Let Your Own JEALOUSY Work For YOU
I was strolling around town with a friend the other day, when I got to see by chance an old friend in college. After a little talk, my old friend had to leave to meet her relatives. The other friend that I was with was not comfortable and had a “not- so- good” mood after that. I began to wonder and asked her why, and I found out that my old friend is an ex- girlfriend of her boyfriend. I began to laugh and then I realized that I was annoying her, so I stopped and listened to what she had to say.
My friend has been harboring her own “green- eyed monster” since the very beginning of her relationship with her boyfriend. She admitted that she feels jealous over her boyfriend’s past for reasons that she could not understand. She would not even want her boyfriend to be friendly with any of his past flames or get close with female friends.
Jealousy is a normal feeling we get as human beings. There are many reasons why we get jealous, may it be in a relationship, in one’s own self fulfillment, or even between friends and even in a family.
Here are few of the reasons for feeling jealous:
FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY
This happens when one feels bitter and unhappy because of another’s advantages, possessions or luck. This is common especially in places where the crab mentality is rampant, or even if one feels that he is not doing so well with his own life.
SUSPICION OF RIVALS
This is due to feeling suspicious about a rival’s influence, especially in regard to a loved one. This is common in relationships where there is a doubt if you are the “ONLY ONE” or not. Between my friends and acquaintances, I have noticed too, that this is common in relationships where the other has a reputation for having the “roving eyes”.
HIGH DEMAND FOR LOYALTY
A high demand for exclusive loyalty or adherence may also be a cause for jealousy. This is most common to people who have experienced being deceived in a relationship or who has been exposed to such deception like knowing that one of his parents cheated on the other.
Look good and feel good
“The jealous are troublesome to others, but a torment to themselves.” (William Penn, “Some Fruits of Solitude”, 1693)
We’ve all heard before, that it is NORMAL to be jealous, but until when does it become normal? Understand that jealousy is not really an ugly emotion but always keep in mind that once it controls you and your emotions get out of hand, it becomes your disadvantage. You can cause trouble to others while you let your own self down.
Here are ways to deal with your own jealousy and start letting it work to your advantage:
IDENTIFY YOUR OWN INSECURITIES
Find ways to understand why you feel jealous each time you feel that your green- eyed monster starts conquering you. Try to realize your own insecurities. Are you feeling incompetent or less caring in a relationship? Do you feel physically ugly? Have you done things in the past that makes you think that you may be less loved by your significant other?
Start to focus on the good that you have. Keep in mind that everyone is not perfect, yet every person is gifted with positive things that make them special and unique from any one. Stop obsessing on your own imperfections, but nurture your assets. In doing this, your own jealousy helps you improve yourself instead of the usual thing that it does to you, which is putting you down by making you feel like you are a lesser person.
START COMPETING WITH YOUR SELF
Do not try to compete with others because whenever you do, you are just putting another stressor into your life making you less effective. This will also mean that you may have a lesser chance to improve your own life and you will be envious even more as you watch your perceived competitor to do better than you.
Whenever you feel envious due to your own inadequacy, start to improve your own skills and talents. Do things that will enhance your assets and start getting busy to do better than what you have done in the past.
PRACTICE GOOD COMMUNICATION
Most people get so mad whenever they feel jealous and most of the time they end up arguing with their partner. Whenever you feel so bad because of jealousy, count to ten before you let uncalled for words to come out from your mouth. Try to keep your cool and use your head before talking. Never blame your partner for feeling that way and use “I” statements when you communicate. Examples may include statements such as, “I feel bad (or jealous) because I believe that….” Or “I feel hurt because I feel jealous of…” Never use statements that put the blame to your mate right away. Most of the time, one would say statements like, “You make me feel bad because you flirt with…” or “You are so insensitive going out with…” These statements will make your partner feel like you are blaming him for what you feel. Your mate would feel that you are attacking him and of course, he would defend himself. This will spark a start of the blame game.
Keep in mind that communication should be a way to express both your feelings. Learn to give each other a chance to share how you both feel. And remember to listen with your heart and mind as you both express your thoughts, feelings and ideas. Remember not to cry in front of your partner while you are arguing, this will make him feel even worst. At this point, you don’t let your own jealousy ruin your relationship but you use it to stimulate a better communication.
STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP
Most people would say that they lose their “spark” in a relationship because they’ve been together for many years and they look for ways to reignite that spark. One of the many opportunities to do this is whenever you feel jealous. Instead of getting mad, reflect on how significant your mate is to you that you still have the fear of losing him. Express how you feel for him once again, how much you love him and that you can never imagine a life without him. This will make your partner realize that you are the same woman he fell in love with many years ago, and he will remember to be what he was the first time you met.
Whenever you feel jealous, don’t start arguing and acting like an insecure little girl. Instead, start cuddling your mate while you share the proper way to communicate your jealousy. In doing this, you spend quality time with your partner and at the same time you let him know that you are jealous because you love him that much. These things will strengthen your relationship.
in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but
too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can
be life-threatening." (Maya Angelou)
Jealousy can MAKE or BREAK YOU...
Feel Good... STOP FEELING UGLY
Things to keep in mind whenever you feel jealous:
- You don’t have to feel envious when some people have their blessings because you too have your own. You just don’t know how to appreciate your own because you are too busy being envious of others.
- If you feel jealous, do not hate the person that you perceive to be better than you. You are the one responsible for feeling bad and envious.
- You are unique, there may be also things that you have that others would really wish to own.
- You are just hurting yourself for entertaining bad feelings. Whenever you feel envious, let it work positively for you.
- You are responsible to find ways to understand why you are feeling jealous.
- Never let your own jealousy be a reason to start a fight. You are responsible to control your own emotions.
- Choose the right time and place to communicate your jealousy. Don’t be the talk of the town by making a scene just because you feel envious.
- If you are in a relationship and you feel insecure about your lover’s past flames, keep in mind that EVERYONE HAVE THEIR OWN PAST. Instead of feeling jealous and feeling bad, realize that you should be thankful for what was once for you may not have come to know your mate as what he is at the moment if it were not for what happened in the past. Remember not to dwell in the past for you might get buried there. Enjoy the here and now.
- If you are in a relationship and you have a valid first hand proof and a really plausible reason to be envious and it is really making you lose your self worth and dignity, it is about time to let go and find your own way of bringing your best out again. Stop holding on to relationships that make you feel less of a human.
Understand that it's NOBODY'S FAULT when you are envious of anyone.... the reason is within you. You just have to UNDERSTAND YOUR SELF.
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Jealousy is normal and NO ONE is free of such feelings. But, it’s not all the time that one knows how to let it work for him. Don’t let this kind of emotion put you down again, make it a way to help you become a better person. Always learn to know the tricks on how to let your feelings of envy work positively for you.
“I've spent most of my life walking under that hovering cloud, jealousy, whose acid raindrops blurred my vision and burned holes in my heart.” (Astrid Alauda)
Stop entertaining jealousy that much, start loving your self, believe that you are loveable because you are. Stay happy!
Copyright by DjBryle Works, 2010 (ALL RIGHTS RESERVED AND AUTHORIZED BY LAW)
Photo credits: Graur Codrin/ Freedigitalphotos.net; Now and Zen Photography/ Freedigitalphotos.net
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