Make-up Sex and Other Relationship Myths

Myth #1- Make-up Sex

Men are visual and lucky for women (sarcasm), their visual cues are constantly reaffirmed and enhanced by the wonderful world of 200+ channels on cable TV. At least 100 of these channels include a movie or sitcom at any given time, displaying the easy execution and sexiness of make-up sex...typically after a doozy of a fight between the couple. And that's supposed to be sexy too (more sarcasm). This simply is not reality.

If a woman is involved in an argument within the relationship, reality is she'll want to talk about things for a while (or longer). Perhaps the opposite, and she'll give the silent treatment. Women also do not forgive and forget easily- they are known to be like a river. Those things constantly flow through our thoughts and carry on down stream, never actually dissipating.

Simple behavior rules would determine it not wise to reward a guy with make-up sex either. Psychologically speaking, this would lead to him to pursue and cause more problems or give little care about arguing and fighting fair (an important relationship golden rule). After disputes are solved, it may be days, weeks before anything resembling make-up sex occurs. Make-up sex is also a way women can manipulate so in all given scenarios if make-up sex is a common practice within a relationship, the relationship is likely volatile or dysfunctional.

Myth #2- Men Don't Like Independent Women

Along with this myth comes the notion that men yearn to feel needed and independent women just can't give him that feeling. Independent women are no doubt, scary to some men, but mostly because of the stereotypes from decades before us when men and women had concrete roles. Today the roles of men and women are blurred and have changed dramatically. Men find themselves needed for relationship attributes, such as companionship and hands-on duty with raising a family. In fact, men are providing more care for the children in the home than years ago.

It really boils down to a woman's attitude about being independent. If a woman constantly recites a mantra of 'not needing a man' and acts as if everything in her life is fine without a man, any man within miles will run the opposite way. If a woman tells a man that if she desires children and will get them by donor if she doesn't have a man at the time, this is another cue a man deciphers as she doesn't need him. It's all in the attitude ladies. Be gracious about being independent. Also learn humility and dependence is fine at times. Let go of the control.

I remember this quote from the movie 'Shall We Dance' when Susan Sarandon states her insight on marriage: "We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it'." Carrying this thought on...humans biologically need each other even just for companionship. Women have grown accustomed to having to prove themselves but personal relationships are distinctly different (or should be) than work life.

Myth #3- Women Like Surprises

Have you ever seen a woman pack and prepare for almost anything? She packs for a hailstorm on a sunny day, a possible 2 day airport lay-over, a chance of running into an old boyfriend from 20 years ago, getting stranded God knows where, and a first aid kit for anything ranging from hay fever to malaria.

Women don't like surprises. Especially for mothers, our children give us enough unwelcome surprises. The last time I heard 'I have a surprise for you' was from my 3 year old who decided instead of displaying artwork on the refrigerator, she would make the refrigerator her canvas.

Even if men make reservations and plan a special evening, it is in your best interest to let your woman know the details a few days in advance or at least a few clues. It will give her time to think loving thoughts of you whenever she tells her friends about how you planned something. Women like something to look forward to and also be able to plan for it.

Myth #4- "I Don't Have Baggage"

Ten years ago you would have caught me walking around with my nose up in the air, far above many suitable dating candidates. Why? Because I didn't believe I had baggage. I was mutual friends with my ex-boyfriend, I had no kids, I had no past traumas or dramas so I was baggage-free, or as I would have said 'A good catch'. After all, baggage seems to be the measure of one's dating worth and I was traveling light.

I recently found out from a relationship counselor friend of mine that EVERYONE has baggage. If we were a child, then we've got baggage. In fact, we could have had drama with our exes, but it wouldn't effect us in our current relationship as much as our childhood does. This counselor uses an exercise with couples. When one person in the relationship is utterly frustrated and mad (chance are it has to do with baggage they're carrying), they do the following:

  1. Ask the other person to listen while you pour your heart out about why you are upset and be sure to stick to the subject.
  2. The other person asks if there is anything else you would like to add. If not, then they should paraphrase what you've said.
  3. Next, the other person asks 'What does this remind you of?'
  4. Keeping in mind of your childhood, recall a scenario or feeling you experienced in childhood that effects your thoughts and emotions in the current situation. There is always a connection between the two. Everyone has baggage- it's our early formed perceptions of the world around us.

