Letter To My Ex-Husband's "Girlfriend"

What needs to be said.

I need to say this to you so I can go on with my life and fully heal.

I was his wife. Before you think that I’m the wicked ex wife who was a bitch to my husband, you need to think again. I’m a real person, with real feelings. I was the woman who was married to him and lived with him, despite the fact that he took off his wedding ring claiming it was a “sin” to wear gold, threw out the TV set, demeaned me with negative statements, and showed little joy with me in my accomplishments. I heard “.that’s not appropriate” many times.

My depth of pain

You will never know the depth of pain that he caused me. Despite what he told you, he gave me no choice but to get out of his house and go to my Dad’s. He acted cold and indifferent by his hateful attitude and hostility toward me. I tried with everything in me to make him happy without losing my identity.

I was good to him during our marriage, treated him with kindness, and tried to give him my affection, despite the wall he placed around himself. He was very much in love with me at one time, until he chose to allow anger and resentment to destroy his love for me. I loved him unconditionally, but his love for me was conditional only if I lived up to his expectations. I doubt he has changed.

The truth is that he would not communicate with me because he was withdrawn into himself, shut me out, and kept me at arm’s length.

I was still in the picture

We were in contact with each other, regularly, during the separation. I called him when my father went into Hospice care. I called to ask for his support, a prayer, a thought, or a reassurance. I was still his wife despite the separation. I was facing intense grief and sadness. His father in law (my Dad) was going downhill. He couldn’t give me anything but words with no depth; he sounded ‘preoccupied’ and now know why. I was hoping for a chance to reconcile with him. But you were already in the picture.

Remember this: he still had a wife who needed him and asked for his support. He never once called to check on me after that phone call or any other time during the separation. Instead of helping his wife, he chose to focus his attention on a woman he felt needed his help more. There is a huge ‘sensitivity chip’ missing in him.


He wanted to "help" and rescue somebody else....

By his own admission, he said his motive with you was to “help you”….for whatever upset you had at the time. I’ve been deeply hurt that he chose to ‘help’ you, instead of me, during the stretch of time my father’s health declined.

So how do you think I felt? I could hate forever, but I’m a caring, loving, compassionate woman who fell in love with the boy who had a crush on me in grade-school. I resent the hell out of the fact he tried to replace me, with you, while he was still married to me.

He claims to be in love with you. I resent it, but accept it. You are wise to be cautious. I’m not here to sabotage anything; this is for me and freeing myself from the torment I’ve had for years. He had a spiritual obligation to me. HE WANTED a divorce, not me. He chose to turn his back….refused counsel with his or my pastor, refused counseling altogether. After years of grasping for crumbs of attention and acknowledgement, I was emotionally drained and empty from a lack of compassion from the man I committed my life to.

My feelings were numb and held back

You may wonder why I act like I care now…. Because I couldn’t feel ANYTHING for 2 ½ years while I lived out of suitcase at my Dad’s, pushing my feelings for my husband under the rug, working a job I hated, tending to the care of an aging parent, and taking my emotions at face value; while HE adjusted to life without me. I did not feel anything until the day the divorce was final

I tried to reach a settlement to get some kind of compensation for what I had invested in the marriage. He stated: “you abandoned me”. That is bull shit. He abandoned me years ago. Do not believe that I walked out because I wanted to. Of course, there is no way to get back what I lost emotionally because, in the end, I gave him exactly what he wanted. He sacrificed nothing to marry me; I gave up everything and walked away with NOTHING.

I'm left with nothing.

I have a great emptiness inside. I invested my emotions, heart, hard-earned money, and life into our home. I walked away with a hole in my heart and material items I brought into the marriage, which was not much, since I sold everything I owned to begin a life with him.

I gave him what he wanted: to get out of his life. I wish no other woman to suffer the humiliation I’ve had. This is not retaliation, this is truth and healing. The depth of my pain can never be measured.

What About You?

Have you been betrayed by the man you pledged your life to?

  • Yes.
  • No.
  • I'm not sure, but am working on it.
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Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 7 months ago from England

I am so sorry you had to go through this. I would swear but as we are on here I won't. you must not waste one more second on that ungrateful b'''d! he is not worth it. You have your own life now, and don't let him coming crawling back when she kicks him out, and she will because a leopard never changes its spots! revenge? get yourself a nice guy, and tell your ex to do one!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 7 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

I have no magic words for you except that I am very sorry you've had such pain.....you clearly did not deserve.

I can only hope that you now have the strength & confidence to go forward to a better life. Let your heart & mind heal fully before you step into another relationship with anyone. You are valuable and worthy of love & respect. Never forget that for a moment.

