Living Alone: Do men prefer living alone?

imagerymajestic @ freedigitalphotos.net
imagerymajestic @ freedigitalphotos.net

Why do men live alone?

Do men live alone because they really want to be alone, or because they lack the courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship?

Published in my previous hub are the viewpoints of women. This hub contains the viewpoints of men.

Bill aka WillStarr
Bill aka WillStarr | Source

Bill:

When we are young, and making babies, family is (or should be!) everything, so we naturally want to be together, Later in life, when the kids are grown and on their own, Mom and Dad can enjoy each other's company and share the things they can finally afford, like travel. But when one spouse passes on, the other has to choose between a lonely independence or another relationship, and the inevitable problems that go with it.
I don't think it's about courage or selfishness so much as it's about what is best for us and what makes good sense. A friend who lives down the street has his own house and a long-time girlfriend who also has her own house. Neither wants to marry, because they have both their independence and a dependable companion when they feel like sharing life. Since there are no babies involved and never will be, that seems like a sensible arrangement.
Not to mention that men who live alone can have pizza and beer every night!


Source

Dave:


I live alone because I want to live alone. I have spent much of my life as a loner. It does not bother me to have only myself for company. I have rich and deep relationships with my neighbors and my family. I also am the kind of person who needs my own space. I like living by myself because it helps me understand who I am as a person. Even if I found a suitable partner/spouse I am not sure I would like to live with them. I enjoy sleeping in my own bed. I enjoy my eclectic lifestyle. I go to bed when I want to and I get up when I want to. I have had relationships that were both positive and negative. What I have learned from those is that it is okay to alone. Not everyone was meant to be married, and that is okay too.

Jim aka The Frog Prince
Jim aka The Frog Prince | Source

Jim:

Loneliness is but a state of mind. You can live alone without being lonely. I often read, or hear, people say that relationships shouldn't take work. You should just be able to put them on auto-pilot and they will take care of themselves. On what planet is that? They do take work but shouldn't be so demanding that they become exhausting.

A relationship is like a garden that needs tending so that it isn't overgrown with weeds. Weeds have a tendency to choke vibrant growth out and a healthy relationship should be a growing experience,

I'm not sure that "lack the courage and strength" seems to fit this question. I believe that it is better to live alone than be miserable with another person. I have also learned that "settling" isn't a very good idea just to avoid living alone. If you do you may end up living with someone but being very much alone at the same time.

Right now I live alone by choice, not chance, and it has little to do with courage and strength and everything to do with peace of mind. I can deal with the demands of a "reasonable" relationship but not one involving the lack of trust, insecurity and suspicion. If those are part of the "demands" then leave me out of that equation.

Source

Wayne:

I was divorced after just over 13 years of marriage and two children. There are no winners in divorce...only losers and the children normally lose the most. It was a heartbreaking process but marriage requires two willing souls thus there was no real alternative but to endure.
I spent the next decade living single never wanting to get into any real serious relationship which would again take me through that dreadful emotional process of divorce. I could not bring myself to the level of emotional involvement thus relationships came and went in my life usually at my choosing rather than theirs. I wanted guarantees. I finally got up the nerve to remarry in 1997 and it was a bigger step than the first time as I knew the possibilities...understood them well.
I have been happily married now for over 15 years and have no regrets as I have come to trust the one that I love. My ten years of single life was protective yet always a bit empty in places...an emptiness that I could not seem to salve no matter how I deeply I involved myself in the singles culture. I was numb but never at peace as I am today.

Colin aka epigramman
Colin aka epigramman | Source

Colin:



Loneliness is an intangible. It's in your mind.


(And this was all I got out of this buddy of mine. Plus a link to a specific song.)


Source

D. William

I find myself living alone and perfectly content to do so 99.9% of the time. All the relationships I tried were with the expectations of having a partner that was equal in all aspects of life. But to my detriment they all turned out to be dependent instead of equal, and more of a liability than an asset, so my last and only option was (is) to live alone and enjoy the independence, solitude, and quiet times at my own leisure.

The other .01% is only in relationship to my pets, as my greatest fear is keeling over dead and there being no-one to rescue them.

We all should first learn to be self reliant before ever agreeing to sharing our lives with another person - and that goes for both sexes.

Ken aka Vincent Moore
Ken aka Vincent Moore | Source

Ken:

I believe people live alone because they chooset to. There are numerous reasons for one living alone, mine is by choice. After two failed marriages and broken relationships, I've come to the realization that I'm not cut out for living with somebody else other than myself and that's even difficult at times. Why? because I am too much of a perfectionist, moody, quickly agitated and a lover of my own space and my own dirty laundry. I've carried others baggage far too long and decided I would be better off carrying my own, thus living separate but still sharing is much easier. It's simply your place or mine for a sleepover and then homebound to each others home we go. Makes for a much simpler, cleaner, organized and peaceful life.

@ Barend
@ Barend

Barend:

After a few relationships and a marriage of twenty-four years I simply know that living alone is the best way to keep a relationship uncomplicated and happy.

Living alone means I can do whatever I like MY WAY without irritating the woman I love. It also means that I don’t give her the opportunity to irritate me.

Let the British author and social critic, Adous Huxley, explain what I mean: “Familiarity breeds indifference. We have seen too much pure, bright color at Woolworth’s to find it intrinsically transporting. And here we may note that, by its amazing capacity to give us too much of the best things, modern technology has tended to devaluate the traditional vision-inducing materials.”

Victor Habbick @ freedigitalphotos.net
Victor Habbick @ freedigitalphotos.net

Tom:

I don’t want to be alone and I am not afraid to meet – or at least try to meet - the challenges of a relationship. I thought I was happily married for 18 years, but for some reason my wife decided to elope with my best friend. Now that was a helluva knock. But a man has to face reality. Sh-t happens. Our children would like to see us together again, but they will eventually realize that what’s dead is dead and I am not Frankenstein.

After the divorce I have tried a second relationship. I honestly tried my best for two years. But trying at my age to meet the unreasonable demands of a woman with issues, is a waste of precious time.

I just met a new potential partner. I look forward to explore a new life with her. But, again, not willing to pocket any nonsense. There is many fish in the see.

Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net
Stuart Miles @ freedigitalphotos.net

My Conclusion

The convictions of these men left me with the clear conclusion that every man knows whether they are voluntary alone, or alone because they don’t have the courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship.

Of course, men feel offended when they are accused of 'lacking courage and strength' for anything, but as a seasoned feminist knowing that there is about seven women for each man on this planet, I dare to say that lacking courage and strength AND patience is in fact the basic reason why men live alone. Women are more complicated than men, they are more demanding, especially with regard to emotions, so why would a man saddle himself up with a woman (and children) if he can and may live alone and keep his bread buttered on both sides?

But this is a hub for another day. In the meantime, dear men, you may try to convince me that I am giving you a lot of stick.

However, the question is: What should be done? (For talk is cheep).

Of course, when a man is voluntary alone, he should enjoy being alone. His ego should be strong enough to bear the accusations of a cheeky woman. When he is alone due to a lack of courage and strength to meet the demands of a relationship, he should find courage and strength.

In my language we have a saying: “’n Boer maak ’n plan.” Best translation: “A cowboy makes a plan.”

AKARAKINGDOMS @ freedigitalphotos.net
AKARAKINGDOMS @ freedigitalphotos.net

© Martie Coetser

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Comments 102 comments

mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Alone? Perhaps it is the hot stove theory of live. Get burned a few times and it is too large a risk to go near the stove again. I like your choice of music. If you look at your case studies, you can conclude living alone has something to do with facial hair. (A little joke.) You are such a philosopher.

Billy Joel's Piano Man would have worked here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gxEPV4kolz0


Pamela99 profile image

Pamela99 3 years ago from United States

Martie, I think these men gave for living alone are similar to the reasons women would give you. I do not think living alone means you have to be lonely. Many people enjoy not accounting to another person for meals, sleeping, whatever they want to watch on TV, etc. etc.

Very interesting hub!


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

mckbirdbks - I've added 'The Piano Man' to the hub. Thank you. Sadly, the fear of getting old alone often drives people into a devastating relationship, and sometime the 'partner' is liquor - a depressant and such a thief of happiness.

I was 18 when somebody called me the first time 'a philosopher'. I had no idea what kind of animal that was. Of course, I pretended to know. Smiling. But terribly unsure, because maybe a philosopher was a whale of a kind, or something bad and ugly? Back home I took my dictionary and went through all the 'fi...', 'vi..' and 'phi's in vain. Years went by before I got the meaning per chance. Same story when my husband called me an 'imbecile'. (At that time I was really too busy to improve my vocabulary - busy raising kids and earning money to enable them to enjoy all the things I have missed.)

Thank you, Mike, for your kind and generous comment :)

Oh, some women regard men's facial hair in the same light than men regard women's long hair. Must be memory in the genes, of pre-historical times....


