Living with a Narcissist

Narcissists: They're NEVER wrong! Just ask them.


Definition of Narcissism--Etymology:German Narzissismus, from Narziss Narcissus, from Latin NarcissusDate:1822 1 : egoism, egocentrism 2 : love of or sexual desire for one's own body

Okay, having read the definition above, do you know a narcissist? Does someone you know, think they know everything? Do they care more about themselves than their own family or friends? Do they constantly berate every human being on earth, and point out their flaws? Would they choose their own happiness over that of their own wife/husband or children? Are they in denial?


I have been legally married to a narcissist for over a decade. I've finally gained my own personal strength to rid myself of him, but his abuse and its affects will haunt me for years to come!


It's not only that the narcissist makes every other human being seem worthless, but it's also about their constant need for approval. On any given day in my 12+ year marriage, H (hubby) would thrust upon me, his "ideals". If his ideals were not agreed upon by me (or anyone else for that matter), I would be called retarded, stupid, a loser, and many other disgusting names. He would repeat his thoughts on whatever subject, over and over and over and over and over and over, until I would either just give in or until I would actually begin to believe him!


At several points in our relationship, H made me believe that everyone in the world, besides him, was out to get me. He had me in such a puddle of despair, not even a pirate could lead me out of its depths. I had believed that my family members did not love me, that I never had any real friends that cared about me, that my kids would never want to live alone with me because I could never give them everything they wanted, that HIS family was so perfect and righteous, that every doctor was a scam artist so I didn't need to see one for anything, that every therapist was out for money and nothing else (therefore he kept me from the counseling that I needed), that every teacher was an idiot, that every gas-station worker was a waste of space, that our own children would suffer--because of me!


Not only did I believe these things for many years but he also had me believing that he was the only true person in the world! He even went as far as to say that no matter who died in his family, even his mother, he would not shed a tear. He would not care. And he has a good relationship with his family, or did. It doesn't make sense!


H could talk me in circles with no end in sight. I would make a good point to defend myself, and he would talk in circles until I believed that what he was saying, was the real truth. Just to keep an argument going, he would revisit events that had happened literally ten years before. Like the fact that I went out and had a couple drinks with my mother after our first child was born...that was 11 years ago and he'll still bring that up in an argument! He'll use anything he can, to get under my skin, so that I'll argue with him and eventually fold into his way of thinking. I usually did too.


Another thing that was a constant was the fact that he would (and still does) bring up anything he could, to make himself look good/great! Nearly every day of our marriage he would come home from work and tell me how each and every person that works for him, would tell him how great he was. How his boss would tell him that he's un-matchable, that nobody could do his job, and that he was the best at what he does. H takes every opportunity he can, to isolate me so that I have to believe what he's telling me. Who would I ask? If I questioned him, who would have the true answers? Nobody, because he made sure that I was all alone in the world. He'd keep me under lock and key for days, weeks, years, and then during an argument say, "What proof do you have?" "Who does that?" How could I answer that when I knew nothing about anyone!?


Narcissists will do nearly anything to isolate the people close to them, and to always be right! God forbid they're ever wrong about something, you'll never hear that from a narcissist. It was someone else's fault that, not theirs. "I'm not wrong, they are." The sad thing is, they're so witty and sly, they can usually make you believe them.


H chooses to run around with his friends and do drugs and be abusive, over spending time with his own children. In many ways I'm happy about that because our kids can't be themselves around him anyway. In H's eyes, any music except what he likes, is gay, any hobbies someone likes, are boring and stupid. In fact, he'll condemn other people incessantly for something that he himself does, but he always has an excuse for why it's okay that HE does it. H has told me for years that one girlfriend of mine (that I tried to have a friendship with) was a druggie and a big loser because she did drugs and hung out with a guy H didn't like (go figure)...but H was literally on drugs at the time and hung out with this other guy many times!! What is that about?


I've left H about 8 times. Finally this time I was the one that came out ahead because HE was living at MY house. But every time we've been separated, he comes back to me like nothing ever happened. I've always voiced my feelings so he can never say that I didn't communicate. In fact this last time I told him point-blank, "I don't love you anymore and I want you to leave." After that and after I had to call the cops to make him leave, he still comes over here every day, trying to flirt with me and acts like nothing happened. Nearly every day I have to kick him out all over again! I can barely stand this anymore!


