List of Things to NEVER Bring to a Wedding

A perfect wedding and now a happy life together

(Writer's note: Recently I asked a question on one of my hubs whether or not I should shorten my hubs. A good friend and follower, DzyMsLizzy, commented that she had rather read a short, well-written hub with few errors than a long hub with an error on every other line. So I took her advice with this hub and three hubs back. Thank you, DzyMsLizzy. I like this. Kenneth).

An old saying states that "a girl wants her wedding day to be the most-memorable day in her life." I not only agree with this adage, but understand it--placing myself in the girl's shoes.

The bride wants every (thing) just right. From the flower arrangements to the bridesmaids' dresses. It has to be as near-perfect as humanly possible. Sometimes the bride freaks due to stress and sometimes she just smiles out of anticpation and "goes with the flow." Either way, it is still her day.

"No such thing as a perfect wedding," you protest. You are right. But the wedding planner(s), if they follow what the bride wants and does not want, a perfect wedding is a definite possibility. And to make the wedding planners' task easier, I am giving them this . . .

List of Things to NEVER Bring to a Wedding

They are all smiles thanks to a well-planned wedding

Happy couple
Happy couple
Bridal couple and minister
Bridal couple and minister
Pretty bridesmaids and flowers
Pretty bridesmaids and flowers
Posing by  a beautiful cotton field
Posing by a beautiful cotton field
Dancing in the forest
Dancing in the forest
Elegant wedding
Elegant wedding

• Hidden grudges by any family member of the bride, groom, or friends.

• Flasks of whiskey.

• Controlled substances of any type.

• Who-pee cushions to be used later at the wedding reception.

• Pornographic magazines, VHS tapes or DVD’s.

• A drunken buddy or two either from college or the Military.

• A drunken girlfriend who never learned self-discipline.

• Photos of your hot, ex-girlfriend.

• Photos of your hot, ex-boyfriend.

• A close-friend who is a gambling addict and bookmaker.

• Unlawful gang members who you helped a long time ago and they thought of your gesture as you needing them for friends.

• A family member who does not know how to whisper quietly.

• A family member who does not know how to control their gossping tongue.

• A family member or friend who loves to tell vulgar jokes mostly with every breath they take.

• A family member who will hinder the wedding ceremony with their size and them using a big DVD camera to film your wedding--not that you asked them, just because they like to “barge in” and film every wedding they can attend and sell the marital couple a copy of the DVD.

• An old frat brother who cannot get satisfied no matter how much he eats. He has a tendency to sneak pork skins into important social events hiding them in his suit coat pockets.

• A disturbing music DVD of pure heavy metal music that has not been edited and you think that “its time to shake things up,” at your wedding for you do not like to follow tradition.

• The heavy metal band on this DVD you sneak into your wedding and all but one of the band members get wasted and pass out in the aisle of the church.

• A couple that you have known for years who cannot avoid a good fight in public or private.

• A favorite uncle who loves to go fishing, but seldom showers upon returning home. And this includes your wedding. The smell of fish is everywhere.

• An out-of-control prankster who swears to you that he has reformed, but he is telling you one big lie.


This list, although incomplete, is sufficent enough to give you a near-perfect wedding. If possible, I will do what I can do dig-up a similar list of valuable information points for your wedding reception, for this is where most of the deepest trouble begins.

Do not let this be Your wedding

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Comments 12 comments

CatherineGiordano profile image

CatherineGiordano 22 months ago from Orlando Florida

Very funny, Kenneth. I agree that a hub written primarily for humor should be short. Keep the jokes coming.


Sparklea profile image

Sparklea 22 months ago from Upstate New York

LOVE the shortened hub Kenneth...gives me sufficient time to read it...This is great. To be honest I don't care if I ever go to a wedding any more. The last few, there has been so much brouhaha. Even when my daughter got married, she got into a terrible confrontation with one of the guests! And I am at a time in my life where I do not enjoy being around people who are drunk, and sometimes I think that word is a synonym for a wedding. I am leaning more toward simplicity. I have a few friends who spent over $10,000 on their wedding and then a year or two later, divorce!

EVERYTHING you list in this excellent hub: if only ONE of these on the list happened at a wedding I believe the wedding would be a ruination.

My second husband and I paid $10 to get married. We drove over the state line, and we eloped. Talk about SIMPLE and CHEAP. Have never regretted it. I had enough of the wedding scenario with my first marriage. Thanks again for the entertainment. Blessings, Sparklea :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 22 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Feb. 9

Dear Catherine,

Seriously, I send you my heartfelt thanks for your sweet comment. To be honest, this one took it out of me--I am getting tired more quickly these days than I used to and I do not know why.

I value YOU and all of my sweet followers.

I just imagined one of the marital couple's family all dressed up and all having flasks of whiskey in pockets and purses and on que, they al turn them up and swig in perfect rhythm.

Sounds like a Monty Python's Flying Circus skit. I like it though.

Stay in touch with me , dear Catherine.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 22 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sweet Sparklea,

First of all, I am sorry for how these weddings hurt you. And your daughter. I am old-fashioned in this way of believing that weddings like Christenings should be serious and respectful.

I appreciate you critiquing my hub. I published a hub just now called, "Are you a slave to the Advertising Icon?" and t went on a bit, but not much.

Shorter is better. And I am on your side and I totally-understand why you do not attend weddings.

SECRET: neither do I.


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 22 months ago from California

Why do I almost always suspect you have experience in what you write? Cheers!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 22 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

tirelesstraveler: You are so appreciated by yours truly. Thank you for this sweet comment and you are right.

I, and a nephew, were the guys who used those long fake gold candle lighters in my youngest niece's wedding.

Things went okay until we marched up to light all of those candles and some doofus decided to turn up the air conditioner which one of the vents was directly over my candles. Yes, they went out.

In those days, I smoked, so I had my lighter in my shirt pocket, so I whipped it out and in a flash, relit those candles and I was soaked in sweat.

I heard a few people laugh under their breath.

I do not attend weddings anymore.


tirelesstraveler profile image

tirelesstraveler 22 months ago from California

LoL, It takes one to know one.


skperdon profile image

skperdon 22 months ago from Canada

Hilarious!!! I have witnessed quite a few of these at weddings, some can be very viscious. Thanks for putting it all together in a hub.


vkwok profile image

vkwok 22 months ago from Hawaii

Keep up the funny, Kenneth!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 21 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

vkwok,

I will do my best. Thank you, good man. And you do the same.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 21 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

skperdon,

And I thank you for such a nice comment.

I do not plan on attending any more weddings in my future. Now God has the last word on the length of my life, so with my three grandkids, I would estimate that 20 years would be long enough for them to get through with college and settled with a career. That would make me 81, and that is a generous prophetic statement by yours truly.

But if I am able, sure, I will attend their weddings--and might pull some of the things on this hub.

Now who will scorn an old man for celebrating his grandkids' wedding?


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 21 months ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

(((Hugs))) tirelesstraveler,

Yes! Thank you so much.

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