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Pamela - we are living in a wonderful era - it is no longer a 'sin' to live alone outside a monastery. But what I would like to see is proper financial support by governments for the upbringing and education of children. Income tax should be utilized for this. As we know that too many fathers tend to dodge their financial liabilities.


marcoujor profile image

marcoujor 3 years ago from Jeffersonville PA

Sista,

Can I just be a hussy and say if that darling little boy up top is living alone, I would like to help him out...

It is wonderful to hear from the guys...with and without their hats!

Please tell Mr B my first paying job was at FWWoolworth and I love his quote...smart man!

Voted UP and very Interesting. Hugs, Maria


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Martie, words have become your friends. All it takes is being nice to them.


drbj profile image

drbj 3 years ago from south Florida

Hi, Martie. Most of the men who commented do not appear to want to live alone but when forced by circumstances, tend to be reluctant to relinquish their independence. The same goes for women, I believe, in similar circumstances who are able to support themselves.


billybuc profile image

billybuc 3 years ago from Olympia, WA

Very interesting hub, Martie, and the responses you got are pretty fascinating. I never minded living alone but I sure prefer being with Bev.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 3 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I've been in relationships that demanded 'courage and strength', but that's because they were such disasters. Most men and women are actually pretty easy to get along with if we really want to get along.

Of course, there are as many female jerks as there are male jerks, so maybe we should creating a dating service and match them up, so they are all taken. That way, we are guaranteed to pick a good one from the remaining pool!


Rosemay50 profile image

Rosemay50 3 years ago from Hawkes Bay - NewZealand

Interesting responses Martie. I'm going to stick my foot in my mouth (again) and say that I believe many males would be afraid of having to change their habits... being house trained as it were, and that is all part of 'women being demanding' Both men and women get set in their own ways so there is a great deal of compromise and learning to live together in harmony, so it is often simpler to live alone. That is the message that is coming across to me here


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ marcoujor – let me rather not share my opinion about men younger than 50.... I do prefer character – well-matured character – to youth. Men are like red wine... (although some turn sour before they mature.)

Oops, who’s going to shoot me now?

What I absolutely adore about Mr.B is his smartness...

Love you, Mar!

@ mckbirdbks – Since the age of 12 words are my best friends, and at times my only true friends. But they are so many! I am still meeting new ones daily :) Have you ever heard of this one?

nunchi – (n.) the subtle art of listening and gauging other’s moods; the ability to know what not to say in a certain social situation.

How I wish I could capture this animal properly...

@ drbj – I honestly believe that nobody WANTS to live alone. We all would love to live with our soul mate. The one not admitting this, is a liar. But because most soul mates were stillborn, or passed away, or worse – seized by someone else – smart people rather live alone.

I believe that smart people also realize and contemplate the consequences of sharing space. I am like a capricorn – that tiny-tiny antelope demanding an enormous territory. She would share that enormous territory with a male only when it suits her. She even drive her baby away as soon as he is weaned – for him to find his own enormous territory. So even when I ever again decide to live with a man, he would have to stay in the left wing of my castle, or maybe in the right wing. His choice. But we’ll be connected... :)

@ billybuc – So you will agree with my comment to drbj. With the right person we can live happily forever after. Thank you, Bill. Enjoy your life with Bev.

@ WillStarr - Of course, there are as many female jerks as there are male jerks, and actually more jerks in one pool than suitable partners. Weed always tend to take over, suffocating flowers.

Another thing – and this is so strange – people become. One good partner CAN spoil another good partner completely rotten.

Thank you, Bill, for your profound contribution.

@ Rosemay50 – So true, it is more difficult for a man to sacrifice. Mother instinct makes a woman more able to ‘feed’ others, even the ‘food’ she needs. While men (lions) hunt, devour and leave what’s left for whoever needs it. Oh, I should not have used a male lion as a metaphor, because the male lion seldom hunt – his female partners do it on his behalf....

Ouch, I feel a volley of bullets (coming from men not agreeing with me) entering my poor soul.... Lol!

“It is simpler to live alone,” is actually a good enough reason to live alone.

Oh, I must share this. At a time I shared my home with a male visitor for eight weeks. So one day we had a difference of opinion. The guy actually lost his temper, because he was not able to convince me that he was right and I was wrong. Afterwards he assured me that he had not lost his temper in decades, and he still remembers my answer: “Because, in decades you have not lived with a woman.”

Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Rosemary :)


DDE profile image

DDE 3 years ago from Dubrovnik, Croatia

Lonely men choose to live alone, they won't change their habits, hate being told how and what to do, but the most common problem with men is communication, and living alone cuts them off communication which makes them feel the best.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Marcoujor, my dear sista, since my reply on your comment I have something heavy on my conscience - my secret crush on three very young men. Oh, I am not going to say anything more.... just acting my age....

Just look at them....

http://youtu.be/HbZvz0pXV48


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

DDE, you have put down some indisputable reasons why men would prefer living alone. We all know that men and women communicate on separate sound waves and only a very few of them are able to 'hear' the other. Thanks for reminding me of this phenomenon.


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 3 years ago from Arlington, TX

Martie - Very well done. Now as to this cheekiness you speak of. Bring it on Babes because I can pitch and I can also catch. The question I always have of a woman, who can usually pitch (dish it out) very well is can you catch (take it back)? Great work.

I leave you with this song. Some need to hear it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oXh6wFhzN-8

Jim

AKA The Frog Prince


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 3 years ago from Arlington, TX

Martie - Actually I love to communicate with women. Men tend to be rather boring and generally shallow. I was raised by a woman who taught me that it is okay to be different and show your feelings and emotions. The macho macho crap is just that. I functioned and led in a man's world primarily as a combat soldier. That doesn't make me a Neanderthal though.

The Frog


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Frog Prince, thank you for posting this link to 'Everybody Hurts' - one of my favorites. I don't believe anyone on this planet managed, or will manage, to escape hurt. What matters is how we conduct ourselves while hurting. Oh, ask my sista Marcoujor, I am a seasoned pitcher AND catcher; my boots are made for walking in particular over chauvinist and men treating women and children with disrespect. Of course, I get severely wounded during the battles, but as the winner I gladly take it all.... :)

I don't think you will ever see this dangerous side of me, Frog. Ask my sista, only the Neanderthal awaken the Neanderthal in me.

Thank you so much for your excellent and most profound contribution :)


lrc7815 profile image

lrc7815 3 years ago from Central Virginia

Martie, I absolutely love this article and enjoyed learning about some of my fellow Hubbers. I think the answer to your question would be much the same if asked of women. I too have made the choice to live alone and am so much happier than I was trying to share my space. Some of us are simply creatures who need that quiet space. I am one of them and I make no apologies. One can live alone and still have very meaningful, rich relationships but at the end of the day, there is no place on earth like the time spent in quiet solitude, alone with your thoughts and emotions. And for me, it was necessary for personal growth. I applaud you for writing this one anddoing it perfectly without judgment.


d.william profile image

d.william 3 years ago from Somewhere in the south

Great hub idea, and i loved the "moonshine" video. L.O.L.

Interesting comments as well.

Generalizing on any subject can be useful when trying to make a point; but not necessarily the "truth" for everyone. Like saying: all cats have fleas. We know that it 'could' be true, but it is not.

As i stated: one has to be able to live with themselves (in all respects) before attempting to live with someone else.

I know many men who state that the situation (relationship) they are in, although far from perfect, is better than none at all - and vice versa for many of the women i know.

Some of us "hermits", "recluses", or "eremites", et al.., are either born anti-social, make a conscious choice to do so, or at least made to be that way by society's interpretations of what any man (or woman) needs, wants, or should be, by those very societal standards in which we live. We tend to dictate the 'needs' of others by our own.

Personally, i do not need the "approval" of any one and accept no "judgments" from anyone, as they have no validity whatsoever. (of course that excludes constructive criticism if asked for)

I learned at an early age to never be dependent on others, and to never accept anyone being dependent on me.

When we talk about the "viability" of a fetus, that premise continues with us throughout our lives. We must be able to take care of ourselves before we can ever hope to find another person who is also able to take care of themselves as well, if need be. Those kinds of relationships are rare. I have never found one, and am quite content without any, rather than settling for less.

So, anyone who thinks living independently alone is a weakness, has it backwards.


The Frog Prince profile image

The Frog Prince 3 years ago from Arlington, TX

d.william - This part of your narrative struck right where part of my realization has come to lie: "All the relationships I tried were with the expectations of having a partner that was equal in all aspects of life. But to my detriment they all turned out to be dependent instead of equal, and more of a liability than an asset, so my last and only option was (is) to live alone and enjoy the independence."

Finding someone who actually knows what it takes to be a partner is difficult. Many say they do as long as it is going their way. I have entered into relationships where we talked about it before we stepped out there, not afterward. There is a distinct difference between a giver and a taker. Many takers think they are givers. That is sometimes only in their mind.