For two years we've been legally separated. He refuses to sign divorce papers unless I give him joint custody of our children. I can't remember if I stated this already, but he's always told me that he won't pay ME child support. He has been paying it for a year and a half, but the same day that I kicked him out this last time, he got himself fired from a job that he's had for 9 years! Just so he wouldn't have to pay ME child support, and so he could "...sit around like you (meaning me) do all day."


If you're living with someone who possesses these characteristics, I'm telling you to get out while you can! It took me 8 times and it may take you more, but leave! You'll never have a mind of your own if you don't. How lonely of an existence would that be?


I'm ready to get out into the dating world but scared to death that I'll run into another "charmer" like H was...........

5 stars for Living with a Narcissist

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Comments 61 comments

techygran profile image

techygran 2 years ago from Vancouver Island, Canada

Thank you for sharing this. It is because you document your experiences, along with those of many other victims of narcissists, that individuals are waking up to the same 'profiles' of intimates in their own lives and finding their ways away and out of these relationships. I hope the best for your and your children in your lives apart from your ex. All the best, Cynthia


Cindy 5 years ago

I was married to one for 10 years. He's still as miserable and opinionated as ever. But, I saty as matter-of-fact and cool as a cucumber, mono-toned with him. He hates it and I stay at peace with my newfound mental stability.


dotty1 profile image

dotty1 6 years ago from In my world

thank you for sharing with your hub. You are a brave strong lady and it is sooo horrible what you had to put up with. . I.m still learnin about this, but slowly realising its not me. . Thank you and i so hope you meet someone who deserves your love . D X


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cindyvine--hey woman! It's nice to be back here once in awhile I'll tell you that! It's been a long few months but my husband and I have been clean and sober and working on our marriage and our relationships with our kids. We moved out to Oregon in the same town as my brothers and sister. A lot has happened. I'll write about it as soon as I can. Don't have internet yet but thank God for the library:) I miss talking with you. I'll be back soon! hugs


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Hey Miss Jamie, ain't seen you around for ages. How the hell are you doing?


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Rebecca E--sorry I missed your comment earlier, I apologize. Thank you so much for the kind words. I will keep them locked in my mind:) Trust me. Things are better already! hugs and best wishes


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Thanks Debz!! I'll be back to write more as soon as possible! I must say that my husband is taking strides to be better, thankfully, but that's not always the case. Sorry to hear of your struggles but I hope you've learned a lesson...lol...just kidding. I wish you well and hope to hear from you again!


debz 7 years ago

Darn brilliant article you wrote - I think I married (and divorced your ex's twin)! Right to to the finest detail you gave examples that parralled my own life. Coming back to read more of your writings. Cheers


Rebecca E. profile image

Rebecca E. 7 years ago from Canada

A very powerful and moving read. Things will get better, just be as strong as you can and you are.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

donotfear--thanks so much for commenting. You're so right. Although things are much better in our lives, I still see a glimmer of narcissism in him. I think I can deal with it, he's not a bad or evil person, only when he's on the drugs. But either way, I'll fight as long as I can to help him in his fight. Thanks so much for reading hon:) hugs


donotfear profile image

donotfear 7 years ago from The Boondocks

Well, this is certainly true. I feel your pain. I hope you realize his problem is not about you at all, it's all him. Sometimes it's hard to stand up for ourselves after we've been beat down for so long. But when we get the courage it comes out like a flood. This is certainly a great outlet for your feelings.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Will--you describe your friend so well:) I must laugh at the satire you use to communicate with him, that is so sweet and nice of you as a friend, to take the good with the bad. More people should heed that advice. Hope you're doing well and I wish you the best always. Hugs


Will Apse profile image

Will Apse 7 years ago

Narcissists are not all nasty characters, certainly the ones I have known are not. They are people who are full of love for themselves and the world but simply cannot grasp what might be happening in another persons mind. Often the results are comic as you see them wrestling with the completely incomprehensible responses (to them) that their gestures produce. Sometimes the results are more painful.

