Matchmakers: Failing at Love to Finding Love

Why Matchmaking?

The use of matchmaking has become increasingly popular in our culture- putting someone or something else in charge of finding us love. What an interesting concept.

The closest I ever got to a matchmaker was an online dating site...many years ago...out of curiosity...because my roommate at the time seemed to be having great luck with it. My experience taught me a lot. I typed in my criteria, I typed in who I thought I was, and made some matches. It was easy and I had several wonderful dates, met several wonderful men, but did I fall in love with any? No. Did I marry any of them? No. They were great honestly, everything I was searching for, everything on my "check list". I could go on a date with the "perfect" person, but still not find someone I'd fall in love with let alone share my life with. We think we know what we want and that's where it gets tricky.

The whole experience taught me first that I was ready to have a committed "forever" relationship. This is important to know before you sign up for a dating service or matchmaker of any kind. Some people aren't ready and there is no point to date if you're not. Yes, you can sleep around, have casual outings or "hang out" with people, but dating is for the serious...seriously! A Matchamker's job is to get you ready to fall in love, not necessarily finding you that love.

Things must be in line before you find love. I don't believe the issue of finding love is a lack of prospects. People claim they have a hard time finding someone out there for them and unless you live under a rock, people are everywhere. That's not the problem- there is no mystical shortage of men or women. If you can't find someone, you're probably not ready- too picky, not approachable, haven't recovered from your last relationship, you want someone who has it all together but you don't (in other words you're reaching for the stars), and the list goes on.

The effort needs to be with yourself in order to find someone. When I was ready for the love of my life, I attracted him to me. While I was dating a few men from the dating website, I was in a college class with my future husband- just an ordinary funny and honest guy with a lot of baggage like all of us. He wasn't perfect, but he was my perfect.

Why talk about Matchmakers and the art of matchmaking? For the invaluable insight. Because they are in the position of seeing people for who they are, pin-pointing how that person comes across to others, and getting them ready! If you did that for yourself (and you can), you could easily be the best matchmaker for you. Wouldn't you like to learn some of the tricks of their trade?

"Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match". Fiddler on The Roof

Popular Matchmakers

The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Novak
The Millionaire Matchmaker, Patti Novak
Tough Love Matchmaker, Steve Ward
Tough Love Matchmaker, Steve Ward

Who's your Matchmaker?

Perhaps the earliest form of matchmaking was/is arranged marriage. It seems archaic or barbaric to Americans, but many countries and cultures still practice some form of this. We like having our choices in America, even if they are are wrong, even if we don't like the consequences. But you have to wonder if someone else would be better than us at picking our true love.

Eventually a handful of the "unlucky" in love get restless and seek the help of someone else to do the matchmaking for them. They realize their failure in love may have something to do with their choices and mistakes, or their inability to move on and adapt from those mistakes. This is when people reach out for help- a matchmaker.This could be an online dating service, a friend who sets them up, or an actual Matchmaker.

The matchmaking industry makes over $400 million/ year. This is not including online dating sites. An online dating site typically matches for commonalities among people, but quality ones will read between the lines and ask in-depth questions that get under the surface because we know that people like to present themselves in a good light and things are not always what they seem.

The Real Issue

Matchmakers recognize a few types of people who need "improvement" before matching or shouldn't be matched- the ones that don't want to be serious, the ones too good for everyone else, and those who have issues with trust. Those that aren't up for long-term or a relationship need not apply. Matchmakers pick up on that type of person quickly and turn them away- it's a waste of their time if they can't get them ready. Like I said before, don't seriously date if you're not ready for the long-term possibilities.

Those with trust issues can't move beyond that issue in each relationship now and in the future. There seems to be an automatic distrust from the beginning, when they first meet someone. They place that burden of mistrust on the other person.

The sad truth about this mistrust issue is it boils down to themselves. They do not trust who they pick to date, and often they don't realize it's them they don't trust. They've been wrong so many times before, now everyone they meet is a suspect- no one is to be trusted because that's who majority of their encounters are. Why is that? Are all people untrustworthy? No. They no longer trust their own instincts, they follow their passion, their wants, their history of abuse, etc and end up down the same wrong path.

