Is anybody there ? My divorce is killing me...

What I hate about you

 

Someday

 Somewhere out there in cyberspace, I imagine someone sitting in front of a computer, typing the word "hope" into a search engine, seeking just a moment of encouragement, a reason to hang in there, a voice that says "don't give up today."

Weathering a divorce is hard enough, but when you are totally alone it is even worse.
Weathering the surprises can be tough, too, like the silence you may face about your divorce. People don’t show up at the door with casseroles as they would if your spouse had died. And yet, emotionally, a divorce can feel like a kind of death.

I feel this way. I feel like I am at a loss, even when my best online friends tell me I will be ok, and that it was his loss. Maybe I feel horrible because he doesn't feel a loss. That may be it, right now, I wish that he missed me and was miserable without me. But then we go back to that, be careful what you wish for thing. I WISHED he was gone a thousand times from the things that happened while we were together, and then it happened. I asked HIM to leave, but I am hurt and a mess.

The loneliest place in the world is to be married and lonely. Why should it feel different if they were never really around and then move out. Lonely is Lonely.

A therapist said that when people are impacted hard by something like this and just can't get past it to strap a dummy to your back. This dummy is your pain, loss, misery. Carry around this dummy on your back until you realize that this dummy is keeping you a prisoner, you just keep carrying it around until you can't bear it any longer. They say to write a forgiveness letter to your ex. Don't send it just write it.

I guess I have been dragging this dummy around on my back long enough, but I am not ready to write that letter yet. Maybe I will work on that tonight!

I think it may be that I feel left behind. He moved on right away and did it without a blink of the eye. Meaning to me that nothing we had was ever worth anything.

So, I am really wondering how long I will keep posting these blogs. Surely I will just wake up one day and look back, like other things in my life, and just know it is gone...over...never more.

I hope that day comes soon.

10 things i hate about you

 Ok, so it says make a list....I am making it. Did you ever see that movie 10 things I hate about you. She makes this poem of why she hates this guy but she really loves him. I know that is not the objective of my blog. I am supposed to remind myself of the reasons why things were bad.

I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don't
hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.



So here is my 10 things:

I hate it when you would rather be with your friends every night than at home with
your family.

I hate it when you have to get drunk to even be ok with coming home to your family.

I hate it when you tell people all of the bad things we argue about so they take your
side and I don't have a chance to defend myself at all.

I hate it when you said that you never had anything you wanted in life when we were
together, and that you would never have anything because of me and the kids.

I hate it when you cheat on me, and then tell me you are sorry. And don't mean it.

I hate it when all of the happiness in your life is about you and not about anyone else.

I hate it when I can't compete with all of the others in your life telling you that you should
not be married or have children, when they are all married and have children.

I hate it when you call me names.

I hate it that it was not fixable and that it wasn't worth fixing.

I hate it that I lost and you won.

I hate it when you just gave up and thought that your life would be better without us.


So, there is my 10 things.
I could have probably done 100 but what the heck
I will stop here.

You know what is funny, I have always told the kids
never to use that word. I hate that word. HATE.
Seems so funny to me to use it, but I guess if it
helps, then it helps.

Have a wonderful day.

Love Deb

Comments 16 comments

Ben Zoltak profile image

Ben Zoltak 6 years ago from Lake Mills, Jefferson County, Wisconsin USA

Hey Deb, I've been in your place before in many ways. I'd take your list one step further, and print it and burn it as more catharsis. Sounds crazy but why not?

For some reason watching all that hate go up in smoke helps, it's as though watching it get destroyed physically helps a person move forward.

From your writing it's obvious you are creative and talented, as well as nurturing to your family. Pair that with your bright smile and there's got to be a thousand men nearby more deserving of your company than the one you clearly deserved to ask to leave.

So buck up Buckaroo, it takes awhile to find a good one, but they're out there.

Ben


Green Lotus profile image

Green Lotus 6 years ago from Atlanta, GA

Oh Deb your Hub touched my heart. You are going through some fire right now but you're on the right path. With your talent and spirit you'll beat off the flames.

I'm happy to become your fan. Welcome to the Hubpage community...and please accept my virtual casserole :)


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 6 years ago from California Gold Country

I as thinking of sending the virtual casserole as well.