The Frog Prince


Mr. B 3 years ago

My dear BEAUTIFUL girlfriend if any woman can change my mind somewhere in the future it WILL BE YOU. Excelant hub. Keep it up. Mwha


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

Another great look at this question among the male gender. Well worth the read and contemplation it inspires! I appreciate their good replies.

There are folks of both genders who honestly feel they are only 'half' whole until they find & hook up with their 'other halves', i.e.: soulmates. I felt I'd found my 'other half of the apple' when I was very young and felt that kinship with my first love. We both felt it, yet it didn't' work out, due to vicissitudes of life and our responses to them. I've felt 'that' special kinship more than once since then, yet only once has it worked out to blossom into a real and lasting relationship. So what is there to prove any such certainty or necessity as a single soulmate or a need to join lives with one in order to be a complete person? Soul is part of an ocean, anyway. :-)

From a realistic perspective, what if I should again feel that kinship, now that my real and lasting soulmate is no longer living? Would following up with it disprove any real & actual truths? Similarly, - if it hadn't worked out 'magically' the way it did, would it have been any less real and actual as it was experienced? Does freezing a feeling in a time & place preserve it - or disprove it?

Seems that human relationships ARE uncertain, cannot be ruled or expected-to-be a certain way or to yield a certain joy over time.

We're each stuck with only one person for the duration of this life - our own self. If we can get along well with that one person, we may be able to get along with another person, who - despite all our love & compatibility - IS a whole other person with some traits and preferences opposed to ours! It's not mandatory that we must just put-up with them. The mutual willingness to adjust to differences and 'give benefit of doubt' is mandatory if any relationship is to work out. So -- if someone chooses to live alone, it may be the most practical and wise choice, and it may be sparing the person andy any prospective partner much trouble & misery, not to mention children if those result from the time of togetherness. If one is allergic to Latex paint, it's unwise to paint the interior of one's house with it!

Common sense. Good idea.

About men, I've noticed that many guys seem independent and good at solitary life, but overall or in a pinch, - they seem a bit more dependent on companionship than women, possibly due to having enjoyed being cared for and loved by women since their birth. Whether or not they treat the woman in their lives with equal respect and thoughtful care as they expect in return, they are dependent on receiving it.

Women have traditionally been carefully kept dependent on men, up till the last several decades. It might have been because men have traditionally feared their women gaining independence from themselves. I don't say that as a feminist, which I'm not; merely as a clear observation in practice. It's not a firm-&-always rule, of course, but it exists & underlies many relationships. Now that women have 'equal opportunities', one result seems to be that many men feel 'emasculated' and diminished & many women feel misunderstood& unloved. Equality shouldn't be 'either/or' - but it seems to be because of human frailties and insecurities. The good relationships either gender would probably prefer are those with mutual respect and care. But it always takes two. If lacking that, being one alone has outstanding advantages.

Being alone for either men or women can be the individual's choice and doesn't have to indicate any flaw, hidden motive or prevailing fear. Certainly mature people of both genders are capable of deciding what condition best suits their own personal needs and preferences, without excuses or apologies!


d.william profile image

d.william 3 years ago from Somewhere in the south

Frog:

when the takers take more than they give back it is time to boot their butts to the sidewalk. No matter how much they say they love you, as soon as you stop giving, they turn on you like a rattlesnake.

Having someone dependent on you for legitimate reasons (like a partner who falls ill or loses their job, is another story)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ lrc7815 – Judging is impossible for me, as I know both sides of the coin. I like the way Paul put it in his letter to the Corinthians – It is better for a man to be alone, though those who need a woman in their life should get married. (Something in this line. And I guess the same goes for women... today. Women of that time had a bleak life, being either the servant of their father or husband or the husband’s redeemer – or what did they call the man who was supposed to take care of the wives and children of a man who had died? We do live in a better world today.) Thank you, Irc, for sharing your thoughts.

@ d.william – generalizing is indeed the last thing we should do. Every case has its own merits.

I remember a woman once said to me: “Rather have a bad husband than no husband at all.” But she could have been my grandmother, and that was the conviction of her generation.

I echo this sentence of yours: “I learned at an early age to never be dependent on others, and to never accept anyone being dependent on me.”

I would never say that living independently alone is a weakness. To the contrary, it takes courage and a lot of intelligence. People living alone do sacrifice their natural, primordial urge to be ‘one’ with a partner, in other words, to be part of a couple. Even better stressed: They sacrifice, or suppress, their need to have intimate contact with another warm body. They may not admit this, even not realizing this, because the brain/mind has a way to convince us that we are okay, doing the right thing. Humans are the most adaptable specie on this planet.

As long as we are happy and contented alone, or in a relationship, we are okay. I have actually written these two hubs about living alone to emphasize our responsibility to seek and find what we would like to have. To review the reasons of our current status, and to DO something about it, even if the To Do is only to be happy. You’ll notice this in my conclusion.

D. Williams, thank you for your profound viewpoint on this topic. Much appreciated!

@ The Frog Prince – you are exposing the strings that are pulled by most ‘common’ people. Man/woman pretends to be independent, but in fact they are looking for a partner that could relieve their financial/physical/emotional/etc. burdens. One realize this within the first three months of a relationship. Unfortunately it is not always easy to get out of a trap. I think you and Williams are on the same page.

@ Mr. B – My dear awesome boyfriend, if any man can convince me that I would be happy sharing a home, it WILL BE YOU…. somewhere in the future. Lol! Thank you for curling my toes :)


Faith Reaper profile image

Faith Reaper 3 years ago from southern USA

Very interesting perspectives here from each of the men you have featured. It is always great to read when each have responded with such refreshingly honest answers here. I believe when one chooses to be alone, that does not necessarily mean one is lonely. However, when one completely isolates oneself from the outside world without any type of contact or companionship for too long of a period of time, it can be very unhealthy and even life-threatening, i.e., to cut oneself off from the outside world. However, that is not really the question here, but rather that of the choice to live alone or to not live alone.

I, for one, love my alone time when I can get it, and it is oh so necessary to make time for oneself, even in a marriage of 34 years! It may even be more necessary and very important . . . lol

Thanks so much dearest Martie for the great write!

Voted up ++++ and sharing

Hugs and love, Faith Reaper


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 3 years ago from Central Florida

Martie, this is interesting and very reassuring. With the exception of Tom's response, each man has mirrored my own reasons for living alone - and currently being alone. I've given up on relationships because at age 56, what is there except the expectation of marriage? I don't want another marriage. It really doesn't suit me. Additionally, I'm not willing to share my home nor give it up. I particularly like Vincent Moore's philosophy; it's more in keeping with mine.

Do any of these men live in Central Florida???? :-)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Nellieanna – Oh, you’ve left such a profound comment. Every word so true and worthy to ponder.

I must echo this sentence of yours: “.... human relationships ARE uncertain, cannot be ruled or expected-to-be a certain way or to yield a certain joy over time....”

This is exactly the reason why I fear commitment in the ‘permanent’ nature of marriage. What if I lose my present joy when my BF’s comings and goings become a fixed routine? Et cetera. What if he loses his present joy when my 24/7 doings don’t meet his expectations? We humans tend to be greedy. We want more and more until we burst. We have a saying, direct translated: “From heartily laughing comes heartily crying.” Meaning that when you ‘play’ too hard you will sooner or later get hurt.

Most people hurt each other unintentionally... accidentally. I honestly FEAR emotional pain with a passion. I had too much of it! Even though I trust B – he has proven himself over and over as the kindest man – I fear the unknown and the fact that joy and happiness could disappear in a single moment – like a fire when flooded by water.

Anyway, what matters is TODAY.... I have stopped living in the past and future more than a decade ago. Today I am happy, and tomorrow I will be happy, unless a tree falls on me... :)

Nellieanna, thank you so much for your most profound and generous comment, and for always enhancing my hubs with your wisdom.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ d.william – My BF is spoiling me rotten with the most awesome gifts. It was difficult for me to accept his gifts, I really had to learn how to receive. By now I allow myself to feel excited about something he is planning to give me, like a child looking forward to a Christmas present. Nevertheless, with all honesty I can say that I do not expect any gifts from him, and I will definitely never in my life turn into a rattlesnake when he stop giving me gifts. Even when he stops loving me, I will not turn into a snake of a kind. I will only know that things/circumstances have changed, and I will accept it. Maybe again difficult, as it was to accept gifts. Before him, as well, I had to accept many good and bad things, and I have never turned into anything better or worse than I am just because of what I was receiving and not receiving.

Just telling you this, so you know that all women are not takers turning into rattlesnakes when there’s nothing left to take. But I must also admit that I know women who are like this. And this is another interesting topic: Why do men get involved with these kind of women? Because she knows how to turn him around her little finger....


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Faith, thank you for your lovely comment. You reminded me of an answer I once got from a woman who was married for ages. I have asked her how on earth did she manage to stay married to her husband for so many years. (He was my business partner, and I was quite fed-up with his whims and fancies.) Her answer: "Probably because we don't see each other that much."

So I know what you mean with 'making time for oneself'. But then, especially in marriage, a couple should also make time to be together.

