Ms Fix-It: A Woman's Need To Fix Her Relationship

The Tools For Fixing

Besides diet fads, relationship books and guides are the next best thing you can waste your money on. If you want to make money, write a book about how women can fix their relationships or become the next Dr. Laura- it's only coincidence that my name is Laura. If you want to waste money, buy a book about how to fix your relationship.

Aren't there two people in the relationship? Wouldn't that make it necessary for both people to be involved when fixing the relationship? What good is it when only the woman reads the books? From what I hear, there are two sides to every story and every divorce, so it would seem both people should be involved in the 'fixing'.

Rule # 1 (and only) You can't make someone love you and when you're married, you can't make the relationship work all by yourself. If you and your partner agree something needs to be fixed, read a book together or work on it together. Be sure you're in it together because many men will appease their woman by going along with her fix-it program just to maintain relationship homeostasis.

Speaking from experience, I dragged my husband (mostly my idea) to counseling because I tried fixing my previous relationship with all the 'helpful' books on the market . I learned that didn't work. After counseling with my husband didn't help, I had an epiphany; it shouldn't be up to me (only) to fix our relationship.

I've also heard of couples' workshops, and women seem to think this is a way they can work on fixing the relationship together. Wrong! Who suggested and initiated the idea and/or plans for the workshop? If the woman did, then it's just another way she's doing all the fixing.

Why All the Fixing?

Why do women feel compelled to fix their relationships? The self- help industry. Well, that and women were born for relationships. Women talk, feel, share, nurture, and listen more than men; all the perfect ingredients of a relationship. Women are defined by their relationships. If the relationships in their life are going well, then they feel successful, happy, and worthwhile. If things are going wrong, we are the women for the job.

Popular women, like Dr. Laura Schlesinger, boast book titles like 'Woman Power: Transform Your Man, Your Marriage, Your Life' or 'The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands'. The pressure is all on women to make the first move to fix the relationship. This sends a subconscious message to a woman that she is not good enough for her man to make the first move.

Take care of him and he will take care of you, but does this work with men? I would argue, no, because women are givers by nature and men are not. Men are providers and protectors, and most think if they're doing that, the woman should be happy.

Before you break out the tools, ask yourself, if things don't change, is this a relationship I want to be in forever? This question involves you only, and not fixing the other person, yourself, or the marriage. You can either accept things the way they are or you can drive yourself nuts trying to fix what isn't broken (at least form the man's point of view). If it's really broken, it's probably too far gone to fix and sadly many women continue on the road of fixing, only procrastinating the inevitable end. The wrong mentality to have is 'it's easier to fix the relationship than to leave it', but that is not solving a problem, it is masking it and living in denial.

 

Mr. Fix-It: Men and Fixing

The man's point of view on women's fixing: Do the things that need fixing really need fixing; some things yes, and most other things, no.You will always answer yes if you are either determined to make your relationship perfect or you browse the relationship, love, and self-help aisles of the book store too often. We find a flaw in the relationship so we seek a book that conveniently informs us about other possible flaws- now we're psychological self-help relationship sleuths.

Men are simple creatures; this is a good thing when it somes to the Miss Fix-It syndrome and women can learn a thing or two from them(jeez, I can't believe I just admitted that). Men aren't worrying themselves about fixing a relationship with us; they either accept us and the relationship or they don't. This perspective would also save many women the trouble of picking the wrong gentleman to marry in the first place, because she thought the famous phrase: ' I can fix that (him)' or 'he'll change', really meaning 'I'll change him'. Most of the problems men have with women is she wants to change him all the time.

Men also feel as if they're being treated like children when women try to fix them or the relationship. Women, don't waste your energy. Don't even waste the energy trying to get your man to see what he needs to fix. I have to agree with Dr. Phil on this one; you can't fix someone (or a relationship) if the other person doesn't acknowledge the problem. You can overcome that hurdle then maybe change will happen.