You are, at least, in the process of sorting things out. It sounds like a big job, one that must be done before every move. No matter how things pan out, you will be moving on with your life. Remember to take care of yourself.


max 6 years ago

Wow You seem to have written exactly how i feel. I too hope I can move on.....soon

Thank you


M Cassian profile image

M Cassian 6 years ago from Central California, USA

I have one thing to say, and I hope it finds you well. But honestly, Deb, from what I'm reading, he doesn't deserve you. He may have said that he loved you, but saying it and doing it are completely different things, and take different amounts of effort that are on opposite sides of the spectrum. You need someone who is willing to die for you. It's the simple, honest, truth. Grace to you!


cathinfrance 6 years ago

Deb - so sorry you're going through this. Lots of us have been there. :-( The bad news is it takes a lot of time toget through it - the good news is you WILL get through it. If you want to talk to others going through all this right now then google the midlife wives club. You'll hear lots of similar experiences and get lots of support - it's a great site - I used it two and a half years ago when my X of 19 years ran away like a scalded cat. LOL! He was in an acute midlife crisis. Sounds like your H may be too, since you and the kids have to be blamed for choices HE made freely. The site can give you lots of really great advice - for instance, it's HIS MLC - you're not to blame for his restlessness, cheating and dissatisfaction. So, hard though it is, try not to take it personally. And eventually, when all the dust settles, he may be able to apologise sincerely and he may realise his behaviour was terrible - and he may also miss you and his kids. In the meantime you can find lots of practical and emotional support on the site - and if you feel like it you can rant! There are always people there to listen.


Gerg profile image

Gerg 6 years ago from California

Hi there - I know it feels crazy now, and may for a lot longer than you'd like it to, but life does normalize after time (and possibly a little therapy!) In the meantime, I've found writing to be very therapeutic; perhaps you will too. Hang in there! Alone does have its rewards.


Mike Lickteig profile image

Mike Lickteig 6 years ago from Lawrence KS USA

Deb, I don't think you lost and he won. He will wake up some day and discover he is an overgrown kid, lost and alone. If there are winners and losers in divorce, he will discover he is the one who lost. He lost his family. He might believe he gained his freedom (or whatever he thinks he gained), but he lost. It might take time for him to realize it, but he will.

I wish you peace.


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 6 years ago from TEXAS

Mine is in the hazy past, but I believe the way to win is to keep your own self intact, including not allowing him to taint you with bitterness or hatred. Next is taking full reponsibility. If you're like me, we were not sold into it, which means we had choice and that is the key to power!! Knowing and owning it means we have full choice NOW to handle it in our best interest - NOT wasting ourselves in futile spinning of our wheels over the reality of how it is, or in blaming or hating (or trying to punish) anyone else, no matter how much deserved.

Remember HE has to LIVE WITH HIMSELF - and you no longer do - - so don't afford him so much room in your mind, your heart or your soul as to waste any of your life on thinking about his guilt or whatever. Let it go as far as YOU are concerned. Don't even worry yourself entertaining speculation on how he will suffer someday. In fact - wish him better than he deserves. The world doesn't need more miserable people! If he can't help himself, then heaven help him. But you've spent all the effort you need to trying!

You can only let it go only by honestly realizing that you made a bad choice but you can unchoose it in any amount, effect or capacity now - if you will just choose to be finished with it mentally as well as physically. You'll reap rewards in better health from now on, a much happier outlook & receptivity for better things!

Good luck, m'dear!!


Heidi 6 years ago

Hi Deb,

there is HOPE! There is help and support - you're not alone! Check out Divorce Recovery Workshop (google DRW or divorce recovery workshop), a UK National Charity that supports people experiencing the pain and grief through separation and divorce. It helped me face the emotional pain and I have moved on!. Try it. Heidi


Laura in Denver profile image

Laura in Denver 6 years ago from Aurora

Hang in there, Deb. Time does heal all wounds. Or, at least it hurts substantially less!

The dummy actually sounds like a good idea because bad feelings directed at anyone else hurt the one doing it more. A reminder.


you can't unring the bell 6 years ago

As said this situation will be past history. He lost and you win!!! Now you have the reason to do all those things you always wanted to do like exercise et.....

Get going girl. Lots of life out there and it is good to be alive! And there is always hope!


tlmntim9 5 years ago

This said it all to me...The loneliest place in the world is to be married and lonely.

Wish my words could help, thy won't.

God bless you and just know, this I can assure you, in time it WILL pass.

Tim W

tlmntim9


Brenda 4 years ago

Deb,

i have the same problem i think about ending everyday and I'm getting closer. I stopped the lawsuit and have given up. After 24 yrs he can keep all the property i just want the pain to stop


Kathy 4 years ago

Deb, i feel the same.its killing me, my ex spouse left me homeless, cheated on me, yet i still love him. I cant see past this blackness. :(


sonia 3 years ago

I feel the same way too. It kills, I came to this site cos of the pain I was feeling. Other people don't understand and think I should be ok by now. It's been three weeks. Why are people so insensitive. It's easy for them to say that but they did not spend 15 years with the guy. I am in a dark tunnel, I need to see some light. Thanks for all your posts.

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