Thank you, my dearest Faith :)


d.william profile image

d.william 3 years ago from Somewhere in the south

I laughed out loud at you comments to me. Somehow i can not picture YOU as a 'taker' that i reference. Accepting gifts graciously is a good thing.

By 'takers' (both male and female) i mean those that take away your dignity, your privacy, your money, your thoughts and more: and then on top of all of that, deliberately either leave the toilet seat up, or down, whichever way you do not want them to do it. L.O.L.


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

bravewarrior, I was alone for years, because I wanted to be alone. My expectation of life was peace and joy. At the beginning of last year I have decided to find myself a friend (with benefits.... lol!) NOT at all because I wanted to get married, or even emotionally involved. All of a sudden I had a crave for adventures, companionship, fun, and everything I have missed in my past. BTW, I am the same age as you.

So what I am trying to say - Being alone or in a relationship do depend on our expectations, but marriage is surely not the only expectation at our age. To the contrary - that is most probably the last thing we want, unless we have secret agendas.

If you find a billionaire in Central Florida, puleez remember I am one of your best friends. Lol!


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

d. william, yes, a couple of years ago I had to deal with one of 'them' myself - an experience that still arouse my anger. Only God might bless the poor punk! But I do believe that I have needed the knowledge and wisdom I have obtained through him. Thanks for the verification :) Take care.

(Midnight down here.... time for me to log off.)


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

You can call me crazy, you can call me eccentric, you can call me selfish, but please don't call me a liar when I say even if I found a soulmate, I'd choose to live alone. I am not anti-man or antisocial, but I lived with two men, who were not serial killers or bad men, but they were stereotypically masculine and testosterone controlled. Now, living alone and loving it, I know my marital unhappiness was of my own acccord. I resent being told, cajoled or manipulated into pleasing someone else at my own expense. Like some of the men here mentioned, they prefer deciding for themselves when to eat or not, go to bed or not, have a pet or not, sleep in or not, take their vitamins or not...

When I was very young, I was heavily influenced by the dictate of the day, which meant marriage. Without the outdated, stuffy, cloistering relationship rules, there is a growing populace of single women choosing to live separately; many of them involved with a significant other and some even married yet opting to live separately. Today, we are free to live as best suits each individual without the constraints of someone elses idea of ideal. I believe this freedom has resulted in each person being able to explore their own nirvana without feeling like a pariah. The walls have come down and the rules collapsed under the weight of significant numbers of failed marriages or marriages that unhappily remained coupled at the expense of the well-being of each partner.

Just as there are truly happy marriages, there are just as many happily independent, healthy singles. The days of a subservient hausfrau are long dead. Marriage, too, has changed with many unions approached with pre-nuptual arrangements. Today, men and women both are free to live with the best of both worlds without judgment.

Provocative, inspiring, intelligent writing, Martie. Ever considered writing for Vogue? You got it, woman!


Vincent Moore 3 years ago

My dear friend Martie thank you for including my response to your email as a contributor to this very interesting and stimulating hub. Your question draws a vast array of reasons for one's choice to live alone. Just to clarify my overall decisions to live alone. I was always a ladies man from my teen years through most of my adult life. I fell into what I thought was love on numerous occasions, yet to my dismay it was mostly lustfull love, the true meaning I never learned until later in life.

My first marriage failed after 4 short yet exciting years, I wanted to raise a family and she changed her mind the first couple of years into it. I felt confused and deceived and thus wandered from the marriage bed into the arms of another. The second I fell madly in LOVE with both lustfully and with my total mind heart and soul. She wanted a family and gave me 4 beautiful children. We spent a fire and brimstone 18 years together. I will spare the readers all the reasons for the demise of the marriage, but let me say this. I married into a "Fatal Attraction" and ended with "The War of the Roses" nothing more to say. I've since paid my dues both financially and emotionally.

My heart and soul were destroyed, I withered like a Rose on a vine, my loving character changed and believe me its taken all of 13 years since our divorce to resume a normal life, whatever a normal life is really supposed to be. If I sound jaded a tad, then I suppose I am. However I regained my sanity and managed to have a couple of relationships since then. I always will love the scent of a woman, but alas from afar. I will not go back to the matrimony bed, instead I will share my many blessings and talents with the right lady at either her place or mine.

I have found this to be the best way to keep a relationship together at my age. Never did I marry to divorce and since it happened to me twice, I finally realized that I was cursed and no woman should ever have to bare the loss of a husband unless its due to his death. I am a firm believer in marriage and always have been and I am so happy for those who can keep it together forever, yet the brutal numbers of divorces in this generation is staggering. Remaining single for me and enjoying my alone time has proven to be very worthwhile as well as pleasantly exciting. I don't miss out on much, I have a life and a select group of friends.


davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown 3 years ago from Sacramento, California

An interesting hub Martie... I think in bits you have projected your own needs to be with someone onto those of us who choose to live alone. The comments here were equally interesting. I would be curious to know what "ways" we should change, given that we did not really discuss "ways"... As for housetrained... my house is clean, and I am well mannered. It is not like I don't have friend over for dinner, or the occasional party. Simply because I do not have to sit on the couch and ask what is for dinner does not make me a bad person.


Sunshine625 profile image

Sunshine625 3 years ago from Orlando, FL

Well done, once again SAA. Very interesting perspectives from the men. I enjoyed getting into their heads and learning how they tick. I also like how you added Mr. B's point of view! :)


SilverGenes 3 years ago

Martie, this look at living alone from a man's perspective was not only fascinating, it really serves to show how similar the genders are when it comes to life choices. As for Paul's letter to the Corinthians, he was having marital issues at home when he wrote that part so take it with a grain of salt lol. Will Starr made me laugh out loud with his dating service idea!

Men and women are not so different. Later in life, it's more about deep friendship and respect that can indeed grow into love if that's what we want. The babies are grown and we are free to pursue the things we enjoy, including each other. There are no rules except the ones we set for ourselves. Compromising ourselves, our values, and our dreams never works regardless of gender. If we are lucky enough to find a companion in life's playground, then it's wonderful but it doesn't take two people living together to be happy.

It always struck me as strange that we spend our childhoods dreaming of a room of our own as we lie in our single beds and then one day, we marry. We share a room, a closet, and a bed with less sleeping space than we had when we were kids. It's no wonder boundaries in other areas are crossed, too!

Nellieanna made an excellent point. We are all lucky enough at this point in life to decide what we need and want with no excuses or apologies. I love it!


bravewarrior profile image

bravewarrior 3 years ago from Central Florida

Martie, I don't want a billionaire, although that would be a change from supporting my two husbands! The men's responses in this hub have let me know I can have a relationship without expectations. That's comforting. Now I just need to lose the weight I've gained since I started working from home and see if any of the men in your interview are interested! (Most men in Florida are assholes. They are either corporate driven or are gold diggers, as are the women!)


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 3 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I know both men and women who say that they value their freedom and independence far too much to ever marry again, but they are fine with a long term relationship.

I don't think it's about courage or strength so much as it's about just being free to enjoy life at your own pace and choosing.


xstatic profile image

xstatic 3 years ago from Eugene, Oregon

I'm glad you did this one too, after reading the one about the women. It is very interesting. I have had alone periods in my life, but none lasted very long. Some of those solitary times should have lasted longer though! I was married to a woman for eighteen years who decided she loved her boss, and mutual friend, instead. The hardest part of that was our six year old daughter not being in my life every day. As fate would have it my ex-wife died suddenly a year later and I became a single parent for a while. Married now for five years, this is a good one.

I fix dinner as often as she does and we cook together a lot too.


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Amy, you've left me an awesome comment. Increasing the value of this hub 100%. You know what, I am going to take your word - about not even want to share a home with your soul mate. Having this wonderful man in my life, and still coveting a happy marriage, as those of so many of my friends, I am surely willing to try again. But fearing all that might go wrong. Thank you, Amy! And thank you for the compliment. Coming from a writer with such an amazing vocabulary, I feel flattered.


bizna profile image

bizna 3 years ago from NAIROBI - KENYA

Living alone translates to having so much freedom. It also depends a lot on ones upbringing, life experiences and character. Bad life experiences with women can especially drive a man to live alone for the rest of his life.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

My dear Vincent, your comment has left me speechless. We women tend to believe that we are the 'victims', suffering during marriage and after divorce, while men simply move on to destroy another woman's hopes and dreams. So your comment might surprise many women. The pain of failure, especially when love and happiness were the goal, seems to be unbearable and even terminal.

Thank you, Vincent, for sharing your experiences with us. One of those ridiculous phrases just popped up in my mind: "Lo que será, será."

I have to repeat myself: As long as we are happy - and I am not talking about those heartbreaking things we cannot change - we are okay. But being alone, yearning for a partner, or being in a relationship, yearning to be alone, is out and out self-torture. A partner doesn't fall out of heaven into our lap, and, if unhappily married, freedom also demands action. Too many people in unfortunate circumstances are feeling sorry for themselves, instead of using the energy to seek and find what they truly want/need.