I tried this one time with my husband and it really works. It makes each person listen to each other but it really made me realize how my perspective and things I am sensitive to are not from ex boyfriends, but from my childhood. It's also a good practice to reflect often. Sometimes when we believe we don't have baggage we are covering up or avoiding dealing with something. This can deeply affect a relationship.


Myth #5- Communicate More

This is a quality over quantity issue. Knowing WHAT to communicate about is more important than having MORE communication. You can talk all day and it won't improve a relationship. If a man learns what to communicate about then he still wouldn't have to talk any more than usual.

First you need to communicate about WHAT to communicate. What is important for you to know? If you are parents, communication about the kids is necessary. If you are in an exclusive relationship, communication about friends- new and old is crucial, especially with social networking sites like Facebook- it's easy to let old flings creep into your life and not think it's important to mention those friends to your spouse or person you're dating. If it has the possibility of effecting you and the person you are with, then it's best to communicate it. Telling your spouse what you had for lunch is not important communication. If you are in a relationship, it is your responsibility to find out what is important to your spouse and what to communicate about.

Myth #6- If We're Meant to be Together, It Should be Easy

Since men and women are both waiting longer than ever to get married, I can't help but think part of this is due to waiting around for a soul mate. We have our own lives for so long that only magic and fireworks the stars above can capture us. The misinformed belief about soul mates is about someone who fits the bill in all areas, but most of all 'feels right' or 'you just know'. While this can seemingly exist, the problem with relying on feelings is they deceive us especially during romantic courtship in the beginning. Finding someone right for you takes the involvement of your brain.

Relationships are work...for everyone. If you are with the right person, you chose them based on more than souls, stars, and songs. A soul mate can also be described as a mirror image of who we are, meaning more than magic and pixie dust, but rather sharing similar interests, same values, and compatible disagreement styles and resolutions. These are the qualities that make relationships, and life, easier.

Lucky #7- The Only Way to Please a Man is With Sex

At first glance, many would believe this to be true. In reality, being physical with a man can be both purely a physical need for him and/or a way he expresses and feels love. Sex definitely pleases men, but that would be similar to suggesting the only way to make a woman happy is through shopping- indeed many of them enjoy shopping, but that statement is not universally true and there are many other ways as well.

Sex is also a short- term gratification. Just as shopping would be for a woman or any other pleasure in life. Obviously if in a relationship, the relationship needs to be built on long-term aspects as well. So we could say that #7 is a myth with some truth to it.

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Comments 66 comments

steffer profile image

steffer 5 years ago from Belgium (Europe)

Great great hub, i really enjoyed reading this one, and oh so true.

Thanks for sharing this with is.

steffer


ssaul 5 years ago

enjoy reading your hub but sometimes make up sex does work for a while but not always!


breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 5 years ago

Fabulous and intelligent hub. Sex doesn't solve anything. Solve your problems by talking it out and then come together out of love. In any case, relationships are work and there is nothing wrong with that. All couples go through difficult times. it's how you solve them that counts. Voted up and useful.


schoolmarm profile image

schoolmarm 5 years ago from Florida

I love how you handle Myth #3 - Great hub!


drbj profile image

drbj 5 years ago from south Florida

With this hub, Laura, I name you the Perceptive Princess of Profundity. Your explanation of the first five relationship myths is spot on. Brava!


Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 5 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

This is very interesting. Is this your own observation or is this based on some study or poll? Either way, it was a good read.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Steffer~ THank you for the comment!

ssaul~ I suppose you're right.There's probably differing opinions on that one.

breakfastpop~ thanks for stopping by. It is indeed 'how we solve them' that's crucial.

schoolmarm~ thank you so much.

drbj~ you mean I'm not right on #6? lol. I had to throw some sense of humopr in it.

Robwrite~ this came from a combination of my experiences, some grad work in marriage counseling, my own counseling experiences, and well, more life. There are so many relationship myths around that I thought I'd mention some that aren't as commonly seen.


SilverGenes 5 years ago

This was great fun to read and of course, I found myself nodding along in agreement even in the 'surprise' hub and I would have sworn before reading this that I like surprises Hehehe.


acaetnna profile image

acaetnna 5 years ago from Guildford

Great fun and very interesting. I enjoyed the read, thank you.


LillyGrillzit profile image

LillyGrillzit 5 years ago from The River Valley, Arkansas

I really enjoyed reading this Hub. Thanks for the way you laid this out. Very cool.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

THanks Silver Genes!

acaetnna~ Glad you enjoyed it.

LillyGrillzit~ It menas a lot that you were entertained by this. I love your sense of humor.


prasetio30 profile image

prasetio30 5 years ago from malang-indonesia

Very inspiring hub. I learn much from you. Your tips always useful for us. I'll bookmark this one. Rating up as usual. Love and peace!

Prasetio:)


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Love and peace to you too prasetio30. It means a lot to me to see your comments on my hubs.


MartieCoetser profile image

MartieCoetser 5 years ago from South Africa

Once again, Izetti, you’ve hit the nail on the head with this ‘Make-up Sex and Other Relationship Myths’ hub of yours. I’m in full agreement. I love this description: ‘Today the roles of men and women are blurred.’ So true!


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks Martie. Great to see you.


A.A. Zavala profile image

A.A. Zavala 5 years ago from Texas

Outstanding hub, thank you for sharing. Maybe we should name "make up sex" to "distraction sex". That's mainly why we do it, to distract each other from the problems at hand. Thanks again for sharing.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks A.A.Z. You have great point about "distraction sex".


EnochMuzik profile image

EnochMuzik 5 years ago

a lot of this I already knew but I am sure that there are PLENTY of people who are totally CLUELESS... Great write. well thought out and informative. Even those who know these will find new points of view within. THANKS FOR SHARING!!

Shalom


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

THanks for the comment enochmuzik.


theseus profile image

theseus 5 years ago from philippines

An interesting hub! I like it.

No relationship is ever smooth-sailing all the time.That's why it is important to always have an open line of communication so as to talk about the problem and solve it before it becomes too big for both of the couple to handle.:)


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

theseus~ thanks for the comment. Keeping open communication is important but knowing what to communicate is even more important.


Henry Calyx profile image

Henry Calyx 5 years ago

well, i got nothing bad to say about that. i love that. so awesome. lol


RCAugust 5 years ago

Sorry, I do not agree.

When I was married between March 1994 and October 1997, my then-wife and I would fight to the point of nearly having "World War 3" every night until 2 AM, and then she would try to engage me in "make-up sex" by trying to act all erotic and sexy -- at an approximate weight of 250 to 300 lbs.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS "MAKE-UP SEX" OR LOVE AFTER A COLOSSAL SCREAMING MATCH LIKE THAT, PERIOD. Besides, she had to be pulled into the shower just to wash herself enough to smell tolerable.

The only solution for that was the solution I wound up taking, by visiting my attorney and filing for a "no-fault" divorce as a totally clean break, with no kids and no alimony payments, and a demand to her family that she have no contact with me except through her parents or her attorney.

R C August


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

henrycalyx~ thanks for the comment.