Lastly, the people who are too good for everyone can benefit with someone who will put them in their place or someone opposite of them. These people are hard to match and are measuring love by financial status or perfect looks- all the wrong reasons. Sometimes a Matchmaker can help them identify the err of their ways and sometimes they end up being a perfect match for themselves, by themselves. The lesson- if you're looking for someone's flaws, you will always find them. Try not to be so critical and realize, like I did, that perfect is not necessarily perfect for you.

Matchmaker/Life Coach/ Dating Coach- Tricks of the Trade

Matchmakers have also called themselves, and their profession, Life Coaching. Essentially they have to dig into someone's life and figure out what's not working that creates a barrier to their happiness. They are willing to do the work on someone who is not willing to do the work for themselves.

We can all do the work for ourselves because we have a knack for nailing down someone else in a few minutes with a few words- we judge them right away, we like them, we don't like them. We can probably guess what their main issues are pretty quick. Obviously we don't see ourselves objectively very well. But we can...

What a matchmaker will do, but you can do for yourself too:

  • See yourself clearly and drop the ego. As soon as you find yourself wondering or thinking about what someone else is doing wrong, or how others have hurt you, take a hard look at yourself and your contribution to what's going wrong. Why does every girl put you in the friend zone? Is it because you're too nice? No, but isn't that a sweet notion for you to think about yourself- that's a nice (and easy) explanation. You're picking the wrong girls- girls who use others to get what they want or perhaps you need to take initiative as to where the relationship is going- find out in 3 dates if she just wants a friend rather than 3 years later. Sure, it's easier to think you're too nice rather than make a move before you're comfortable.
  • Get out of the comfort zone. Matchmakers will purposely set people up with someone they don't usually date. Most of the time when Matchmakers set someone up with someone very similar to that person, it backfires and it's not a good match. So maybe, just maybe...pick the wrong person for you instead of what you think is the right one. Chemistry comes in all shapes and sizes. In my experience I wouldn't have picked my husband out in a line-up on a dating site, but turns out he's the one I married.
  • Stop being the victim. Some people are always the ones dumped or the ones hurt or cheated on. Matchmakers use a lot of tough love on their clients- they're brutal, they're honest, they're blunt. Victims claim the whole world has been tough on them, but if they were tough on themselves for a little while instead, they would see what's going wrong.
  • How many fish? I stated above that not many people should have a shortage of prospects, but it might help to do some math. How many people are in your age group in the city you live in. Do you even live near a city or large town? Are you a single 60 year old living in a college town? Those kind of odds need to be taken into consideration.
  • Gain insight into the opposite sex. It helps to have friends of the opposite sex or of the type of person you want to attract. Often a male matchmaker can help a female identify what men think of her and how to relate to and attract them.
  • Have a little help. Enlist an honest friend who will tell you what you may be doing wrong or how you could dress or present yourself to attract more people. Sometimes you just need help getting your foot in the door for a first impression and a second date.
  • Identify the problems and make a plan. This is the essence of Life Coaching work (and Matchmaking). This isn't stuff people can't do for themselves. Once you've identified a few problem areas, make a plan (with specific steps and a goal/desired outcome) to work on those.
  • Focus on being ready for love, not falling in love. A Matchmaker doesn't claim a success only when someone finds their perfect match. They identify success in a client when they have prepared and gotten a client ready and open for finding true love.

Matchmakers will tell you their success rates are not always promising with the matching itself, but they will also tell you about all the people who spontaneously found love on their own shortly after working with a Matchmaker. It's because the work was really done on the person themselves.