Seeking and finding is HARD work, meeting the demands of a new relationship, even when the other party is oneself, is hard work. Knowing this, effects the empathy we have with others.

Take care, my dear Vincent! You know I wish you only the best, whatever it may be.


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 3 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

I love the honesty and realistic life view of these interesting men. I am heartened to hear their stories and the current conclusions that come from life experiences.

I have no erudite words to add to the amazing comments here...and I want to underscore what Amy wrote....after reading your reply to Amy's comment..and then reading...I am amazed at the insight and just say: AMEN!

PS...I want to say to D. William...there are ways you can be sure that your surviving pets are well cared for...many Estate planners write wills / living trusts which provide for the needs of your companion animals to their natural deaths...if there is an estate or holdings enough to do this. Lo0k it up online or speak w/your lawyer/atty. Perfectly legal and binding.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Daven, I would not say that I have projected my own needs - that sound 'in bits' like bombardment and manipulation. I would rather say that I have forced readers to look into their own soul again in order for them to know whether they are still doing what they love doing.

Now who said a person not sitting on a couch asking 'what's for dinner' is bad? But okay, I know what you mean. For two decades I was considered to be 'not a good wife' - in fact not a 'wife' at all, and just because the kitchen and the bedroom and the floor under my hubby's feet were NOT my only interests.

So I know, we tend to be oversensitive when someone says something that reminds us of unfair judgement we had to deal with in the past.

Please bring me on track - what do you mean with, 'curious to know what "ways" we should change...." This hub is not meant to be instructive; it is not a 'How to be alone' or a 'How to be in a relationship', but a question-answer-explanation-discussion-conversation....

Take care, Daven!


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Daven, I forgot to mention that the word for 'woman' in my language is also the word for 'wife'. Vrou. So imagine my confusion and feelings of incompetence when I was accused of not being a (good) wife. Oh, and also imagine why I just love to live alone.... :)


davenmidtown profile image

davenmidtown 3 years ago from Sacramento, California

"... I dare to say that lacking courage and strength AND patience is in fact the basic reason why men live alone." When I read the responses of the men in this hub, mine included, I did not read that they live alone because they were weak and lacked patience to have a positive relaitonship.

The rest of my response was directed at comments left to this hub... "Interesting responses Martie. I'm going to stick my foot in my mouth (again) and say that I believe many males would be afraid of having to change their habits... being house trained as it were, and that is all part of 'women being demanding' Both men and women get set in their own ways so there is a great deal of compromise and learning to live together in harmony, so it is often simpler to live alone. That is the message that is coming across to me here" and to someone else who equated living along as being lonely etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. as for the word Vrou... tell them to update the dictionary.


mary615 profile image

mary615 3 years ago from Florida

Oh, dear...I think I have fallen in love with all these handsome, intelligent men you interviewed for this Hub! Each one has a good, sensible answer for why they prefer living alone.

I was married to a perfect man, but sadly, he died at the age of 52. I've been alone since. ANY one of these men would make me change my mind.

I voted this UP, and shared.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi Sunshine, how could I not add him? His convictions count. Thanks for the visit :)


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 3 years ago from New York City

Awesome hub here Martie, you have inspired me to write a hublove hub about it, and I would like to thank you for such a true inspiration. I love it when folks bring out the best in others, and you hub here addresses a true to life issue that many men deal with day to day, and that of their ex-spouses or partners as well if any.

Living alone to me isn't fun, but I could do it if I had to make such a move, but as for now I will remain with my lovely wife, she is good to me, and I owe it to her to reciprocate such an emotion, plus I love the hell out of her as well. Yup yup, even if we don't get along all the time.

Bravo on this awesome hub, and your hub love is coming right up!

Thumbs up and outta here!


mckbirdbks profile image

mckbirdbks 3 years ago from Emerald Wells, Just off the crossroads,Texas

Martie, you sure stirred the pot with this one. And nunchi is my new favorite word.


HattieMattieMae profile image

HattieMattieMae 3 years ago from Limburg, Netherlands

All very good pointers. :)


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 3 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Your hub and all the fabulous commentary it has stirred reminded me of something I read a long time ago that stated "Men don't fall in love with the woman, as much as they fall in love with the way the woman makes him feel about himself." This rang a chord with me at the time, as I was personally finding that to be the truth in my relationship. Nothing is written in stone, however, regarding individuals, but in both my marriages I found this to be fact. When I started growing into my own (a relatively late bloomer) I still listened to my now exes, but did not swallow everything they believed to be absolute, hook, line and sinker. As Archie Bunker would have said, I was given the option to "Stifle yourself" or hit the road. I chose the latter as I do not feel I was given life to simply reflect someone else's image.

I believe in love and I believe give and take is part of every partnership. My take on things is only my own, born of my experiences. And, though I am fully aware that no one is perfect and we all carry strengths and weaknesses, I have personally found that it is often the weaknesses that initiate and sustain many unhealthy relationships. In my personal experience, my weaknesses created my erroneous thinking processes that thought I needed to lean on someone I perceived to be stronger (which were actually his control issues). Once I began thinking for myself from a stronger self awareness, I could no longer acquiese to his every whim, need, desire or demand. Once I left emotionally, I could no longer stay physically. I left, as much for his good as mine. I felt guilt at the dishonest way of pretending I had to incorporate into living with these men, meaning I could no longer say something I did not mean or follow orders that I did not believe in.

I have found living alone gives me the peace, tranquility and independence that was absent in my marriages. For better or worse, I am able to be me. Thank you, Martie


lovedoctor926 3 years ago

Excellent hub and interesting perspectives. voted up!


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 3 years ago from England

Hi Martie, its great when a guy likes living on their own, in the case of my brother he hates it, but after spending years looking after my parents, and suffering from depression he never realised just how hard it can be. when he lived at home whether our parents were ill or healthy he felt that he wasn't alone, now I take care of him, but he still gets really jittery being on his own, great interviews though, and fascinating reading, nell


Nellieanna profile image

Nellieanna 3 years ago from TEXAS

My darlin/' there is more to my statement that,“.... human relationships ARE uncertain, cannot be ruled or expected-to-be a certain way or to yield a certain joy over time....”

Commitment means one commits to it, not that one relies on "it" to work itself out. When those possibilities you list may arise (almost certainly will at some point) to undermine our hopes, then is when our commitment setps in to restore the joy and freshness. If it were all pre-guaranteed, commitment would have nothing to DO and the joy would be 'old-hat' and the freshness would be a bit stale. Not too different from life itself!

We are the live elements in it and we inject the live elements into it, especially if we see that they seem to have worn thin.

The fear is not that they might wear thin, but only that oneself or one's beloved won't notice and have the spark to refresh it. We KNOW we & they will probably need refreshing. That's not the real fear. But will they see it? Will we be inspired enough? So first, we must examine ourselves and we must always be fully aware of our chosen 'other' from choosing through living-with.

I'm not sure that 'hurt' is the major culprit in failed relationships so much as oblivion and indifference. There used to be an 'out-of-the-corner-of-the-mouth' saying: "I'd rather be hated than ignored." More relationships may wither an die from indifference than from lively fighting.

But most of the responsibility for keeping the fires sparkling is one's own. In any case, that's the only part one can direct. The only influence on the 'other' in the equation is to have chosen him/her wisely and encouraged him/her to remain involved, which depends on one's own involvement and commitment.

As you say so wisely: "Today I am happy, and tomorrow I will be happy, unless a tree falls on me... :)" There's nothing to fear in proceeding courageously! You KNOW it! Hugs.


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 3 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

Martie, my dear! I left a comment (I thought!) here last night but, alas; I do not see it...no wonder...I wrote an entire hub this am and saved it..only thing; it DID NOT save! Geesgh

I love these comments and the honesty here. What a GREAT hub. Real human beings being real! I am so pleased to read the thoughts of intelligent, sensitive men on such an intelligent, sensitive issue. Bravo, my dear Martie!

I wish, also, to underscore and put in CAPS my agreement w/Amy..what a great comment! As always, I am astounded at the depth of understanding of our shared human condition. I say...

A MEN!!! (As in A list!!)

NOTE to D. Williams: You can provide for / protect your beloved companion animals after your departure. Either online or through an Estate Planner; you can set up your belongings in such a way as to cover any/all costs as well as custodial needs of your animal survivors. Whether you have much wealth or little; it can be arranged through an arbiter of sorts; a legal representative who oversees your estate after death...and makes sure that your last wishes are honored. As much a a huge estate or, simply, a loving caregiver....these can be arranged for your animals. It is legitimate and binding. Just a heads up.


always exploring profile image

always exploring 3 years ago from Southern Illinois

Martie, i haven't laughed this much in a long time. I loved your comment about the sour wine and curling your toes, sounds like you've been to the top of the mountain. lol.. Your ability to write a hub that ignites so many different comments is amazing. I loved it. Looks like you have a keeper, Mr. B. Interesting and a fun hub, keep it up...


