Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan Have Friends...Why Don't I???

Even Charlie Sheen Has Friends!...and He's Just Plain Nuts.

Where Did You Get All Those Friends?

  • I often wonder what life is like for a person who has a lot of friends. How the heck do they do it? How do they keep up with them? I have always thought that having just one good friend would be enough, and then I wouldn't have to work so hard all the time keeping multiple friendships going.
  • The problem now, however, is that I have moved 2,000 miles away from my only friend, and I would rather have my fingernails pulled out than to talk to anyone on the phone at length (pretty weird, eh?). But now, NO ONE calls me, NO ONE comes to visit me, and if I go out after dark, it is always alone, or with one of my grandchildren.
  • I have become lazy about developing friendships because who knows when I might decide to move across the country again...right? That makes sense, doesn't it? My wardrobe has changed considerably as well. I own one good pair of blue jeans and about 25 sets of pajamas. The blue jeans are in like-new condition, and, because I even do my gardening in them, all of the pajamas are thread-bare. If that isn't pathetic, I don't know what is. And, if you are reading this and thinking that your life might be in just as deep a rut as mine, then you are just as pathetic as I am.
  • Are your friends all just mere avatars that you click on? Mine are. And, you would think that I keep calendars as collectible items because there is never a mark on mine...you know, how you circle important dates, friends' birthdays, exciting upcoming events?...blah, blah, blah. My calendars are as clean today as the day I bought them.

When I See This Woman on the News I Want to Throw My TV Out the Window!...and Yet, She STILL Has Lots of Friends!

Lindsay Lohan almost looks sane in this picture but don't be fooled.  How did she get so many friends???  But, move over Lindsay, and make room for Miley!!
Lindsay Lohan almost looks sane in this picture but don't be fooled. How did she get so many friends??? But, move over Lindsay, and make room for Miley!!

Faking Out My Kids

  • I'm starting to get excited when my phone rings now, because it gives me a chance to convince my children that I still have a lot of friends. Usually when it rings, it's someone selling something, but I just carry on a conversation with them asking what they've been doing, how their kids are, etc. I'm pretty sure they think I have Alzheimer's disease, because after about five minutes they just hang up on me.
  • I thought at one time that I might find someone to date by signing up on Match.com or E-Harmony.com. Wow, was that a mistake! I signed up on E-Harmony and filled out their questionnaire from hell, only for them to tell me that there isn't one person on the entire planet that is compatible with me. Good grief, how pathetic can I be? After that, I signed up on Match.com just to read about other pitiful people like me.
  • So, when it seems that absolutely no one but my close family cares about me, I take matters into my own hands...I fake a migraine headache so I can go to the emergency room just to hear someone say: "How are you?"
  • (Please don't take this article seriously; I am a humorist. I really don't have any friends, but surely you do!)

Miley Cyrus is quickly taking over the top spot from Lindsay Lohan.  Lindsay, you'd better get busy and do something really stupid...FAST!!
Miley Cyrus is quickly taking over the top spot from Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay, you'd better get busy and do something really stupid...FAST!!

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