Knowing If It's The Right Time for Him to Marry - Relationship Advice

Hubrequest:

How do I know if it's the right time for him?

3 years ago you wrote that guys will marry when it's the right time, but women when they find the right guy. I found the right guy 6 years ago, but it wasn't the right time for him. 3 years later we broke up because I couldn't wait anymore. He left the country, then I left the country. Now, 3 more years later, he's moving back to the same city where I had bought a house. I'm returning as well, 3 weeks after him. We had kept in touch - email, skype, phone - and he even came to visit me when I was in the States. He's still the right guy for me, but how will I know if it's the right time for him?

- bridget72

Dear bridget72,

Thank you for making this Hub Request for me.

I wrote that guys tend to marry when the time is right in their lives. However, women tend to try to marry when they find the guy they think is right.

In your words, you broke up with him because you "couldn't wait any more." And here you are years later, still thinking about this guy, and no closer to marriage than you were.

I don't understand the rush to get married. I don't understand why if you or any woman finds that right guy, why you can't relax and enjoy the relationship you are actually having with the right person for you. I really don't understand why after only 3 years you couldn't "wait." 

I don't have enough information here to delve into that initial issue, which will rule the outcome here. If you and he were too young then and are still too young, that's a major factor. But the big thing you need to look at is what was actually said before.

You said you "couldn't wait." Was he asking you to wait? Was he saying clearly that he wants to marry someday, that he wanted to marry you, but wanted it to be in the future at a point in time when he was actually ready? Was it really an invitation to just wait and be a partner, listening to his needs and dreams and fears, or was it something else?

Instead of asking you to just wait for him, was he saying other things? Was he saying things like, he didn't know if he wanted to get married ever. Was he saying he didn't know about the relationship you were having, he wasn't sure what he wanted.

And to go one step further was he saying more extreme solid things, like, that he didn't think he wanted to get married. Was he saying "no" and you were hearing what you wanted to hear, and have turned this into your decision that you "could not wait" when really what happened is he said no and you decided you couldn't change him.

To figure out whether or not he's ready for marriage, you have to be honest about what he actually said and wanted your first time around with him.

The key here is figuring out the difference between asking, is he now ready for something he said he wanted, or is he now more sure of something he didn't know how he felt about. Or, has he completely changed - had he said NO, and you want to know  if he's completely changed his mind, not if he's ready. 

If you're asking if he's changed, the answer is probably no.

If you're asking if he may have become clearer about things he didn't know before, only conversations with him will reveal that.

But if you honestly are asking if he's ready - if he said he wanted these things but wasn't ready, and you are trying to figure out if he is now ready for those things he said clearly that he definitely wants, then maybe there's some hope.

It definitely says something that you two have kept in touch. Thank you Skype, keeping people connected all over the world! If you were just the typical Stage 5 Clinger of an ex girlfriend to him, he would not have kept in touch. Even if you were emailing him, he wouldn't have been accepting Skype conversations with you if he didn't really want to talk with you. So, this is a superb sign that you aren't out of his system. 

Of course not knowing what actually factually occurred between the two of you before limits my ability to assess this. If he was saying to you in you relationship that he loved you like a friend, and wanted to be in your life, but did not want to marry you, then his maintaining your friendship means just that - friendship. 

I know I am repeating myself, but the clarity here is so important. Many girls decide that what they want is right. They want what they want: this particular person as a mate, marriage, children, a house, etc. Because they are so narrowminded about what they want, they are often not good partners, and don't listen to what the man in their life is actually saying he wants and believes in. So, when they said "I can't wait" or "is he ready yet" it's because they are only valuing their own goals and inflicting them on the guy. The truth is, very few of the guys in these situations are sure of what they want and are smart enough to express that they just aren't ready yet to take these steps. The odds are much greater that the guy in these situations never ever said anything along the lines of, "wait."

The most important thing you can do is replay what actually occurred in your previous relationship. What did he actually say. What does he actually want. 

Then you need to look at why you left the relationship after only 3 years. You said you "could not wait." But here you are still unmarried.  Are you unmarried because he really was the right guy for you and being impatient was a mistake? Or did you move on because that relationship was wrong, and now you are reconsidering it because you have been out there on your own for 3 years and you are clearly no closer to getting married now than you were before. So, you're looking at the closest way to get what it is you want: marriage. Not the guy in particular. But the marriage certificate you were perfectly willing to toss this guy aside for before. 

In other words, 3 years ago you chose to end your relationship so you could chase after getting married. You need to think about why you're really considering getting back together with your ex if he is open to it. Are you really thinking he is the right guy? That's a little hard to believe since you were willing to end a 3 year relationship with him because you "could not wait" and wanted to get married more than you wanted to be with him or wait for him. 

After being single for 3 years, and not closer to your goal of marriage, are you considering getting back together with him if he's open to it, only because you just want to get married and this is the shortest distance to that goal.

If you just want to get married, whomever you're with, whether it's this ex boyfriend, or someone new, you will have a unique set of challenges. You should want to be with a partner because you're in love with him, and you two compliment each other, and have lives that seem to thrive when you're together. If you had that with this guy before, it's hard to imagine throwing that away so you could go out there and find someone else to marry. And if you didn't have that before, why would you consider going back to it? Getting that piece of paper can't be more important than finding the love of your life, the partner you can walk hand in hand through this world beside. 

Take a deep breath bridget72. Be honest with yourself over what really happened during your relationship with this man. And be honest about what it is you actually want. Once you are clear, if you are honestly sure he just wasn't ready, and it's not that you are asking if he's completely changed, and if you are honestly sure that he's the right guy and not just the means to an end, then talk to him. Let him know how you feel and that you are open to trying again. If he is ready, there will be no guess work. He will let you know.

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1 comment

Robert 6 years ago

Veronica you got to the real matter. It is hard to feel analyzed sometimes. That is why people write to you. People need the truth so they can fix things. If this girl wants to get married she needs this info. I hope she will read this. She needs to think about these things. I never understand when girls say they can't wait. If he was really saying just wait she would have waited right? He probably said he did not know. Veronica is right that is very different. I wonder what really went on there.

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