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

TO ALL – Two reasons why I was/am not able to reply on comments –

1. Technical problems in HubPages, hopefully sorted out by now.

2. An impulsive, adventurous BF, snatching me in season and out, just to give me an opportunity to experience something awesome. He is not only a merry-go-round, but an entire funfair.

I will be back before the end of Tuesday with replies to all comments.

PLEASE NOTE: I have added Wayne Brown’s viewpoint on ‘living alone’ - very interesting with fundamental detail.


janshares profile image

janshares 3 years ago from Washington, DC

This was a fun and very informative read; thank CloudExplorer for sending me over here. Glad I stopped by. This hub validates the whole notion of the "Caveman." It was a one-man comedy in the early-mid nineties that was extremely popular. Voted up and interesting. Thank you to all the men who bravely revealed themselves to the world. Wow.


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ SilverGenes – As for Paul: According to my knowledge he was never married, so what did he really know about marriage and not to talk about women AND men married to insensitive and heartless partners? And so on.

I was very-very hard for me to break the promise I have made – “... until death do us part...” So I’ve decided to hang on to another piece of Paul’s advice: “... if people do get divorce, they should never marry again.” Now did he use the word ‘should’ or ‘must’? Oh, Alexandra, people will never be in agreement about right and wrong. When is right wrong and when is wrong right? The truth –

IS TRUTH RELATIVE?

(A dialogue between Socrates and Protagoras)

Protagoras: Truth is relative. It is only a matter of opinion.

Socrates: You mean that truth is mere subjective opinion?

Protagoras: Exactly. What is true for you is true for you, and what is true for me, is true for me. Truth is subjective.

Socrates: Do you really mean that? That my opinion is true by virtue of its being my opinion?

Protagoras: Indeed I do.

Scorates: My opinion is: Truth is absolute, not opinion, and that you, Mr. Protagoras, are absolutely in error. Since this is my opinion, then you must grant that it is true according to your philosophy.

Protagoras: You are quite correct, Socrates.

xxxxx

I love your comment and agree wholeheartedly with you, Alexandra. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts :)

Oh, I must add: I, too, said, ‘Bravo, Nellieanna!’ for mentioning that we are all indeed lucky enough at this point in life to decide what we need and want with no excuses or apologies. (We have paid our dues.)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ bravewarrior – talking about weight – I think most men have a secret agenda. When they have finally managed to steal our heart, they feed us chocolates and inspire us to eat the most delicious food with them with the hope that we grow too fat to the liking of any other man... and, perhaps, eventually also to their own liking. Oh, since Twiggy it’s hard to be a woman.

Allow me to correct you: Most men on this planet are assholes and so are many women. Precious stones are scarce. All that is good is scarce.

@ WillStarr – using the phrase about ‘courage and strength’ was actually my way of inciting reaction. Although well-grounded in the discontentment of many. Many people lack the courage and strength to get themselves out of an unhappy relationship either with themselves or with someone else. They are the moaners and the losers, always part of the problem instead of the solution. I am a born confronter, always in the battery of strong opinions. Thank you so much for sharing yours.

@ xstatic – “...Some of those solitary times should have lasted longer though!”

Hahaha!

You clearly chewed some hard bones, but there you are now having a good one. Enjoy! Fixing dinner together is one of the many enjoyable things to do in a relationship, though in my home my partner and I have to agree who is chef or assistant. There are many ways to prepare a dish and I so hate it when someone tries to convince me that their way is the best way. Chefs are like drivers of vehicles – they don’t appreciate backseat drivers.

But I must say, my BF and I don’t spend much time in the kitchen, though we do eat a lot. Lol!


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

My dear Martie:

I can honestly say that I don't know that much about men. Whatever they say may not very well be "what the real reason is". I am saying this because after having explored "myself", I realized that the true "terra incognita" is ONESELF. We find plausible explanations and believe in them and all those lies to ourselves, all this BS we put up around ourselves is the hardest to see. It might be easier to see what it wrong with others, but with ourselves?

So, I don't have much faith in the explanations that people have about themselves. The biggest courage is to face yourself. Courage to be in a relationship is a but a fraction of that.

Do I make any sense?


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ bizna – In some cultures living alone is still not the norm and very difficult to do. I also believe that only 5-10% of all marriages are truly heaven on earth. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :)

@ Lucky Cats – Have you read Wayne Brown’s story, also now added? Being in a relationship with the right partner is, after all, the best deal. Thank you for reminding us that there is a legal way to provide for the needs of our pets.

@ davenmidtown – Please read my reply on WillStarr’s comment as well. Not only males, but also females are afraid and unwilling to change their habits. However, the submissive personality finds it easier. In a healthy relationship partners are (supposed to be) flexible and willing to compromise. I like your ‘foot-in-the-mouth’ comments, Daven! Thank you. Keep in mind that Afrikaans is one, if not the, youngest language in the world. Born in 1652 and eventually recognised as a distinct language in the early 20th century. You might find this interesting.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Afrikaans


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ mary615 – You story reminds me so much of my mother’s. My father died at the age of 54. When I was a child, I thought 50 was as old as dirt, but now I know the meaning of the proverbial statement, “Life begins at 50.” Find Mr/Mrs Right is not easy when we are young and becomes more difficult the older we get. There may be many fish (women) in the sea, but according to statistics (of some years ago) only one man for seven women. I wonder what is the ratio now? But still, we rather live alone than allowing anyone to steal our peace and joy :)

@ CloudExplorer – Please post a link to your hublove hub in here. Inspiring each other is one of HubPages’ benefits. So good to know you are happily married. I will always envy women with good husbands.

@ mckbirdbks – You will certainly be the winner of a Nunchi Trophy awarded by HubPages. I have never seen (read) you with your foot in your mouth.

@ HattieMattieMae – So good to see you in my corner!

@ Amy Becherer – "Men don't fall in love with the woman, as much as they fall in love with the way the woman makes him feel about himself."

Is this not also the case with us women?

When we are accepted for WHO we are and not for what we are able to mean/do, we feel good about ourselves. Then we can just be ourselves. How wonderful to just be oneself in a relationship and to be called ‘perfect’ by our partner?

You’ve hit an important nail on its head (again). “.... it is often the weaknesses that initiate and sustain many unhealthy relationships...”

I wish I could respond properly on your most relevant and profound comment – but then I will end up with a lengthy hub. Let me just say ‘amen’.

Something we must always keep in mind: We learned a lot about life and people, including ourselves, while we were in the deserts of unhappiness.


Lucky Cats profile image

Lucky Cats 3 years ago from The beautiful Napa Valley, California

Hi Martie...my HP's stuff is also jumping around and acting irrationationally! The time thing is off, or something. On my site, too.

Yes, I just read Wayne's contribution here. I am very pleased that he's found a wonderful relationship that works well for him.

We each grow into finding what we truly want and need...and these are as different as we are; each and every one.

Great comments here...much to learn~!


CloudExplorer profile image

CloudExplorer 3 years ago from New York City

Thanks Martie for allowing me to link my hublove hub that you inspired me to write for you and the fellas here. Once again I loved your hub here it was truly awesome indeed. http://hub.me/af4nE


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ Thank you, lovedoctor926 :)

@ Nell Rose – Indeed, some people cannot live alone. I like to use animals as a metaphor for humans. Some animals simply die when they are left on their own, while others only interact in order to multiply. Fortunately your brother has a caring sister like you.

@ Nellieanna – there is always more to all your statements. I wish I could address each and every one of them. Our discussions will be like the universe, extending into eternity.

Of course, commitment is a verb and not a noun. Murphy's Corollary: “Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.”

I know myself (by now). I know I can handle crises, I can compromise, I can realize my own (unknown) shortcomings and I can develop them into virtues or, if not possible, disarm them with virtues I already have. Et cetera. But at this stage of my life I fear the emotions involved. Feeling disheartened because I am in spite of all my ‘hard work’ throughout the years (on myself) still able to disappoint someone, is a dreaded feeling.

Like this morning. We had to leave at 5:00am from where we were in order for me to be in time for work at 8:00am. I was unbelievable tired and sleepy, but refused to sleep in the car as I considered the habit to be selfish and bad-mannered. I mean, what kind of company would I be sleeping on the road? But while sticking headstrong to my own principles, I made my partner feel bad and guilty and even incompetent (with the idea that I don’t trust him behind the wheel). After all, he was the one who had convinced me to go out of my routine.

We (adults) don’t want our partners to sacrifice anything; we don’t want them to do anything just to please us. Next time when I am as tired as I was this morning, I will sleep wherever we are. Lol! But this is the type of thing I fear... The discovering of good and bad things in myself - That what I thought was ‘good manners’ was is in fact ‘self-pride’, headstrongness, etc.

Ref.: Indifference. I can write a book about this cause of my unhappy marriage of 20 years. Not giving a damn about me and my feelings, year in and year out, not even willing to communicate, hurts a thousand times more than a good fight and consequently trying again a little harder to prevent a next fight about the same issue.