A good friend of mine with hippy leanings once invited his daughter's ex to a party where his daughter and her new love

were going to announce their engagement. There was a big fight and the daughter didn't speak to her father for about five years. My friend wanted everyone to get along, he wants peace and love to break out everywhere. When it doesn't he is genuinely shocked.

I enjoy his company because he is entirely honest and transparent and has no real malice. It's like spending time with a cheerful four year old. All the attention must be in his direction because he really and truly can't grasp that other people have very different thoughts and feelings to his own. I do take a cruel pleasure in pointing out obvious facts, from time to time, that his mind can never quite grasp . My excuse is that it is helpful to him but who knows, maybe I just enjoy the sadistic element.

As for my mother. Well, that is novel length material.

All the best with your own issues.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Will--I'm definitely sorry to hear that your mother is a narcissist, and maybe even yourself. It has to be a difficult diagnoses to deal with, I'm sure. I think most of my husband's issues with narcissism were due to drug use, he is now clean almost three months. I see a little bit of selfishness inside of him sometimes but not enough to caution me at all. He's like Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde when it comes to drugs, as it is with most people. I wish you the best of luck in this journey of your life. I was also wondering though, what reminds you of s*dism and why? If you're comfortable answering...thanks so much for reading. I enjoyed your comment.


Will Apse profile image

Will Apse 7 years ago

I often worry about my own narcissism. The portrait of your husband is a relief. I'm not that bad! Maybe I'm just an insufferable egoist who can't stop talking about himself!

My mother, I think was a genuine narcissist and still is. For quite a while, when I was younger, I surrounded myself with narcissists as friends and lovers. The convenient thing about narcissists is that they are entirely uninterested in you. If you have come to feel that attention is unpleasant- for whatever reason- you can escape attention and simply focus on the narcissist one hundred per cent of the time.

The strangest thing about real narcissists is that they just don't grasp that others are separate universes of thought and feeling. It can be very shocking for them when something happens to force them to accept that there are alternate perspectives. I have actually learnt to enjoy delivering routine, low key shocks of this kind. Which brings us to the subject of s*dism.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Kiki--I'm very sorry that you had to deal with a narcissistic father. It's horrible. I truly feel your pain but I'm so happy that you were able to get away from him. Good for you sweetie:) If you ever need to talk, I'm here. I wish you the best and hope to hear more from you in the future. Hugs


Kiki Stamatiou profile image

Kiki Stamatiou 7 years ago from Kalamazoo

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this article. I got a lot out of it. I can relate to what you talk about in this piece, in that my father is the same exact way as your husband. I got away from him when I was 22 years old. I was in my senior year of college at the time. As luck would have it, he and my mother moved down to florida where they still live till this very day. Of course, I have been away from that jerk since Oct 1991. When my brothers and I were growing up, my dad would always tell my mother and me, "don't take advise from anyone outside of our family, or from any other family members. Only take advise from me." These were his exact words. But yet, he was the one who took advise from outside our family all of the time. He never admitted when he was wrong. It was always someone else's fault, particularly my fault, my mom's fault or my brothers' faults. When I was growing up I thought I was the only one in the world who ever had to deal with crap like that. I found your beautiful article to be enlightening and it makes me realize that I'm not alone, in that there are other people in this world that have to put up with crap from such jerks.


Tom Koecke profile image

Tom Koecke 7 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

Thanks MM. The divorce worked out way better than the marriage! I saw her today (it's still Saturday to me) at our granddaughter's gym class. She walked in angry because of traffic, but she knows I won't talk to her if she stays angry. She also sees the difference in the way our granddaughter relates to me and her, and probably knows how Elliana would react if she were to take her troubles out on me! Despite that Elliana would rather be with Papa Tom than her own parents, she left with Grandma to bake a cake for her mom with the promise that I would see her later. Later we had a special day hanging out together!

Cindy, I didn't have much trouble at all, but I didn't deal through them long. Despite that, I have very little respect for support enforcement because of the way they treat people. I would never have used them if I hadn't needed to teach the ex a lesson on why we all were better off without them involved. I felt bad for my ex and her husband for the way they went after them, but I also felt it was necessary to get the full amount regularly even if it meant they had to settle for lower priced new cars. Support Enforcement proves the adage that absolute power corrupts absolutely.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Hey Tom, being a man, did you get much help and support from the state?


