It's Always Complicated
We argue a lot. We argue about the things he says. He puts words in my mouth. He misrepresents me to others. He twist the things that I say. We don't really have a great relationship at all. Sometimes he's complicated. It's often hard to keep up with all the things he needs to stay connected. Sometimes he is so very disconnected. There are areas where he refuses to communicate at all. Sometimes he's a lot of fun. He has the best games when I'm bored. He tries his best to keep me connected to friends and family. He invest most of his energy on me but sometimes that's not enough for me. Sometimes he'll spend all his energy on me on all the things that I don't really need and then when I do need him he is completely spent. It's like he has nothing else to give for the day and it doesn't matter how important it is, he needs to recharge his batteries alone. Maybe I'm demanding, but that gets so frustrating. I feel like I can't be without him. He gives me a false sense of security and control but he is completely unreliable sometimes. It's a confusing relationship. We have gotten outside help and have often switched our plan to get a better connection. We look for strong signs and signals but there are always cons and areas that just seem to be dead for us. After talking with others, we hear that there is very little difference out there. When he is completely disconnected and drained I feel like I'm dragging him around for no reason like a dead weight but I can't just leave him behind. I try things to give him energy. Against my better judgement, I try to reconnect knowing he isn't ready yet. We can't go anywhere when he gets like that. We just sit around and wait till he is good and ready. Resting at night doesn't seem to be enough for him. Sometimes things work out in a way where I need to leave him behind and on those days I feel so free. I feel like there is less drama in my life, less obligation. It feels good to let go of all these things that feel so urgent when he is around. I feel like I can get more done without his distraction and neediness but I can't think of my days without him. It's such a complicated mess but I know I will always have him or someone like him in my life. He is my link to the world around me and has become a necessity. It may be toxic at times but I take the good with the bad and there are a lot of conveniences. I do live (love) him after all. So what he drives me nuts and can't spell... Whose phone is perfect anyway?
© 2015 Lissette
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