Is anybody there ? My divorce is killing me...
What I hate about you
Somewhere out there in cyberspace, I imagine someone sitting in front of a computer, typing the word "hope" into a search engine, seeking just a moment of encouragement, a reason to hang in there, a voice that says "don't give up today."
Weathering a divorce is hard enough, but when you are totally alone it is even worse.
Weathering the surprises can be tough, too, like the silence you may face about your divorce. People don’t show up at the door with casseroles as they would if your spouse had died. And yet, emotionally, a divorce can feel like a kind of death.
I feel this way. I feel like I am at a loss, even when my best online friends tell me I will be ok, and that it was his loss. Maybe I feel horrible because he doesn't feel a loss. That may be it, right now, I wish that he missed me and was miserable without me. But then we go back to that, be careful what you wish for thing. I WISHED he was gone a thousand times from the things that happened while we were together, and then it happened. I asked HIM to leave, but I am hurt and a mess.
The loneliest place in the world is to be married and lonely. Why should it feel different if they were never really around and then move out. Lonely is Lonely.
A therapist said that when people are impacted hard by something like this and just can't get past it to strap a dummy to your back. This dummy is your pain, loss, misery. Carry around this dummy on your back until you realize that this dummy is keeping you a prisoner, you just keep carrying it around until you can't bear it any longer. They say to write a forgiveness letter to your ex. Don't send it just write it.
I guess I have been dragging this dummy around on my back long enough, but I am not ready to write that letter yet. Maybe I will work on that tonight!
I think it may be that I feel left behind. He moved on right away and did it without a blink of the eye. Meaning to me that nothing we had was ever worth anything.
So, I am really wondering how long I will keep posting these blogs. Surely I will just wake up one day and look back, like other things in my life, and just know it is gone...over...never more.
I hope that day comes soon.
10 things i hate about you
Ok, so it says make a list....I am making it. Did you ever see that movie 10 things I hate about you. She makes this poem of why she hates this guy but she really loves him. I know that is not the objective of my blog. I am supposed to remind myself of the reasons why things were bad.
I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don't
hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.
So here is my 10 things:
I hate it when you would rather be with your friends every night than at home with
I hate it when you have to get drunk to even be ok with coming home to your family.
I hate it when you tell people all of the bad things we argue about so they take your
side and I don't have a chance to defend myself at all.
I hate it when you said that you never had anything you wanted in life when we were
together, and that you would never have anything because of me and the kids.
I hate it when you cheat on me, and then tell me you are sorry. And don't mean it.
I hate it when all of the happiness in your life is about you and not about anyone else.
I hate it when I can't compete with all of the others in your life telling you that you should
not be married or have children, when they are all married and have children.
I hate it when you call me names.
I hate it that it was not fixable and that it wasn't worth fixing.
I hate it that I lost and you won.
I hate it when you just gave up and thought that your life would be better without us.
So, there is my 10 things.
I could have probably done 100 but what the heck
I will stop here.
You know what is funny, I have always told the kids
never to use that word. I hate that word. HATE.
Seems so funny to me to use it, but I guess if it
helps, then it helps.
Have a wonderful day.