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

That's the spirit! Let the lawyer be the "bad guy" and do your fighting for you. You deserve everything you can get. Don't know what the divorce laws are in your state, but even if you don't get alimony, you are def. entitled to child support. Don't be afraid to go for the jugular (read: wallet).

I made that mistake in my divorce. I was so desperate to get out that I didn't fight for the money I should have. I lived to regret it!

Tom, sorry to hear about your wife, but glad it worked out ok! MM


Tom Koecke profile image

Tom Koecke 7 years ago from Tacoma, Washington

If you consider getting what you need for you and your children being an asshole, then you probably still need to raise your own esteem a bit. If you get half for you and the children, and he gets the other half for himself, you have shorted your children, and, perhaps yourself.

I went through something similar when my wife decided she wanted a new life. When I asked for help raising and supporting our children, I got excuses like "I'm paying for a new car so I have no money." It wasn't until I got the state involved in the collection of support that she understood that I was serious. To her second husband's credit, he agreed to pay her support if I took the state out of the picture, and he did.

It's been almost twenty years since she and I split up. She lives in the area again, and we get along okay. I really like her husband, but I feel sorry for him when I hear about her going off on him like she used to go off on me. He gives her everything, and, at times, it's still not enough.

Our children are grown now. She rides our twenty-five year old as if she can do nothing right. All I can tell her is to come to daddy when she needs something, and to take her mom with a grain of salt. I always make sure to tell her that I'm proud of her, that I think she is beautiful, and that I'm lucky to have her for a daughter. She knows her daddy loves her unconditionally! Our youngest daughter is more self-sufficient, but she also knows where the unconditional love lies!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

MM--you're such a sweetheart:) Thank you so much. Don't worry that you didn't read this right away...you're silly! But you're so right about me not needing him much longer. It's true. In fact H lost his job only days before we received our tax returns, which were direct deposited into HIS bank account. It's been two weeks since the check should've arrived and he's had money the last week or so, funny! Or NOT funny! He hasn't said a word to me about the money being there, he just asked me about a week ago, "How much do you expect me to give you?", in a snide manner. I didn't give him an answer because it wouldn't have mattered if I said one dollar or one thousand dollars, he'd fight me over it. But that's okay, in our divorce decree that my lawyer is writing right now, he'll be paying me half of it now. I would've let him get away with giving me $1,000 out of the $4,800 he got, but since he insists on playing the asshole, I'm going to play it back. I don't typically believe in playing games with people, but he's getting what he deserves!

Thanks for the love and support MM! You're becoming a good hubber friend of mine, hugs!


Mighty Mom profile image

Mighty Mom 7 years ago from Where Left is Right, CA

Oh Miss JamieD, I somehow missed this when you first wrote it. But it's wonderful to read your strength in finally getting free. I totally understand how difficult it is extricate oneself from the clutches of such a man. Especially when you have kids together.

He still wants (craves) to control you by withholding money. I know that's a tough one. But with time, you will get on your own two feet and won't need his damned money!!

My Hubby has a great saying: "We get the love we allow." It's so true. It's time for you to accept REAL love into your life, because you deserve it. Good luck! You and your children are in my prayers.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Valerie--Thank you so very much for the advice and information! I will look up Vadkin right now, I'd love to see his views and wisdom on the subject! Thanks so much for reading:) I'm sorry that you had to deal with this same personality disorder, but I'm assuming you're not there anymore. Good for you hon! It's extremely difficult to stray from a narcissists grip, that's for sure, I live it every day still because he's my children's father. I suppose I'll always have to deal with him in some manner. I've learned how to overcome my compassion for the narcissist, now I hate them, they anger me. I know 'hate' is a strong word, but it is sufficient for the person who abuses others! Thanks again so much for reading and helping others with YOUR knowledge:) Big hugs!