RCAugust~ you say you don't agree but then say there is no such thing as make-up sex or love after a screaming match. So you do agree? Maybe I'm confused. Either way her trying to engage you in make-up sex didn't work. I think it can go for either men or women. In relationships there are generalizations to be made that apply to about 90% of the population, but there are exceptions so in your case it was her pursuing you. She probably knew she was losing you and pulled out all her last options. Some women think men can be maipulated with make-up sex.


krillco profile image

krillco 5 years ago from Hollidaysburg, PA

Most communication between couples is both very accurate and effective, but very very silent.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Good point Krillco.


Ingenira profile image

Ingenira 5 years ago

Enjoyed reading this. You made me laughed with your Lucky #7. Perhaps Lucky #8 could be : If sex doesn't work, a home-made good food will win a man's heart.

I think more men are attracted to a working independent woman nowadays. The confidence the woman portrayed is another attractive element.

What does men say about my two points above ?


Ingenira profile image

Ingenira 5 years ago

And, I forgot to say, congratulations on your 100th hub !!


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks ingenira. Food being a way to a man's heart is definitely not a myth- that's true! Finally reached my 100th hub! Thanks again.


not white trash 5 years ago

so insightful, I really appreciated this one, especially like the part about them not wanting independent women, in theory they like that the woman makes money, but when quizzed they don't want you to make more than them and they want final say on purchases. Also apparently they think they get to decide when you get to be knocked up and dictate that you need to leave the work force. I may copy your hub & post it on the fridge.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

not white trash~ thanks for your wonderful comment. I went through a lot of this independent woman stuff. Guys seem to like it initially or the idea of it, but it can get tricky in a relationship when he still wants all the control. I think guys want an independent woman, but still need to learn how to be with one.


Kamran100 profile image

Kamran100 5 years ago

wonderful or interesting hub!i enjoy reading and i like Myth #6- and myth#4 there are raise some important point. which is happen some time in life:)


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

kamran100~ Thanks for reading.


pocketinvites profile image

pocketinvites 5 years ago

This is not actually apply to everyone, but it does for me. Thanks for a great hub.


rain9841959368 profile image

rain9841959368 5 years ago

how are you?


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

pocketinvites~ I do make generalizations here- not everyone is the same. THanks for reading.


henry1robertson profile image

henry1robertson 5 years ago from Los Angeles, CA 90013

Than you for sharing sexy information..


kamakshi 5 years ago

I LOVED READING IT


Queen of Clubs 5 years ago

izettl, you've made many, many very good points here. Most definitely make-up sex doesn't work and does merely reward bad behavior... kind of like giving your dog a treat when he's just chewed up your couch.

The men not liking independent women thing, though, can really be a double-edged sword there. They SAY that they like the independance yet often feel inadequate when a woman brings home more money than they do. When they get like that, they feel weak if they talk to us gals about that so they internalize the feelings. This internalization results in them often sabottaging our efforts and they'll often try to control things more so that they feel like "more of a man" in their home. This then causes more problems in the home and becomes a vicious circle of competition that the most caring and considerate of women doesn't even realize that she's part of. All too often, men like to have their cake and eat it, too. So, to sum up my thoughts on men and independent women, I don't think that they really know what they want.

This hub is really well done & thought out, though.

Thank you.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Queen of Clubs~ I know just what you mean about independent women myth. It's true they don't know what they want. For years, I made more money than my husband and there was a lot competition concerning that and now I'm a stay-at-home mom now with part-time income and my husband would like that money I used to make, but feels less need to be competitive with me and there is more peace concerning that area of our lives. You make good points and thank you for your comment.


calliemorris profile image

calliemorris 5 years ago from London

Wicked hub! I especially loved that Susan Sarandon quote in #2, probably going to have to watch the movie at some point now..! Big fan of your writing :) Thanks!


Cory J. Clark profile image

Cory J. Clark 5 years ago from Portland

Make up sex isn't a myth. I do it all the time... O_o


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

calliemorris~ Thanks for the great comment.

Cory~ Good for you.


Sun-Girl profile image

Sun-Girl 5 years ago from Nigeria

Cool and well shared points you actually shared in here, thanks.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks sun-girl!