Thanks, Nellieanna. Your comments always give wings to my thoughts.


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ Lucky Cats – Some technical problems in HubPages is causing a lot of confusion, but I believe they are working on it. Can you see your comment now and my reply?

@ always exploring – I can say the same to you: “Your ability to write a hub that ignites so many different comments is amazing.” Really, the way you expose matters that I tend to ignore – because I believe I cannot do anything about it – boggles my mind. B is a keeper for sure - and this is something his ex’s unfortunately (for them) realized after they’ve lost him. Have you ever noticed, Ruby, how many ‘keepers’ are taken for granted? Maybe we – as humans – have to become victims of Bad before we are able to recognize and appreciate Good? Or we have to lose Good before we are able to realize that it was Good?

@ janshares – Welcome in my corner and thank you so much for reminding me of ‘Caveman’ – I never saw it, but heard a lot about it. Is it still available somewhere? My thanks also to CE for sending you here.


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iguidenetwork 3 years ago from Austin, TX

Generally men are less communicative. That's why many of them find females too complicated and demanding and men are not good in analyzing women's needs and emotions; what they see is what they get. They don't want to bother to do the analyzing thing so they prefer to live alone -- less complications. I understand these guys who share their stories.

I don't mind living alone and sometimes I need to have a "me" time -- but to me it is much better to have a life partner.

Voted up and interesting. :)


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Kallini - Homo sapiens is the most adaptable specie, having the ability to assure themselves that they are okay or not okay, correct or not correct, normal or sick in any circumstances. This is an instinctive survival technique - or in a state of depression, when the urge to die is dominant - a method of suicide. We should never underestimate the brain and its primary urges - to live, to multiply, to die.

What really matters is our believe and trust in ourselves and our own abilities. To make things better, we try to be positive instead of negative. We also see/hear/understand only what we WANT to. Sadly, some of us are our own most dangerous enemy, refusing to see the good in ourselves and our circumstances, while there is good and bad in everything and all circumstances. Contentment is something we all want and in fact desperately need. So in imperfect circumstances we simply find contentment or not via truth and lies.

When I review my past, I can clearly see how many times I have fooled myself with a positive attitude. I've done that in order to be happy. Happiness is a fabulous feeling. If one can be happy by lying to oneself, then, alas, lying is good and not bad.

I must agree, Svetlana - we can't put our hope and faith in explanations that people have about themselves, and not even in our own about ourselves. I've learned the hard way that hope and faith is like air - they have no handles, nothing to hold onto. We can but only glide in it, like a parachuter....

You always make sense to me :)


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Lucky Cats: Well-said: "We each GROW INTO finding what we truly want and need...and these are as different as we are; each and every one." Thank you.

12:20am SA = bed is calling :)


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Cloud, thanks for the link. I will hop over for a read after my 'beauty sleep'.... or maybe my curiosity will not allow me to sleep before I've read it.


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 3 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

If you are in a relationship with someone who values their independence, either accept it or move on. They are not going to change, and neither are you.


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Martie, thanks for such a full reply - I was struggling with my own response, why I always have to see beyond the "obvious surface". But in my case it is simply the necessity - one can come up with whatever explanations - reasonable or not - they will make sense as long as one is consistent. Consistently happy or consistently miserable.

Some of us do not have the luxury of waking up each morning and recognizing ourselves. The moods change, the behaviours change, the evaluations change, the energy levels change, the goals change, the reactions of others change...

I am robbed of this fundamental "truth" - I am this and I am that - that is what makes coming to terms "Who the hell am I?" so difficult.

I have to look beyond emotions.

I know that I said many times that NOW I made this decision and that decision and I always fall short and I always feel horrible afterwards.

NOW I am telling myself that I have to fundamentally get myself rid of all the guilt I acquired (in other words, to forgive myself and accept all that was done that below my standards as "it is what it is and it is NOT going to change").

The "fundamental part of ever-changing" is NOT going to change and I have to form an image of myself in this ever-changing light.

So, coming back to consistency - it is lucky for the majority of people and yet it is the very foundation of deception - to have consistency - it is easier to adapt to, yet it is not the truth. Like the infinity, truth is immeasurable.

Before the dawn of times, people used to count "one, two, many, infinity, zero" - and I think as far as understanding psychology goes - humanity is at "one, two, many, infinity!!!!"

Congratulations on your hub, anyway. Don't let my pontificating drug (misspelling INTENTIONAL) you into trying to explain something inexplicable. Some people stay single, some people find relationships, things may change at any moment. Circumstances will change, opinions will change, truths will change.

One, two, many...

One, two, many...

One, two, many...


penlady profile image

penlady 3 years ago from Sacramento, CA

This is a fascinating hub. I was amazed to hear about men who are basically comfortable living alone. I've always heard that men were incapable of living alone as they got older. Now I stand corrected.

I especially admired the phrase about how we should all learn to be self reliant prior to sharing our lives with someone. I agree with this 100%. So many people don't know how to do this and as a result, settle for the first person that comes their way. Sometimes that person doesn't be right for them either.

Well written and entertaining! I look forward to reading more of your hubs!

Voted up and interesting.


Deborah Brooks profile image

Deborah Brooks 3 years ago from Brownsville,TX

Hi Martie.. being alone sometimes sounds. good .. especially when you are mad at your partner.. which happens sometimes.. but after a while you either get over being mad and or move out.. lol.. I tried living alone.. I like it at first but i was so used to taking care of my husband that I actually started missing it..lol.. and went back to him.. oh well such is life.. I love your hub.. going to read the one you wrote about us women's....

love you Martie

deb


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ WillStarr – Fortunately there are no problems when both parties have the same convictions. If not, the relationship will not last. Just to prove that the phase we are in also determine our concept of living alone: My daughter was engage for 3 years to a man who had no wish whatsoever to give up his freedom. So one day she asked him to get himself out of her life in order for her to find herself a suitable spouse and father for children she would loved to have. That same afternoon he returned with a marriage proposal. One of these days they will celebrate their 16th wedding anniversary. (Oh boy, suddenly I know I am much older than I feel I am!)

@ kallini2010 – Inconsistency will drive any person crazy. I have told you before that I’ve been in the phase you are now in for 10 years - (35-45) – searching for myself, for the truth, also in myself, trying to come to terms with all my scattered dreams and hope, trying to believe that the unknown future will be better than my past, trying to trust people again, trying to believe in myself... etc. The turning point was almost fatal, and I do hope that yours will be less traumatic.

When reviewing that time, I know that I should not have done that much introspection. The deeper we look into ourselves, the more blood, intestines and pain we see. I should have found myself a mind-boggling hobby, or a boyfriend. But no, this is cheep talk. I was not at all able to get myself out of that dark well of depression. I had to hit the bottom; I had to be ‘saved’. Scary!

But back to the topic - What we believe is true today, is not necessarily what we will believe is true tomorrow. You are so right: “Circumstances will change, opinions will change, truths will change.”

I have learned the hard way to focus on the present and to make the best of it. AND to stay away from the edge of the depression pit.

Are we not constantly trying to explain something inexplicable?

Take care, Svetlana. Go with the flow and see where it takes you. Float!

@ penlady – and this is why it is so important to know the stories of others. Not to judge them, but to allow it to expand our frame of mind. Thank you for your inspiring comment.

@ Deborah Brooks – It is bad to be alone – permanently - when you yearn to be with someone/anyone. Also bad to be permanently with someone when you yearn to be alone. We have to find a balance; each of us have our own perfect balance, and we know whether we are in balance or not. Thank you for the visit, Debbie. Love you too :)


kallini2010 profile image

kallini2010 3 years ago from Toronto, Canada

Yes, Martie, we are trying to explain the Burning Plain. It just pains too much that it motivates our search for the answers, otherwise who would have bothered?

You know the drill:

If you happy and you know it, clap your hands!

It does not go like

"If you are miserable and you know it, clap your hands!" because it won't help.

I love this quote:

Illusions are the truths we live by until we know better.

- Nancy Gibbs

Yes, the truest truth of all the truths is that everyone would go crazy in the House of Mirrors. Everyone would smash the glass "in the process of learning" and cut himself accidentally or not. Everyone would bleed. Who knows how long does it take?

I actually think, it should be

One, two, three, infinity - it rhymes better - stages are inevitable and I go from stage to yet another, but they are clearly different. I am more in a practical terrain now, terrain as in

Version 1: Terrain = Terr(or) + Ain(t)

Version 2: Terrain = Terra(land) + In(within yourself)

Version 3: Ter(rential) + Rain (as in Natural Disaster, Force Major)

Version Infinity: Locked in Eternity

Some of my creativity is back.

Anyway, I thought today of one of my favourite songs - the spring is coming...

And no, I am not looking for myself as much as I am trying to adapt to live with what is. It is officially Step Number Next.

Take care, Martie!