Valerie Lynn 7 years ago

Great Hub. THE worst relationship of my life was with a "malignant" narcissist. Please, if you find yourself in a similar situation, or want to avoid getting back into the same rut, read, "Why Is It ALWAYS ABOUT You?" This is absolutely the best book I have read on the subject; very clear, you will immediately recognize the symptoms, very compassionate, and great insights in aiding the vulnerable to avoid the pitfalls of the narcissistic personality disorder. Also, you might google, "Sam Vadkin." He writes exclusively about narcissism, the full range of the diagnosis, for there are degrees of this illness, as with any other. Vadkin is quite interesting, though the "Why Is It Always About You?" book is my favorite. Please let me know should you look and have difficulty locating it. I will give you the ISBN. Vadkin writes frequently about the diffent aspects of narcissism manifested in relationships, and, in our western culture, a culture attempting to navigate the developmental phase of adolescence as the age and development of countries go. I hope as individuals, and as a culture, we are able to grow beyond the self-defeating, demeaning scourge of being caught up in the dramatic and sychophantic dynamics of the narcissist's egocentricity. This truly is an illness plaguing so many. Thanks again for the hub. Nicely done. Valerie Lynn


eaasi3574 7 years ago

Great info I really will think about this. Thanks for sharing.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

thanks Sufi:)

Linda--I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. And I'm even more sorry that you've been together so long. I stayed for the same reasons you did, except I decided that I am just as important as he is, therefore I deserve to be happy too. Me being happy meant us being divorced, plain and simple. I can't help my feelings, he pushed me away, therefore these are the consequences that my ex is paying. I'm not enforcing these consequences purposely, he brought this on himself. I've spent months and years afraid of him and afraid of making a move but I thankfully got over it. I'm not afraid of anything anymore, I just want to worry about today and move towards happiness. Every day I'm so much happier and freer.

I wish there was something I could do to convince you to love yourself more, but I'm not sure there's anything I can say. You deserve better, you're a human being with feelings, you deserve whatever you think you need to be happy in life. Period.

Good luck sweetie. Please, email me if you ever need someone to talk to. Sending big hugs to you and your children:)


lindagoffigan profile image

lindagoffigan 7 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

H must stand for Hell. If he was so great, how did he lose his job or did he quit just to as he said "stay at home" like you. 

I agree that self esteem is an issue in abusive situations and the first thing that these people do is to isolate you from your family and friends. 

It is awful when he then begin to isolate your children from you to side with him.  I have been in a relationship three times over the time it took you to walk away.  He is paying child support although still living together (He never seems to be able to keep a house). 

I escape through writing diaries and have written about 10 books full of every name called and of everytime I was told to leave. He also refused to sign divorce papers that is presented to him. (I am the mother of six kids from 12 to 35 all from him, three still at home) 

The lawyers say that it is called constructive abandonment when he stops providing for you and the children though he is still in the house. (I worked a thirty year government joband is thinking about going back) 

I got tired of writing to myself and went to the courts and told the judge that everything was separate and got the monthly child support. He appealed and I won again. It is not much but it is better than $20.00 a week or none if there was an argument. I learned how to feed three kids off of $1.96 a day until the support payments started.

I have had money thrown down on the floor at me, I have been thrown down stairs and pushed against bathroom walls when I "talked back," and a sign to prove it.

He works from morning to night making well over $3000 a week yet the kids are afraid to ask him for anything.  I tried to leave in 2002 but he followed and since he paid the rent he stayed.

  Now avoidance is the rule and the kids understand why Mommy goes in a different room to be away from him.  Staying for the kids and financial security. 

You talked most of H personality. His personality is controlling and knowing it all. Though he is more like a politician using his whelms to gain favor with other people to pit against you.

I agree with Cindy, what is love except for the children.  I am glad that you did not wait thirty years to make your move.

I am told that I am attractive and can meet someone else but is drained from the abuse now more psychological than physical as it was in the past.  I thought about writing a book called "Trapped" but do not want to relive the pain.

Younger women are not "taking it" anymore for the kids and I applaud them.


Sufidreamer profile image

Sufidreamer 7 years ago from Sparti, Greece

Good to hear - looking forward is the way to go. One thing that you are not is stupid, so you will do just fine.