I'm assuming you wrote this letter to purge the demons within and this is a good thing. Do not lower yourself to speak to her or to him ever. Let them be. It won't be long before she too is suffering from the selfishness of this horrible individual.

Or~~ perhaps even better, she will tire of him and dump him like yesterday's trash. Let's just see if this morally bankrupt dirt bag can take it like he dishes it out. Trust me, he'll crumble........

Best of luck to you. Take care of yourself. Peace, Paula

RecoverToday profile image

RecoverToday 7 months ago from United States Author

Nell Rose: So good to see you again. I have good news. Of course, he has NOT come crawling back because he is DONE with me, which is what he told me in June, 2012. The fact is, I have a wonderful person in my life who has showed me how a REAL man treats a woman. And he loves me just the way I am!

Now, I'm still healing from the marriage/divorce because I was SO taken aback that he had the very "balls" to take up with such a vanilla person, especially while he was still married to me and during the time my father's health declined and I asked for his help. But he was busy "helping her".....I sensed his preoccupation with something but was in such a state I couldn't put my finger on it.

Then he was in such a hurry! "I'll pay for it, just go file for divorce!" Only because he was anxious to be with Miss Plain. Please, all the pieces of the puzzle came together when it finally dawned on me a year later.

So here I sit, in my new home, with my dogs and horse and a really funny man in my life who I can talk to about anything. But I still need to work on ME. As for my former husband who was "Mr. Religious", he can kiss my ass.

RecoverToday profile image

RecoverToday 7 months ago from United States Author

fpherj48: You, my dear, are exactly right!!!!

Yes, I wrote the letter to purge the demons within; but I will never send it.

It's mighty strange to me that SHE is the one "holding back", as he said. Hmmm, maybe Miss Vanilla senses a sensitivity chip missing. I know in my heart she was the one who "egged him on" because when he said the words "you abandoned me".....I KNEW he didn't come up with that on his own. Please, I'm not stupid.

I'm going to publish the letter I left for him, as a continual "purge". I will survive, I am alive, and I am free from the bondage of legalism!

fpherj48 profile image

fpherj48 7 months ago from Beautiful Upstate New York

Again...I wish you the best of everything. Peace & love comes to those who persevere....

dashingscorpio profile image

dashingscorpio 6 months ago

Ultimately it sounds like this was far from being a perfect marriage.

In fact the way you've described things it's doubtful he was truly ever "in love" with you.

It's not clear as to why you feel compelled to express your thoughts to the new girlfriend or what you might expect from her.

What (she) thinks of (you) is less important than what you think about yourself. Nevertheless if it was a therapeutic exercise to help you feel better no one can argue with that.

It's not uncommon for someone to feel bitterness upon witnessing their ex move on with their life so easily.

I get it; you suffered and you want him to suffer as well. Nevertheless your holding on to all the details only keeps you suffering. In order for you to "move on" you must be willing to "let go".

There is nothing you can do about someone else.

However the main issue is you chose to marry a man who clearly did not share your same values.

Hopefully very soon you will be able to put your toxic marriage in perspective.

From what you've written it sounds like you should have sent this woman a "thank you" letter! We live on a planet with over {7 Billion people} inhabiting it.

Surly you must know there are lots of men who easily would have made a better partner for you.

It's not as if this woman walked off with "The Husband of the Year!"

Take some time to rebuild your self esteem, get some therapy to address it if necessary. Know yourself, Love yourself, and Trust yourself.

Get back in touch with (your) personal goals, career objectives, hobbies/interests.

Oftentimes after a divorce a person looks back in hindsight to realize they were not being true to them self in the marriage.

Thankfully you didn't invest ten or twenty more years of your life in a toxic doomed marriage.

The cancer has been removed it's time for you to pursue a healthy life.

The world may not owe you anything but (you) owe yourself the world!

Every ending is a new beginning!

Best wishes!

RecoverToday profile image

RecoverToday 5 months ago from United States Author

Th difficulty lies in facing the fact that the "illusion" I had was, in fact, not real. Finding out that the bubble is bursting is shocking and radiates abandonment and rejection in the worst way. However, I have moved on and done everything that you mention in the post. It has been hard to accept; it has taken a long, long time to finally 'receive it'......4 years. The human inside doesn't have a switch, unfortunately, that can be turned on and off to 'feel' or 'not feel'......

RecoverToday profile image

RecoverToday 2 months ago from United States Author

I have also found out that she "dumped him" some time ago. During the whole "relationship", she only went to his house one time! It was all him, she used him for months while he was a dumb ass and fell for it. And what a fool he was. I am truly free.

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