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Comments 19 comments

jeanine 5 years ago

I enjoyed the attraction to my partner seems to be more primal... I am attracted to her scent...I seem to have a distinct memory in my sense of smell of her wonderful fragrance... I found her once in central park in the middle of a crowd of about 250,000 people, at a concert...mostly by smell...and some sense that she was near... I do not know how but her scent is part of could be because she was my first, I had dated but was very shy... and was a virgin when we met, and yes she was my first and last, as it turned out... 42 years this month... some ancient tribes believe the fewer partners one had the more intense the senses were... and with each partner if one did engage in intimacy, one gave away part of ones own being more likely to try many different partners historically became the biggest losers... and as strange as that sounds, women today do look upon the male as being more immature when it comes to intimacy... I often wonder, was this why the world had evolved to arranged marriages... maybe they weren't so in the dark, after

I did hear of a woman who signed up for a dating service and went out to dinner each night with a different man for dinner... took the money she saved, and put a down payment on a real nice so I guess there is an angle for every situation on Gods green earth... lol....could you pass me the bread please...

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 5 years ago

Pretty close to so many realities in relationships. Sadly, most men just look for Intimacy..and the sooner, the faster they jump to the next one. Inherited? Probably, ladies men abound, even in Hollywood and Sports. Thanks for this important hub for people looking for real commitment.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jeanine~ it always amazes me how many people I know, even the guys who played around for a while, are looking for love. I think they had so many encounters that their "picker" is off. They don't know what's good for them anymore. You certainly didn't have this problem and were able to pick the right woman!

Lord~ Women nowadays are jumping on the intimicay bandwagon way too soon as well. I think it interrupts the natural process of finding love. One Matchmaker on TV has a rule about monogomy before sex. I have guy friends who claim they want a long-term relationship but then keep jumping in bed with women, most of the women don't want long-term so the guys are barking up the wrong tree, so to speak.

Lord De Cross profile image

Lord De Cross 5 years ago

hahaha! good points!

TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

It took me a minute to get the thing about being serious about being ready for a mate. I miss understood the purpose of dating services all along. Wow. Dropping the ego thing hit home with me. (you know me) I wish you'd written this a long time ago. I never considered any of this. I just used the troll method doing my Don Johnson impersination, with my Miami Vice clothes and coke loaded bullet. Apparently it worked. I'm in my third marriage. (making a stupid face as I type)

This was excellent of course. I'll be happy when things level out and you can write more of course. I'm curious. What the hell made you think of this sis?


Old Poolman profile image

Old Poolman 5 years ago from Rural Arizona

Interesting to say the least. We often hear of those who think they have found their soul mate. What the heck does this really mean? With the millions of people in this world, how many soul mates could a person actually find? Is there only one, or hundreds. If I found myself single again, I don't think I would be using a dating service. Based on your hub I might discover I am a truly horrible person not even deserving of a new bride. I was lucky enough to find one who has so far put up with me for 47 years, and doubt I could be that lucky again.

I worked with a guy who kept meeting his new wives out in the bar scene. But he really didn't care much for drinking and preferred to stay home. Guess what, each new wife liked going out and partying which he didn't like, so another divorce. Perhaps he should have used a dating service.

Great hub by the way, and you have been missed.

Robwrite profile image

Robwrite 5 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

Hi Izzetl; More important than finding someone is finding the right someone. The problem with most bad relationships is that people are made to feel there is something wrong with them if them wait too long to find someone. I know several people who had a friend of the opposite sex and they agreed to get married together if they weren't married by a certain age. That 'deadline' mentaliy has been the cause of so many bad marriages. My brother had a terrible first marrigage. He's found someone good now, at 49. He wasted 20 years on the wrong woman.

I lived with a woman for 11 years and now I'm alone but I prefer it that way to being with the wrong person.

What's more important than getting ready to be in a relationship is to make sure your not jumping into the wrong relationship because people pressure you to.


TheManWithNoPants profile image

TheManWithNoPants 5 years ago from Tucson, Az.

I've been thinking about this all day. It just seems impossible to me to meet someone with a kind of preconsieved idea as to where you'd kind of like things to end up. I know I'm probably the only guy in the world to miss the real idea behind a dating service. Hmmm .. I'm just like.. it's got to be spontaneous or I would down in total flames every time. Maybe that's why I've been in more brief relationships than a rock star. Shoot. Still kickin this around. Amazing how you come up with such good subjects my friend.


izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jim~ Glad I could make you think. Now you got me thinkin about your Don JOhnson imerpsonation- lol.

