Love, not always forever....a letter
Love, not always forever... a letter.
By Tony DeLorger © 2011
Had I not shown you the door that day, you would have dragged us both down to a place less able to be changed. You couldn’t see it, and struggled in panic to preserve what you hoped for. But the cracks were evident, and I saw them first.
No matter how we feel, when the circumstances are not right the truth is difficult to swallow. And even now, after years have weathered us, you still hate me for my decision, my forced action. Love is never enough, not the fairytale that so many believe. Love and loss are constant companions and in the end we must be consoled by the experience and not the outcome. Not everything we wish for works out and I know that lost love is a blessing for having existed at all.
Please forgive me for understanding myself and being brave enough to hurt you to save you. My words can never be consolation but I hope that you eventually find it, in your own outcome. I am another stumbling block in your search for happiness, now gone to allow the right person to appear, to make your dreams come true. I hope love finds you unstained by my betrayal. I hope you don’t lose yourself to doubt because of me.
I do miss you, your smile, your laughter and the tender moments where love reigned. But although I will never forget you, I cannot regret my decision, my understanding. I have not found another, not sort happiness in a relationship, but have learned to be happy in myself. Without dependence we can become strong and gain a better perspective. I wish this for you also; to be at peace with yourself and to find your place in the world.
You are a wonderful mother, devoted and empowered, but I worry that what you believe defines you will one day tear you down. Children grow, become adults and find their own lives, their independence. How will you be then? Will there be another you, without the parent, the mediator, the comforter, the nurturer? Will you remember life without children; immerse yourself in possibility for you alone? I hope so.
For me, life is still about my children, the last of them almost to their flight of independence. My focus on them has been my role, but I have never let it define me; I am so much more. And although the prospect of cutting that tie is foreboding, I have such plans, such aspirations. Whether I share them with someone else, one special person is open to possibility, but I am not reliant. Future to me is a mystery of opportunity and I shall remain open to it. If I find love again, it will be a blessing, however long it lasts.
Love is its own worth. It makes no promises, nor guarantees of longevity. It is our greatest experience of joy and pain, yet it is all we pursue in life, all we aspire to. I thank you for your love and the memories we have shared. I will always think of you with an open heart.
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