Match.com Profile Photos...What Were They Thinking???

Oh! I've got mail...a wink! Could it be from Mr. Right? If it is, we need to have a discussion about how long he's taken to get here! I open the e-mail, breathless with anticipation...and there he is...the man of my ....DAAAAANNGGGG! That was scary!

I've just been the recipient of the dreaded "jumpback"...you know, that profile picture so horrific it makes you jump back from your computer screen in horror and say "What the heck was that??"

THE RULES

I've viewed more than my share of these pictures and I'm here to say, folks, it ain't very pretty! And the thing is, it could all be fixed so easily if men could follow a few simple guidelines. I know the online dating sites put up their only silly little guidelines for profile photos, but really, do ya need to be told it shouldn't be your high school prom or wedding photo...seriously??

So here are my guidelines for main profile pics on online dating sites...men and some women take note:

{1} This is for men, well hey, it could be for women, but since I don't go around perusing women's profiles...I couldn't tell you. Don't be holding a big ole' wide mouth bass in your picture. Heck, I'm glad you have hobbies, but that fish just evokes all kinds of unpleasant thoughts like how you'll smell when you get home after a day of fishing and even worse, that you might be bringing that sucker home for me to clean, God forbid!

[2} No wife beaters. I'm not talking about men who abuse their spouses after a weekend PBR drinking bender, I'm talking about those sleeveless wife beater t-shirts that should only be seen underneath a dress shirt. I don't want to see your big hairy biceps with the tattoo of a hula girl on them. Cover up. In fact, no tank shirts of any kind, please, that's for the gym.

GO SOLO IN YOUR PICTURE

[3} No pictures of you with your former wife, mistress, ex live-in lover, with a big black box over her face or a bad crop job cutting her out of the picture. Besides tacky, it's just plain wrong. We'll be wondering if we're the one who's next.

(4) While we're on the subject, of other women, no pictures of you standing surrounded by a bevy of attractive women. Shoot, if you could get those kind of women you wouldn't be on match.com. so stop paying those Hooters girls to pose with you! Besides, women have low self-esteem, we know we'll suffer in comparison.

(5) No self-portraits you took in your bathroom, airport bathrooms, make that any bathrooms. we'll be thinking about what you just did in there and more importantly, if you washed your hands afterward.

NAKED ISN"T NECESSARILY NICE

{6} Please, put your clothes on! Leave something to the imagination, for goodness sake! And unless your name is Jacques or Pierre, please leave that Speedo in the drawer at home. Scratch that, EVEN if your name is Jacques or Pierre, leave that Speedo at home, preferably in the curbie where it belongs! Good Lord, men, leave something to our imaginations!

{7} Don't be wearing a jumpsuit, especially if it's orange, red, or striped. Seriously, that will kinda tip us off that you ain't exactly on the up and up. ditto, on the holding a number under your chin.

{8} Smile! Don't look like you did the day you walked out of divorce court and found out your ex-wife was not only taking your kids, your house, your bass boat, your John Deere tractor, but also your hound dog Buckshot. At least attempt to look like you might be fun to be with even if you're not.

PLEASE BE MR. RIGHT!

{9} Most importantly, try to look normal. We've had more than our share of crazies and whack jobs and we're tired. Please be neat, clean, clothed, smiling, and most of all, ready to meet us and sweep us off our feet!

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Comments 27 comments

Tess 5 years ago

Another great post. God, I am glad I am married!


Justsilvie 5 years ago

Funny but true. I hate seeing any picture of a man without a shirt if he is not on a beach or hanging out by the pool.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Thanks, Tess! Rub it in, why don't cha! @ Silvie, no shirts belong on Six Pack Abs commercials!

1


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 5 years ago from North Carolina

It's a good way to end the day, reading and laughing about your great hub. LOL


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Thanks, Denise. Glad I could bring a little light to your day!


stclairjack profile image

stclairjack 5 years ago from middle of freekin nowhere,... the sticks

loved it, hillarious!... and true,.... soo true


shogan profile image

shogan 5 years ago from New England

DIY, great job! Very funny!

You know, some of the same rules could be easily applied to profile pictures here at HP. I've seen some doozies.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Thanks, Shogan, hadn't looked at this little hub in awhile, so it forced me to re-read and fix some errors!

HP has some unusual profile pics for sure, but then again, writers are odd birds, don't you think?


shogan profile image

shogan 5 years ago from New England

Yes, I do. My favorite pictures around here resemble mugshots or pictures that appear to have been taken at oddly surprising moments.