I'm sure men and women differ on the way they'd prefer to find love. Men like spontenaity more because it's a thrill in the sack. Women usually want to know where things will ultimately end up...even if she jumps in the sack with you, she most likely still wants you to get serious sooner or later- because women always think they can change men.

You just need to be ready for long-term, but doesn't mean everyone you meet is potentially for long-term. I spent years with one guy and never got married- I wasn't ready. I also found a wonderfully perfect guy, even perfect for me (the one that got away), but I wasn't ready so I broke it off. So the way you meet people can be spontaneous and if you're ready then the relationship will automatically head towards a serious way. That's my theory at least. If one person isn't ready then the relationship will get stalled and not quite make it to a serious point. And that's been my experience too- even as a woman type (lol) I had a hard time getting serious so I know where your perspective is coming from, except I lived a little less like a rockstar- lol.

You know ideas just shoot into my head. I watched a Macthmaker show and have always thought about this topic and dating services in general- how more people are seeking out online dating sevices or someone else setting them up. Interesting...

izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Mike the Poolman~ thanks for stopping by. I am with you on the soul mate thing. i didn't think it existed, still don't really. I thought I met my soul mate but we had only dated 9 months so I couldn't be sure. Not to be a bummer, but he passed away suddenly in an accident and I asked myself if I was so sure he was my soul mate then why did fate take him no I still don't believe but I'm not a bah humbug about it. I think it's bordeline delusional though- lol. You need someone who will rough it out with you and has similar values about marriage and can be OK not doing EVERYTHING together, but having your own life a little too. I think you've found're golden. No worries about a dating service for you.

izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Jim~ I have another hub coming out this week that I need to put some finishing touches on but I mentioned youcause one of your hubs a while back inspired me to write it so your still in my thoughts buddy. Because I'm so old (lol) and have arthritis my Dr has me in the office every 2 weeks now for baby exams, etc to make sure my last 7 weeks go ok with the pregnancy. SO I've been busy and we're moving at the end of this month too!

izettl profile image

izettl 5 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Rob~ I hear you on some of what you're saying about people and the pressure to be with someone. Part of getting out of your comfort zone- I suspect you are a little like me in the way of being fine by ourselves. I was, still am, like that too. I like my alone time, but I went almost 3 years without going on a date and I realized I was getting too comfortable being by myself. But on that note, definitely don't waste time with someone who is wrong for you just to be with someone. You make some valid points. I've never been one to listen much to others in general so there shouldn't be any pressure- I got that because I was over 30 (old for a woman) before I settled down and later also when I had a baby. I did it on my time, just don't get too comfortable on your own :))

shalycriston profile image

shalycriston 5 years ago from USA

Beautiful topic, thanks to share!

Twave99 profile image

Twave99 5 years ago from San Francisco

I love reading your hubs. Two Thumbs UP! You're a awesome writer, and I like the way you think as a woman. I think it's very attractive. The man who married you is very lucky.

Dr.Ope profile image

Dr.Ope 4 years ago

Interesting hub. I do not believe in using a Matchmaker. Finding true love is hard, but it will happen if we are patient. All the best and keep sharing!

izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

THanks Dr Ope! I believe love comes if we are open to it, ready, and patient.

unknown spy profile image

unknown spy 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

He wasn't perfect, but he was my perfect.

--very true..nobody is perfect until one falls in love.


izettl profile image

izettl 4 years ago from The Great Northwest Author

Thanks for stopping by "unknown spy".

I think giving up on the "perfect" mate in general is part of maturing. At least for women who try to fix their mates.

unknown spy profile image

unknown spy 4 years ago from Neverland - where children never grow up.

yeah... perfect mate do really exists..when one overlooks all the imperfections of someone and just love them wholeheartedly..i think that's perfect.

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