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Comments 16 comments

nms profile image

nms 7 years ago from Cochin

oops.......I think its 50:50 responsibility!


izettl profile image

izettl 7 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

It should be!


men are dorks profile image

men are dorks 7 years ago from Namibia

50/50 yes but us men tend to let it slide to 95/5. Men are dorks, aren't they.

That's why the seperation rate is so high...


izettl profile image

izettl 7 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks for stopping by men are dorks~ A new topic that's out there and gaining popularity is why women are leaving men for other women- the 95/5 ratio might be why.

Although I give credit to men that not everything us women try to fix actually needs to be fixed.


men are dorks profile image

men are dorks 7 years ago from Namibia

95/5:

95% of the time doing nothing, complain bout the food, nag why the kids arnt in bed cos "I want sex", watching sport on tv, drink beer, complain bout the clothes not perfectly ironed....

5% of the time give her attention...


izettl profile image

izettl 7 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

men are dorks~ even I don't have that bad of a generalization about men. ALthough, my husband knows that if he complains about anything I do for him, like cooking, then he doesn't get any dinner. Ironing? what's that?

Getting more attention than the tv or handled more than the tv remote would be nice.


shamelabboush profile image

shamelabboush 7 years ago

This is a nice Hub dear izettl. It's appreciative to cite your own marriage experience as an example. Thanks


men are dorks profile image

men are dorks 7 years ago from Namibia

tough life us men has!!!


jeanine 5 years ago

Very interesting... some men have the qualities of talking, feeling, sharing, even nurturing, and listen as well as a some women; these men are often defined by their relationships also... example... the king England, Jo lo s husband... Mariahs husband... what I have noticed is women often define what men are to be... not expecting them to be so sensitive during the courtship... yet wanting many of the qualities you've mentioned after marriage...he becomes the teachers pet basically before marriage and if this treatment is repeated and practiced finally accepts this treatment as normal... we all know the out come and it ain't pretty... yet if we see some of these qualities before marriage... we some times frowned upon them... as the guy's to clingy, to emotional, god forbid he may be gay... I'm sure it can be hard for a sensitive guy to know how much is enough and how much is to much... therefore you get the quite type... I think the line goes "oh don't mind him, he doesn't say very much... he's quiet like that" sound familiar... what if he's very aware but confused on what is needed for our circumstance... I'm in for over forty years and and madly in love... my love is strong, calm, collected yet I've discovered much to my surprise also very sensitive and when I stopped talking so much... I found a whole new side I had never seen... everyone is more interesting than we first realize... hope you allow your mate... to express themselves... I was pleasantly surprised


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jeanine~ I had to re-read this hub- it was one of my firsts years ago. Well, personally if I could get my mate away from the TV, I bet he'd have more to say, but currently the TV is doing all the talking.

I think in general women talk about relationships more and read books about them, but thats's not to say that a man brain can't be primed for relationships either. Probably not as significant though.


Jeanine 5 years ago

You are probably right... a great dream though... think about it... a man who is sensitive yet reckless... tender yet masculine... caring yet strong enough to lean on... now that's a man... oh and a great provider as well...


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jeanine~ sounds like the romance novels I read sometimes. Shhh don't tell. Actually the ones I like to read are the supernatural sort, you know vampires and fallen angels, and the like. I want a super man with a dark side.


Justsilvie 5 years ago

Good Hub! As they say we women find the perfect man, then try to change him.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Justsilvie~ very true- thank for stopping by.


Jeanine 5 years ago

All men have a dark side... some are just not dark enough to notice...lol... we all need to be needed... so when we find someone who appears to be self sustaining... we are attracted instantly...it is unique within our own person to be satisfied...


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jeanine~ I have to agree with you on the attraction to someone self-sustaining. Amazingly my husband wasn't when I met him (I liked that he needed me)and now that I'm not the main bread winner he's taken that role and really come through. It is attractive.

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