The forums are great fun, although the religion forum is a little feisty at times!

Hugs to you to - you deserve them :)


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

I totally agree with you. I'm able to keep myself strong in an easier and easier fashion every day. It's amazing. I have few regrets in life and I hope to keep it that way. I could look back and berate myself for being stupid but what does that accomplish? I'm living and learning and pretty soon I'll be enjoying it too:) I enjoy many things, don't get me wrong, but I wasn't able to express joy for so long it's amazing to be free again.

Thank you again:) I do like the forums more every day. They take some getting used to, it's difficult for me to figure out how to get around them. I'll post there and ask?? Hugs again Sufi, you're a sweetie!


Sufidreamer profile image

Sufidreamer 7 years ago from Sparti, Greece

lol - we may shout at each other in the forums, but most people on Hubpages help out when it is needed. It is lovely to see that you are also supportive to new Hubbers! I know some things, but there is much, much more that I do not know - learning new things and meeting new people is great.

The right guy will come, but you are a young woman and have lots of time on your side. Time for you to make up for lost time and enjoy life!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Oh Sufi, you didn't HAVE to return such a nice compliment, but thank you very much:) You've been supportive of me since I started here and that means a lot to me. You know so much about the world that I do not, it's great to know you! Thanks again for nice compliments. I will find a nice guy and I better just not worry about the future right now, one step at a time is the way to live life:)


Sufidreamer profile image

Sufidreamer 7 years ago from Sparti, Greece

Hi MissJamie :)

Thought that I would pop by and say Hi after the nice comments in the forum - You certainly know how to spread a little happiness!

Really happy to hear that you are moving on from this insecure idiot. You deserve much better than that, a relationship of equals.

Don't worry about being swept off your feet by a charmer - a pretty girl like you will not be short of offers, so you can bide your time and wait for a good one!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

LAmatadora--Thanks so much for the love, hon! Sorry that you can relate though, but hoping you're away from that. I'm a true believer in love also. It took me my entire life to believe it, but I do. I realize that I must be careful. I can't say that I won't be hurt again. Tom Rubenoff (a great hubber) recently wrote about love and the fact that you must realize that you may get hurt. I'm okay with that, but I won't allow anyone to destroy me, that's for sure. Especially mentally. My mind is set:) Thanks again for reading hon!


LAmatadora 7 years ago

girl...I know what you are going thru..and I can relate! Love ya! keep your head up and email me...be careful with your choices but you will find someone ... a real man when you least expect it. I am a true beleiver in love!!!! =)


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cris--*rubbing palms together with naughty look on her face*....Thank you sweet pea. I am actually going out for a couple of beers tonight and hope to have some fun. I don't expect to meet a lover at a bar, but the flirting is the best part! lol....thanks again for the great support and advice. I hope to have a saucy hub written before Sunday is through:)


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Jamie

That's great and I couldn't be happier for you! Always remember that your worth and true measure should not come from another person! Now off you go to the hunt, you know what you want! :D


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cris--yes, I've been in a one-way relationship for almost 13 years. I've given and not gotten, I've loved but not been loved back. This is why I'm so adamant about feeling loving and sexual again. I thought I hated sex...boy was I wrong! I hated my partner, he disgusted me, as you can imagine. I'm excited to embark on a new road of love, hurt, and reality. I've prepared myself. I'm much stronger now than I was at 20 years old I can tell you that. I'm sure most of us are, but I've done a complete 180.

Nice to see you, thanks for reading:)


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

Jamie

Narcissism is indeed a mental disorder. I'm glad to note you've decided to be not a part of such a one-way affair. Love is supposed to be shared and not hoarded! I appreciate your honesty, thanks for sharing :D


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Anna--sorry to hear that but it sounds like you're not married anymore so good for you hon:) Wish you the best and thanks for reading!


Anna Marie Bowman profile image

Anna Marie Bowman 7 years ago from Florida

I think I was married to this guy! LOL!! OK, so someone just like him.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

mayhmong--I'm so sorry to hear that you're still struggling. I spent nearly every day of my marriage, wishing I could be alone with my children. Wishing I could get rid of H and live my own life. It took me awhile, obviously, to figure things out, but it happened. I made sure it would happen. I prepared myself over time, to be strong, so that I didn't have to face change head-on necessarily. I needed to be ready for anything so I spent many years mentally challenging myself to make sure that I could and would make it on my own. I didn't believe that I could until only recently and it's the best feeling I've ever had in my life.

