Maybe He WAS that in to You....and then You Ruined It

 Okay ladies, this one is just for you! I hear women complain all the time about how they never can find the right guy or how they are always getting stuck with losers. If you are one of those women then it is about time that you take a long look in the mirror and figure out what it is about you that keeps attracting these men? Or, better yet, what is about you that makes you see the men this way? Have you ever noticed that the total jerk who you've wasted your entire life on seems to turn out to be someone elses prince charming? Maybe its because you acted more like an evil stepsister than Cinderella when he was with you. Now, don't get me wrong, I know that there are plenty of men out there who are total idiots and have treated some of you women like dirt. It is those kind of men who actually bring me to my first don't.....

Women, please don't judge every man in you come into contact with based on your previous relationships with men! I see it happen ALL the time. The girl who fell in love with the athlete, or the nice guy or the whoever who cheated on her, mentally abused her and took her heart and stomped  on it like he was auditioning for a role in Stomp The Yard 2. I get it. You were all into this guy and while it may have been nothing to him, it (and he) was everything to you. You saw yourself as the future Mrs. Whoever and you looked past all of the indiscrepancies he did only to realize that either you couldn't take it anymore or he finally got tired of stringing you alone. When you started going through the "stages", you never got over the angry part, and chances are you never got over him.

Sadly, most women who hate all men because of another man are really still in-love with that oh so bad ex. Let's think about this for a second here. You compare every single guy you meet to HIM. You can't talk about your relationship with this new guy to your friends without talking about HIM. Even though you realize its not a smart move, the first thing you do when you're getting close to a guy is you tell him about your horrible past with HIM. Believe me sister, you are not over HIM. If this is you, then you need to take some time and leave the dating scene while you do get over him. The reality of the situation isn't that you hate all men because of him; you hate all men because they are NOT him. You can't let yourself be loved and treated right by any substitute because unfortunately HE still owns your heart. TAKE IT BACK! He isn't going to magically turn into the man you thought he was and come back to you when you're a forty-year-old successful business woman who STILL hates men! Your life is not a Lifetime, sweetie. If you don't get past this you're going to end up running away the man that could have been what you always wanted your ex to be.......

The next thing that we women tend to do is to always play the helpless girl routine. Now, men like to feel that they are in control, but unless he is an abusive man (in which case you need to get out of there FAST) he likes for his woman to be able to do SOMETHING! Come on people, it's 2010. Chivalry is certainly not dead and I love to have doors opened for me and my chair pulled out, but I don't need a man to tell me to get in the car after he opens the door. Men like to feel wanted and needed, but they don't like to feel NECESSARY. What I mean by this is that he doesn't want to feel obligated to take care of you every second of his life. Here's a scenario for you: He's hanging out with his friends and you call to ask him to come and open a pickle jar. I know that's a bit extreme but you get the idea. Stop acting like the man's baby and start acting like the man's WOMAN. Grow up already! Eventually daddy's going to trade you in for the real deal if you can't get it together. Besides, I find that most men think a capable woman is a little sexy!

On the opposite end of the spectrum, remember not to take the whole independent woman thing too far. A lot of men today are totally comfortable with women who make more than they do as long as they don't make them feel like less of a man. Men are engineered to want to feel in control, and from a religious standpoint, they are head of the household. I'm not saying you should be barefoot and pregnant but unless you're planning on being an independent woman the rest of your life you better learn how to lean on your man a little bit. If he offers to pay for dinner then let him do it. It doesn't matter if you think (or know) that he can't afford it. It's his way of doing something for you so let him do it. Don't always brag about how you can do everything by yourself. "I pay my own bills, I can change my own tire, I can fix my own house, etc." The only thing I have to say about that is look forward to your man feeling like, "well what the heck do you need me for" (because we all know you can handle sex on your own, too). All I'm saying is be proud of what you've accomplished in life and don't let anyone take that from you but tone it down a little bit. You'll regret it when you're still bumping Ne-Yo's hit in 2020 while he's married with children and has forgotten all about you.

With independence comes a hint of bossiness,also commonly known as selfishness, (and sometimes even without independence). Men like to be with women who have tendencies like their mothers, not women who try to be their mothers. Don't try to tell your man what to wear; tell him what you think he looks attractive in. Don't tell him what he needs to do with his life; encourage him to have and achieve goals. Don't make everything that doesn't go your way an argument. (Trust me on this one; I used to be this girl.) Sometimes you have to compromise things. Remember, relationships are made up of two people who generally like different things and more often than not have different personalities. (Ever heard that opposites attract?) Have an opinion but don't be a dictator. If you force a man to always do things your way you'll soon find that he will hit the highway, and he probably won't be looking back to get your take on it.

