Lies That Your Future In-Laws Won't Believe
GOD HELP US
guys who think that we must tell bold-face lies to impress our future-in laws. A bit of soul-washing here, but I seriously think that us guys lie more than our girlfriends and wives. Why? I don't know. I don't think anyone, genius or doofus, really knows.
But this cycle of telling our future in-laws the slickest of lies has to stop somewhere. Say, right about here, for I have at least 10 various lies that have either been told, being told somewhere in the world even as I type, or have been told by some fool-of-a-man somewhere in time to simply get his mother and daddy in-law to accept him.
In-laws can see through the finest told lie . . .
LIE #10: "OH, IN A FEW SHORT WEEKS, "I" WILL BE THE PLANT MANAGER
Well, did you realize, buddy, that your future in-laws are Rhode Scholars with a combined IQ of 256? And you, just an assistant janitor, sitting on their couch so expensive that you couldn't buy it with three year's pay, telling them this "whopper?" Who are you trying to fool, fool? That foolish move of forgetting to change out of your assistant janitor's coveralls into your sports clothes was a sure tip-off.
LIE #9: "MONEY WON'T BE A PROBLEM FOR US."
Great lie, friend, but why did you beg "Sally Jo," your fiance, to ask her dad for a twenty to get you from tonight to payday? Bud, you might as well be honest and tell them that you are almost broke and almost on starvation. They will love you more for telling the cold truth than a convenient lie.
LIE #8: "WORK, SIR, MA'AM? I LOVE TO WORK. I WORK MOST ALL TIME."
Nearly believable, but not all the way true. Sure you love to work, but only when your boss, the supervising janitor down at The Galaxy Convenient Store is off on business so you can play video games all day and play the part of a "slacker." And if you love work so much, why then does "Sally Jo" have to call you almost everyday to wake you up for your shift? Get real, man. Truth is the way to go.
LIE #7: "SALLY JO IS THE ONLY GIRL FOR ME."
This is probably the biggest lie you could tell a set of in-laws. It might work only if your future father in-law winks at you when his wife, your future mother-in-law isn't looking, but that is a rare occasion. No, "Sally Jo" is not the only girl for you because you still have the number of your steady girl that you never told about "Sally Jo" and you getting married to her. Best fess-up. Be honest and clean with this one before you are admitted to the hospital.
LIE #6: "MY GRADES IN SCHOOL WERE SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT."
Fact is, this much of the lie is true. Your grades WERE something to talk about. It was said of you, "how can one man get through six years of high school by making all "F's?" You, my lying friend, are a legend. An uneducated legend with a dead-end job that pays almost below minimum wage and you are here deceiving your future in-laws that "you" were genius material? Oh, God, please keep lightning from striking you.
LIE #5: "SALLY JO AND I PLAN TO WAIT TO HAVE KIDS."
Great lie. Bad plan. "Sally Jo" is six months pregnant because you just had to have "that" one night of "jungle passion" without protection. What will your future in-laws say in another six months when "Sally Jo's" clothes will no longer fit her?
LIE #4: "I LOVE SALLY JOE MORE THAN ANYTHING."
What a great attempt, buddy. You almost had your future in-laws convinced. But what about "Todd," "Frank," and "Looney," your beer-guzzling buddies who got you fired from your last three jobs? One time last week, you told "Sally Jo" that you had to go with "Todd" to the emergency room because he had cut his hand on some broken glass. That was true, but the broken glass was a Budweiser bottle he dropped at a wild party you helped to plan.
LIE #3: "I AM A TRUE CONSERVATIVE ALL THE WAY."
So why did you vote against Mitt Romney in the 2012 Presidential Election? You just hope and pray that your own parents don't "spill the beans" at the usual parental get-together when your parents get to meet "Sally Jo's" parents and your dad says, "my boy is an Obama man. Wy' he worked for the Democratic Party all summer and for NOTHING.
LIE #2: "I RESPECT YOUR OPINION, SIR. MA'AM."
Okay. What will you do when your future father-in-law says, "son, I don't have a high opinion of you at all. You come in here dressed in dirty, torn jeans, a sloppy tee-shirt and not shaven." I guess this bold declaration of "you respecting their opinions," didn't fly, huh? Never say anything like this that will put you "in a corner with your in-laws." Remember. They just might have photographic memories.
LIE #1: "HUNTING? I HUNT ALL OF THE TIME, SIR."
Yeah, sure, man. Then explain why you marched in a "Say No to Guns," parade just last Saturday? Hunting? You wouldn't know a rabbit from a corn stalk. Hunting? Oh yeah, you like to hunt free meals and hot chicks, maybe, but not game.
Guys, take my advice. Be honest at all times. It's better this be said of you, "that boy is so honest that he gets on my nerves," than, "that boy. Every time his mouth opens, a lie comes out."
Have a good marriage, and tell "Sally Jo" that I said hello.
Son-in-law's-to-be, take heed . . .
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