Journal: Fighting a Lonely Battle

 

Sometimes I just wonder if he knows how much it hurts to want him so bad.  I turn pages day after day just looking for some kind of comfort, some relief, some....something to fill the void where he's supposed to be.  I've got so much to give, so much that is meant for only him, and I am being forced to keep the bottle shut tight.  I know the little things are all that can be right now, but what if the little things are too small.  Everything else fits right in the puzzle except for the inkling of doubt in the corner of my mind. 

What if....that's how my sleepless nights start. What if he's changed his mind? What if I'm giving him too much or not enough of what he needs from me?  They say he's the type of man that likes a woman with some patience.  I thought I had loads of it, but I guess it's just because I never had to use it.  Some tell me he gets bored easily, but he assures me that's not true.  Others point out that he'll be changed when he comes home.  He says he has changed for the better already. 

When it comes to loving him, it's me vs. the world, and the world refuses to let me believe in fairy tales. Without him here to reassure me, I can feel the walls closing in sometimes.  I wear my heart on my sleeve and at the same time walk around in a full suit of armor ready to defend what I believe is worth fighting for.  I just wish someone else believed in it too.

Having attempted to be there for friends of all ages and kinds through their variety of problems and rough times, I now understand what it's like to have someone there, but no one that REALLY understands and can relate.  It's a frightening and difficult thing to deal with on top of whatever grief your unique problem is causing.

The thing is, I've found this struggle more difficult because I have nowhere to push the blame.  I made my own decision because I think it's the right one. I wasn't forced into anything.  My situation would be fabulous if it weren't for the distance and time apart.  My friends have been there, but they're not prying information out of me about how I feel, they're having a good time.  I don't want them to pry, I just want to feel better.  I know they won't get it the way that I do, so it's not their fault either. 

It's a crazy feeling when you feel alone and yet you're surrounded by those that love you all the time.  It makes me wonder why I'm always looking for more.  If we don't look for more then I guess we'd never reach our goals or at least be content falling short.  I love to love and be loved and that's what got me in this lonely position believe it or not. 

I met this incredible man that makes me feel on top of the world.  I smile when I'm with him and when I think of him.  I miss him while he's away.  I love the way he treats me and supports the things I want to do.  He makes me feel like there's no one else for him except for me and that matters so very much.  I am his one and only and I want him to be mine.  So I will wait for him to come home so we can have a chance at happiness where both of us have failed miserably time and time before.  I am fighting for a chance to love someone happily that will love me back just the same.

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Nater28 6 years ago

Wow. Very beautiful and vulnerable. I feel the struggle here. To be surrounded by people who love you, and yet feel like there is no one is horrible. We may not pry into whats bothering you, but we do care. We just know you dont want us to pry. Just know you do have friends that are here for you, we all love you and want you to be happy. And I hope that in your case fairy tales do come true.

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