Here's one that's probably going to shock you a bit, but its necessary. STOP looking for a husband. Every guy that you date will not be Mr. Right, but that doesn't mean he's Mr. Wrong either. Don't make your list of what you think your husband will be like and then go out searching for the man that fits that description; you will not find him on this Earth. We often set unrealistic expectations of what our soul mates are going to be like. It always starts out perfect but relationships have bumps and hard times, so you can't run for the hills at the first sign of trouble. I am very much in-love with my husband and I can't remember exactly when I fell so hard for him but I knew immediately that I wanted to get to know him better. I knew I liked his smile and his personality. I knew I liked his company and his character, but the first time he hugged me and said goodnight after our first date I had no idea that I would be married to him a year later. He didn't fit any criteria that I had set for what my husband was going to be. It didn't happen overnight for us. We went through lots of things in a short amount of time but we used those things to become closer instead of finding fault and drifting a part. You need to say to yourself, is this man worth me working for? And when you measure his worth don't think of material things; think of how he makes you feel and you him. Trust me, dating to find a mate doesn't work on VH1 and it won't work for you.

This one is a bit self explanatory. Stop listening to your friends and stop telling them all of your business. I understand that we women like to share our woes with others and compare notes on how terrible our lives are, but really have some respect your relationship and your man. Its not every body's business what you two are going through. It only shows your immaturity and need for attention. Blasting your man on Facebook or MySpace is sooo junior high. And if your friend is single keep in mind that she might want to keep you that way as well. It may be a hard pill to swallow but that little bird that keeps whispering in your ear just might be jealous of what you have. Your man is going to get tired of dating you and the crew and he'll end up dumping all of you. And speaking of jealousy.....

Last but not least ladies, you must stop being JEALOUS. This is the killer of 99% of failed relationships. Let's start with the basics. You have a boyfriend and he is HOT, or he is popular or he is both. The first thing you need to realize is that he is with YOU. You and everyone else knows that he can have any girl he wants but he chooses to be with you, so why are you worried about everyone else who wants him? In my opinion a jealous woman is an insecure one. I already know what you're going to say. Most hot, popular guys are dogs. Once again, there you go judging him by someone else, and secondly, if you believed that then why the heck did you start dating him in the first place? Jealousy is an ugly thing, and no matter how pretty you are you will start to look exactly how you act to your man. Maybe you're the girl who has a reason to be jealous because he's cheated on you in the past. To you I say this; did you take him back? If so, then forgive the man and let it go. If you can't do that because he hurt you too bad or because you can't trust him, then let HIM go because you're wasting both of you guys time. The constant calling, checking his Facebook, MySpace, text messages, voice mail, e-mail, etc. gets old FAST. He's going to start to feel smothered by you and like all things that are suffocated, his love for you will slowly die. He's going to get tired of proving himself for you. and if he's the cheater then he's going to get tired of making it up to you. Either way, he's going to get tired of you. Instead of calling to make sure he's being faithful you're going to be calling to try to get him back. However, he'll be so busy enjoying his new found freedom that you'll ignored every time. The caged bird rarely flys back home.

Ladies I love you, and I love being married. I want everyone to feel what I feel for my husband and what I see so many other people experience in life. Love is something that builds everyday and lasts an entire lifetime. If you want to expereince real love in your life then you have to stop throwing water on the fire. Love is impractical and it doesn't make any sense (ask anybody in love), but love isn't stupid and neither are men. They will tend to stick it out as long as they can but eventually they will bid you farewell if you don't get it togeher. I know that sometimes he's just not that into, but a lot of times you're just not as perfect as you think you are.

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Comments 8 comments

Saronica T. 6 years ago

Amy,this is great advice in my opinion.I found this very interesting.Good job.

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no body 6 years ago from Rochester, New York

The balance between independence and self-reliance in a woman is different for a Christian guy than many women realize and may be surprising to some women. We long for a mix of Mary (Lazarus' sister) and the Proverbs 31 woman. We want a woman that is wholly sold out for the Lord. We want a woman that loves us but loves the Lord first. In that love she knows she can be strong and wise. She rules her house well. She knows what a wife and husband are as far a the Bible is concerned and works toward that ideal. She knows what the Bible means when it says for a woman to be submissive without making that mean that she becomes some man's doormat. She knows her Bible and points him to answers that make him a better man. In your hub you said just what I said but in many ways you said it better. You spoke of misplaced loyalty - putting the man first above God and that never works. You spoke of holding one man's sin over the heads of subsequent men - that's never fair. You spoke of forgetting the whole thing and just becoming the man herself and that is unfulfilling. The very best way is always God's way. Love you sister and your hub as always. Bob.

GoGranny 6 years ago

I loved this hub! I want every woman to read it! I am divorced three times! And I have to say that it was my 2nd husband who really is the love of my life. Unfortunately by now he is in another relationship...but it took me 15 years after we divorced to come to terms with that reality. Your hub really hit a tender spot in me. Thanks for being a fan and helping me to find you!

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aesmith2009 6 years ago from USA Author

Thank you so much for your comment, it really means a lot coming from you! Amy

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Property-Invest 6 years ago from London

Great hub and well written!

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aesmith2009 6 years ago from USA Author

Thank You!

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couturepopcafe 6 years ago

Sound advice!

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aesmith2009 6 years ago from USA Author


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