I know you can get out of your situation too, I have faith. If there's anything I could do to help you or if you need someone to talk to, please email me privately if you feel comfortable doing so. If not, please be safe and remember that you cannot be happy in life, without loving yourself. Everyone is worth something on this earth, everyone! But nobody deserves to be abused okay? I wish you well:) big hugs


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Yeah, still fed up about it. Things are still not so peachy. Its not as bad as the first 3 experience. But I am sooo ready to have a place of my own!


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Mayhmong--I made it a point in my life, to research my own behaviors and the behavior of those around me, in order to figure out where I "fit in" in this world. That and God (and HP of course) have truly saved me. Thank you so much for your comments. I'm so glad to hear that you got out of those relationships! Right on sista!

Dink--Yes it's truly sad how egotistical these people are, and it's truly far beyond egoism really. He has no concept of reality at this point. Thank you for sharing your story with me. Thanks so much for the support and well wishes, it means a lot to me.


Dink96 profile image

Dink96 7 years ago from Phoenix, AZ

Narcissism is a mental disease that can take many forms, one of which you so well described here. I sincerely hope that you can successfully extricate from this situation for your and your children's sake and build a new life. A friend of mine's spouse was like this; never held down a job, never paid child support, moved from state to state, all the while thinking how "clever" and "talented" they were, yet my friend raised his family on his own and the spouse is out in the cold. Very sad. And again, who suffers the most in this scenario? The children, of course! Thank God my friend was a man and stepped up the plate. Indeed, you are a brave woman doing whatever it takes to find your way. God bless you!


mayhmong profile image

mayhmong 7 years ago from North Carolina

Whoa, the word narcissists sounds just as scary as the way it is spelled?! I'm glad to hear what the whole term means and having to put up with that mess twice in my life. And yes, I was so relieved to be out of their lives! I'm glad to hear that you are no longer with that man. You are soooo better off without him.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Christoph--Amen!


Christoph Reilly profile image

Christoph Reilly 7 years ago from St. Louis

Definitely a self-esteem issue. Good riddance!


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MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

You said it right JG! H is fabulous with other people, he thrives when working with others. It baffles me! But I think at this point in the game, other people can see through him. Not everyone though, he knows how to pick the vulnerable, weak people to prey on. And yes he always made me look like the one that was nuts. His family still probably thinks I'm nuts. Not only is H a fake, he's a compulsive liar (they probably go hand in hand). I used to have to ask him which version of a story he was going to tell, before we socialized with anyone. There would be different things that he'd want one person to know but not another. I couldn't keep it straight. Eventually he just stopped bringing people around because he couldn't handle it when I tried to have a conversation with them. He's totally insane! If I have the opportunity, I will warn his future lover. I cannot sit by and watch someone else throw their life away.

Thanks so much for reading my hub, it's great to see you:)


JamaGenee profile image

JamaGenee 7 years ago from Central Oklahoma

Bravo, Jamie! Stand your ground! Don't give in! These men are **psychological abusers**. Control freaks! Worse, their spouses or girlfriends will be the only ones who see this side. They make sure to be gentle and charming to the outsiders, who'll believe *you're* the one that's nuts. These guys should be branded with a big "A" someplace where women will see it and know to run, not walk, the minute they meet him.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Birte--thanks for reading and for the nice compliments! I hope to God that I can help only one person see the light when it comes to this subject. I have a few hubs explaining my abusive marriage. H was physically, mentally, verbally, emotionally, and sexually abusive throughout our marriage. These people don't know anything else, but to hurt others (like you said). Again, I hope that I can stave off even one of these victims, from prolonged abuse. Hugs

Jerilee--Thanks for reading hon:) I'm so sorry for anyone that's had to go through this, it can actually get bad enough to be fatal, via murder or suicide. It's not a good situation! Sorry that you had to deal with it but God bless you for getting away (which I'm assuming you did). Hugs

Bad--Your well wishes mean a lot to me. I've been reading your hubs and comments for a couple of days and I look up to you:) Thanks for reading!