P.S. One of these days I may even come up with some energy for a hub. Did I say "days"? I meant decades. How very DECADEnt of me!


asfi55 profile image

asfi55 3 years ago from USA

Lovely hub with great perspective. I do agree living alone would be better than feeling lonely with someone else, that makes good sense.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

@ kallini2010 – Your comment is a proof of the ‘free-writing’ technique writers practice to get rid of writer’s block. I remember the time I used to do this. It always ended in the beginning of yet another story. You are always in my thoughts :)

@ asfi55 – thank you for sharing your opinion about living alone. Sometimes we are compelled to be where we don’t really want to be, either alone or in an unhappy relationship. Then we can but only dream about a better life, or be courageous and leap into an unknown future.


midget38 profile image

midget38 3 years ago from Singapore

All wonderful insights, but I agree most with Epi....it is a state of mind. This is why people who seem to have everything can still be unhappy...the state of mind is not fulfilled. So whatever the path one takes, loneliness is perceived!


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

midget - this will always boggles my mind - people who have everything except happiness, and people who have nothing but only happiness. 'Everything' and 'nothing' is, of course, like beauty - in the eye of the beholder. If we want to be happy, we will find a thousand reasons, and if we want to be unhappy, we will also find a thousand reasons.

I have properly and thoroughly experienced depression for many years of my life, but today I know that my WILL to be unhappy/happy, based on my personal expectation of Life, was the scoundrel and instigator of my condition. I might have said that I had the will to be happy, but I had no idea how to utilize my will. I allowed circumstances, unfulfilled dreams, the opinions of others, etc.etc. to play me as if I was their puppet on a string. But no person suffering depression would like to know this. People in the dark well of Depression prefer to suffer; they don't care about the opinions of others and least of all about their advice. Fortunately some of them did, or eventually will, escape (from their own pattern of thoughts), and I bet they will agree with me.

So yes, the state of our mind do determine our contentment and ability to be happy alone OR in a relationship. Thank you for your kind comment :)


SilentReed profile image

SilentReed 3 years ago from Philippines

I read your conclusion first before those of your male contributors to your article. I can't help smiling when I notice the end quote about Afrikaner "cowboys" and the photo of the men who were bearded and wearing ten gallon hats. The very epitome of the word "machismo". The grandfatherly image of Colins being the exception.:) Do I detect the impish nature of a feminist who successfully manage a rodeo roundup of unsuspecting Hubpages "cowboys"? Looking forward to what you have plan for April Fools day :))

BTW, I have long been roped in, and for the past 23 years have look yearnly at the wide open range beyond my corral environment.:) ...and yes, I do agree with you, women are more "complicated". So perhaps it's the other way around? We husbands lack the courage and strength, preferring the safe,comfy routine of married life to the adventurous and unpredictable wilderness of open ended relationships. The humorous Filipino term for "Henpecked" is "Andres de saya." (A man under a woman's skirt) and this comment was written tongue in cheek. :))

-


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

SilentReed, how I enjoyed your comment! You certainly saw a lot of truth between the lines, exposing some very interesting possibilities.

Marriage, I believe, is meant to be a safe haven, a comfortable routine, a space where love could be exchanged in an uncomplicated way - and is love not the food that keeps us happy and contented? Blessed are those who are happily married. They have no reason whatsoever to be alone. If they do need some time alone, or rather some time in the wilderness, there are so many places to go, i.e. the golf course, or what about a more dangerous place, such as club with strip-shows on the agenda?

Oh, don't allow me to lead you into temptation... LOL!

I love the Filipino term. We, again, like the saying: "Behind every man is a woman." So true, a man with a woman behind him can achieve great successes. More so when he has two behind him - a wife and a private secretary.

Thank you for your generous, smile-provoking comment. Much appreciated!


Eiddwen profile image

Eiddwen 3 years ago from Wales

Hmmm very interesting and leaves much food for thought.

Eddy.


Genna East profile image

Genna East 3 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

Intriguing, hub, Martie; the contributions by these gentlemen are fascinating. I have to agree with Pamela in that the reasons men give for living alone are similar to what women might say. There is also independence, and as Will stated, “What is best for us and what makes good sense…” for individuals at that time. Nevertheless, I believe that when you meet that special someone and fall in love, all bets are off, and the reasons for living alone have a habit of dissipating, complexities and challenges notwithstanding...at least for a while. :-) Well done, Martie.


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Thank you, Eddy!


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Genna - I remember how shocked we were one day in church when our minister seriously admitted that he and his wife had to marry. Now that was the time that the phrase 'had to marry' where used only when the woman was pregnant. But then he came forward with, "We loved each other so much, we could no longer live apart from each other; we HAD TO marry." So yes, with the right person (at the time) we are willing to throw all our inhibitions and convictions overboard. But then we go on growing and not necessarily together, or we stagnate, and not necessarily together. Oh well, maybe we should just get the 'forever after' idea out of our minds and enjoy what is as long as it last. Take care, Genna :)


ImKarn23 profile image

ImKarn23 3 years ago

Hmmmmm...veddy interesting..

i have heard that when a woman loses her partner through death - that only about 50% of them remarry - the reasoning is that they're tired of rearing children..

on the other hand - i believe the number is upwards of 80% of men that remarry - the reasoning is that they need someone to look after them..

LOL..

(btw..interesting group of men ya got together here, Martie...)

i suspect you are correct in your final assessment..lol...(issues, issues, issues...)

love ya gfxx

up and sharing forward, dear friend...


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 3 years ago from Arkansas, USA

Neat hub! It's interesting to read all the perspectives. I can SO relate to Ken (Vincent) about just having sleepovers and then going back to our own homes. It lends itself to a cleaner, neater, more organized life. I totally agree. I have a neat relationship that I don't want to ruin my moving in together and getting on each other's nerves! Great hub! :-)


MG Singh profile image

MG Singh 3 years ago from Singapore

Very interesting hub.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hi ImKarn, we can write another hub focusing specifically on the reasons why widows and widowers remarry or not, as the death of a partner is a different scenario. Divorce always leaves us with that feeling of failure and incompetence, while death is merciful, leaving the surviving partner with the knowledge that they've won the most divine race regardless of how good or bad it was. Thanks for sharing, Leslie. Lots of (((xxx))) to you :)


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MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Victoria, I am in full agreement with you. I really enjoy spending time with my BF, but I also need a lot of time alone. Sharing is hard work, always considering another soul in the house is hard work - continuously sacrificing Self and Personal Preferences. Easier to do when we are young. The trunks and branches of two young trees planted in the same bed can easily weave into each other, while the trunk and branches of older trees cannot bend. Go figure! So I rather hold onto "absence make the heart grow stronger." Although in an unsuccessful relationship it would be a matter of "out of sight, out of mind." Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts :)


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Thank you, MG Singh :)


Victoria Lynn profile image

Victoria Lynn 3 years ago from Arkansas, USA

So true, Martie, so true, what you say! I think I could have adjusted in my 20's, but now . . . not so much! Too unbendable, like an older tree. :-)


hypnotoad72 3 years ago

Not an easy topic.

First, anyone can change - as with relationships, it takes time and effort and willingness to form one and to have enough time to figure out if both people are compatible.

Second, many people put in personal ads how they own a home and x, y, z, and then - months later - say out of the blue they prefer independence and living alone. Even though you did nothing to instigate a "where does the future entail" question. Ditto for marriage. People do NOT like playing games, that is the ONLY thing that is true as we get older.

Even female coworker friends believe in the stereotype that men do not want to commit and want it both ways. Of course, all groups have stereotypes...

Always have friends and hobbies on the side, so you don't spend all your time thinking about possible situations with a lover - either good or bad.

But always be honest, sincere, but kind and mindful of one's partner. And that starts at the beginning: No games, don't put in things you say you own or want to share - not just about sending misleading claims about possible cohabitation, but because relationships are about the people. Not the property being flaunted. If people can't understand that, then they are not capable of a relationship. Don't waste a possible partner's time.

Oh, being apart also invites the chance of infidelity and other bad things. There's a reason why relationships are meant to grow people closer. People who want it both ways are also incapable of relationships. Again, don't waste other peoples' time.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 3 years ago from South Africa Author

Hypno, thanks for your comment. I agree with you and especially with: ".... relationships are meant to grow people closer." I would also like to add that they allow individuals to grow..... Easy to live alone with no opportunity to test the strength and flexibility of one's character.....


PMARTIN 2 years ago

Hmmmm, the men tell why they live alone (nothing to do with lack of courage) and you don't believe them anyway. This is why they want to live alone.


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MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

PMARTIN - Mmmm, some men are liars, but fortunately most women were born with a super active sixth sense, so they are able to sense a lie from a distance. So, those men who are living alone because they believe women don't trust them, prefer to be alone in order to do whatever they want without accounting for their doings. And yes, it is the best thing for them to do - saving us women the heartache caused by lies.


bob 2 years ago

Seven women for each man on the planet, six fat ones in America


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MartieCoetser 2 years ago from South Africa Author

LOL @ bob...

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