Onelove 5 years ago

I truly enjoyed this article especially lucky #7! Thanks for this.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks onelove!


michiganwisconsin 4 years ago

#7 is very true that's at least half your relationship.


izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

michiganwisconsin~ that is true- a big part of a relationship.


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

every time my wife and I fight, we talk things out and then wonder why we didn't have make up sex. LOL


livelovelaugh5 profile image

livelovelaugh5 4 years ago

Myth # 6 is true. A relationship takes hard work and commitment to the relationship even harder work! Thanks for the great read!


raciniwa profile image

raciniwa 4 years ago from Naga City, Cebu

that's funny PDX...yeah, why not make love instead of war?


nifwlseirff profile image

nifwlseirff 4 years ago from Leipzig, Germany

A fantastic and too-true hub! I get asked all the time why #1 and #6 isn't true! Although I'm only halfway there on #3 - I don't pack for all situations (all the time)!


PDXKaraokeGuy profile image

PDXKaraokeGuy 4 years ago from Portland, Oregon

i didn't say I made war, but shit happens


100ktrainer profile image

100ktrainer 4 years ago from Michigan

#6 is so right. No relationship comes without it's share of bad times or struggles. Love is work. It has to be worked on daily to grow and to last. It doesn't just happen, the two involved make it happen.

Thanks for sharing


izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

100ktrainer~ thanks for stopping by. It takes two and sometimes more effort on one's part at certain times in the relationship. And yes you're right about the relationship and the love is what the two people make of it.


Mellonyy profile image

Mellonyy 4 years ago

Great hub! Voted up and shared , useful for sure!


izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thank you Mellonyy!


Mr Love Doctor profile image

Mr Love Doctor 4 years ago from Puerto Rico

I think whether or not a woman likes surprises has more to do with personality than with gender. Good, good point on the makeup sex thing. This myth has always bewildered me. Women want sex only after a lot of cuddling and other emotional support, and the polar opposite of emotional closeness is a fight. So why would they want a roll in the hay after a big fight? It's never added up to me.


izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Mr LD~ The make-up sex is a strange one for me too- that is definitely not the way a woman works. You are probably right on the surprise thing, bit not many women I know like them.


Denmarkguy profile image

Denmarkguy 3 years ago from Port Townsend

Great hub!

I have absolutely never understood make-up sex. If I've been in an argument with someone-- including my lovely wife-- the LAST thing I'm thinking about is sex. Until I've gone over "everything that just went down" 47 times in my head, and re-established (17 times. At least.) that we "really ARE OK" there ain't nuthin' stirring.

As for #7? I'm gonna call BS on that one! ;-)


izettl profile image

izettl 3 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks Denmarkguy. #7 was some added humor. There may or may not be truth to that. I think some women believe that or misunderstand that and many men would disagree, but it's definitely on their top 10 list. Thanks for stopping by.


Chris 2 years ago

woulda took you more seriously if that #7 wasn't there...


izettl profile image

izettl 2 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Chris, I like to add a touch of humor to my hubs.


Sapphire 2 years ago

This was an interesting and informative article that I really enjoyed reading. However, I have to disagree a bit with #1. You imply that make-up sex is taken as a reward for a fight. I don't think this is true. In my own personal relationship, we have make-up sex often after a fight or argument. Sometimes talking about it only exacerbates the problem. Sometimes not saying anything at all and using our bodies to remind each other that we're still in love is the perfect solution.

This isn't always the case, of course. There are times when the problem is big enough that words are required, but in my experience, this is pretty rare.


izettl profile image

izettl 2 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Sapphire,

Make-up sex is a cover-up. It's like people storming away or avoiding the issue. It doesn't solve anything. People still respond to rewards and punishment- it's an innate trait. So yes sex can be a reward, especially if it's done enough times in the same circumstances. We're not that evolved- if you continuously get sex after a fight, well then a fight doesn't sound so bad afterall.

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