I've always been an "odd bird" myself, so I suppose you have a point.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Well, I think mine was taken in the car, so there you go!


hottopics profile image

hottopics 5 years ago from Texas

Funny. It was cool seeing it from a womans perspective. And I thought just the woman photos were nuts. They do the same Bridal, picture of when they were 16 but they are 50 now, How about those ones that use the Glamor Shot photos. Like we could not tell when we meet. I guess there are good laughs all around on those sites


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

You here again, HT? :) No, women aren't the only ones who put ridiculous pictures on their profiles. Unfortunately, most of the people who ever contacted me were the ones holding a big wide-mouthed bass in their picture. I like fishing, but good grief!


Rochelle Frank profile image

Rochelle Frank 5 years ago from California Gold Country

Good tips! Ha! Never looked at these photoss. I guess most Halloween costumes would not be recommended, either.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Rochelle, some of the ones that I've seen, I think I would prefer the Halloween costume!


rastajon 5 years ago

Good post, but lets not forget the lady pics of you and your cat. Where there's one cat there's more. Nothing as wonderful as a "cat-lady." Keep petting your cat.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Yes, this is true, rastajon. No one wants to date the "Crazy Cat Lady!"


Angel709 profile image

Angel709 5 years ago from midwest

DIY!!! You've written "my article". Thank you!! I especially appreciated 'no bathroom' or 'shirt-less' photos as these seem to be the most popular cyber no-no's. Do they not have at least one trusted friend that can take their picture? And they always forget to look at the camera so they're looking OFF at the reflection instead! Guys have to refrain from doing things they want women to do, thinking that we desire the same things. Final note on my ramble: Better to keep your shirt on and be thought of as clueless, than to take your shirt off and remove all doubt. Happy Day!!


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 5 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Oh my goodness, Angel, you made me laugh so hard with your comment! It always scares me when all the pictures are bathroom pictures, too. I'm thinking he has absolutely no friends or he spends a heck of a lot of time in the bathroom! Thanks for the comment, it made my day!


Angel709 profile image

Angel709 5 years ago from midwest

lol...you are so welcome DIYweddingplanner!!! It's soo refreshing when someone pens the thoughts that have been plaguing your mind!!! At least we have laughter to keep us from crying at the poor selection of prospects.

Update: I viewed a profile of a man who had his picture taken lying in a hospital bed with gown-get up and all. WOW!!! (I'm assuming he's looking for a naughty nurse). I'll be honest, I thought some of your advice was humorously exaggerated until I saw a profile picture TAKEN of a guy's driver's license photo, and yes...with no exaggeration, another guy held serial numbers under his chin. Hence, your advice from #9: try to LOOK normal is going to be a stretch!!! ~~~SMILES!!!


JoshuaDR profile image

JoshuaDR 4 years ago from Charleston, SC

I met my fiancé on Match.com. I always hated when people took pictures of themselves in the mirror. But the thing I hated most was when a girl would post a picture of her cat. She wouldn't even be in the picture... just the cat! =)As a former match.com member I really enjoyed this post. It should be required reading on match.com before you can sign up.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 4 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Josua, that's awesome! I guess that proves that if you're patient enough to wade through the weeds on some of the services, you can find a diamond...literally and figuratively! My brother met his wife on e-harmony. As for myself, not quite so lucky...must I pull every weed in the garden?! :) I'm with you on the cat thing, too. And what's up with all the pictures of sunsets and the Great Pyramid? I want to see the person, not where they've been! Thanks for reading and good luck!


glassvisage profile image

glassvisage 4 years ago from Northern California

I see the self-taken in-the-bathroom photos all too often... Seriously, there must be friends who can take your photo for you, right? Thanks for the Hub!


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 4 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

You're right, GV. I always find it more than a little creepy when I see the self-taken bathroom pics. But guys tell me they see the same thing from women, so I guess the advice would be if you have no friends to take your pic, your best bet would be to pose yourself elsewhere in your house with a camera with a timer. Definitely not in the bathroom and not by webcam!


Louisiana Jobs profile image

Louisiana Jobs 4 years ago from Louisiana

Great read....made me laugh....I too have spent time on the "dreaded" online dating sites. For the most part I try and keep it on the "down low", if by chance I hit it off with a potential dating partner, we always make up an alternate meeting alibi, like we had mutual friends who set us up. Its never cool to admit you are on a dating site to anyone....especially your family....lol


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 4 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

LJ, my family knows only because I thought it would be fair to tell them in case they ever have to track down my cold dead body from some ravine after an online date gone afoul, seems like the safe thing to do! But yes, not something you really want to advertise.


lezsaysit profile image

lezsaysit 4 years ago from New York, NY

Funny rated and thumbs up! It was a great read and I can relate! LOL! Thanks for sharing such helpful tips.


DIYweddingplanner profile image

DIYweddingplanner 4 years ago from South Carolina, USA Author

Lez, my latest prospects pictures look like they were taken in a nursing home. I didn't know they had their own computers!

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