are living good again. The happiness is short lived. The kids are too much for you. You are spending my paychecks on alcohol and drugs. What is wrong with me? I am handing you all my money. I am skipping bills and shopping cheap. We barely have enough food. I am hoping you will stop.

Our lives could not be any worse right now. We are now thirty years old. The abuse is at is peak. You make sure to hit me where no one can see the bruises. The cops are here every night time and time again. Why won't they help me? They keep telling me I have to press charges. I can't hurt you because I love you too much. The children are starting to wonder why daddy is screaming all the time and why mommy is always crying. He tells them mommy made him mad. He apologizes to me one minute, but tells me its my fault the next. All I do is try to make you happy. I am sick. This is toxic love.

The drinking and drug abuse is now completely out of control. So is the rest of our lives. I had to hire a babysitter for the children, cause I don't trust you alone with them anymore. I am afraid you will leave them home alone or forget they are there with you. My babysitter knows what is going on. She tells me she is behind me no matter what I need. If I need her to take me for a PFA I could call her at anytime. She seen some of my bruises. It sickens her to know what I have to deal with. She is really concerned. Knowing that I have some support I take the steps to leave him. We are broken up for the first time in our lives. I feel strong. I am going to do this. I don't need him to get by in life, I deserve real love.

Three weeks later I run into you again. My heart shatters. How could I miss you? I call you. You tell me how we left you alone. Me and the children are all you ever wanted. It was my fault you were going with other girls. I can't bear to be away from you. I go back. Things are great for a couple of hours. I told you I have work the next day. All of a sudden I am fat, ugly, no good, and disgusting. The other girls you could have are so much better than me, and they will appreciate you more. I do my best to try and change your mind about me. I go to bed with you. My skin crawls every time you touch me. I tell myself this will pass, I am only feeling this way because you were with the other girls. I try to forget the way I feel while in bed with you but I can't. Every time your hand touches any part of my body I want to die. I am crawling inside and out. Soon you realize I am not comfortable. You punch me so hard that it feels like my body ripped apart. I begin screaming. You get scared and start to apologize. You say you will never do it again. But something snaps inside of you.  Now it is my fault you punched me and you are no longer sorry because I deserve it. I ruined your life. I took away your freedom. Why should you be with an ungrateful girl when you could have a nice girl? I love you. I beg you to stay.

Things are better now. You have not laid your hands on me in awhile. The verbal and emotional abuse it at its peak. This kind of abuse doesn't leave any marks on the outside though. It will get better eventually. One day you will stop drinking and come to your senses. Then we could be happy. I know I am not a worthless, but why can't you see that? I know you don't  mean the awful things you say. You are just going through a rough patch in life, we all have them, you need me right now.  But deep inside I need you.

I just quit my job. Now we have time to work though our differences. I know other people got through our same situation. They are happy because they got past the fights. What me and you have is real love?  Or am I just caught up in the cycle of domestic violence? Do we have toxic love??

I hope our children understand this is not love. I hope our children do not find their own toxic love. I hope I get out of this one day while I am still alive. I hope for you to die, because I am starting to feel that is my only way out....

Facts and Resources

Domestic Violence has a lot of different faces. It can be any or all of the following

  • Psycological and Emotional Abuse
  • Social Abuse
  • Financial Abuse
  • Physical Abuse
  • Sexual Abuse

Statistics

  • One in every four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime.
  • 85% of domestic violence victims are women
  • Females who are 20-24 years of age are at the greatest risk of nonfatal intimate partner violence
  • Witnessing violence between one's parents or caretakers is the strongest risk factor of transmitting violent behavior from one generation to the next.

If you or anyone you know is a victim of domestic violence contact your local domestic violence agency. They can help you with shelter and safety, safely planning, legal advice, and other direct victim services.

 

For Immediate Assistance

 National Domestic Violence Hotline

1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or

1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

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Comments 6 comments

Sweetsusieg profile image

Sweetsusieg 6 years ago from Michigan

Wow... This hub says it all doesn't it? If this is about you, I hope you found your way out of it. Toxic Love is no good for anyone.


JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania Author

Thank you Sweetsusieg. No this is not about me but I did write it about a situation someone I know is experiencing. I do know there are alot of people going through similar situations. I hope it lets others know they are not alone!!!


Momgramwriter profile image

Momgramwriter 6 years ago

Wow what an amazing article and gave me chills and tears.


JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania Author

Momgramwriter - Sorry for causing tears as you read it, but I am glad you where able to feel the emotions I tried to put into this as I wrote it.


LaurieDawn profile image

LaurieDawn 6 years ago

What a sad story. I lived that same life, and I pray to whomever it is, that they get out safe and sound. You wrote it very well Jill, and thank you for putting it out there for people to realize they are not alone! A taboo subject that many do not want to talk about, but the more we educate people, and the more we talk about it, hopefully it will give people courage.

Voted up for you for putting it out there, and very well written.

Blessings,

Laurie


JillKostow profile image

JillKostow 6 years ago from Pennsylvania Author

LaurieDawn--Thank you for reading and commenting. It is a taboo subject that needs to be talked about more. People find courage when they know they are not alone, it is when people feel ashamed and alone that they are afraid. Even if you do not personally know someone just the thought that someone else went through a similar situation can give you the strength and courage you need to take control for yourself!! If we can erase the fear and shame of abuse we can regain control and erase the abusers!!!! If we no longer tolerate abuse there will be no one left to abuse!!!

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