Love Means Two Don’t Become One

 

Feminists often talk about the damage that is done to young girls by giving them the image that there’s a knight on a white horse that is going to come and sweep them away to a perfect world in a castle. While I guess that has something to do with why some women (and men) can’t find the right guy, I think that there are other things that are far more damaging when it comes to helping people understand and maintain a healthy and successful relationship. Love means two don’t become one – Don’t Get Me Started!

When I was growing up I often heard this phrase of “two shall become one” and no coincidence I guess that it’s from a religious ceremony considering my one eye brow is constantly cocked in an upward direction when religious conventions create a standard that to me seems designed to keep us off balance enough so that we’ll continue to think we can only achieve happiness by donating money to a God who is full of rage with us but supposedly loves us all the same. It seems to me that the religious right have a relationship akin to Precious and her mother when it comes to their God but that’s their problem, not mine. Back to today’s topic. The thing is that I think phrases such as “soul mate” and “two shall become one” are far more damaging than any poor princess who is running away with a gay prince (come on, he’s wearing powder blue tights Cinderella, wake up, what are you Sleeping Beauty?). How exactly do two become one (without the aid of a mad scientist that only Spiderman will be able to destroy)? They don’t. What I think we tend to overlook or not want to see is that in order to be with someone you have to know who you are first and not lose that along the way. If “two becoming one” means that one of you “roll over” so that only one of your opinions, thoughts or dreams count then trust me when I say, you need to stop immediately because you’re headed down a road that will only lead one place, resentment settlement. That’s right, after years of you acquiescing you will find that you’re in a constant state of resentment, it’s as if you’ve moved to a place emotionally that’s as real as the settlement camps they used in Nazi Germany, once you’re at the resentment settlement you’re going to find that it alters everything else you will experience in that relationship and beyond. Maybe I went overboard when I fell in love with a six foot black man (considering I’m a 5’4” Jew) but it helps me to know that we will always be our own person, have our view of life that sometimes is the same and sometimes is very different. Being in a relationship with someone who is exactly like you must be the most boring thing in the world. You need someone to give you outside perspective and to help you to realize you’re not always right, wrong or wearing the right thing for your body.

The first couple of relationships I was in I was so worried about being the perfect spouse that I would constantly put myself and my thoughts aside until finally they could be stuffed down no longer and I would exploded and the relationship imploded. It wasn’t the other person’s fault that I was trying to second guess them so that I could be the perfect spouse and find a way for the “two of us to become one”, it was my fault. But I attribute it to being young and trying too hard to be a soul mate when I should have been trying to be my own person.

Let’s face it, relationships are hard enough as it is. I don’t care what anyone tells you, I’m here to tell you that even after twenty-one years there are days when I wake up and think, “Who the hell is in my bed and how do I get rid of him?” But most days I look at him and wonder what my life was like before him. We’ve been together so long that I sometimes find it hard to find a memory that doesn’t include him and it makes me really happy. Happy to have someone who is so not like me, happy to be with someone who loves me for me and as time goes by I find myself never asking if he’s my “soul mate” or if we “two have become one” because those are foolish school girl ideals that really make no sense and that don’t exist in our world, the world we’ve built together, two different people, choosing to share and live in the world we’ve created together. Love means two don’t become one – Don’t Get Me Started!

Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com

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