Shalini--Thank you, that is very sweet of you to say:) I've also heard of several women (not to mention what you hear on the news or statistics you read) that stay in abusive relationships for fear of being alone or fear of the added responsibilities...trust me, I believed H when he told me that I couldn't make it on my own with our children. He knew that would scare me into staying. He used my guilt for my own children, for his own personal gain. Sickening! Thanks for reading and hope to see you again soon:)


Shalini Kagal profile image

Shalini Kagal 7 years ago from India

I know a number of women who stay with men like this because they're too scared to be on their own. I think everyone needs to be respected and no one needs to go through what you've been through. Hats off to you for having the strength to break free. You deserve more....


Jerilee Wei profile image

Jerilee Wei 7 years ago from United States

Tired but true, been there and done that, but glad to hear you've found the courage to do what's best for you. Your insights will be helpful to others, thanks for sharing this good hub.


BirteEdwards profile image

BirteEdwards 7 years ago

As I started reading I was reminded of a dear friend of mine, who had a husband like yours. This type of man is not only a narcissist, but an abuser on the same level as a sexual abuser. He should be punished in the same way as a sexual abuser.

I agree with cindyvine that people like this suffer from extremely low self-esteem to such an extent that the only way they can survive is to do what they do, abuse other people, especially their wives.

I recommend you for coming out and describing this so clearly and in depth. I have no doubt that your sharing will be of deep interest to many woman. Unfortunately there are too many living under such circumstances.

Be strong, and get rid of him for ever. I am sure you can get a restraining order if need be.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

I assume you're moving? I hate packing but I LOVE un-packing:) I've moved too many times to count. I can fit an elephant into an egg carton I've gotten so good at it:)

Money....did someone say money? What's that? I wish you the best Cindy!


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Hi Jamie things are good, just a tad stressful. have to pack all my stuff by the 10th may but only leave here on the 24th june, and moneys too tight to mention. same old, same old


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Cindy--yes, that's exactly what a Narcissist is. H is a perfect example. He has short man syndrome to the max! He's the same height as I am, 5', 2". In his family most of the men are/were short so they all learned from each other to be fighters, to hide their insecurities...exactly what you said! How are things for you Cindy?

Ivor--Thanks so much for your prayers and support, it means a lot to me. Maybe everyone knows a Narcissist, if so that is very sad. I will never allow mine back into my life again, never! There's nothing he could say to me at this point that would allow me to believe him. He's used up all the stories and excuses to keep me, now he's left with what he deserves, pretty much nothing! Anyone who is that close-minded, deserves what they get. Thanks for reading:)


Ivorwen profile image

Ivorwen 7 years ago from Hither and Yonder

Sounds like my b-i-l and my ex boyfriend! Keep strong and keep him out! I am cheering for you, and praying too.


cindyvine profile image

cindyvine 7 years ago from Kyiv, Ukraine

Great you managed to escape. I have to say though, that a narcissist has serious self-esteem issues, that's why they put others down and always think they are right. It's because deep down they believe they are shyte and they are absolutely terrified that everybody else will find out that they are useless, worthless pieces of nothing. They think if they self-promote the whole time and make a big hoo hah, then people won't see the terrified frightened little kid they're trying to hide.


MissJamieD profile image

MissJamieD 7 years ago from Minnes-O-ta Author

Jewels--thank you so much:) I've been teaching my children all along, how to treat themselves and others. Whether it sticks or not, we'll find out. But I truly believe that if it wasn't for me being their strong parent, they wouldn't have a chance in hell of surviving the real world. That I am confident in. I've done what I can while trying to fend off their father. I think that maybe someday they will be angry with me for some things, but once they have their own children, they'll thank me. Now I just have to make it through their teens................thanks for reading hon:)

lovezan--Glad you liked this hub:) Just sharing my life!


Jewels profile image

Jewels 7 years ago from Australia

Well done for getting separate from this man. If you had the courage to do that permanently, you can do anything. Hope your self esteem comes back and passes to your children.

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